'lo
This is a FY fanfic. There aren't any spoilers, but you will not
understand unless you've seen at least up to ep. 28.
c&c please at this addy: confuzcius@yahoo.com . Be harsh. And I'm
looking for proofreaders, if anyone is interested. Danke. ^_^ And
venk, I'm finally posting. See? You'd be proud.
Title subject to change.
Haze
____
I'm caught in a nasty predicament.
Sure, the afterlife is good for a few laughs. You can meet up with old
friends. Talk to people you haven't
seen in ages. You could even talk to people who haven't _lived_ in
ages if you really wanted to. And if you're really a voyeur, you can
watch the living.
Not something high on my list.
Some other souls I've met have asked me why I am against doing this
activity. It's the perfect opportunity to experience new things, they
argue. After all, the living cannot see the dead souls that walk
around on the same plane that they do.
I then ask them, "Would you enjoy watching someone you love waste away
because of you?"
That usually shuts them up. Some even understand.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not siphoning my brother's energy so I can
exist in the afterlife longer before being reborn, or something of the
like. That's something you only read in those silly fantasies. Most
dead souls cannot influence the living, and I am not numbered among
those that can.
Despite all this, how can I affect my living, breathing brother?
I may have died physically, yet he died mentally.
Strange, hm?
My brother began to lose his grip on her personality because I died,
living my life because he blamed
himself for my death. However, I am here to tell you he is wrong.
I think I was fated to die.
The events surrounding my death seemed out of control at first. I
mean, a horse panicked, charged through
the market, and trampled me. Which, I assure you, was not a good way
to die. Not that my brother's slow
death is any better. At least I knew whom I was when I died.
I've thought about my death. There must have been a reason why I
died. Surely the gods don't allow the
deaths of little girls without a reason. After considering that idea,
I started to watch my brother, despite my initial misgivings.
I feel drawn to him, probably because he is living his life as he
thinks I would. What makes this experience
even more disturbing is the fact that we still look very much alike.
Yes, my appearance has aged during my death. There are some small
mercies in the afterlife. I would not want
to look like a child when I've existed for 17 years.
The only thing that sets us apart in appearance is his mole under his
left eye, something I think is rather
unfair because it makes him look more feminine than me. It probably
helps him in his deception though. Being more feminine would help
people believe he is me. It's rather disconcerting. Here I am, quite
dead, and yet I see a piece of me living there in the material world.
At first I was extremely confused. The rest of my family managed to
cope with my death. Why couldn't he?
I've thought about it and have come to the conclusion that his actions
are somewhat understandable, if
somewhat deluded. He doesn't have the right to live his life as if he
was me. It's cowardly. He's denying the
fact that I died, and yet he blames himself for my death. I have
often wondered why he does so and why he
continues to deny the realities of his situation.
I cannot count the number of times I have tried to touch my brother,
tell him that I am right there by his
side. Tell him that I still love him. Beg him to remember me, yet let
me go.
I'm so tired of trying. It doesn't get me anywhere at all. Yes, it
sounds like I'm giving up, but my brother is getting ready to travel
to the capital as a prospective bride! He's going so far with this
deception, this farce, and my family allows him! And I used to think
that my oldest brother actually cared for his younger brother. I guess
not. If something doesn't wake him up very soon, we'll see if spirits
can have nervous breakdowns.
Each day, I watch him lose a piece of himself until he loses more of
that brightness that endeared him to
me. The brightness that made him my nii-sama.
It eats me up inside that he allows the grief to eat _him_ up inside.
I think I'll stop ranting now. It's just nice to talk to a sympathetic
ear after all this. It calms me when I feel like I could fly to pieces.
I really appreciate your listening.
Thank you, Blue.
______________
Blue is a character from Miome's "One Smart Nyan-nyan" and is used
with her permission. Blue's story is here:
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Dojo/5908/m_fic/
If you could not tell who was talking, let me know please. Tell me
what made it unclear and I'll be forever grateful.
confuzcius
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