As before:  This is situated in a sort of nebulous idealized tenchi where
Tv, Oav, and Manga Continuities are all reasonably true.  Where this came
 from in my mind I have no idea. I don't own Tenchi Muyo, but sort of wish 
I did, after having seen the butchery propagated upon the series by Shin.


Reflections of a fallen angel

     Awake and not screaming in terror/horror/greif/desperation/despair. Then
hurling myself away from a face inches from my own.   It�s several minutes
before I calm down enough to remember that it�s only the mirror, which
Noboyuki stored in my room when the mount in the hallway failed.
     I don�t like the dreams, but I know I can�t stop them, and will probably
never be free of them.    Millions of faces and places and times come out
from some nether cache of horrors in my skull at night, places I�ve
destroyed and people I�ve murdered, seeing it again and screaming inside
while �daddy� used me like a doll on strings. 
     It happens all to often, though I don�t show it.  I�ll wake up from a
nightmare in the night, paralyzed with terror and holding back screams with a
thousands year old reflex.   If I screamed, he would punish me more for not
being in control of myself, so I learned early on never to scream, no mater
how much the nightmares I had terrified or horrified me.
     So tonight I wake up and don�t scream and find myself staring into a
mirror and repeating �It�s only my reflection� endlessly to myself, trying
to calm my racing heart.
     Only my reflection.    It�s almost enough to make me sick, the irony
of that reassurance to myself.
     If I were anyone else who�d heard of me, I�d probably be terrified of
that reflection, because that would be she�d be close to me  the Demon.   The
destroyer.  The murderer-genocide.
     The doll.
     I�ve seen my own face smile as I cut down hundreds of men at a time on
dozens of worlds�.and seen it on wanted posters across the face of the
known galaxy�
    I�m amazed, really, that it doesn�t bother me anymore.   I can separate
�me� from �her� who was only a tool for �Him�  him being Kagato�Shimata.   
I won�t think about him anymore.
     It wasn�t all the time, of course.   Eventually even he had to actually
experiment on the devices he�d stolen, and he would take away my gems and

leave me to my own devices for a while.
    And I�d live like a rat, bearly able to defend myself against the
survivors of the worlds I�d attacked, fleeing from place to place and
living by piracy�
    I bearly remember it.   There�s so much I don�t remember.    It�s like
a big hole (or a collection of big holes) in my mind, where I can�t remember�.
    His doing again.   When he�d take me back, he wouldn�t want me to be
anything other than his puppet.    Couldn�t let his weapon develop a will
of it�s own, after all.   Oh no, definitely not that, and definitely not a 
conscience�
    Dammit!  I don�t want to think about him!
    Reflections.   I�ll think about reflections.
    What is a reflection, anyway?   Just patterns of deflected light?
    A metaphor for what is actually there?
    If so it�s a pretty lousy metaphor.   Probably be better if you broke the
mirror.    I�m just pieces of me now�broken down and smashed to bits.
Even if my body is unmarked, my mind is in bits, punched full of holes
where he didn�t want me to remember.   I�ve probably forgotten more of that
time than I remember.   I�ve probably forgotten more than I remember period!
    Washuu could probably help me remember, but I don�t want to be poked 
and prodded anymore, so I don�t admit how much I�m missing.   Lets see�
what do I have?   A few pieces of memory, at least�to match the pieces of 
me.
    There�s the piece who watched Tenchi, the piece who tried to let Yousho
kill her, the piece that was daddy�s girl (smaller now, thankfully), the
piece who ran away�
     Silly.   They�re all the same piece - can�t make a whole person out of
this.
     I don�t need to be thinking like that.   Look back at the mirror, then
lets see, what do I look like?
    I am a pretty demon, still.   If I am a demon.    I�m not so sure anymore.
    I used to feel small, and afraid and alone.   The only one I could
remember smiling at me before didn�t even like me.   Everyone else bearly
tolerated me�I used to think they�d probably kick me out if they knew how 
afraid I really was.   Or lock me up to make me pay for my crimes.  Demon's 
arn't afraid, are they?
    Not that my Ryohki would let them lock me up.   We won�t be sealed up
ever again; 
We�ve sworn it.   
    One thing that makes me glad to be alive is that Ryohki is happy now.
She doesn�t have to be the one who is always supporting me anymore.
     I don�t think Sasami would let them throw me out either.   She smiled
at me too.   So did Tenchi, eventually..   I think�he does understand how
much I love him.  He does.   I�m sure he does.   Please let him
understand....  
    Azaka and Kamidrake called me brave.   �Not even a thousand knights could
match your spirit, Ryoko.�, they said.    So why don�t I feel brave?   
    I�m afraid of loosing what I have here.   Family.   Even if it is with
Washuu, who I can�t trust, and the princess who can�t seem to find a
compassionate spark in her whole heart and Yosho who sealed me away..it�s
family.
    I don�t want to loose my family.   Not when I�ve bearly found it.
    Because of them, when I look in a mirror I see myself looking back out,
instead of �him�.
    I�d do anything to keep them from being hurt.
    Anything.

Gamlain, transuniversal courier & Hero for rent Gamlain@airmail.net
Of course, my homepage is at
Http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/8762/index.html
"Venus Love Me Chainsaw Masacre"