Subject: [FFML] [misc.] Anime Shorts 2
From: Andrew
Date: 4/25/1999, 7:00 PM
To: Anime Fanfiction Mailing List

(We see Ranma, Herb, and Ryouga sitting on rocks, looking really tired. In the
back, laying on Hammocks are Lime and Mint. Herb looks nervous.)
Herb: Um...folks. I've just been informed that Rumiko Tashashi has decided to
can us.
Ryouga: Can us?
Herb: I mean fire us. We're suppose to leave the place at the end of the day.
Ryouga: Fire us!
Ranma: You know what your problem was. There was too much of your laughing and
not enough this. (Ranma smacks Herb.)
Herb: Hey! That was uncalled for!
Ranma (shouting): And your Phoenix Dragon idea was uncalled for too! That thing
nearly killed us!
Herb: Hey, I thought that was suppose to be a joke!
Ryouga: Oh, you want to hear a joke? Well, two martial artist walk into a bar
and one of them does this. (Ryouga hits Herb.)
Ranma: Slap the punk! (Ranma slaps Herb.)
Herb: Hey! Lime! Mint! I need help! Call security!
Ryouga: Whose your daddy?
Ranma: Hey, he's changing sex! (Ranma clobbers Herb.)
Ryouga: Come on, squirt some blood! (Ryouga pulverizes Herb.)
Herb: Um, Lime! Mint! I think they're upset!
(Mint tsks as he looks down Herb being pulverized by Ranma and Ryouga.)
Mint: Now how is that suppose to sell a manga? (He looks over at Lime, who's
french kissing Rouge. He holds up a sign, "Not now...I'm busy.")
*****************************************
(We switch over to a gameshow like setting. We see A-ko and Kei sitting down at
a table. Ataru comes in, wearing a gameshow-like suit and tie.)
Ataru: Now, A-ko you'll win an all-expense paid trip to Hello Kitty Land if you
can just get Kei here to say the secret word in one minute! (He holds up a strip
of paper with the word, "Pair." Then, he places it on a Scrabble tile holder to
A-ko.)
A-ko: Okay, Kei. Dirty...
Kei: Laundry! You wouldn't ever believe the number of panties Yuri and I go
through in a week. It's amazing how much fun sex is with a couple of Totoros...
A-ko: No, no...how about...the opposite of clean?
Kei: Why should there be an opposite of clean. Because I figure there's various
stages of clean, but not clean itself. And besides, do you realize how hard it
is to get bullet stains off your bra?
A-ko: No...NO! Kei, listen to me, why do you want everyone to call you the
"Lovely Angels."
Kei: Because we are angels. (She then promptly displays a pair of wings.) In
fact, I graduated from the same class that Skuld did, in the year 1066 AD.
(A-ko face-faults.)
Ataru: 30 seconds left!
A-ko: Kei...listen to me. What one phrase do you most hate to hear?
Kei: Ranma no baka! (A-ko blinks, looking very confused.) You have no idea how
many drunk people confuse me with Akane. I mean it's so overused, like that
mythical mallet she supposedily wears. Do you know what she really does to
control Ranma?
A-ko: No, I don't think there's ---
Kei: She wield a mean flamethrower. I didn't realize the boy's afraid of fire!
A-ko: Kei! Come on! I'm trying to get you say a word...what's your favorite
fruit?
Kei: Mangos! (A mango tree lands on A-ko. Ataru moves it out of the way.)
A-ko: Hey! Where did that mango tree come from?!
Kei: A bunch of Doonsbury guys are working on "Ranma 1/2 the Movie," in the next
lot. Say, are you okay, Eiko?
A-ko: No, I'm not! I can't get you say "pair!" You're known as the Dirty Pair,
right?
Kei: Hey! I hate being called the dirty pair especially, then there's only me ---
Ataru: That's correct! You've done it! Except, since you said the secret word
first, we can't give you your prize!
A-ko: WHAT?! (She grabs Ataru and starts to choke him. As he gags, she grits
out...) You'd better give me the prize, or I'll remove a pair of your vital
external organs. Then you'll never ever run after any woman ever again!
Ataru: Wait...can't...y---(His eyes roll upwardwards and Ataru's body limps
over. A-ko drops him to the ground in a heap.)
Kei: Hey, you've killed Ataru. (A-ko blinks and looks up at Kei.)
A-ko: Do you think Lum'll be mad at me?
Kei: I doubt it. I mean she did have a billion dollar insurance just incase he
died.
A-ko: Really?
Kei: Yeah, I'm her insurance agent when I'm not on duty. Gotta pull two jobs
these days, y'know...(They walk off the set.)
************************************
(We switch to a middle of an infomercial, an infomercial being made out at a
picnic. We see every kind of dish and food out there, strangely, no one's
eating...)
Lina: I can't believe you could do all that with the "Red Devil" outdoor grill!
Kasumi: Why, yes, Lina-chan! In fact, it also makes a great weapon! (Happousai
hops over the side of the long fence. We pan around to see that the audience are
all beautiful young girls from ages 18 to 32.) See this metal knob, Lina? You
aim it at an angle, and it because a miniture Death Star ray!
Lina: Yes, indeed, Kasumi! The little tiny lasers on the edge of the Super
Skillet shape focus at one point and then you just aim it to your target!
This is because of the Skillet's parabolic shape! (She does so, and in a very
slooowwww moving scene, we see the lasers come out and hit Happousai. He
explodes in a kind of an explosion only special effects and bomb expects could
do.)
Audience: Oooh...Aaahh...
Lina: So, that's the Nerima "Red Devil" outdoor grill, which doubles as a Star
Wars weapons device. Next, we'll show you how you can turn your "Red Devil" into
an outdoor oven and a waste disposal unit --- in case your little sister is
cooking!
Akane's and C-ko's voices: Hey!
***********************************
(We switch over the Jusenkyou Springs. Ranma, Nodoka, and Genma appear walk in.
Genma and Nodoka are carrying a lot of camera equipment. The guide rushes out.)
Guide: Oooh, honored guest. What brings you here to Jusenkyou? (Genma and Nodoka
pulls out a couple of business cards and gives them to the guide, and they hold
out their badges.)
Nodoka: <We're with the National Geographic Society, and we're on assignment in
China.>
Genma: Son, why don't you hop up on the sticks here? (Ranma nods and he hops up
on one.
Guide: <I wouldn't advise it, sir. The springs here are cursed. Very cursed.>
Genma: <Cursed? What kind of curse?>
Guide: <Any kind of curse. We have curses of all sorts, including that one,
Spring of Drowned Cliche. How a cliche could drown in a cold spring like that, I
don't know.>
Genma: <Maybe it was as easy as falling off a log.>
Nodoka: <These springs are cold springs? Where's the source?>
Guide: <Hmm...you know no one has ever tried to find the geological sources of
these springs. Even magical springs must have a source somewhere.>
Genma: Hmm...dear, do you think we could bring a team over here to find the
source of this spring?
Nodoka: Yes. Yes, anata, I believe we could make a lot of money out of this.
But, are these springs safe?
Ranma: Hey, pop! Mom! Take a look at me!
Genma: Heh, that's my son! (Genma accidently whacks on the pole and Ranma loses
balance. He falls into a spring. Nodoka takes pictures of him falling all the
way down.)
Guide: <You, sir, should have never done that! That's the spring of Drowned
Girl. There is a hugely tragic story with it.>
Nodoka (still taking pictures of the spring): <Story? Well, do tell. Our readers
love stories.> (Ranma-chan appears in the spring. Instant girl.)
Ranma-chan: Hey, Mom, Dad? Can you...(He looks down at his chest.) ieeeee!!! I'm
a girl!
Guide: <Well, it looks like your son is now a girl.>
Nodoka (still taking pictures): <You mean these springs are real! Wow! Let's
see...> Dear, would you mind taking all of those cameras off?
Genma: Sure, why? (Nodoka pushes Genma into a spring, taking pictures all the
way until he comes back up as a panda. She laughs.)
Genma-panda: Rowf?
Nodoka: Well, I've always wanted to have a pet panda even as a child! Hmm...wait
until Greenpeace gets a hold on this. (to the Guide) <Off the record, Guide, how
would you like to make a million dollars and have a vacation villa off the coast
of Spain?>
(Meanwhile in the Amazon village...Plum runs in as they prepare for today's
battle. Cologne notices Plum and hops over to her. Plum whispers something in
her ear and Cologne's face looks more and more excited.)
Cologne: <People! We've got to bare our breasts! There's a couple of people from
the National Geographic Society coming here! This is our big chance to make it
big! And put away that Kool-aid!> 
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