*Third time's the charm, I suppose... let's hope this doesn't look *like an 
MST any more.  Oh, and this had _better_ be compatible with *everyon's 
browsers, or I'm gonna tear Bill G.'s head off with my *teeth.  'Nuff said!

*****


It�s a beautiful spring morning, white cotton-candy clouds
racing each other to the coast.  Birds chirp and flutter in tiny
knots on the roof of the Nekohanten, while the pleasant breeze
skirls merrily through the open window of the upstairs bathroom,
and stir the damp warm scents within...

�No, is not first time... I like this line... here, got
Hibaa-chan�s credit card number... yes, can wait...  not too long
though!�

Taptaptapping of fingernails, then a pleased gasp.

�That sooo nice... you know how treat womans... yessss, pinch
them... ouch, that little too hard!  Haha, yes, Shampoo like that
too...�

Girlish giggles filter into the hallway as Mousse tramps
up the stairs, followed by Cologne, who mutters quiet
deprecations...

�/Honestly, Mu... can�t you even find the bathroom
yourself?  And holding it so long!  I always said your family
fell off the stupid tree, but you surely hit every branch...
probably twice.\�

"Uh-huh... then lick Shampoo down there... yesssss... feel
good..."

<bambambam>

�You make Shampoo feel so good... hah, huh, huh, kiss
Shampoo...�

<bambambam>

"/Great-grand-daughter, come out of there... Mu Si needs
to go!\"

"Mnf...Shampoo close... use fingers fast, un-huh..."

<bamBAMBAM>

"/Xian Pu!!  Did you hear me?!\"

"Oh... oh... Shampoo there... Shampoo...Ahhh... ummmm..."

<TRAMPLEtrampletaptaptapSLAM>

"/Blast it, Mu... THAT'S THE CUPBOARD!  Xian Pu, come out
this instant!!\"


Shortly, the door is unlocked from within and Shampoo
flounces past, skipping down the stairs, her cheeks flushed.

"Shampoo done with bathroom, Hibaa-chan!"

Cologne sniffs the air, sighs, and taps her way back down
after Shampoo.

�/Phone-sex in the bathroom at ten in the morning, by all
the Ancestresses!  Xian Pu, don�t give me that, you go wash your
hands right now!  And put Mu Si to work washing those dishes...
he�s pissed himself in the China closet again.\"


*****


Back at the Dojo...

<click-bzzzzzzzzzzzzzz-clatter>

"Nodoka-chan, who was that?"

Whirling quickly, Nodoka shoves the credit-card receipt
into her obi, pattering past Genma to slip into the bathroom.

"Oh, nobody, Husband... please excuse me?"

�Quite alright, Nodoka-chan... I�m just heading for a drink
with Tendo.  Don�t wait up!�

Nodoka slips out of her clothes, reaching into the
cupboard, not really listening.  Taking down a squeeze tube and
a medium-sized lacquer box, she adjourns to the bath section
and slides the inner door shut behind her.

�I should really thank Kasumi-chan.  Without Mr. Purple
Marauder, I�d be dreadfully tense all day... and I can�t just let
her and Nabiki bring in all the customers.  Why, that wouldn�t
be proper!�

The deep buzzing that follows is soon swallowed in the
happy humming business that is the Tendo home in balance and
harmony.

�Raaaaaanmaaaaa!�

Such as it is.


*****


�Hello, and welcome to the first installment of Metke
Lemon Theatre!  I�m Sleet01, your liaison with the Creator.  In
case you haven�t guessed, this is not about Mutton Lettuce and
Tomato Sandwiches, as I�m sure some of you have mistakenly
surmised from the �MLT� in the title.  The only relationship
between this MLT and that MLT is that there are people who are
nice and lean, the sex is juicy, and the scenes are just a
little too ripe.  Oh, and we may be having sandwiches in the
lobby immediately following this feature; it depends on how the
lads are, erm, holding up.�

"But now, let us proceed.  Tonight�s presentation is the
first episode in a seminal series (eheheh), �Nodoka in Love� and
I dare say there won�t be a dry seat in the house.  Please avail
yourselves of the facilities, but remember: this is not
interactive theatre, so keep you appendages to yourselves!�
And now, on with the show!�



		METKE LEMON THEATRE!!!
		   By Martin Metke



"Hey, waiter, there's some urine in my soup!"

�And?�

�Why can�t my wife have some too?!�

<Sigh...zzzzZIP...plishplishplissssssh>

�Thanks, son, that�s super!�

�But I don�t want urine!�

�Don�t make a fuss, dear, I�ll have yours!  I�m having...�

"/Mu Si, come wash these bowls again, you've left them
smelling like duck piss!\"

<crashSPLASH>

"/NOT the toilet... Gods, if he's wrecked the bidet I'll
kill him myself!\"


*****


Nodoka slips through the gate, feet turning towards the
market place even as her mind slips into fond memories...

The first time she saw Genma Saotome, her heart had
skipped a beat: here, surely, was the man her honored
grandmother had been speaking of, that long-ago evening when
they were reading the �Hayao Miyazaki Kama Sutra� by the
fireside:

�Nodoka, my dear girl, soon I will pass on, and you will
marry.  Here is the secret to choosing a good husband, my girl:
a big mouth.�

�Why is that, Honored Grandmother?� she had replied,
flipping to her favorite page, a depiction of the �Crane and
Woodpecker In Love�, prone version, balanced on the wing of a
fanciful twin-engine bomber.  What coloring!

�Nodoka-chan... Nodoka-chan, look up here, dear.  Nodoka-
chan, a man with a hearty appetite, a man that loves to eat, can
bring a woman great pleasure.  Turn to �The Dragon at The
Delta�, would you?  See there...�

�Oh... and a man who loves to eat...�

�Will eat anything with gusto!  Do you see, my dear?
_That_ is the man to make a woman happy!�

She hadn�t, really, back then... but when she had seen Genma
power his way through a trough of natto,  it all became so
clear.  After he�d blown away the competition in the All-You-
Can-Eat Martial Arts Gluttony contest, he'd figured he deserved a
good meal as a reward, and Nodoka was there to give it to him...

�Oh, Genma, I�ve never met a man with such an interest
in... eating!�

"Mmm fmfm fhmfmf nhm mm fmf!"

"A martial artist needs his what?"

"MMff!!"

"Oh, ss...st-st...strength?!"

"mnfMnf!"

"G-g-g-goodnAAAH!!! <pant, pant> Uh...what�s... what�s
OOOhhhh!!!"

<cracklepopsqueakcrack>

"MNfnffnf*"

*translation:  "Indiscriminate grappling obviously is in
her blood... I must have her!"


*****


After a quick visit to Doctor Tofu, they�d gotten
everything about the engagement straightened out, as it were,
and Nodoka had been very pleased with her choice: Genma ate with
gusto, and loved to eat, and so she was never unhappy.  Sore,
but not unhappy.  But after That Summer, and Ranma�s arrival,
Genma had seemed to lose interest in her... he ate with just as
much gusto, but his mind was in Ranma�s training.

Nodoka sighs.  She�s been so lonely these past years, and
her meager savings were insufficient to keep her in the manner
that she�d come to expect: batteries were expensive, and the
power company had started sending such heartfelt pleas... Nodoka�s
been very frustrated for a very long time!  And now, Genma
drinks his nights away with Tendo-san... it�s simply not fair!  If
not for the phone business, she�s sure she�d be a wreck by now.

She�s even taken to wearing her hair in a pony-tail, as
she did when she and Genma had been unabashedly neck...er,
courting every night, but to no avail.  Wistfully, she twists
the end of her new-grown pony-tail, sighing softly.

�When will I feel that wonderful feeling again?  Is there
no-one who will love  me in this cruel world?!�


*****


Tatewaki Kuno, aged 17, was a good lay.  He had class,
charm, a great hair-do... add a dash of well-earned confidence,
and how could he not be?  If only he could convince his two
loves that they would be better off forgetting that wretched
Saotome cur, they would find themselves awash in waves of
pleasure for all eternity... and who didn�t want that?

At least, that�s what his sister�s book, �A Young Girl�s
Illustrated Primer to The Story of O�  states, among other
things, and the Samurai should always take every chance to test
such obviously helpful information.  All he needs now is his
loves, and they will bask in orgasmic joy for endless hours...
hmmm.

�Note to mineself:  remind Sasuke to purchase rubber
sheets.�

The life of a samurai is a hard one... especially if one
reads the books Kuno�s been reading.


*****


Nodoka is totally taken by surprise when strong arms wrap
around her from behind.  As she is about to scream, two large,
manly hands grasp her bosom, sending amazing sparks of
deliciously sinful pleasure shooting through her.

Gasping, she inhales the heady scent of Brill Cream and
musk aftershave, and dizziness envelops her.  Nodoka sags back
against her assailant...

"Oh, my pig-tailed goddess, you've come to me at last!"

Nodoka rouses slightly... it�s that Kuno boy.  Perhaps this
is fate!  He�s young, handsome, virile...

<squishysquishy>

Over-eager and ham-handed...

"Ow, you brute, you're squeezing _much_ to hard.  Here,
like so!"

<sqooshysqooshy>

�My darling, you willingly accept my ministrations!?  Oh,
my joyous heart will cease!  Death, take me now, my life is
fulfilled!�

�Actually, I�m not your pig-tailed darling, that�s my
son... and you�re not going anywhere, young man, until _my_ life is
fulfilled!  Oh, do that again, there�s a dear!�

<sqooshysqooshy>

�nGah... Nmmmm�

"Ah, I see... Madam?  Are you quite alright?"

"Mnf...mHmmm... now... try it down *here*, but gently..."

�Forsooth!  You must be my pony-tailed goddess, for none
other would welcome me with open... er, legs?  Let us hie to my
ancestral fastness, my love!�

�Ergl...�

�My love?  Lo!  The goddess is faint! I shall carry her
home and tend her lovingly.  Sasuke!�

<rustlerustleTHUMP>

�Yes, oh Master Kuno?�

�Return home... and lay... out the... Viagra!�

�At once, Master Kuno!�

�Come my... Love, we... will soon... be home...�

�Shall I... fetch the car, Master Kuno?�


*****


Later, at the Kuno Mansion...

�So, my love, thou wishest to school me in the ways of
love?  But I am already as a god among men, strong as a bull and
tender as a rose-bud!  I bring weakness to the knees of many,
and wetness to the unmentionables of all! I...�

<clickSchnickt!>

�Then again, the goddess with the sword doth always be
right...�

"Correct.  Now, Tatewaki, you will do what I say, and not
ask _any_ questions... do you understand?"

"The great and mighty Blue Thunder shall not be spoken
to..."

<shWING>

"_Do_ you understand?"

<fwumpfwump>

�Good, I see that you do...and I see that you carry the
family �sword� handily!  Now, disrobe me and give me oral
love!�

"You say this nubbin here brings great pleasure, oh lovely
one?"

"You're a quick and... agile student, Tatewaki..."

"mmMMph mmph, mm Mmph HmmMmph!"

"Ah yes... so sorry... 'Blue.... ThunderrrrAHhhhhgodddd!'"



*****


Meanwhile, also at the mansion...

�Sasuke?  Sasuke!�

<tumptumptumpSLAMcrash>

�Y-yes, oh Mistress?�

�Where is my Ranma-sama�s dosage?  I left the blue pills
here specifically for his dinner, and now they are missing!�

�Actually, Mistress... Master Tatewaki is... entertaining,
and bade me bring him those pills, for his guest�s, er,
enjoyment.�

�Well... I suppose that�s allowable.  They were supposed to
go in with his nightly arsenic anyhow, but I�d so hoped to use
them to let Ranma show his true feelings for me... very well,
Sasuke, you may go.�

�Yes, Mistress!�

�Oh, and Sasuke...�

�Mistress?�

�I want my 'Story of O' back... it�s going to be a long
night.�


*****


Many hours later, a weary and disheveled figure staggers
through the door of the Tendo-ke.

"T...Tadaima.." Nodoka croaks, her cheeks rosy, her throat
sore...

"Nodoka, my love, you look...flushed.  Are you alright?"

<wobblewobble....thump>

"I'm fine, Husband... help me up.  I think I sprained my
jaw."

�Your...�

�Ankle, sorry... I meant my Ankle!  I�m a little sore, is
all...�

�Sore?�

�It was a... hard day at the market...�

�Did you hear, Auntie Nodoka?  They say on television
that Kuno-chan is in the hospital with third-degree abrasions
on 'certain parts of his body', and claw marks all over his back...
something to do with a drug overdose!�

�Now, now, Nabiki-chan, don�t jump to conclusions!  He�s
had a very close call, and he�s been admitted with heavy
sedation... he�ll be home from school for the rest of the week!�

�Haw! I know what happened to �im, Kasumi: Kuno musta
bit off more than he could chew in a brawl... but no school?  That
lucky stiff!�

<Coughcoughhackchoke>

�Are you alright, Auntie Nodoka?  Here, let me get you
some water... your lips are completely chapped!�

�You don�t look so good, Ma... maybe you should head for
bed?�

Nodoka nods and makes a quick, bowlegged escape.


*****


Beneath the warm yellow lamps, two elder statesmen play
Shogi and share quiet, meaningful conversation, while, several
blocks away, Soun and Genma don�t do anything like that.


"I tell you, Tendo, there's something about Nodoka
today..."

As Genma looks out over the pond in quiet contemplation,
or at least politely silent bafflement, Soun sips his tea
noisily to cover the clatter of switched pieces.  That done, he
nods and scratches his chin.

"Oh, Saotome?  What's that?"

"Well... you remember just before Ranma was conceived, I
returned from that arduous training journey you had suggested I
take by myself?"

"Yes... yes, I do recall that summer..."

"How Nodoka was so happy and healthy-looking when I
returned?"

"Mmm-hmmm..."

"And how you bragged about that pipe-laying job you'd
gotten while I was gone?"

<spew of tea all over>

"And you recall,  she turned up at the door to greet me,
pregnant already, even before I'd gotten home, and you said it
must have been the Federal Express stork at work?  I think you
mentioned my incredible virility being to blame..."

"Y...yesss, such things may have come from my mouth..."

"Well, she looks pretty much like that, only more so.
Your move!"


*****


"Hey Pops, we're doin' this genetics paper in class...
what's 'inbreeding'?"

"Well, I don't know, boy... Hey Tendo!  What do you know
about �inbreeding'?"

<coughGAHAACKspew of tea all over the wall>

"T...that's a strange question, Saotome!"


*****


"So what you're saying, Tendo, is that a family line is
like a freeway, and that every now and then, you have to take an
offramp to grab some treats, but should always drive right back
on?   That one should ensure that all onramps lead, as it were,
to your family�s thoroughfare?  That in this time-honored way,
the breed retains its strength and noble lineage?"

"Er... that's what _my_ father said, Saotome!  Mother had
some different ideas, but then, father also said that since she
never minded her  other brothers, she�d damn better listen to
him... "

"Well, I guess it's just too bad that Ranma and Akane
aren't related, eh my old friend?  Think of the skill their
child would inherit!

With a benificent, and absolutely clueless, smile, Genma
claps Soun on the shoulder, taking his friends wide-eyed look
for one of admiration.  Why, he�d understood the entire concept
at one go, a first!  Smiling in self-congratulation, Genma slips
an extra king onto the board and sighs with satisfaction.

�I�ve been thinking, Tendo... do you suppose that pipe-
laying job is still open?  Tendo?�

Since he�s been losing anyhow, Genma isn�t too concerned
Soun�s sudden gainer into the board.  Come to think of it, old
Tendo�s been looking sort of peaked recently as well... maybe
Nodoka�s given him something?  Probably best to avoid her for
now; it�d be tragic to come down with something on such a fine
evening.

�Hup... time for a drink, Tendo?  Wake up, man, it�s Sake
time!�


*****


"Auntie Nodoka..."

"Yes, Kasumi dear?"

"Anoo... you said you wanted me to give that special cup
of tea to Mr. Saotome?"

Nodoka gulps, slipping the half-empty packet of Viagra
into a handy backpack while she attempts to compose herself.

"Well, he went to the public Baths with Father, and I
thought to myself, 'Auntie would want Ranma to have this,
because she loves him just as much as she does Mr. Saotome...'"

"R..really, dear?  Why, how t-thoughtful of you!"

�Well, time for work... now, where did I put the spare C-
cells?  Oh my, we�re out already?�

�Sorry, dear... it�s been a draining week...�

�Oh, that�s alright! I�ll just have to go get the plug-in
from Nabiki... it�s a great excuse to try out that Black Knobbler
that I made with my Home Injection Modeling kit, don�t you
think?�

And with a sweet, innocent smile, Kasumi heads upstairs...

�Wha?  I was just going to use that, sis!�


*****


�Get down!  What the hell is up with you?!  I didn�t ask
for this... damn it, why won�t you leave me alone?  I�m almost out
of lotion, for cripe�s sake!!  Look, is this what you want?  I�m
telling you, this is the last time you get it... my mouth is
getting sore!�

Kodachi creeps closer to the window, preparing to flip
into Ranma�s room with her usual gymnastic ease, but sneaks a
quick peak first; it sounds as though her Ranma-sama isn�t
alone!

�If I get a crick in my neck from this, I�m not gonna
touch you again for a week, got it?�

It�s the sight of Ranma with his knees locked behind his
shoulders that really pushes Kodachi over the edge... literally!
Not very dignified, the Captain of a Martial Arts Gymnastic team
falling on her fundament like that.

�What the hell?  Oh, Kodachi, it�s... it ain�t what it
looks like... um, stop purring like that, wouldja?

�I should hope it _is_ what it looks like, Ranma-sama!�

�Er... what are you doing... s-stay back!�

�Rrrrowr!�

�AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH oh, hey, that�s pretty AAAAAAAAGGGH!!!�


*****


In the courtyard of Fuurinkan High, Nabiki holds her
morning transactions, merchandise displayed artfully next to her
small rucksack.

�So I hear that Kodachi�s laid up right next to her
brother, sedated and in a neck brace?�

�Yep.  We don�t know what happened... we ignored the
screams as per usual, and when Akane went to wake Saotome up
this morning, he was sleeping like a baby... I suppose you�ve
heard that I have exclusive pictures of Kodachi, too?�

�Hiroshi�s got a set already; I like the one where she�s
still hanging from the gravity boots... very artistic.  Hook me up
with a set.�

�Three thousand yen.  And before you go, you get one of
these...�

�Cool!  What is it, a jawbreaker?�

�...So to speak, yes.  Its...effects... last up to six hours,
and color changes are almost guaranteed.  Have fun, now!�


*****


Later, Classroom 3F, Hinako Ninomiya�s English for the
Terminally  Monolingual:

"You boys are _all_ delinquents!  I'm going to punish you
for not standing up and answering your sensei's questions!"

Massive groaning and complaints, cries of "not our fault!"
fill the air.

"Sawara-kun!"

"H...hai?"

"What's that in your mouth?  Stand up!"

"Um, it's... well, Nabiki was selling these candies..."

He can see that Hinako-sensei's not listening, though, and
sweatdrops begin to form...

"OOOOh, goodie!  A _lollypop!_ Fish that out, I want it! "


*****


Nodoka rolls over, unplugging the black cord from the
socket, and stands up.

<plopTHUMPbuzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz>

�Well, I�ll be... the battery backup really does work.  I
guess I�ll need to thank Kasumi again!�


*****


�Why the long face, Ranma?�

�It�s such a nice day... I�m just wonderin� who�s gonna
screw with my life next!�


*****


Well, folks, that�s episode one of, �Nodoka In Love!�
Tune in next time for the first episode of �Pretty Useless:
Tenchi Muyo in Bondage� here on

			METKE... LEMON... THEATAH!!!

And, as a special bonus, here�s a scene from the next,
�Nodoka In Love�:


*****


Deep in the forest, Ryouga Hibiki has stumbled upon a
house he never thought he�d see again, and he�s standing on the
porch, about to knock, when...

�Katsunishiki!�

�Grnnnk?�

�Get that out of my face.  NO, you may NOT put that
there, did you think I wouldn�t notice or something?�

A moment, then an embarrassed, �Grunn, Grunngrn.�

�Oh, that�s right... sorry, I thought it was my spin.�

�Grnnk�

�Katsu...*Katsunishiki*!  That hurts, be careful!�

With a tremendous gulp, Ryouga screws his courage to the
sticking point and taps timidly at the doorframe.

�Oh, Katsunishiki, get off.  And put that away, would
you?�

Soft footsteps tap towards the door.

�And Katsunishiki... next time, you can just keep on
spinning until you manage to land on a position that�s not quite
so, well, twisty.  Alright?�

Hibiki stare meets bashful Unryuu eyes, which blink in
surprise, then joy, as she hugs him with unhindered excitement.

�Ryouga-sama!  Welcome back!  Please, come in, won�t you?
Oh, Katsunishiki, look who�s here!  Umm, Ryouga-sama, your
nose...?�

�Bu... yu... tw... ow?�

�Oh... surely you don�t think... heeheehee, that�s so funny,
Ryouga-sama!  We were just playing Twister!  Come in, come
inside, let me get you some tea!�

�Oh... good... I mean, good!  Yes, tea, tea�s, well, that�s
great!�

As the door slams behind them...

�Besides, Ryouga-sama... pigs have such little penises! I
like the fact you�re not all pig-like... see!  You�re much more
like a horse or pony or something!�

A girlish giggle, a pregnant pause, and then the fireworks
begin...


*****


That's it.  Proof that long exposure to Lara Bartram and her 'fics
_does_ cause grievious brain damage!  And much more creativity... so go get
some!  Hope you all enjoyed, or at least have been suffiently outraged, and
will _privately_ respond, unless it's a C&C you feel will enrich the ML... 
or
you think you're funny enough to compete ;)

My very heartfelt thanks go to Lara, of course, for encouraging me, and
for pre-reading when she should have been getting sleep... thank you!
You'll probably burn in hell for this day's work!  What a gal! :)

And to Alan, sorry about the keyboard... mebbe I'll send you one of
those plastic cover things ;)  And... get back to work!  Lara-sama demands
torture!  Thanks for the look-over, my confidence doubled hearing you're
suggestions.

So, until next episode... Ta-ta!

--,-@

-Martin L. Metke
-sleet01@hotmail.com
"I laughed, I cried, I fell down, it changed my life... it was good!"



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