Subject: Re: [C&C][FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma][REVISED]A Stained Glass Mind [1/?]
From: "Brian Mull" <bmull@provide.net>
Date: 4/9/1999, 12:55 AM
To: "Anand Rao" <anandr@mminternet.com>
CC: ffml@fanfic.com
Reply-to:
bmull@provide.net

You said you wanted C&C so I'll give it a try.

Ranma 1/2 is owned by Rumiko Takahashi

Tribe of One is owned by TSR.


A Stained Glass Mind
--------------------------

By: Anand Rao


"O-Otosan. . . I don't wanna do this again."  The little boy looked up at
his father and sniffed back his tears.

"One more time, Ranma."  The father held his son dangling over a pit.  The
little boy, Ranma, had sardines tied all over his body.  In the dark and

Genma has already used the name Ranma so there is no need for 
it to be repeated in the next sentence.

cavernous pit below him, terrifying meowing sounds could be heard.  "One
more time," Genma repeated, "to get you over this fear.  The damage has been
done, and now we need to repair it.  Face it like a man, Ranma!"

Sweat started to drip off the boy's face and mixed with the blood from the
cuts and scratches he had previously received.  The salty sweat burned in

Mixed tenses and passive voice.  I recommend you rewrite it.  For 
example:

Sweat began to drip off the boy's face and mix with the blood from 
previously received cuts and scratches.

his wounds, but his fear was too great to truly feel the pain.

"Here you go."  Genma tossed Ranma into the pit.

"Here you go."  Genma said as he tossed Ranma into the pit.

Darkness descended upon Ranma as he fell.  The meowing, scratching, clawing,
and biting started all over again. Then the screaming. . . the frustrated,
fearful, painful screaming began; and just as Ranma realized that it was his
own voice, his mind shattered.

His own voice what?  Try:  and, just as Ranma realized that the 
screaming voice was his own, his mind shattered.


Chapter 1: Shattering the Mirror
-----------------------------------

Ryoko walked through the village in a pensive mood.  For the first time in
over ten years, she had dreamed about her family.  She had thought that all
the pain, abuse, and misunderstanding, were behind her.  The village was her
home now.  She, like all the women in the village, was an outcast.  Their
own families and friends could not accept what they were, so they came here,
for peace, solace, and education.

You begin two sentences with "She" very close to one another.

Also, the second sentence beginning with "She" seems to change 
what the paragraph is about.  The first part of the paragraph talks 
about her family while the second part talks about why the women 
are in the village.  I recommend you split this paragraph into two 
and add a transition between them.
 
All of the women were different from so-called 'normal' people.  They were
born with an intellect that far exceeded anyone their own age, and with that
intellect came some kind of psionic skill as well.  Ryoko's powers lay in
dreaming.  Her dreams did not so much foretell the future as many had
thought, but instead provided her with a sense of foreshadowing.  At the
village, she had learned telepathy as well.  She was not very strong at
first, but the ability was there, and she improved as she grew older.

Ryoko idly watched as different classes were being taught around her.  Mara
was conducting a class in telekinetic ability, having different students

Hum, I believe this is a comma splice and the comma needs to be 
replace by a semicolon.

attempt to move multicolored rubber balls with their minds.  Melanie was
teaching another group of students a basic kata.  In this village, the
Village of the Mind, the women believed in maintaining a balance between the
mental, the emotional, and the physical aspects of life.  They reasoned that
a strong body coupled with a strong mind led to true mastery of their
skills.  Yet another group of students, some of the advanced ones, were
training to focus their ki.

[snip]

"But. . . but you can't expect me to leave my son alone, in a village filled
only with women! Who will teach him the Art?  I promised my wife that I
would make him a man among men!  I took him away from her so that she
wouldn't coddle him!  And now you want me to leave him here?  Alone?"  Genma
was standing and clearing shouting by the time he finished speaking.

clearing?
 
[snip]

Ryoko smiled as the sweat dripped off her face and neck.  Dozens of the
village students and not a few of the instructors watched in admiration as
she faced off against Ranma.  These sparring sessions were a daily ritual,
but it was only recently that the crowds had started to gather.  Ranma was
fast approaching Ryoko's equal and everyone knew it.  They had been sparring

'approaching Ryoko's equal' in what?  How close is he? etc.  You 
need to state this a little better.

For example:

Ranma was fast approaching Ryoko's skill in martial arts; soon he 
would be her equal, and everyone knew it.

for hours and neither one had been able to land a single blow.

As the sweat glistened on Ranma's muscled chest and his long damp hair clung

Everyone has a muscled chest, try muscular.

to his forehead, Ryoko could not help but think about how far he had
progressed in the past ten years.  He was about sixteen years of age now,
and already he was the best martial arts student in the village.  He did,
however, use the tribe to cheat his way out of studying anything else.
Ryoko despaired of ever teaching -Ranma- about math or history.

[snip]

Of course, Ukyo was a great help as well.  She was the same age as Ranma,
and had befriended him when no one else had.  At the tender age of six she
had proclaimed that anyone who hurt her 'Ranchan' would answer to her.  She
protected him like a younger brother, and the two had become close.  They
had become so close, in fact, that the first word Ranma said since he enter

entered

Also, as "since" means "from then until now," and Ranma has 
been talking in the village for a while, you need another word.  Try 
something like:

They had become so close, in fact, that the first word Ranma said 
after entering the village was 'Ucchan'; his pet name for Ukyo.

the village was 'Ucchan'; his pet name for Ukyo.  The other villagers were
shamed by Ukyo's actions, and eventually they accepted him as well.  He had
become everyone's 'little brother'.

[snip]

"Why are you doing this to us?"  Ranma demanded.  Only, Ryoko realized, it
wasn't Ranma.  She sat down and stared at Ranma, the fascination evident on
her face.

If this is not Ranma then she should not be staring at Ranma.

"You are one of the others, right?  What. . . what should I call you?"

"You can call me Guardian.  Why are you trying to enter our mind?"

"I want to help Ranma understand what he is, I want to understand what
happened to him."

"You want to help him?  By asking him to lift those silly balls?"  The
Guardian asked, speaking of the telekinetic exercises.

"It is not silly.  It helps develop psionic talent."

"Ranma does not -have- any psionic talent."

"But, then, how. . .  I understand!  One of the others is psionic, correct?"

"I have the gift of telepathy, yes," Guardian confirmed.

"Why haven't you revealed yourself to Ranma?"

"There is no need.  We will protect him as required."

This section of the narrative needs reworking.  As Guarding already 
stated she is telepathic she should have already known what 
Ryoko is trying to do.  I think that it would work better if she came 
forward to let Ryoko know that the tribe did not feel it would be in 
Ranma's best interest to continue with the psionic testing.  Then 
the following paragraphs would be Ryoko's rebuttal to the tribe.
 
"But you have to tell him!  Ranma has to understand the tribe.  It will help
him to adjust as he lives his life among others."  Ryoko bit her lower lip.
She hoped that the Guardian would understand.

Drop "the" as Guardian is being used as a name.  You would not 
say the Ranma or the Ryoko.
 
"He has lived his life here comfortably, without the knowledge of us.  Why
should things change now?"

"Ranma might not always be living here!  The outside world will not be as
opened minded as some of us."

Instead of "might not" Ryoko would say "will not" as she knows 
that Genma will be coming back to get Ranma.
 
"Perhaps. . . Ranma cares for you a great deal.  He loves you like a mother.

Perhaps . . . 

An ellipsis gets a space on both sides.  Only if it abuts a quotation 
mark is there no space.

You tell him of us, and we will guide him to understanding."

"Agreed."

That day marked a changed in Ranma's training.  Ryoko studied all the
village's journals for whatever she could find on  'A Tribe of One'.  She
explained to Ranma what she knew and what she learned, while the Guardian

Guardian not the Guardian.  See above.

gradually opened Ranma's mind to the other personalities that lived there.
Over the years, Ryoko learned that there were ten different personalities in
Ranma's mind.

First, there was Ranma, of course, who was the primary personality and led
the tribe. Second, was the Guardian who guided and protected Ranma and made

Guardian not the Guardian.  See above.

the tribe work as a team. Third, there was Bitter, a cynical, adult
personality that looked at the pessimistic side of any situation.  Fourth,
there was the Watcher, a paranoid being who was constantly aware of

Watcher not the Watcher.  See above.

everything in the environment and was also scared of everything.

Fifth, was Lyric, a child-like artist who liked to sing and dance and laugh
all the time.  Sixth, was Play, a sensual being who just wanted experience

wanted too experience

everything life had to offer; regardless of the consequences.  Seventh, was
Shade, a dark personality who only believed only in survival.  Shade

Drop an "only" as one of them is redundant.

instinctively wanted to kill any being that was a threat to the tribe.

Eighth, was Neko.  None of the tribe knew who or what Neko was, only that he
was there. Ryoko, however, knew what he was. It became all too evident when
one of the girls offered to let Ranma play with her pet cat.  Neko was the
embodiment of the Cat-fist.

Ninth, was the Master. Master was more mysterious then Neko.  The tribe was

Master not the Master.  See above.

in awe of him, but so far he had not taken a turn at controlling Ranma's
body.  And finally, there was the Inner Child; that which was Ranma before
Genma had tried to teach him the Cat-fist.  The Inner Child was safe and
protected in the depths of Ranma's mind and would probably never wake up.

Ryoko kept her mind from wandering any further as Ranma's fist nearly
planted itself in her face.  She smiled and held up a hand; a signal that
the match was over.

"Very good, Ranma. You grow stronger with each passing day."  Ryoko bowed in
Ranma's direction as the rest of the students clapped and congratulated him.

"Aw, it was nothin', Sensei.  I had a good teacher.  Besides, I'm not that
good  yet. . . I -still- couldn't hit you," Ranma sighed and continued, "And

yet . . . .  I -still- couldn't hit you.

You need a space with the ellipsis and an ending period for the first 
sentence.  Also replace the comma with a period.

I still can't seem to focus my Ki."

[snip]

(Okay, okay, whatever,) Ranma agreed.  "I'm gonna go to the springs first
and take a bath," he said out loud.

As you have used ( ) to mark internal speech there is no need to 
have "out loud" after the voiced speech.
 
[snip]

Suddenly, one of the students, a tall, green-eyed girl, named Katya quickly

named Katya,

Unless it matters which student brings the message, the student's 
name is a parenthetical expression and needs to be set off by 
commas.

approached the trio.  "High Mistress, there is a man at the village gate.
He says he is Ranma's father."

[snip]

Ranma stripped off his sweaty gi and waded into the warm pool.  The hot
springs were located very close to the village and were a deciding factor in
building the village in this particular location.  The village of the Mind
was located in China, somewhere in the Himalayas.  A part of the education
discipline at the village includes geography. Ranma knew that the village
was lucky to have these springs since he didn't -think- that there was much
thermal or volcanic activity nearby.

(The existence of the springs kind of proves that particular theory wrong.)

By putting this in the Himalayas you are placing it near India.  I can 
find no Holocene volcanoes anywhere near there.

See:  http://nmnhwww.si.edu/gvp/volcano/index.htm.

As you are showing hot springs, there has to be some type of 
underground volcanic activity.  You might want to rethink the 
location of the village.

(What ever you say, Bitter,) Ranma replied.

(You never were a very good student, Ranma.  Lucky for you, I, at least,
stayed awake during class.)

(But, Bitter!  Those classes were sooooo -boring-!) Play protested.

(How would -you- know? Its like you actually paid attention to anything.)

It's not like

[snip]
 
Ukyo waded in the water towards Ranma, concern written all over her face.
"Ranchan. . . do you want to talk?  About your father, I mean."

Ranchan . . . do

"There's not much to say yet, Ucchan.  Ryoko Sensei told me that he might
come back for me one day."

If you are going to use Sensei as a suffix you should append it to 
her name, i.e.  Ryoko-sensei.

"But are you going to go with him?  Don't you like it here? Why can't you
stay?"  Ukyo's lips were trembling and her eyes started to water.

"I do like it here, Ukyo.  This is the only home I've ever known, but I want

Ranma is not calling her Ucchan?

to learn about my past.  I want to learn who I am.  I want to learn about my
family, about my bloodline."

Ranma knows that Ryoko is his Aunt.  Has he never asked her 
about his family.  She would at least know about his father's side.  

She might even know something about his mother.  Does she 
remember about Genma's saying that he "promised my wife that I 
would make him a man among men!"  If she does, did she tell 
Ranma?
 
[snip]

(Such a noble and foolish quest.  Why go out into the unknown with some old
man who left us behind?  Stay here, its comfortable, and we know where our

it's comfortable

next meal is coming from,) Bitter argued.

(Bitter, please. . . not now.)

please . . . not

"But Ranma, what about us?  I- I love you!"

Ranma blinked, then smiled.  "I love you too, Ucchan, you're like a sister
to me, you know that, but I need to do this.  If my. . . father wants me to

my . . . father

leave with him, I am going to go."

"But Ranchan, you -don't- understand!  I don't love you like a brother!  I-"

"Ucchan. . . I'm sorry but-"

Ucchan . . . I'm
 
"Don't say it, Ranchan, don't say it." Ukyo quickly left the springs, tears
flowing freely down her face.

"Ucchan!"  Ranma called out, but she didn't turn back.

(It's better this way.  Even if you did love her, you know I never could,
either could the watcher.)

neither could Watcher.

I don't think that Guardian would not call one of the others by their 
name.

(Guardian, do you always have to be so damned cold-blooded about these
things?) Ranma asked.

(What do you want me to say?  If you loved her like that it would have only
made things worse, because the two of you could never be together.  I could
no more make love to a woman than you could to a man.)

(I don't know. . . it might be fun,) Play mused.

know . . . it

[snip]

"Genma, Ranma will be coming here soon.  He has grown into a fine young man
and has learned to deal with the tribe.  He will still have difficulty
adjusting to the outside world.  We have protected him here, and I doubt
that you could do the same.  If the choice were mine, I would not let you
take him, and no force on earth would stop me.  However, I know that Ranma
wants to go with you.  He is a young male, and his adventurous spirit is in
full bloom."  Ryoko paused and gave Genma a hard look.  "If you -ever- do
anything else to hurt that poor boy, I will kill you."

As you are stressing ever you might want to also stress will.

Genma gulped nervously.  "Ryoko-san, he is my son, and I love him.  Th-thank
you for taking care of him for all these years, but its time for him to come

it's time

with me."

As if on cue, Ranma knocked on the door then walked into the study.  Father
and son looked eyes and gazed at each other for a few moments.  Unknown to

locked eyes

Genma, the telepathic Guardian had risen up and was now probing Genma's
mind.

[snip]

(He is still my father.  I have to go with him, at least to make amends,)
Ranma thought stubbornly.

Why would Ranma need to make amends?
 
(Everything is his fault though!) Bitter exclaimed. (What kind of idiot
throws his son into a pit of hungry cats?  How can he make amends for that?
Is -that- love?)

[snip]

Ranma sighed. (Okay, let's make a deal.  At the first sign of trouble, we
leave, would that be acceptable?)

leave.  Would

[snip]

Genma released Ranma and gruffly started clapping him on the shoulder.  "You
look well, boy.  Well. . . we should go."

Well . . . we

[snip]

"Hold on for a second, Otosan."  Ranma walked around Ryoko's desk and stood

Ranma is being awfully polite for someone who thinks his father is 
a complete idiot.

in front of her.  "Sensei, thank you for everything you have done for me.
You took me in when I was sick and taught me how to live with myself,
rather, my 'selves'.  I was happy here, and leaving you will be hardest of

'selves.'

all."

[snip]

"Well my boy," Genma said as they were several miles away from the village,
"the first thing we need to do is get your training up to speed."

once they were
 
[snip]

(At least we're out of the village now!) Play exclaimed.  (I've always
wanted to see the world!  There is so many fun things we can experience!)

There are so

[snip]

The pair traveled across China for two weeks.  During that time, the tribe
took control rarely, and only when Genma was asleep.  No one in the tribe
liked him or had any desire to speak with him.  As for Genma, he
concentrated on telling Ranma about their school and how much he had
sacrificed for the art.  He knew, from Ryoko, that Ranma had many
personalities within him, but since they had not emerged, he decided to
ignore them.  He felt that it was Ranma's problem and that he was better
equipped to deal it at any rate.  He decided early on not to tell Ranma

The second he could refer to Genma and not Ranma depending on 
how it is read.

deal with it

about his agreement with his old friend Soun; it was best to deal with one
problem at a time.

When Guardian scanned Genma's mind wouldn't she have found 
out about the agreement with Soun?  As this would have been near 
the top of Genma's mind (after wanting to leave the village and 
check Ranma's training)?

[snip]

(What's he saying?  His Japanese is kinda rough, and I don't speak Chinese,)
Ranma admitted.

(You live in China for most of your life, and you don't even speak the
language?)

(Well, did -you- learn it, Bitter?)

(Of course, I did! It's not like I had anything better to do.  Your stupid
fights didn't excite me much. Besides, someone had to stay awake during
class.)

(Fine, you speak to him.)

This sequence does not make any sense.  Unless all the women in 
the village spoke only Japanese Ranma must have been required to 
learn Chinese.  You might want to say that the Guide speaks a 
different dialect of Chinese than Ranma, thus Bitter could have 
learned that one.

[snip]

(I -reallllly- think we should wait on this.  Guardian why don't to read the
Guide's mind?)

don't you read

[snip]

The Guide started babbling again.  Suddenly, a huge panda bear emerged from

Panda Bear or Giant Panda

the spring where Genma had fallen.  He jumped out of the spring and onto the
pole across from Ranma.  Ranma stared at the bear in shock as it growled at

the panda in shock

While the Giant Panda is of the Family Ursidae I don't know of 
anyone calling them a bear instead of a panda.  Your choice, 
however, in the above and following paragraphs.

him.

Ranma froze as he felt Shade trying to take control of the body.  He had
felt threatened by the bear.  Ranma did not know what was going on, but he
knew that Shade would try to kill the bear, so he struggled to hold on.
Unfortunately, this gave the bear enough time to backhand Ranma, sending him
off into another spring.  The sudden plunge into cold water, and the
immediate danger subsiding, Shade pulled back into the depths of Ranma's
mind.  Ranma regained full control as he reached the surface of the water.
He knew that something was wrong.

[snip]

Notes:

So, why a rewrite of something I wrote back in October of '97?

Well, a few months back, I discovered, (much to my embarrassment,)  that
people still read this thing.  So I decided to take a look at it and cringed
at what I saw.  The grammar was horrible, the story was a poor mix of prose
and script, there were several gaping plot holes, the characters were hardly
IC, and the ending, quite frankly, sucked.

Good enough reasons, I suppose.  So sit back, relax, (and hopefully,) enjoy.

Thanks to Sean Gaffney for prodding me and Donny Cheng for prereading.

Any and all C&C accepted, (and desired, really.)  Even if you flamed me the
first time around, feel free to do so again.

Namaste,

Anand




In all a nice rewrite of the original.  I look forward to seeing how the 
how the story will change from here on out.

Brian

The Fountains Are Dusty In The Graveyard Of Dreams
The Hinges Are Rusty, They Swing With Tiny Screams.