Hi,
comments ##.
Overall: Seems rather forced. Nothing in the story
feels like Ranma 1/2.
--- Lone Wolf <latin_wolf@HOTMAIL.COM> wrote:
Insert standard Ranma 1/2 disclaimer here
<Ranma 1/2 intro sequince #5 starts up>
"We interrupt this broadcast for a special news
bulletin."
<Image cuts to a view from a helicopter. The sound
of the rotor blades
forces the
reporter to yell so she could be heard over the
noise. The camera is focused
on
Furinkan. A stream of students are pouring out the
front doors, while
gunshots are
heard.
##IMO this 'script' style of writing is not very
effective. And as a 'script' this is not well done.
IMO stick with prose.
Police cars are stationed around the school,
with various news crews
just
behind them.>
"We're here live at Furinkan High School, where a
scene of mass violence
has broken
out."
<A few more gunshots, and three students fall.>
##I have nothing against violence in stories. Nor are
guns impossible in Japan. However, IMO, if the writer
is going to have 'mass violence' using guns there MUST
be sufficient build up to make it believable.
"Just minutes ago, three students, Mishka
Jamnishmi, Grendo Yahoska, and
Hikaru
Gosunkugi, produced hidden weapons and proceeded
to blast everything in
sight.
##IMO if the writer is going to use a 'regular'
character (I'm assuming Gosunkugi is a regular) in
such an OOC manner it would be helpful to build up
motivation.
Currently they are somewhere in the third floor,
and it is believed they
have
hostages."
<The majority of the students have now gotten to
cover. The police open fire
with
tear gas.>
"...We have just received word that they are by
the south wing, facing the
school swimming pool. We're now moving in for a
closer look."
<The camera focuses in on a window directly above
the Furikan pool. Through
it can
be seen at least 7 people. Three are holding rifles
and pistols. All three
look pale
and gaunt, with haunted expressions. One of the
three is also holding
another
student at gun point and screaming out the window.>
"GET BACK!!! GET BACK OR THEY ALL DIE!!!"
<The police begin to move back. One, a high ranking
officer, picks up a
megaphone
and starts talking.>
"What do you want?"
"WHAT DO WE WANT? WE WANT TO SEE SOME RESPECT. WE
WANT WHAT YOU DENIED US!
WE
WANT REVENGE! WE WANT-"
##???Again, there is on build up, no motivation. The
reader has no idea what is going on. Revenge for what?
What have 'they' been denied?
<Someone from inside the building yells>
"LOTS OF WOMEN AND FAST!"
<The leader quickly turns, nearly jumps out of his
skin, and sprays the room
with
bullets.>
"KILL THEM!! KILL THEM ALL!!"
##Excuse me? 'LOTS OF WOMEN AND FAST!'
Where did that come from?
'Sprays the room with bullets' ???
Why?
<The other turn, simmilarly panic, and join him in
spraying the room. The
officer
turns to the police.>
"Do it!"
<The police begin to launch more tear gas in.>
"DIE!!!"
##Who is saying this. And why?
<Bullets begin to fly all over the place. Pings are
heard as rounds hit the
copter. The reporter screams>
"God! Get us out of here!"
<As the camera zooms out, 7 people fall from the
building to the pool below.
The
second they hit the water, there is a bright flash.>
"Holy..."
<When the flash clears, everything from floor 2 on
up of Furikan high is
flying
wreakage. There is a loud clang, the sound of
tearing metal...>
"No! Oh God, NO!"
<The last thing that is seen before static replaces
the image is the ground
rushing up to meet the camera. Screams are heard.
From the static, a
few words pull themselves from the random patterns
of black and white.>
Ranma 1/2
Lost
##????
Very poorly written. NO characterization, no
motivations and poor descriptions.
Many writers make quite a good living writing about
mass murder (eg. Jim Jones, Jeffery Dalmer etc) and it
doesn't take long for a 'movie of the week' to be
produced about almost any tragedy. Coupled with all
the 'Reality based' TV shows IMO it's difficult to
justify rejecting this story on the basis that it's
exploiting a tragedy when main stream media does the
same thing on a regular basis.
HOWEVER, IMO, this story is poorly written, and
uninteresting. There is no build up. The reader has no
idea what is going on or why. Descriptions are
rudimentary at best. Dialogue is choppy. Rather than
a serious attempt at a story it seems crafted solely
to produce a �shock' reaction. Rather like a small
child exposing his bottom in public. If I do the
author a disservice I apologize
***
Author's notes:
Okay, I know I'm going to get yelled at for this
one. For anyone who's
reading this, this story should go about 9 or ten
chapters, focusing on how
the survivors of that last blast handle what
happened.
This episode may undergo some rewrites as one of my
prereaders has yet to
finish.
And yes, this was inspired by the events in
Littleton.
##IMO if you are trying to write a psychological drama
this is not a good start.Again, character motivations
are not developed. No attempt has been made to show
why and how this is happening. This is not to say it
could not happen in Japan. The most recent example was
the Nerve Gas attack on the subway system. Mass murder
can happen in Japan. (and anywhere
else,unfortunately.)
Lone Wolf
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