Hello!  Here's the rest of the c&c.

	"Absolutely not!" Buffy told her Watcher. "There's no way I'm going to 
be saddled with a bunch of foreign exchange students for a whole week!"
	"Not exchange students, Buffy," sighed Giles miserably. "They're the 
family of a businesswoman the Watchers must deal with in order to-"
	"I don't care who they are!" Buffy retaliated. "I mean, didn't you ever 
once consider that we--" she indicated herself and the Slayerettes-- 

I know it's useful as a term which describes the rest 
of Buffy's gang... but it's still disconcerting to hear 
them described this way.  (If this is the "official" 
term for them, though, just ignore me on this one)

[snip

	"Security," interjected Faith, the new Slayer.

Whoa!  Where did she come from?  She wasn't introduced 
in the earlier scene; I had no idea she was already 
present.  

[snip]

	After Nabiki's surprise revelation that she wanted him to accompany her 
to America on a week-long trip, the emotions of the Tendo and Saotome 
families--only barely controlled under the best of times--exploded 
violently. Soun's thinly veiled threats quickly gave way to Genma's 
sycophantic toadying and fatherly bullying, followed hard upon by 
Akane's wrath, a much simpler, if much more dangerous, emotion. Ignoring 
them as much as he could, he doused himself with hot water, returning 
him to male form, 

I'd write: 

he doused himself with hot water, returning to male form,

[snip]

	"Saotome," said the middle-aged martial artist, "I place the 
responsibility for my daughters' safety into your hands." Nabiki had 
expected that, just as she expected what the indefatigable Genma Saotome 
would do: he started for a second, leery of being given responsibility 
for anything, then realized that he had just been given the opportunity 
for a free vacation; he tensed, thinking he would have to do actual 
work, then his eyes lit up with an idea. Nabiki smiled slightly; Mr. 
Saotome's cunning and selfish mind would make him a threat to her 
interests if he weren't so focused on instant gratification. That and he 
was lazy.

I'd write: 

That, and the fact that he was lazy.

[snip]

	Ranma shivered slightly, thinking about the havoc that his other 
fiancees had wreaked over the past two years in their maniacal attempts 
to split up Akane and himself. Not that they were a couple or anything. 
Sometimes, it wasn't too bad. After all, Shampoo, the blue-haired Amazon 
who had lost to him in a duel and had to marry him thanks to tribal law, 
gave him free meals at her restaurant, the Nekohanten, or "Cat-Cafe". 
Ukyo, his best friend since childhood and affectionately known to him as 
Ucchan, did the same thing at her place, Ucchan's Okonomiyaki; and she 
made the best Japanese pizza in the entire world. He still had trouble 
thinking about her as a "fiancee"; they were just good friends--only his 
idiot father's promise to marry them when they were both five made her 
status shaky.

Hmmm... perhaps a little too much reliance on 
well-established fanfic cliches?  We've seen Akane's 
mallet, Nabiki as high-stakes businesswoman, and Ukyou 
as Ranma's best friend.  Aside from the 
Nabiki-as-businesswoman one, I'd do away with the 
others, since they're not really necessary for this 
fic.

	Ryoga Hibiki, the nigh-invulnerable Lost Boy; Mousse, the Chinese 
master of dark magic; Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, 
and quite possibly the best swordsman in Japan. These foes and more were 
arrayed against Ranma, usually by themselves but sometimes in alliances. 
It often seemed to Ranma that his enemies' numbers increased almost 
weekly. So far, he had taken everything they had to throw at him and 
withstood it (and considering Mousse's ability to instantly summon any 
weapon, they could throw a *lot*). He had always won against them, 
always, but Ranma was tiring after two years of constant in-fighting.

Mousse?  Dark magic?  Summoning weapons?  @_@ I thought 
he just hid them in his robes.  He's a master of hidden 
weaponry, not dark magic, AFAIK.

Well, that's all I have to say for now ^_^  Things 
certainly seem to be shaping up for a mighty 
interesting romp, especially considering this cast of 
characters ^_^;;

Megan Jones                   bwerith@mac-addict.com
http://www.geocities.com/SoHo/Museum/4728/index.html
This sig on strike.


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