Subject: [FFML] C&C [Draft] Dew on the grass
From: warr@pobox.alaska.net (Warr)
Date: 3/28/1999, 1:05 AM
To: pluck@ihug.co.nz
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

Hello hello,

I havn't C&C'd anything in a while, so forgive my rusty attempts at it.


Ranko was just an innocent bystander in this - so was Ranma, for that
matter, but she was still furious at him for going at hitting that rock
with his stupid head.

going at hitting that rock?  maybe remove 'for going at' ?

Tired as he was,
he still appreciated the warmth of the air and the sunlight after an
intensely cold fortnight of training in the mountains.  Sunlight and the
songs of birds seemed like strangers to him after the many cold nights
of meditation and training he had been through.

He's been training, yes?  I would think he would hear birds while on the
mountains unless he was above the treeline.  And, maybe it's just me,
but I'd say 'birdsong' instead of 'songs of birds.'  *shrug*

Even in her
befuddled state, Ranko was able to grasp the irony of her current
state - unable to wake, with her mind struggling to do a mile
at all.

How about, "a mile a minute"  I've never heard of 'a mile at all'

Part of her was scared of facing the students there, the
other part of her was scared of being late.

I'm not positive but I think that comma should be a semicolon.

Ranma wouldn't get this.. pity.

Ellipses generally use three periods.  I think I would phrase it
a little differently.  Ranma wouldn't have understood.  Pity.

He'd attacked Ran.. Ranko.  An innocent, defenceless girl.

defenseless  Course, you're using British spelling, so *shrug*

"I SHOULD have known, Ranko," spat Ryouga, fist shaking with anger,
"and I didn't.  I know you can never truly forgive me for what
I did, but I'm going to try and earn your trust."

"That's why," he continued, "I vow that I will watch over you,

Don't need the quote's after 'your trust.'  Same speaker and all.
One of them funky rules.

Ranko held her arms out, but P-chan struggled back towards her
chest.  She giggled a little.

"He likes my chest better than yours."  ^_-

Ryouga's mind was racing as he tried to reconcile the
anger and mistrust he had shown Ranma with the kindness and sincerity
that Ranko had shown him.

Nicely done.  Show's his inner struggle well.

He  felt a sense of happiness, of belonging, as he stepped forward off
the pillow.  Maybe she could protect him, too.

Extra space between 'He felt'

He was curled up in Ranko's arms, her still-smiling
face resting atop his head as the two slumbered together, both appearing
equally happy in the warmth of their embrace.

Akane needs to find out that Ryoga is P-Chan now that she is starting to
feel a little sympathetic for Ranko.  <G>  "How dare you?!  Not only did
you take advantage of me, but poor Ranko too!"

Slowly, his muslces relaxed as he remembered.  Ranko.  He blushed and
bowed his head.

muscles

"I, uh.. I slept well," she stammered, "and so did P-chan.  I think he
curled
up in the first place he could find, it really took it out of him to be out
in the storm last night." she finished, weakly.

Word-wrap knocked 'curled' into its own line or something.

communication skills as a pig were lacking.  He heard the sounds of people
talking downstairs, and stepped through Ranko's bedroom.  Opening the
window,
he leaned out and then jumped through, landing softly on the grass below.

Ditto.

As he passed by the kitchen window, which was open a little, he heard
Ranko's
voice.  He stopped, and leaned up against the wall.  Shouldn't she have
left for school by now?

Again.

"I, uh," she started, beginning to blush, "I did enjoy it, though.

"Can you do it in your human form tonight?"

"I'll see you later today.  And.. thanks, again, Ryouga."

Three periods... :)

<No point in rushing when there's a beautiful sunset to enjoy,> she
thought to herself.  She couldn't help but smile at the noise of Ryouga
following her, walking along the fence that ran alongside the street.

How late do classes get out?  I've never seen Ryouga walking on a fence
before, seems to be Ranma's trait.

I just thought of something.  Where is Ranko sleeping?  Maybe I missed
it earlier but she seems to have a bedroom to herself. She's not hurt
anymore so I don't think she'd be in Akane's room but sharing the room
with Genma.

P-chan found himself sitting in Akane's bedroom.  He'd not walked
far from the Tendo house before stopping, and had spent at least an

Hm, I think it flows a little better if you said 'He hadn't walked'

She dropped to her knees in front of him and looked out at the
lake again.  "Not fair.." she said again, more quietly.

It's ellipses time again.  ;>

"I wish I'd told you," she replied, "while I still had a human
voice.  I'll tell you as soon as I do again."

And if we're going for angst, Ranma will be the one to emerge when
the neko-ken goes into remission.  Course, Ryouga has to find the
Tendo's place before anything can happen.

I'm waiting for Ranma to wake up.  Maybe he'll remember what all
went on, which will probably disgust him, but then he and Ryouga,
and possibly everyone, will have better relationships all around
for it.

Ranma sat, arms folded, as Kasumi cut at his hair.  He'd just
gotten over wearing that stupid dress when he noticed himself
in the mirror.  What had happened to his hair?

Since this is before the Dragon Hair episode, shouldn't the male
Ranma's hair be growing like crazy?  He isn't wearing his usual
braid, is he?

"I was actually a  GIRL?" he said, in disbelief.  Kasumi nodded.
"I went to SCHOOL like that?  And you guys LET me?"

Extra space in there.


First off, I liked the title.  It caught my eye and it fits the story
quite well.    You portrayed Ryouga and Ranko extremely well.
Ryouga's inner monologue especially struck me as right on target.

Look forward to reading more from you.


Warr

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                            Episode 214: Chef Aid - The German Dance

                                  I will do the German dance for you.
                                     It's fun and gay and fun to do
                                     I hope you will enjoy my song
                                        Sweetly, I feel lucky.

                                    Would you like some sauerkraut
                                      German boy, German boy?
                                   Would you like some sauerkraut?
                                            Bon appetit.