Hi, this is my first fanfic. I know its rough, so c&c would be
welcome,=20
as well as flames. I know so far its nothing special, but the second=20
part will have a twist that ive never seen in any other fic ;)
Hi, I'm Razorclaw X, one of the most blunt and possibly cruel
commentors out here. Say what you like, but I'm here now.
It was a perfectly normal Sunday afternoon in Nerima. The sun was=20
shining, children were playing, and a young man was flying through
the=20
sky. Now, in any other place someone flying through the sky would be
a=20
spectacular event...but this was Nerima and this particular young
man=20
happened to be punted into lower earth orbit quite often, and the
sight=20
of his ascent no longer drew a second glance from Nerima's general=20
population. Ranma, the young man flying through the air, wasn't quite
as=20
blas=E9 about these occurrences...
The first line was downright boring. The second one was too... until
the flying man part. Explaining the flying man took the impact of the
flying man down a notch.
He really didn't do anything wrong this time. It wasn't his fault
that=20
Akane's cooking was toxic. You would think that she would realize
that=20
she was making mistakes after that instance when she summoned that
demon=20
while trying to make tuna casserole.(1) She doesn't ever even TRY
her=20
own food! So he tries to escape death by dinner and wins a trip to
the=20
stratosphere from Mr. Mallet. Can't a guy show a little self=20
preservation?!?
You might want to include this entire paragraph into a thought. And
ditch the footnote; I'm not going to take the time to go down to the end
of the page and look at it (and neither will most readers).
Ranma just sighed and watched the sky pass by. You can really sea
the=20
stars more clearly from up here(2), it was really kinda beautiful.
Ranma=20
just relaxed and enjoyed the ride. The flying part was pretty
pleasant.=20
There was a sense of freedom as you left the clutches of gravity and=20
soared with the birds. It was the landings that hurt. Ranma stirred
from=20
his reverie as he felt himself starting to fall *20 minutes, she
really=20
must have hit me hard this time, I must be on the other side of Tokyo
by=20
now. Better prepare to land. Hmm, how to avoid the most damage to
where=20
I land. At this speed I should make quite a crater, and I still
haven't=20
finished paying Nabiki for the last time.* He was going through his=20
options when he noticed a bright light come from where he would be=20
landing. *What the heck?!? Five girls fighting some sort of crystal=20
monster? That's a first. Heh, well now I have a place to land...just=20
need it to move 5 ft to the left...well that's easily solved.*
You might want to break up the paragraph into smaller chunks. This
one's clunky.
Not to mention the 'five girls fighting...' stuff seems a little off
the wall for a thought-- I'd think Ranma'd notice the monster first.
BTW, are we sure Ranma ain't on a medication?
"JUPITER THUNDERBOLT ZAP!"
The lightning bolt flew into the Youma... and continued through,=20
scorching the street behind it.=20
I won't pretend to know what this 'thunderbolt zap' is, but if youma
are still running around....
*Damn it, none of our attacks even phase this thing! Our attacks
just=20
go right through or are absorbed, and every time Usagi tries to dust
it,=20
it dodges. We need time to make a plan* "Mercury, give us some cover!"
Replace 'Usagi' with 'Sailor Moon.' Makes for consistency.
Replace 'tries' with 'tried,' and a period after 'plan.'
"Ok. MERCURY BUBL..."
'Ok' is not a word, but 'Okay' is.
"MOKO TAKABISHA"
The Youma leaped to the side, narrowly avoiding the beam of energy
that=20
hit where it had been standing. Unfortunately for it, It leaped
right=20
into Ranma's jumpkick, who at the time was moving at terminal
velocity.=20
The sailors dove for cover as razor sharp shards showered the street.
Okay, you need to know that Ranma's Moko Takabisha is not a beam
attack-- it is an actual 'ball of force' (think fireball).
"Wha... What happened" asked Usagi, slowly getting up and wiping
dust=20
off her skirt.
"He did" said Amy, pointing to Ranma, who was busy trying to get=20
crystal shards out of his black pants.
Traditionally, you don't cross the NA names with the Japanese names.
(you don't pronounce 'Ami' the same as 'Amy'). Also, while the girls are
in their transformed states, they usually refer to each other as by
their names (Sailor Moon, etc...)
"Oh... what did he do?"
"He threw some sort of energy blast then jump kicked it."
"He JUMP KICKED IT??? He shattered that thing with a KICK?!?"
"He was going over 100 miles an hour at the time."
"What?!?"
It'd help to know who was talking here.
By this time Ranma had cleaned himself off and was walking over to
the=20
girls.
"You girls ok?"
"How did you do that?" asked Raye.
Gah....?
"Aw, It was 'nothin. I'm a martial artist. We do that sort of thing
all=20
the time where im from. Well, I got to get back to Nerima, Akane=20
probably thinks I'm with Unchan or something. Uh, where am I
anyway?"=09
'Unchan?' The dialog seems too sudden for Ranma.
The scouts all face faulted
"Your in Juuban" said Amy, recovering her wits quickly. "Juuban?
Dang,=20
Akane got some good hang time this time. Well, I gotta go, see you
later=20
sometime maybe."
I hope you break this into two paragraphs. Incidentally, Sailor Moon
is based in Tokyo.
"Wait! Uh... you saved our lives, we owe you right? So how about
lunch=20
or something?" said Makoto.
I buy this like I buy Magikarp.
"What are you doing?!!" whispered Raye
"We need to know more about him."
"But we cant take him to lunch in our sailor outfits, and if we
change=20
he will know who we are."
"Hey, maybe he is on our side, we could use his help. If he is part
of=20
the negaverse, they always seem to find out our identities anyway.=20
Besides, he reminds me of someone I used to know."
Someone's being a bit naive here... please tell me who, and I'll slap
her silly. That is the dumbest logic I've ever seen (even for the
Senshi).
"You better not mean your ex-boyfriend"
Meanwhile Ranma had been thinking furiously(as odd as it may seem,
ranma=20
is smart. He just has a problem with expressing himself, perhaps
because=20
of a certain 10 year training mission.) *Dang I'm hungry. If I head
That explaination needs to be cut; we the readers don't need to know
why Ranma's thinking, or that he's smart. You can say he's smart, but
you can't tell us that.
home=20
now, I might make it home for dinner. But I would have to run full
out,=20
and Akane is supposed to cook dinner tonight too. Unchan closes
Akane cooking tonight? Why????
early=20
today and the Nekohatten is closed for repairs after the last
fiasco.=20
Mind telling us why?
But If I go with these girls, Akane will think I was flirting. Then=20
again, since I've been gone for awhile now, she probably assumes I'm=20
with Unchan or Shampoo, and once she believes something she'll mallet
me=20
if its true or not. And these guys were fighting that creature.
Maybe=20
they have some special moves I could learn=85.*
"Ok, Ill have lunch with you all."
"Just let us change, we cant go out like this"
"Wha..."=09
In a flash of special effects, the scouts return to their normal
day=20
cloths.=09
You spelled clothes wrong.
And besides, this little turn of events is a bit off the wall. The
Senshi would NEVER do something as blatently stupid as this (even if
they ARE the Sailor Senshi).
"Cool, you guys have secret identities? That must come in handy.
I've=20
tried disguises but they never seem to work out for me. You guys
could=20
teach tsubasa a thing or two. Oh, I nearly forgot, my name is Ranma,
and=20
you are....?"=09
Seems a bit open for Ranma.
The scouts introduced themselves as they walked over to the cherry
hill=20
temple.
Capitalize 'Cherry Hill Temple.'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------=
-------------------------
Luna clicked the sailor communicator off.
"Artimis, the scouts are bringing over someone they want us to
check=20
out. He destroyed the Youma they were fighting and they think he
might=20
be either from the silver millennium or the negaverse."
"The negaverse? Seems unlikely that they would save them=85but they
have=
=20
done stranger things. Ill go get prepared."
End Part one.
Okay, to be blunt: it was terrible.
If you want to write about Sailor Moon, you cannot mesh both the
Japanese and NA names; people will hunt you if you use 'Negaverse' and
'youma' together, for instance. It has to be one or the other, but since
there's a general tendancy toward the NA names, stick with that and drop
'Usagi' and 'youma' altogether.
If you want to write about Sailor Moon, you cannot make them dumber
than they already are. I mean, even stupid people know that secret
identities are meaningless unless they are a SECRET.
If you want to write about Ranma 1/2, you cannot force your opinion of
him on the reader. A lot of people think Ranma's stupid, and others may
think he's smart, but you simply can't do that. Forced opinion = death
trap for writers.
If you want to write a fanfic, give the reader a good idea who's
talking, who's saying what, and what they're doing (instead of telling
the reader that so-and-so is doing this blatently).
Nerima isn't THAT far from Tokyo (the city). And AFAIK there's no such
place as 'Juuban;' Sailor Moon takes place in Tokyo itself as far as I
can see (Tokyo Tower, for example, is in just about every other episode,
and is in definite walking distance for the girls).
Think about cleaning this up before putting out a part 2, or I'll
dispatch Tamasaburo to 'fix' it for you (j/k).
"Decepticons FOREVER!!" --Ravage, former Decepticon
"You've gotten tricker since last time. I LIKE THAT!!"--Rampage
"If you go to Z'ha'dum, you will die." --Kosh, Babylon 5
"Master! You mustn't! People are watching!!"--Cherry, Saber Marionette J
--Razorclaw X
Author: "Wheel of Fire" and "The World's Worst Ranma Fanfic!"
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