It's been a long while (this was first posted back in March,
I believe), but I finally got some time of my own and am
working on this again. :)  Hopefully it hasn't turned out
too bad...

C&C is eagerly accepted, as always.

Chapter Two will be posted immediately after this one. ;)


NOTE: This takes place sometime early in the _Anything Goes 
Martial Arts_ video series, before Ranma starts becoming a bit
more comfortable with his 'feminine side'.  Also note that the
characters used in this are the property of Rumiko Takahashi
and various others and that I'm using them without permission.
Sorry.

Brian Payne
sofaspud@ior.com
http://www.ior.com/~sofaspud
"Sleep?  Isn't it that totally inadequate substitute for 
caffeine?"

--------------------------------------
-=sofaspud=-
in cahoots with The Noisy Roommate from Hell
brings you

RANMA 1/2
American Vacation


Chapter One Stripes on Akane?  Naaah....


   "RANMA SAOTOME!  You get back here right now!"  Akane dived
through the open window, fingers clutching at Ranma's shirt as 
he dodged out the door in his attempt to flee.
   "No way!  I'm not doing it!"  With that, Ranma tore himself
free of Akane's grasp, leaving the girl with nothing more than
a scrap of his shirt clenched in her fist.  He quickly 
disappeared down the crowded sidewalk.  Akane's face flushed
with fury as she raised her eyes to the sky:
   "RAAAAAANNNNMMMAAAAA!!!!"

   "Crazy tomboy..." Ranma mumbled to himself as he examined
the rip in his shirt.  His anger was added to by the unfamiliar
surroundings; America, while pretty in spots, just didn't have
the friendly, homelike feel that Japan held for him.
   Ranma sighed again.  Here he was, stuck in America on a 
stupid 'vacation', meeting stupid people and doing stupid 
things, and that stupid tomboy wanted him to... to... 
AAAAGGGHHH!!!  Why did Akane have to want to see 'Titanic'?
There were plenty of _good_ movies playing, like that new one 
with Jackie Chan.  What was it called again?  But no, Akane has
to insist on some stupid boring romance flick.  He pounded
his fist into the ground in frustration, ignoring the small 
crater he left behind.
   "[Problems, son?]"
   Ranma yelped and whirled, fists coming up in an instinctive
guarding motion before his mind translated the words into a 
language he understood.  Carefully, he phrased his reply, hoping
that his English was good enough to pass.
   "[No problem.]"  He froze in shock as he realized what the 
badge and gun most likely meant.
   The police officer smiled grimly.  "[That's good.  Then 
perhaps you can explain to me why you JUST PUNCHED A HOLE IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE SIDEWALK!]"
   Ranma gulped nervously.  He hadn't understood half of what
the policeman had said, but the man was angrily indicating
the hole in the sidewalk.  He had strict orders from everyone,
even Kasumi, to not get in trouble on this trip.  "[I... not 
mean to.  Mistake.]"  <Ranma,> he cursed himself mentally,
<you are going to learn English if it kills you.  You must sound
like Shampoo!>
   The police officer glanced at the boy quizzically.
"[Where ya from, kid?]"
   Ranma barely understood the man, but managed a reply.  
"[Japan.]"
   The policeman flashed a gap-toothed grin.  "So how do you 
like America?" he said, in fluent Japanese.
   Ranma gaped.  "I-i-it's fine."  A moments pause, then he 
blurted out, "How do you know Japanese?"
   The police officer smiled.  "My wife and I hosted several
foreign exchange students over the years.  Most were from Japan,
and they taught us their language while we taught them ours."
His face grew somber.  "I would like to know what is going on,
though."
   "What do you mean?"
   "You just punched a hole in the sidewalk.  I have never even
heard of someone who could do that."  He looked around.  "Is 
this for a movie or something?"
   "Ummm..." Ranma was sweating now.  <Oh, man, Akane is going
to kill me!> he thought.
   "RANMA!  Where've you been?"  Akane was trotting towards
Ranma, dodging the hurtling traffic as if she'd done it every
day of her life.  She skidded to a halt as she caught sight of 
the police officer.  "[Good morning, sir.  Is there a problem?]"
   The police officer blinked.  "[I don't know yet, miss.  
That's what I'm trying to find out.  You wouldn't happen to be 
one of the movie crew, would you?]"
   Akane glanced at Ranma, who was edging away carefully.
"Movie crew?  Ranma, what have you done this time?"  She turned
back to the officer.  "[No, sir.  Why?]"
   "[I give up.]"  The police officer sighed.  "[Look, kids,
I've got a beat here.  Keep your friend out of trouble, ok 
miss?]"
   Akane nodded.  "Hai."
   The police officer leveled one more sharp look at Ranma,
and then walked off.  "[Right.  Mom always told me there'd
be days like this.]"

   "Honestly, Ranma!  How is it you manage to get in trouble
all the time?"
   "Hey, it wasn't my fault!"
   "What do you mean it wasn't your fault?!  You broke the 
sidewalk!"
   "Yeah, well, if you hadn't tried to make me see that dumb 
movie-"
   "So you're blaming this on me?!"
   "What?!"

   "They're at it again."  Nabiki slouched against a lamppost
across the street, eyeing the proceedings with a faint air of 
boredom.
   "Oh, my."  As usual, Kasumi had a slightly vacant-yet-worried
look on her face.  The vacation had been so much fun up until
now too...

   "Uncute tomboy!"
   "Pervert!"
   "Hey, I'm not!"
   "Oh yeah?"
   "Yeah!"
   "You're still a dummy!  Dummy!"
   "Tomboy!"
   "Ooooohhhh!" Akane prevented further response from Ranma by 
punching him into the wall.  A loud, echoing crack sounded
over the din of traffic as a Ranma-shaped hole was pressed
into the unyielding concrete.  Akane turned away, crossing
her arms defiantly.  "Stupid Ranma.  Why does he always have to
be so-"
   "[EXCUSE ME, MISS!]" The booming voice from just behind her
caused Akane to jump.  One foot slipped as she landed, and she
found herself windmilling her arms for balance as she teetered
on the edge of the curb.  Cars whizzed by, ignoring the flailing
girl as she started to topple forwards into the busy street.
   "AAAAAAAA-" Akane started to scream, but it was choked short,
"-AAAhhhhuhh?"  She felt something warm grasping her wrist 
tightly, preventing her from falling.  "Thank you," she started
to say, but the words were barely starting to form when her 
breath was snatched away as the police officer who had caught
her wrist now forced her facedown onto the sidewalk.  Akane was
too startled to struggle, and was quickly cuffed.
   "[You are under arrest.  You have the right to remain silent.
You-]"
   Akane lost the rest in the roaring that was building up in 
her head.  <Arrest?> she thought.  <Under arrest?  I can't be 
under arrest!>  Her thoughts ran wildly in circles.  <What will
Kasumi say?  What will Father say?!  What will _Ranma_ say?!>
She began to cry.  Fingers snapping in front of her face brought
her back to reality.
   "[I said, 'do you understand these rights as I've explained
them to you?']"
   "H-h-hai." Akane sobbed, more from fear than anything else.
She really didn't, but felt that it wouldn't be wise to anger
the police officer any further.


   Ranma's vision remained mostly dark, with patches of light
and shadow playing tag in his eyes.  <What happened?> he 
thought.
   "[-me?  Can you hear me?]"
   "[Let's get him to the hospital, Joe.  I don't think it's 
broken.]"
   "[Funny, that.  It should be.]"
   "[Watch that sort of stuff, man.]"
   "[Oh, he can't hear us.]"
   "Ranma!  Ranma!"  Sounds of feet running.  <Hey, that sounds
like - naaahh...>
   "[Watch it!  Joe, watch it!]"
   "[Huh?  Oh, sh- ooooff!]"
   "[Run for it!]"
   "Grrr....growr?"
   "AAAAAHHH!"  <Good ol' Pop.> Ranma thought to himself.
Foggy bits of his brain were starting to come back online - he 
remembered running from Akane, he remembered the cop, he 
remembered Akane talking them out of something, then... what?
<Akane probably hit me again,> he thought to himself.  <Crazy
macho chick.>  Sounds of squealing tires, collisions, and 
gunshots jolted his mind back to the present.  His vision was 
still a bit wobbily, but he could make out a police car 
screeching to a halt at the curb beside him.  Shakily, Ranma
raised his head to get a better view of his surroundings.
   "[Shoot it!  Shoot it!]"
   Ranma managed to get one clear glimpse of Genma-panda
disappearing into the park as bullets whanged off the gates 
before a sudden pain in the back of his head sent him whirling
into unconsciousness again.
   The rookie cop, half out of his seat, paled as he looked
down at the young black-haired head that he had just opened
his car door into.  <This is not going to look good on my 
report,> he noted sadly, before raising his voice hesitantly:
"Um... Sarge?"

   "[Didja see that thing, Joe?]"
   "[Yeah... <gulp>  What was it?]"
   "[I think it was a panda.]"
   "[I thought pandas was smaller than that!]"
   "[I dunno, man.  This city gets weirder every day.]"
   "[Tell me about it.  Ready?  One-two-three-lift!]"

   Across the street, Nabiki and Kasumi were both frozen in 
shock.  Events had happened so fast that they had had no time
to respond, and already Akane had been bundled into the back of
a police cruiser and taken who-knows-where.  More police 
officers were arriving every minute, and it looked as if they
were preparing to hunt down Genma-panda.  Nabiki was startled
when she noticed a couple of men lifting Ranma into the back of
an ambulance.  Quickly, she turned to Kasumi.
   "Go get father and wait for us at the hotel, ok?  Kasumi?"
   "H-h-hai," Kasumi said, eyes wide in fright.  "When will you
join us?" she asked.
   "As soon as I can."  Nabiki turned, and Kasumi missed her 
parting comment.
   Nabiki was halfway across the street when the ambulance
roared to life.  She tried to move faster across the 
rain-slicked surface, but the police officer in the middle of 
the street was screaming something at her, the cars on the road
were all honking their horns at her, and some of the drivers
were leaning out of their windows and yelling as they zoomed
by.  All in all, it was terribly hard to even hear herself
think.
   There's no doubt that Nabiki is bright.  But it's a good 
thing she couldn't understand half of what those drivers were
saying... much less the cop.
   Nabiki finally made it across the street, just in time to see
the ambulance roar away.  As if by magic, a path opened up in 
front of the ambulance on the crowded street - which was made
even more crowded by the cop cars parked in it and several
wrecks where people paying too much attention to the situation
and not enough to the road had piled into each other.
   "Excuse me-" she began, but was unable to finish her 
question.
   As if on cue, the police officers around her suddenly roared
en masse and charged down the street, waving their guns.  Nabiki
climbed up on top of the rubble from the wall Ranma had been 
imbedded in to get a clearer view.
   Genma.
   Genma-panda was loping down the street after the slow-moving
ambulance.  The police were chasing, but were holding their fire
for the moment.  With a less-than-mighty leap, Genma-panda
managed to catch on to the back end of the ambulance and clamber
aboard.

   Inside the ambulance, Joe looked up as he felt a jolt.  "[Hey
Scott?  What was that?]"
   "[I dunno,]" Scott replied absently, tapping the siren once
again to warn the Saab ahead to give way.
   "[Heh... Pothole.]"  Joe shrugged, and turned back to his 
magazine.
   "Zzzz...." Ranma said.  "Zzz... zzz... zzz..."

   "[Keee-rrriiisst!  Alright, guys, move it!  We ain't gonna
catch that thing on foot.]" Sergeant Handley skidded to a halt,
holstering his weapon.  "[Back to the cars.  We'll radio 
dispatch and they can warn the ambulance crew.  Holliday!]"
   "[Yeah, Sarge?]"  A lanky young officer looked up.
   "[Go get some statements from witnesses or something.
And take the rookie with you!]"
   "[You got it, Sarge.  C'mon, rookie.]"

   //Dispatch to unit 12... come in unit 12.//
   Scott grabbed the mike.  "[Unit 12 to dispatch.  Over.]"
   //12, we've been told by the police that you have a... 
*panda*... on board.  Confirm? Over.//
   Scott blinked at the mike.  "[Repeat that last, dispatch.
Sounded like you said 'panda'.  Over.]"
   //That's an affirmative, 12.  Police insist that you have a 
panda - repeat, panda - on board.  Over.//
   Scott snorted.  "[Dispatch, I don't know what they're talking
abo-o-o-H MY GOD!]" Scott yelled in terror as a large, furry,
black-and-white head appeared upside-down at the top of the 
windshield.

   Back at the dispatch office, the dispatcher on duty tore her
headset off with a cry of pain.  She turned to the police 
officer hovering over her shoulder.
   "[I think they found it.]"

   Genma-panda stared curiously at the wildly gesticulating
young man inside the ambulance.  His sign read (in Japanese,
of course): <Whats the matter?>

   In the back of the ambulance, Joe had just a few moments
to appreciate the sheer volume that Scott put into his scream
before he was slammed headfirst into the back of the 
passenger-side seat.  Ranma, still strapped to his backboard,
slid forward and was immediately buried in a blizzard of medical
supplies as everything in the ambulance fell.  Shock-proof
cabinets, advertised as impervious to sudden changes in 
velocity, proved their marketers wrong as they popped open and
added to the mess.
   Dazedly shaking his head amidst the rubble, Joe could hear
the screech of melting rubber as Scott stood on the brakes.
   On the front of the ambulance, Genma-panda had time to hold
up a sign reading: <Oh no.> before inertia kicked in and flung
him through the air.    "[RUN FOR IT!]" Scott screamed (again) as he kicked
open his
door and bolted, clawing his way free of the seatbelt.  
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEE!!!!"  Rapidly fading footfalls and screeching
tires from other cars emphasized his abrupt departure.
   <What the hell got into him?> Joe wondered, before his 
attention was diverted by an muffled, angry-sounding
voice from beneath the pile of medical supplies.  "[Oh crap!
Hang on!]"  Joe began digging frantically through the pile.  His
effort was rewarded within moments, as he cleared the medical
supplies off the young girls face.
   Young girl?
   Joe looked again.  Yep, a cute young redhead, hair absolutely
drenched with a burst bag of saline, lay strapped to the 
backboard and was apparently chewing him out... although for the
life of him, Joe couldn't understand a single word she was 
saying.
   "-where the hell am I this must be akane's fault-"
   "[Now, miss, if you'll just calm do-]"
   "-and who are you calling miss you lousy rotten-"
   "[Lady, please calm down.  You're gonna be all-]"
   "-tter let me out of this thing before I kick-"
   "[QUUUIIIEEEETTTTT!]" Joe screamed, spittle flying from his
mouth.  Outside, the birds stopped chirping.
   "-and twist it into a - EEP!" Ranma shut up, closing her 
mouth with a snap as the paramedic leaned close over her face
with a maniacal grin.
   Joe leaned back.  "[That's better.]"  He looked around.
"[Hey, am I on candid camera or something?]"
   Ranma glared at the paramedic.  "Let me go!"
   "[I can't understand a word you're saying... but your voice
is lovely.]"
   Ranma struggled within her bonds.  "LET ME GO!"
   Joe looked down again.  "[You know, you're absolutely
beautiful when you're angry.  What's your name?]"
   Ranma froze.  <Hey, wait a minute!  Did he just...>
   
   <rrrip>  POW!  <crunch>  "Urr...."

   "That felt good." Ranma commented as she undid the leg 
straps.  Joe was slumped against the wall of the ambulance,
mumbling something about 'pretty lights'.
   "Growr?"  Genma-panda poked his head over the drivers seat.
He was missing a few patches of fur and looked like he'd had 
better days.
   "Pop!  How did you get hit with water?  And what happened
to you?"
   Genma-panda held up his sign.  This one read: <Tripped.>
He flipped it: <Crashed.>  He flipped it again: <Ow.>
   Ranma only shook her head.  "Whatever.  Look, we gotta get 
back.  Akane's gonna kill us."
   Genma-panda growled and held up another sign: <She was 
arrested.>
   "What?  Akane was arrested?  Oh, man, I just KNOW she's gonna
blame that on me!  C'mon, we gotta find her."  Ranma pushed
open the rear doors and jumped down, followed by Genma-panda.
The curious crowd that had gathered around the ambulance
scattered in terror as the huge panda waddled out, growling
and wheezing like an old pickup.  Ranma took a quick look around
then jerked her head to indicate the park.  "C'mon, Pop.  We'll
take a shortcut."

   //Dispatch to unit 12... come in unit 12... Scott?  Joe?  I 
know you can hear me...//



   "[Ok, you bunch.  Ten minutes for phone calls.]"  The stout
police matron glared at the assembled women, then stepped away
from the door.  Akane hung back as the group filed out of the 
holding cell and towards the bank of phones.  Most of them 
seemed completely at ease here and a few even nodded at various
officers in recognition.  Akane huddled in a corner of the cell,
arms wrapped around her knees.  When the police matron looked
in a few minutes later, Akane was still there.
   "[Well, girl?  You got anyone to call?]"
   Akane shook her head.  "[N-n-no.  We are on vacation.]"
   The matron blinked.  "[Lemme guess... You're Japanese,
right?]"
   Akane nodded, pleased.  "Hai!"
   The matron glowered at her.  "[Great.  Just great.]"  She 
leaned back, still filling the doorway, and shouted in the 
direction of the offices:  "[Hey Kelly!]"
   A faint reply drifted back.  "[Yeah, whaddya want?]"
   "[Handley knows Japanese, don't he?]"
   "[Yeah... but he's busy right now.]"
   "[What's that old fart up to now?  Sleeping?]"
   "[He's chasing a panda around Central Park.]"
   The matron blinked.  <A panda? Whatinhell?>  "[Well, get him
back here!]"
   "[No can do.  Half the force and a dozen guys from Animal
Control are chasing the bugger.  They just called out one of the
choppers.]"
   "[Fine.]"  The matron pursed her lips in frustration.
She cast a look at Akane again, still huddled in the corner.
Sighing, the matron raised her voice again: "[Hey Kelly!]"
   "[What is it now, McCrady?]"
   "[Call the Japanese embassy, would ya?  See if they can loan
us a translator or something.]"
   "[McCrady, you've got to be out of your mind!]"
   "[Just do it, ok?]"
   "[FINE.  Whatever.  YOU explain this to the Captain, 
though.]"  The sound of a slamming door punctuated the man's
last statement.
   McCrady sighed.  "[Still the same old Kelly.  Ok, _ladies_,
back into the cell.]"  She looked at Akane again.  "[What's
your name, hon?]"
   Pleased at being able to fully understand a sentence for 
once, Akane introduced herself.  "[Akane.  Akane Tendou.]"
   McCrady just shook her head.  "[Akane... right.  Kinda 
cute... Hey!  I said time's up, ladies!  Move it!]"
   Akane remained huddled in her corner as the other women filed
back in.  They were all engaged in animated conversation,
and no one paid any attention to the young foreigner.  That 
suited her fine, as she was lost in her thoughts so deeply that
it was doubtful anybody could have caught her attention anyway.
She was torn between blaming Ranma for her current predicament
and hoping he would come and get her out.
   With a sob, Akane buried her face in her arms.  <Oh Ranma,
where are you?!>

   For her part, Ranma would have been quite happy to trade 
places with Akane at the moment.  She and Genma-panda had been
on the run for a long time, trying to avoid the police who 
seemed determined to blast Genma-panda right out of existence.
Ranma crouched behind the bush and examined the cut on her leg.
Superficial at most, but painful nonetheless.
   <Stupid flimsy park benches...> Ranma thought.
   "Gwra?"  Genma-panda loomed over Ranma as she frantically
cast about.
   "Hot water.  We need hot water.  Where?"
   "Growr."  Genma-panda pointed at a small, distant 
outbuilding.  Ranma nodded.
   "Right.  We might find hot water there.  Let's go!"  With 
that, she leapt from her hiding spot and took off at a run for
the outbuilding.  Genma-panda waddled after her as best he 
could.

   //Sky-Eye to search party.  Come in, search party.//
   "[Roger that, Sky-Eye.  Whaddya got?  Over.]"
   //Target is chasing a girl through the park.  She's heading
for the restrooms near Wollman Rink.  Over.//
   "[Roger that, Sky-Eye.  On our way.  Out.]"  Sergeant Handley
clipped his radio back onto his belt, checked his sidearm,
and took a deep breath.  "[LISTEN UP!]"  The half-dozen
men nearby all turned to him.  "[That bear is chasing a girl 
through the park.  She's running for the restrooms near Wollman
Rink.  Let's move!]"
   With a roar, the police officers (and two animal control
'experts') drew their weapons and ran down the path.
   The crowd of curious onlookers they had attracted was 
understandably confused:
   "Bear?  Did he say-"
   "Did you hear?  Bears are chasing all the girls -"
   "Rabid bears escaped from the zoo?  Oh my!"
   "Yo, dude.  Hear this chick's runnin' from some bears or 
sumthin... wanna check it out?"


   There seems to be a natural law in effect wherever crowds
gather.  Some sort of racial telepathy, perhaps, unconscious
eddies of thought borne on the breeze; or maybe just cell 
phones.  At any rate, reporters and news networks have uncanny
ways of finding out where news is happening.  This effect is 
most prominent in large metropolitan areas, such as Seattle,
Washington D.C., Los Angeles, and of course, New York.
   This helps explain the speed at which reporters gather,
like vultures to a carcass.  And, like most eager reporters,
their first victims... er, witnesses, need have no real clue as
to what's going on, as long as they can look distraught
and tell a convincing story.
   It's amazing how many people in New York can tell a 
convincing story.

---------------------------