-----Original Message-----
From: Jeanette <arkangel@eisa.net.au>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: Sunday, March 07, 1999 11:06 AM
Subject: [FFML][Ranma][Darkisk]Together Forever Forever Apart?
"What have you done to my little girl!" The Demon-headed Soun bawled
as
Ranma worked frantically on Akane's still form.
I don't think you need to capitalize demon.
Suddenly a cane came down with a massive thump, jarring her chest.
"Come
on heart, pump!" Cologne said as she 'pushed' the distraught boy aside.
Ranma collapsed into a still heap, sleeping. "Oops, son-in-law very
tired."
Is that last sentence Cologne? She doesn't speak broken Japanese, so
"Oops, son-in-law _is_ very tired." would be better. Or perhaps, "Oops,
son-in-law must be very tired." would be best.
Cologne quickly took over the task of breathing life back into Akane,
after
all Akane would have made a good Amazon if the circumstances were
better,
also would be good to have son-in-law owe her favour, big-time.
Moments
later, a sharp cough signalled her apparent success. "Get fire
started,
and find a cart".
also, _it_ would be good...
"Get _a_ fire started..."
"But, but, but." Blubbered the still demonic head of Soun, "she's not
moving. Useless Boy! You can't even protect your own fiance!" He
screamed
again turning to face the still-comatose Ranma. "And! You!" His head
swiveling around (and around) 360 degrees to face Ryoga. "It's almost
as
much your fault as is is Ranma's that MY LITTLE GIRL fell into that
pool,
what were you thinking of fighting like that! Last time you took her
hair,
now what have you taken?"
demonic-headed
He screamed again, turning... (comma)
as _it_ is (not as is is)
"Akane?" His hand reached out touched her once before he was
unceremoniously dragged away. In the instant his hand touched hers, a
faint silver cord appeared, tying the two together. No one noticed.
I would only expect Cologne to notice something like that anyway. She
must have been looking away. ^_^
"Ranma, the doctor's right. Akane's not going to appreciate waking up
and
finding you smelling like something she's cooked. Couldn't you have at
least had one shower between the pools and here." Nabiki commented
with a
little malice, after all she was standing next o Ranma at the moment
and he
#reeked#.
next _to_ Ranma ^_^
"Kasumi, I suggest you wait outside until we get Akane safely
installed,
after all Dr. Tofu does get a little silly around you still sis."
Nabiki
suggested calmly. "You take our #stinking heroes# home."
after all, (comma) .... silly around you still, sis." (comma)
Faced with no choice but to finally bathe Ranma found himself oddly
unsure.
He'd actually manage to avoid cold water for an entire week, an
unheard of
reprieve from his curse. But he now found himself with an unnatural
desire
to plunge under a nice cold shower, maybe if he visted Akane as
Ran-chan
she might actually react and he found himself oddly in need of a
reaction
>from Akane.
Faced witn no choice but to finally bathe, (comma)
And people give me heck because I have Ranma-chan avoid a hot bath or
shower for a few weeks? Which is more difficult? ^_^
(Just a side comment/mini rant... I have no problem with Ranma avoiding
cold water for a week. ^_^)
"Ryoga, will you go hurry Ranma up. Lunch has been served and the rate
Father and Uncle Genma are eating there will soon be nothing left."
Kasumi
called from the kitchen, momentarily forgetting the lost boys perchance
for
getting lost.
the lost boy's penchant
(apostrophe, and penchant is the word you want
Lunch has been served, (comma)
Ryoga finally found his way upstairs, walking into the hall as Akane
walked
out of her room.
------
To Be Continued���
I had to comment on this story because I liked it, and I don't think
I've seen this sort of treatment before. Sort of like Birdy the Mighty,
or (even more) like Ladyhawk, (I think that was the film's title). Not
that the two characters in Ladyhawk turned into each other, but that
they were in love but could never see each other.
I'm curious to see exactly what you're doing. Is Akane's body still
lying on a bed at Dr. Tofu's? If so, I guess we'll never see Ranma-chan
again. Ranma gets his wish to never be a girl again... and it's not
what he wanted at all! ^_^ On the other hand, if you have Akane's body
change at the same time Ranma's body changes... that would be
interesting. I mean, what's keeping it alive if there isn't a soul
inside or attached to it? Where is Akane's soul when Ranma is Ranma,
and vice versa? I'm sure you've already thought that out... ^_^
Pretty well written, especially for a "first time" author. Good work!