On Tue, 16 Mar 1999, Maddocks wrote:
Pretty much all characters are owned by Atlus intertainment.
^Pretty much^ sounds awkward in a disclaimer. You might want to either
identify which characters are owned by this company or which aren't.
Does the company really spell its name oddly or should it be ^Atlas
Entertainment^? You didn't identify the series anywhere as far as I
can tell.
Part 1. The powers
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Separations like this shouldn't be more than one line (about 70-75
characters). It would probably look better with just a few characters
(either at the left margin or centered).
Guido looked out of his apartment. The city lay before him, the city
that should be his. But he was stopped by those meddling kids about a
year ago. The lights shone out from the city like fireflies. He then
turned his attention to his room. There was nothing much there besides a
couch, a T.V. But there was one thing that he was interested in, the
^^^^^^^^^^^^
^couch and a T.V.^
women sitting on the couch, Lilith. She was mostly covered in the
^^^^^
Should be ^woman^ most likely
shadows but her white hair stood out. And the eyes, glowing blood red in
the dark. She sipped something from a golden goblet and looked at him.
She smiled showing a fang, not human no, better then human. He had
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
^She smiled, showing a fang^ or ^Her smile showed a fang^. Also you
should probably end the sentence at that point and continue with
something like ^Not human, no, she was better than human.^
talked to demon's before, mastered them before, but now he was nothing.
^^^^^^^
^demons^
A bozo in a crappy apartment. But it was time for his revenge.
Lilith looked into her goblet and smiled harder. She drank the rest
of the liquid. "Do you want it?" The goblet in her hand vanished.
Blank lines between paragraphs would make it easier to read.
Guido smiled as well. "The full power of persona, and control over
the demons for?"
Lilith held out her hand, palm to the ceiling. In her hand a piece
of paper appeared. It was rolled up and sealed with a pentagram on a wax
seal. "Philemon's head on a silver platter. For the ultimate power of
Persona and control over the demon's. The full bargain." She held out
^^^^^^^
^demons^
her left hand this time and a piece of open paper appeared in it. "Now
just sign here."
Guido went over and pulled a pen from his pocket. He picked up the
paper, not bothering to read it. He sgned his name on the space
^^^^^
^signed^
provided. He handed the paper to her and put the pen back in his pocket.
Lilith laughed a demonic laugh. "So be it as our agreement says
Guido. Here take this."
She produced from her pocket a card. "This is the persona card Pandora.
Use it for it creates the power of eternity." She handed him the card
and he looked very content She then stood up and her demon wings were
^
outstretched. Blue fire swirled around her and she vanished.
The beginning of this paragraph wasn't indented and you missed a period.
Guido smiled. "You think I am a puppet. But I am a puppeter and I
^^^^^^^^
^puppeteer^
shall not dance for you. But I will play along for a while." He then
laughed. And laughed. And laughed. Vengence upon the children.
^^^^^^^^
^Vengeance^
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Lots of periods again...
Im sory for any problems in the fic. It's my first. I hope you enjoy it.
Maybe if the series was identified it would make some sense.
(Pi begins to imagine a Samurai Pizza Cat and Neon Genesis Evangelion
crossover and gives himself a headache.)
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Josh Green, aka Pi -- SORT@BUCKET.UALR.EDU
http://bucket.ualr.edu/~sort/fanfic/
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