Hi!  Here's the c&c...

The Return of the White Tiger
Chapter 1: A Tiger Roams in Foreign Lands
                                                      >By Wesley Bridges

[snip]

    The streets of Tokyo were strangely quiet in the early hours of the
evening. At the
National Library, a young girl, about fifteen or sixteen, 

It's probably just me (^_^), but I'd write:

about fifteen or sixteen years old,

walked eagerly
up the steps to the main
entrance. The light from the moon, just beginning to rise above the
horizon, made her normally
flame-red hair take on a maroon color, which melted away as she walked
into the light coming

>from the windows of the library.


Ooo... nice visual description there...

    Before opening the door to enter the library, the girl stopped and
pushed the hair clinging
to her light grey blazer back so it fell down to the small of her back.
Then, brushing her light
blue skirt quickly, she opened the door and stepped into the library.

    "Hello, Akiya." A 

Akiya," a

woman at the information desk said as the girl
approached.

    "Good evening, Miss Shiname." 

Shiname,"

Akiya replied happily.

    "Are you working today?"

    "Yep, but it's only for an hour." 

hour,"

Akiya said, her emerald green
eyes shining with energy.

    "Well, then I'll 

"Well then, I'll

have you sign in. After that, you can go file
these books."

    "Okay." Akiya said 

"Okay," Akiya said,

signing a book on the desk.

    Akiya took the books and skipped off to go file them. 

I'd mention where the books came from... they seem to 
just appear out of thin air or something.  Maybe:

Akiya took a stack of books from a cart and skipped off
or
Akiya took the books that Miss Shiname handed her and 
skipped off

She looked at
the first so she could
determine where to file it, and discovered it had a label different from
all of the other books she
had.

How about:

different from all of the other books she was holding.

    *This one goes to the Important Documents Room.*

Room,*

Akiya thought,
surprised. *These
are not normally supposed to be checked in at the front desk. I wonder
how it got here. Oh, well

Oh well; 
or
Oh well.

I'll just go and file it since it's closer.*

    Akiya walked passed the juice vending machines and up the stairs to
the Important
Documents Room. Once inside 

inside,

she walked over the aisles 

How about: 

she walked through the aisles,

looking each
block over and
comparing it to the label on the spine of the book. Finding the proper
location in the back aisle,
Akiya replaced the book, when suddenly a thud came from somewhere
nearby. 

I'd make that last phrase into its own sentence:

replaced the book.  Suddenly, a thud

She turned to the
noise, and noticed a thick red book lying on the floor.

    *How did that happen?* Akiya thought 

thought,

walking over to the book.

    Kneeling down, Akiya took the book and looked at it, her eyes wide
with curiosity.

    "The Universe of the Four Gods." 

Gods,"

Akiya murmured to herself. "What
sort of book is
this?"

    She opened the book and began to read silently to herself. The
instant she turned the
page, a ghostly image of a tiger jumped out of the book. Akiya pushed
the book away from her,
then stood slowly, backing away from the massive white tiger that stood
before her. The tiger
paused a moment looking at her, not with hungry or angry eyes, but with
eyes that had a certain
kindness to them.

    Akiya backed slowly away from the tiger, not knowing exactly what
to expect from the
specter. Then, without warning, the tiger pounced towards her. Unable to
react to the tiger's
speed, Akiya watched frightfully as the tiger leapt inside of her. 

A bit too repetitious of the word "tiger" in the past 
two paragraphs... Replace one or two of them with "it" 
or "the white beast" or "the ghostly creature" or 
something like that.

The
room soon became bathed
in a blinding white light, Akiya felt herself falling down what seemed
to be an endless tunnel
of white light. 

Comma splice - either make the second phrase into 
another sentence, or re-work this a bit.  And try not 
to use "white light" twice in a row.  How about:

in a blinding white light.  Akiya felt herself falling 
down what seemed to be an endless tunnel of light.
or
in a blinding white light, through which Akiya felt 
herself falling endlessly.

Then, everything went dark, as she lost consciousness.

*****************************************************

    The streets Taisei, 

streets of Taisei,

the capital city of Sairo, the western Empire,
were busy in the early
evening as the street vendors were beginning to pack up to begin their
long journeys home. 

I've been told to avoid the use of "was", "were", and 
other variants of the same, as the verbs in sentences.  
It makes for a less vivid style of writing.  I know I 
have to watch out for it in my own works ^_^   So, I'd 
write:

as the street vendors began to pack up

The
arid climate of Sairo made life harder on many families since crops were
not easily grown, 

families, since crops were not easily grown;


And, to tell the truth, I'd write:

families, since crops could not easily be grown;

nor
was going off to the city to sell merchandise always a safe journey.
Near the center of the large
city, stood 

city stood

the Temple of Byakko, which reminded the people that they
were being looked after
and if a problem should arise, 

I'd make this last bit into a new sentence:

looked after.  If a problem should arise,

there would always be someone to listen,

How about:

be someone around to listen,
or
be someone there to listen,

and perhaps even one to
lend a helping hand.

    In a small room within the temple, a man sat beside a large stone
altar upon which a
young child lay motionless. Soon a door in the back opened 

opened,

and a young
girl, maybe fifteen,

maybe fifteen years old,

entered wearing a long white kimono with a pale blue blouse underneath.

I'd start a new sentence:

entered.  She wore a long white kimono

Her eyes scanned the
room and, upon seeing the man, she smiled cheerfully. She looked down at
the stone altar and
saw the young child lying upon it.

    "Are you Koekie?" the man asked solemnly.

    "That's me." 

me,"

the girl said cheerfully. "But please, call me Eki."

    "Very well... Eki-sama. Tatara-sama told me that you could help my
son."

    Eki's eyes quickly went to the young child on the altar. Her eyes
quivered 

You could simply say "They quivered", since the subject 
of the last sentence was Eki's eyes.

as tears began
to well up inside of them. Her hands went cupped over her heart 

How about:

She cupped her hands over her heart,

which
now raced with fear. She
turned around quickly, causing the two waist long columns of light blue
hair to wrap around her.

How about:

She turned around quickly, making her two waist-length, light blue ponytails (or whatever style she uses) wrap themselves around her.

Taking in a deep breath and exhaling it slowly, Eki felt herself calm
down and regained her
composure.

Oh dear... I take it the prognosis is bad, then...  But 
doesn't a healer like Eki see stuff like this all the 
time?  Wouldn't she be used to it by now?  Maybe if she 
thought to herself how close to death this kid was, and 
how it'll take a lot of effort to save his life...?

    "Forgive me." 

me,"

Eki said, barely audible, her voice shaken. 

How about:

Eki said, her shaken voice barely audible.
or
Eki said, in a barely audible, shaken voice.

"I...
I'm... alright now."

    "It is alright, Eki-sama."

    Eki approached the alter 

altar

slowly, still taking in deep, uneasy
breaths. She placed a hand
gingerly upon the child's forehead, then another over the heart. Eki
closed her eyes and
concentrated. A warm feeling rose from her abdomen as her hands glowed
with a pale blue light.
The light diffused itself, soon covering the child completely, then it

completely; then, it

faded slowly. Eki's body
slumped as she felt the effects of the power take its toll upon her. As
she slowly adapted to her
weakened state, the child's eyes flickered open.

    "Daddy?" he said weakly.

         "I'm here, son." 

son,"


And, whoops, I think you put in an extra tab there. ^_^

the man said excited.

the man said, excited.
or
the man said excitedly.

    "He'll be just fine." 

fine,"

Eki said happily.

    "Thank you! Thank you so much! How could I ever repay you?" the man
asked, now
overjoyed.

    "There's no need for that." 

that,"

Eki said, her blue eyes sparkling with
happiness. "I'm just
glad I could help."

    After a few minutes, the child sat up and soon began to walk again.

You should probably put in some of the child's reaction 
to all this.  Maybe have him talk to his father, saying 
how he isn't in pain anymore... or have the child thank 
Eki as well.  Right now, the kid seems like an ingrate. 
 I mean, he owes her his life, and he hasn't said a 
single word to her! 

The man thanked Eki
again, then he and his son left the room. Eki breathed a sigh of
satisfaction, which was cut short
by a loud grumbling emanating from her stomach.

    "Awwww..." Eki moaned. "I'm hungry again."

    Not far from the Temple grounds, a young man sat at a table in a
small restaurant looking
over a menu, and noting several items upon it. 

How about: 

in a small restaurant.  He looked over its menu, and 
noted several [tasty-looking ^_^] items upon it.  

He was clad in head to

clad head to 

toe in white clothing
resembling 

ressembling (I think.  This is another word I'm not 
quite sure of... so if you know you're right, ignore 
me! ^_^)

those of a ninja, 

that of a ninja,

loose enough to move in freely, but not too
loose as to catch upon
something and upon 

I'd start a new sentence:

something.  Upon 

his back, two long, thin, swords in their sheaths
were strapped 

strapped,

crossed and
ready for use. He ran his hand through his light brown hair as he looked
through a window
towards the temple, as if he were expecting someone. After a couple of
minutes, a man came out

>from the kitchen area in the back and approached the table.

    "Are you ready to order?" the waiter asked the young man.

    "Yes." 

"Yes,"

the youth replied. "I would like to order one of this, and
then one of each of the
menu items from nine to sixteen."

    "Nine... to... sixteen?!" The waiter said, eyes bulging out of
their sockets with surprise.

"I had no idea Lina Inverse would be patronizing my 
restaurant again! Once was bad enough!" ^_^;;

    "And this one here to." 

here, too,"

the youth replied 

replied,

handing the menu to the
waiter. "Don't worry,
the rest will be here shortly."

"the rest" sounds a bit funny.  I keep on wanting to 
ask: The rest of what?  How about:

"Don't worry, my friend will be here shortly."

    The waiter, still a bit surprised from the large order 

order,

walked back
to the kitchen area. A
short while after he left, 

after he'd left,
or
after he had left,

the door to the restaurant opened, and Eki
walked inside and looked
around. Her gaze stopped as she spied the young man sitting at the table
and walked over to him

How about:

sitting at the table; she walked over to him

with the expression of a little kid trying to look mad and intimidating.

    "Kagatsu! You were supposed to wait for me!" she said 

said,

trying to
sound mad.

    "Sorry." Kagatsu replied calmly, 

"Sorry," Kagatsu replied calmly.

"You were later than you usually
are, and I always feel
out of place whenever I go to the temple. 

Is "temple" capitalized or not?  I think you had it 
capitalized earlier.

So I decided to come here and
order for you so the wait
wouldn't be as long."

    "Its okay." 

"It's okay,"

Eki said playfully. "I understand."

    Eki sat down across from Kagatsu smiling. 

Kagatsu, smiling.

A few moments later, the
waiter returned
with the food and laid it out on the table. Eki dived right in eating
quickly, but taking some

How about:

Eki dived right in; she ate quickly, but took some

time to chew, drink some tea, and breathe every once in a while.

    *At least she chews so I won't need to worry about her choking
herself.* 

herself,*

Kagatsu
thought as he watched her. *That would be one of the few things it would
be hard to protect her
from.*

    "Is something wrong, Kagatsu?" Eki said, noticing him staring at
her, her voice filled
with concern.

    "Hmm? Oh, No, 

no,

nothing's wrong. Just thinking." 

thinking,"

Kagatsu said as if
coming out of a
trance.

    "You've been acting strange these past few days. Daydreaming,
looking over your
shoulder as if you saw something, your 

How about:

as if you saw something.... Your

father even told me you've been
getting up in the middle
of the night? 

night.
or
night!

Are you sure nothing is wrong?"

    "There is no need for you to worry about me, Eki. I've known you
for eleven years, ever
since we were five years old, and ever since then, I have protected you

>from harm's way. 


I have kept you out of harm's way.
or
I have protected you from harm.

That
was my promise to you eleven years ago, and so it is my job to worry
about you, you need not
worry about me."

How about:

my job to worry about you.  You need not

    "But there are things you can't do alone, Kagatsu. Sometimes you
need a helping hand,
or someone to watch your back! Who is going to watch your back when you
need it?"

    "Perhaps someday, I will find out, but know this: if I am gone one
day, the seishi will
protect you. The four of you have an unspoken bond between you, a bond
that I may never
become a part of." Kagatsu answered, his voice taking on a dark and

How about:

that I may never become a part of," 
or
a part of." As Kagatsu answered, his voice took on 

deathly calm tone which
caused Eki's heart to stutter as if momentarily squeezed by a dark
force.

Oh dear....  (er... story ***spoiler*** in this 
paragraph, in case anyone's reading this c&c and hasn't 
already read through the first few chapters - if you 
skip this paragraph, you'll be fine) 
s
p
a
c
e
He must really, *really* not want to reveal his seishi 
nature.  So, in chapter 3, when it is revealed, he 
should probably be really unhappy... maybe even 
borderline ashamed, or angry.  It would be interesting 
to see exactly what's going through his mind at that 
point... how he wants to deny it but can't...  Oh, I'm 
just rambling.  Pay no attention to me ^_^

***spoiler warning over*** - it's safe to come out now!

    "Don't talk like that, Kagatsu." 

Kagatsu,"

Eki said, her voice wavering with
a hidden fear. "You're
beginning to scare me."

    "I'm sorry." 

sorry,"

Kagatsu said, his voice much warmer and livelier than
before. "I did not
mean to scare you like that."

    "Kagatsu?" Eki said timidly

timidly.

    "What is it?" Kagatsu responded in an assuring voice.

    "Promise me you won't go and do anything that will get you hurt."

hurt,"

Eki said in a timid and soft tone.  "At least... at least not for a long
time, okay?"

    "I'm not sure how well I can keep that promise." 

promise,"

Kagatsu said
calmly, looking to Eki,
who's 

whose

large round eyes began to gather tears. "Alright," he said

said,

assuring her. "I promise."

    Later that night, Kagatsu lie 

lay

awake in his bed 

bed,

staring into the
dark.

    *What is wrong with me.* 

me,*

Kagatsu thought to himself. *For all of
these years, I have
believed, without a doubt, my life was something just to give away. Live
or die, what would it
matter, nothing 

I'd start a new sentence:

what would it matter?  Nothing

was going to make up for what I could not do... back
then. Now... I'm not so
sure.... Just talking with Eki today made me feel... differently. But
why? Why is all this
happening now, when I have had my mind made up for all this time?*

    Kagatsu stared into the darkness for several more minutes before
drifting off to sleep. As
he slept, he began to dream...

    Kagatsu stood on a rocky path leading into the mountains. The scene
was vaguely
familiar to him, 

him;

it was along the low mountain range that formed part of
the border between
Sairo and Konan.

    *Now what's going on?* Kagatsu thought, not fully sure if it was a
dream, or actually
real.
    He walked around, and eventually came to a part of the path where a
snow-white tiger
was snarled in a high net within a sturdy tree. Curious, Kagatsu
examined the net closely, then
cut it down, freeing the tiger. The tiger looked at him curiously, then
leapt forward 

forward,

taking a
swipe at Kagatsu's right shoulder as it passed.

    At the same instant, Kagatsu shot up from rest, finding himself
covered lightly in an icy
cold sweat. As he became more aware, 

How about:

As he became fully awake,


Or if you really want to get cheezy (^_^):

As slumber lost its hold on him,

a warm, vitalizing feeling
permeated through his body

permeated his body


>from the shoulder the tiger had scratched.

    *Why is this happening to me?* Kagatsu thought, calming himself
down. *This is the
fourth dream I've had with the same white tiger, but this one seemed
different. Something...
something gives me the feeling that I need to go there. If I don't

If I don't,

something might happen, but...

happen; maybe

maybe this is the time I trade my life for someone more worthy of
theirs.... I promised Eki I
wouldn't do anything stupid though, so I need to come back... alive.
Perhaps I can find answers
to my questions there.*

    Kagatsu slipped out of bed, packed some equipment and supplies,
then quietly walked
out into the moonlit night heading southeast towards Konan.

*****************************************************

    Akiya's eyes fluttered open as consciousness slowly returned to
her. She lay in a bed

bed,

looking up at a wooden ceiling. As she became more aware, she looked
around the room

room,

noticing her blazer neatly folded on a chair near the bed. After a few
minutes passed, a man
entered the room carrying a bowl and a cloth. The man was fairly short,
shorter than Akiya, with
a long black beard just beginning to turn grey. He smiled, seeing Akiya
awake, and set the bowl
aside.
    "I see you are awake." 

awake,"

the man said reverently. "How do you feel?"

    "I... I feel fine." 

fine,"

Akiya answered shyly.

    "Good, good." 

good,"

the man said. "Now, allow me to introduce myself. I
am called Machi."

    "Nice to meet you. My name's Akiya. But... how did I get here?
Where am I?!" Akiya's
    voice became rigid as she felt herself become scared of her very
different setting.

How about:

Akiya's voice became rigid with fear as she noticed 
just how different her surroundings were from what she 
was accustomed to.

    "You are in the village of Kiyotsu, along the road between Sairo
and Konan. I found you
lying beside the road while returning from a trip to Sairo Country. You
didn't respond when I
tried to wake you, so I took you back here, and have been taking care of
you since."

you ever since."

    *K...Konan...? Sairo...? I... I've never even heard of them.* Akiya
thought 

them,* Akiya thought,

fear beginning
to spread throughout her. *I... I remember I was in the library... then
I read that book... and the
tiger came out of the book.... C...could I... could that tiger... have
brought me... into the book? Is
that where I am?*

I'd get rid of a few of those ellipses.

    "Are you alright?" Machi asked with a gentle, yet, concerned voice.

How about:

Machi asked, his voice gentle, yet concerned.

"Did I say something
to upset you?"

    "No... I'm... I'm alright. Do... do you know how long I was out
for?"

    "I've been treating you for four days." 

days,"

Machi said slowly. "But...
you could have been
out longer, I don't know."

    "Four.... Days?" Akiya answered, completely dazed from the
unexpected answer.

    *The story will become real...* Akiya thought 

real...,* Akiya thought,

remembering what she
read. 

what she had read.

*This... this
can't be real, but... it can't be a dream either.*

    "Can I get you anything." 

anything,"

Machi interrupted. "You haven't eaten
anything in several
days, 

days;

I would imagine you are hungry."

    As if it were on a belated cue, 

How about:

As if on cue,

Akiya's stomach growled loudly.

    "Uh... if it wouldn't be too much trouble." Akiya said 

trouble," Akiya said,

blushing
profusely with
embarrassment.

    "It will be my pleasure. I don't have many guests nowadays." 

nowadays,"

Machi
said warmly, then
quickly walked out of the room.

    Akiya got out of the bed, stretched, then walked around 

around,

trying to
get her body used to
moving around again. 

Since you just used "around" a few words ago, I'd drop 
the one at the end of this sentence.

She left the room and walked down a narrow corridor
which opened to a
common area with a small table and fireplace. In the back area of the
room was a long table
where Machi was preparing the food for the meal.

    "Is there anything I can do to help?" Akiya asked politely. "I
don't want to be any more
of a burden on you."

    "It's fine, It's fine." 

"It's fine, it's fine,"

Machi said. "If you'd like to do something,
though, you can cut
these, and I'll get the other ingredients prepared."

    "Alright." 

"Alright,"

Akiya said happily.

    After preparations were made, and the food was ready, the two sat
down and began their
meal.

    "So... where are you from?" Machi asked curiously. "I've never seen
garments of the
kind you wear before."

    "Um... I'm ah..." Akiya stammered 

I'm, ah...," Akiya stammered,

trying to think quickly of
something to tell him.

    "From another world?" Machi asked seriously.

    "I... think so." Akiya said gravely. "But... how did you...?"

    "I have a friend who lives in Eiyo, the capital of Konan. He told
me of Suzaku no Miko
who was dressed in strange clothing, having come from another world. His
descriptions are
similar to that which you wore."

    "Suzaku no Miko?"

    "Suzaku no Miko is one of the four priestesses from this land. The
priestesses are said to
come from another world somewhere by the legend, 

How about: 

Legends say that the priestesses come from another 
world,

but I do not know much
more. Perhaps
tomorrow I shall take you to Eiyo, and you can talk to the Emperor or
the Miko, and they can

I'd start a new sentence:

or the Miko.  They can

guide you to where you are needed." 

needed,"

Machi said helpfully.

    "Really...?" Akiya said in a tone that showed both surprise and
happiness. "I... I don't
know how I could ever thank you."

    "Ah, think nothing of it. Your company means more to a lonely old
man than any thanks.
I have felt much more alive taking care of you these past days. 

How about:

these past few days.

For
that, I thank you."

*****************************************************

    Keisuke sat on the floor of the Important Documents Room 

Room,

staring
intently at the book in
his hands. His eyes were still wide with disbelief that Miaka had been
sucked within it and was

How about:

that Miaka had been sucked into it, and was

now a character in the strange story. 

How about:

in its strange story.

He set the book down to stretch
for a moment, then got
himself into a more comfortable position and continued to read.

    "Suzaku no Miko took immediate interest in setting off to look for
Tamahome, but
before she could set out, two guards approached her with a request from
Hotohori that she go to
the throne room. Once there, Suzaku no Miko saw a girl dressed similarly
to her 

a girl, dressed similarly to her,

kneeling before
Hotohori. The girl gave Hotohori and Suzaku no Miko a vivid account on
how she arrived to this

on how she had arrived in this

world (minus the mention of the book) and asked for assistance. 

I don't think that that little note in parentheses is 
appropriate.  This is what Keisuke's reading, and there 
wouldn't be anything like that printed in the book.  
I'd just write:

how she had arrived in this world, and asked

Hotohori
told the girl that
Konan could do little to help her, as they were looking for their
seishi, but since a tiger appeared

How about:

that the people of Konan could do little to help her, 
as they were too involved in searching for the seishi 
of Suzaku.  However, since a tiger had appeared

before her, the western land of Sairo may be her best chance. Hotohori

How about:

of Sairo would be her best chance, as its divine 
protector was Byakko the white tiger.

and Suzaku no Miko
agreed to give the girl a small armed escort to see her to Sairo
Country. 

How about:

to see her safely to Sairo Country.

Before she left, the girl
thanked Hotohori and Suzaku no Miko, then promised to one day repay
their kindness."

*****************************************************


The mountains making up the range on the border of Sairo and Konan were
not the tallest mountains by far. 

not the tallest mountains in the world by far.

The deep canyons carved by once mighty
rivers, and the high winds, however, made travel there very dangerous

>from landslides 


very dangerous due to landslides

and near vertical cliffs. Upon a narrow ledge
overlooking a large portion of the western mountainside, Kagatsu sat
resting for a short time. He had been wandering through the mountains
for nearly two days now, still not finding the same spot that he had
seen in his dream. The wind swept wildly through his chestnut hair as he
stood up and prepared a grappling hook and rope to scale the rest of the
mountain.

Upon reaching the top, Kagatsu found himself on a small plateau,
granting 

on a small plateau, which granted him a near panoramic 
view

a near panoramic view of the surrounding area, minus an area
obscured by other nearby mountains.  He scanned the area closely, and

You've been using the word "area" a lot.  I'd get rid of one or two of them. 

eventually saw the place he was searching for: a small area where a
large grove of trees came near the main road leading into the mountains.
As Kagatsu began descending down the mountainside, 

began descending the mountain's side,

a small group of
travelers caught his attention. He stopped on a ledge and took a moment
to observe them. The group consisted of five individuals on horseback,

on horseback;

four soldiers wearing armor with the colors and crest of Konan, the
other a girl wearing clothing Kagatsu hadn't seen before.

*I wonder why those guards are bringing that girl to Sairo.* Kagatsu
thought 

Sairo,* Kagatsu thought,

still watching the group intently.

As his gaze returned to the girl, a strange ghostly image of a white
tiger materialized around her. Kagatsu jumped back from surprise, almost
enough to cause him to loose 

lose

his balance and tumble down the rest of the
mountain. Once he regained his composure, he rubbed his eyes gently, and
looked upon the group again, this 

again.  This

time the tiger did not appear.

*That was odd...* 

odd...,*

Kagatsu thought, his mind beginning to recall the
dream he had several nights previous. 

the dream he had had several nights before.

*It was probably just my
imagination, but still there's something... different about that girl,
other than her clothes....*

Kagatsu casually followed the group's path down the main road, and
noticed a good sized group of bandits previously hidden by a cluster of
rocks. The bandits seemed to be watching the group, especially the girl

girl,

with keen interest, Kagatsu 

interest.  Kagatsu

then continued down the mountain.

As the group approached the bandits' location, the girl's horse tripped

tripped,

causing her to be thrown forward. When she landed, a large net rose
upwards 

upwards,

leaving her suspended within it. The guards rushed around the
net to protect it, and the bandits jumped from their hiding spots and
converged upon the net.

"Well, well, look what we have here." 

here,"

the leader of the bandit group
said 

said,

stepping out of the ranks. "A mighty fine catch, wouldn't you say?"

The other bandits roared in approval 

approval,

causing the guards' horses to
stutter-step nervously.

"But it appears that we have a small problem in claiming our prize."

prize,"

the leader said defiantly, riling up his men. "These Konan guards, don't

Konan guards don't

seem to want us to get what is now ours. Should we just walk away?"

The bandits roared loudly in disapproval 

disapproval,

raising their swords high into
the air.

"Alright then men, 

"Alright then, men,

let's get the girl. If the guards stay in the way...
kill them!"

"I'm sorry, but I'm not going to let you do that." 

that,"

Kagatsu said
defiantly, walking from the mountain pass.

"And just who do you think you are?" the bandit leader sneered, trying
to look intimidating.

"That is not important. What is important, is that I will not let you
harm that girl while I am still breathing."

"Then I hope that you are ready to die!"

"I've been ready since I was five, but today... today is not going to
be a day that I visit my grave."

Hopefully, you only visit your grave once... so I'd 
write:

is not going to be the day that I visit my grave."

"Hmph! We'll see about that." 

that,"

the leader snapped harshly. "You, over
there. Take care of our guest. The rest of you, follow me."

A group of six men left the main group and walked, swords drawn 

drawn,

toward

towards

Kagatsu. Kagatsu calmly drew his long, thin katanas 

katanas,

placing them at a
ready position.

"Six versus one." 

one,"

Kagatsu said, his voice calm and even.

"The boss must have been feeling generous. Any one of us could take a
wimp like you out easily." 

easily,"

one of the bandits jeered.

"Well then." Kagatsu said 

then," Kagatsu said,

thrusting his swords into the ground, just
enough so they stood up. "Let's see what you're made of."

The six bandits began their assault on Kagatsu with a sword drawn
charge straight at him. 

with a charge straight at him, swords drawn.

Kagatsu reached into a small pouch and produced
three throwing stars from it. With a quick
flick of his wrist, he sent each of them flying towards their target.
The first star buried itself deep into one of the oncoming bandit's neck

into the neck of one of the oncoming bandits,

killing him instantly. Another bandit collapsed to the ground as the
second star struck into his knee, 

struck his knee,

weakening the leg. The third star
drove itself into a third bandit's chest, slowing him down from the
pain.

Kagatsu picked up his swords and stood ready as the bandits came
closer. Just as the bandits were about to bear down upon him, Kagatsu
slowly faded out of sight. The bandits stopped eyes wide with surprise
at his disappearance.

I'd get rid of one of the "bandits" otherwise there's 
too much repetition.

"He's... gone?" One 

gone?" one

of the bandits said, dumbfounded.

"He's got to be around here somewhere." another sneered 

somewhere," another sneered,

looking around.

Two silvery arcs shone brightly as the sliced into the back of the
bandit 

bandit,

killing him. Kagatsu faded into sight as the body dropped to the
ground. The remaining bandits sprang into action. Kagatsu neatly parried
the sword of one the bandits and thrust his second sword deep into the
bandit's chest 

chest,

And, in order to cut down on the number of "bandit"s in 
this paragraph, I'd write:

and thrust his second sword deep into his attacker's 
chest,

slaying him. He then whirled around to meet the other
bandit rushing behind him. The bandit's blade met both of Kagatsu's and
the two held for several moments before breaking. The bandit lunged
forward 

forward,

aiming his sword to 

aiming his sword at

Kagatsu's chest, but Kagatsu moved out of
the way and dug his sword into the bandits back.

into the bandit's back.

"You've never fought someone with two blades before, I see." 

see,"

Kagatsu
said grimly to the remaining two bandits. "If you two wish to remain
living, I would suggest running away."

Kagatsu walked slowly passed 

past

the two injured bandits, both bleeding
freely from their wounds. Assured that they were not going to
immediately attack him, Kagatsu rushed off to aid the guards.

*****************************************************

The guards steadied their horses who stamped about nervously as the
bandits fought with the mounted guards. 

The guards steadied their horses, which were stamping about nervously as the bandits attacked.

By charging into the group of
bandits, the guards had killed off nearly a third of their assailants,
having a significant advantage with their horses. As one guard charged
into the swarm of bandits, one bandit thrusted 

thrust

his sword into the
horse's chest. The horse reared upon its hindquarters 

reared up onto its hindquarters,

throwing the guard
off, then toppled down upon the guard killing him, and the bandit who
stabbed the horse. 

throwing the guard off.  Then, it toppled down onto its 
former rider, killing both him and the bandit who'd 
stabbed it.

The remaining three guards regrouped to try another
strategy to confront the many bandits that remained.

As the guards prepared for another attack, a star dug itself into the
back of one bandit. Two more followed 

followed,

hitting their targets. While the
bandits stood dazed by the sudden attack and pain, the guards killed
them easily.

"What's going on?!" the bandit leader growled angrily 

angrily,

looking for the
source of the stars.

"Remember me?" Kagatsu said from behind the horde of bandits

bandits.

"It seems I have underestimated you." The 

you," the

bandit leader growled. "Be
warned; it will not
happen again."

"We'll see about that." 

that,"

Kagatsu said as he charged into the horde.

Soon after Kagatsu joined the battle, several throwing stars shot out
of the bushes. A couple of them drove themselves into one of the guards,
catching him by surprise, while a third caught his neck, killing him.

How about:

while a third sliced open his neck,

Several more embedded themselves into Kagatsu's arm, while even more
missed their targets. Kagatsu looked for the source of the attack, and
in reply, 6 ninjas jumped out from the bushes.

After swearing repeatedly under his breath, Kagatsu took three stars

>from his pouch and threw them quickly to the net 


and threw them quickly towards the net

holding the girl. The
first two missed, while the third one severed the rope holding the net
up causing the girl, and the net to come crashing down to the ground.

holding the net up.  Both the girl and the net came 
crashing down to the ground.

    "Hey! That hurt, you know!" Akiya said

said.

    "Take the girl and get out of here!" Kagatsu yelled to the guards.

    A guard went over and helped Akiya onto his horse.

    "But, What 

"But what

about you?!" Akiya said in an annoyed, but 

in an annoyed, yet still concerned, tone of voice.

concerned
tone.

    "I'll catch up with you later. Go now!"

    The guards fought their way through the bandits 

bandits,

then quickly rode
up the pass.

    "Do you really think you can possibly take on all of us by
yourself?" The 

yourself?" the

bandit leader sneered boisterously. "Such foolishness
will cost you your life."

"My life? My life is worth nothing. If my life is to be given up so
another needs to live 

If my life is to be given up so another can live,

then it shall be so granted." 

granted,"

Kagatsu said, his
voice grim and calm. "Death follows me around 

around,

waiting for me, but today
it shall not claim me. For I have a promise I must keep. The question
is, are you prepared to die?"

"I don't need to be prepared to die, it 

die.  It
or
die; it

is you who will see your grave,
despite your promise." 

promise,"

the bandit leader said coldly. "Its 

It's

time to die,
my friend"

friend."

For a moment 

moment,

no one made a move. As Kagatsu began to concentrate, a
warm rush of energy permeated through his entire body. 

of energy permeated his entire body.

Finally, the
bandits and ninjas made their move and rushed in to deliver the fatal
blows.

"Hasukii Suyaa!" Kagatsu called as he swiped both blades through the
air.

***************************************************

The guard's horses neighed loudly and reared up as loud blasts sounded

>from behind them. The guards stopped and turned their horses around


around,

trying to settle them down. Flashes of white light 

light,

followed closely by
more blasts 

blasts,

continued for several minutes before everything became quiet
once more.

"Go back!" a concerned Akiya told the guards.

"But, the emperor said..." 

said...,"

a guard protested.

"I don't care!" Akiya said in a combination of annoyance, fear, and
concern. "If you don't take me back there, I'll just get off and walk!"

Seeing that they could not get anywhere with her, the guards urged
their horses back to where they left Kagatsu. 

to where they had left

When they arrived, they
saw the bodies of their attackers strewn about the ground. Sitting on
the ground not far from the net where Akiya was held, Kagatsu carefully
bandaged his wounds so he could travel.

not far from the net where Akiya had been held was 
Kagatsu, carefully bandaging his wounds

"Last time I checked." Kagatsu said plainly. 

checked," Kagatsu said plainly,

"Taisei was the other
way."

"We were going." 

going,"

one of the guards protested.

"I made them come back, because I was not going to let someone I don't
even know throw his life away!" Akiya said angrily.

"I'm not dead, am I?" Kagatsu replied dryly.

"That's not the point!"

"I didn't die, so there really is no reason to argue, now is there?
Even if I was dead, I don't think my spirit will hang around 

my spirit would hang around

for a
lengthy conversation."

"I... I guess you're right." Akiya said calming down, 

right," Akiya said, calming down and

feeling a little
sheepish.

"There now, you see?" Kagatsu said with more merriment to his tone.

merriment in his tone.
or
merriment in his voice.

"Doesn't that feel better?"

"Yeah... but... um...."

"Kagatsu."

"Huh?" Akiya asked 

asked,

bewildered.

"I thought you might be looking for something else to call me besides
hey you.' 

besides 'hey you.'

My name is Kagatsu."

"Oh." 

"Oh,"

Akiya said happily. "I'm Akiya."

"So, what brings you to Sairo?"

"The Emperor of Konan and Suzaku no Miko told me that the people here
could help me find a way to get back to my world....." 

world...."

Akiya stopped
short 

short,

realizing Kagatsu would probably not believe her to be from
another world.

*Her world?* Kagatsu thought in amazement. *If she's not from this
world then... she would have to... be... Byakko no Miko? But... how? Why
after ninety years 

Why, after ninety years,

does she return? But... it makes sense... everything
that's been happening...*

"You're looking for the Seishi, then." 

then,"

Kagatsu said calmly.

"Yes, but how did you...?"

"Let's just say I know where you need to go,  

go.

I'll see you there
safely."

"Thank you." Akiya said

you," Akiya said.

"Its 

"It's

my pleasure."

Kagatsu looked around and eventually came across one of the horses that
ran off 

one of the horses that had ran off

during the battle. He mounted it and he, Akiya and the two Konan
guards rode up the mountain pass 

pass,

heading to the vast desert beyond where

beyond which

they would reach Taisei and the Temple of Byakko.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like the revised draft much better than the original. 
The characters have much more life in them, and are 
better described.  Good job, and keep writing!

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
Gravity isn't my fault.  I voted for Velcro.


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