Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Ranma 1/2 Spamfic: The Gambler
From: "Andrew M. Petalik" <wolf@sbm.org>
Date: 2/1/1999, 10:13 PM
To: lugh@cats.ucsc.edu, ffml@fanfic.com

Andrew: Hmmm... C&C time
WoLF  : Should we be naughty or nice? (Shows his fangs)

Andrew: I enjoyed this fic. Let's be nice.
WoLF  : (looks slightly disappointed)... all right.

Ranma 1/2 Spamfic: The Gambler

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As always, I'm too busy to officially be a part of the comment patrol, but
I liked this fic enough to give it a good smack on the head. ^_~

	He thought back to what had started the whole mess, in Japan, as he
The word is used two paragraphs in a row. Try using the word "affair" or
"disaster" instead. Look for variety in your vocabulary or you'll bore the
readers.

hah.  He should have expected things to go to hell.

Andrew: Well duh. This is a Ranma fic after all.

with a pack of cards.  Ranma sat down heavily, and pulled out his
bottle of - what was it the shopkeeper had called it?  Yeah, whiskey,
that was it.

Ranma drinking? I don't see why not... but the kids never seem to drink,
only the adults. Guess there's a first time for everything. ^_^

	Ranma continued to reminisce.  First of all, none of his fiancees had
staid in Nerima- nor had any of his enemies.  And then there had been
 stayed

WoLF  : Does Ranma view Ryouga and his various other rivals as "enemies?"
Andrew: I don't think so. He may find them annoying... but enemies is a 
        bit strong a term for them.

the incidents with the LA street gangs... Too tired to sleep, Ranma
Andrew: L.A. street gangs... wow, Ranma's really been mixing it up.

took turns with the gambler, staring out the window at the darkness. 
In between staring, Ranma continued to gulp down the whiskey, and
think about all the hell he had gone through.  Where did he even think
he was going, with little money, barely knowing the language...

WoLF: This bit of all the hell he's gone through is a bit over-blown.
      Ryouga's the one usually going on about that. You may want to 
      consider toning it down a little. Not much, but a little.

night getting deathly quiet.  "Jeez," thought Ranma, "I go a couple
thousand miles just to find Pop again... I shoulda known better..."

Andrew: Heh.

WoLF: For the song part, I would recommend something to set the scene.
I have to assume that the gambler is not singing so something else has to
come into play. How about: 
The gambler's face lost all expression, and an unearthly, almost surreal,
calm filled the rolling train car as he spoke, "...

	The gambler's face lost all expression.  He said, "If you're going to
play the game boy, you better learn to play it right."  Ranma looked
up, curious.  

"Cause you got to know when to hold 'em,"


A wave of images assaulted Ranma's senses in conjunction to the words. 

Thoughts of Akane, in those few tender moments, ran through Ranma's
head.  Then he remembered all the times he'd messed it up by not being
able to say what he truly felt...

"Know when to fold 'em,"

Ranma thought of the times when he just wouldn't shut up, kept saying
the wrong thing and the pain it had caused him.
AND, he meekly admitted to himself, her.

"Know when to walk away,"

Fights that could have been avoided, enemies who would have been
friends, if it hadn't been for his pride...

"Know when to run."

Thoughts of Kodachi, Genma's stupid schemes, and other...
entanglements...
WoLF: Ranma DOES run from Kodachi. ^_~

"And the best you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

Ranma nodded, knowing that his life would be full of interesting
times, and maybe peace only could come with death.  For that matter,
wasn't running away like a little death?  He was just killing off part
of his past... Not dealing with it...

WoLF: and letting the dead eventually catch up to him... and one's things 
      for sure, you cannot defeat death. You can stave him/her off... but 
      you never truly beat him/her.

	So when the gambler finished speaking, he turned back towards the
window, crushed out his cigarette, and faded off to sleep.  As Ranma
thought of holding and folding- of saying what he meant, what he felt,
and shutting up when it was necessary, for once keeping a lock on his
mouth-  well, somewhere in the darkness, the Gambler he broke even,
and in his final words Ranma found an ace that he could keep.

Very nice turn of phrase. I wish I could write like this.


Ranma quietly said, "I missed you Akane."
Akane looked shocked.  "I... I missed you to, you dummy!  Why'd you
have to run off like that?"
Ranma was about to spit out a biting retort, and he remembered again.

"Know when to fold 'em"

Instead, he said, "I'm sorry.  I just had to think."  Then he kissed
her.  Akane was too shocked to say anything, but then Ryouga showed

Ranma kissing her so soon after his revelation is a bit abrupt. End 
this set with him saying he needed to think.

up, screaming his "DIE RANMA!" perhaps a bit more strident after that
kiss...  Ranma tensed for a fight...

"Know when to walk away."

Ranma stopped.  Ryouga yelled at him to fight, to be a man.  Ranma
just shook his head.  "Not today, Ryouga.  I ain't in the mood for
it."  Then he put his arm around Akane and turned away.  Akane, happy
This is good.

that for some reason Ranma wasn't being a jerk or picking on Ryouga,
was more than willing to leave with him.

Andrew: The "picking on Ryouga" comment is out of place and disrupts the 
        flow of the story. I'm VERY certain that Akane's mind is elsewhere.

Unfortunately, Shampoo, Ukyou, and Cologne chose that moment to show
up.

"Know when to run."

Andrew: RUN BABY RUN!!!

"You never count your money, when you're sitting at the table. 
There'll be time enough for counting when the dealing's done."

He shook his head, smiled at Akane, and kissed her again.  "Because I
love you."  And he let it go from there.  After all, there'd be plenty
of time for counting when the dealing was done...

I wouldn't have Ranma admit that here (or in this fic actually). This is
a new thing for Ranma... and he needs to explore it before he can feel 
comfortable with it. Oh... and drop the kiss.

I would have him say something like:
I've had time to think... and I want to make things better for us.
Wanna take a chance and see where it leads us?

Then have him tentatively offer her his hand, which she takes. Then the two
off them walk away as the rest of the song rises up (possible from a nearby
radio set to a country channel). 

I really liked this story. The only thing I don't think it should do is
answer all of his problems. It's too quick... but I think that by the end
of the story, Ranma and Akane should be on the right track leaving the
reader knowing that they will make it... no matter what the cards hold for
them next.

See ya

  ___________
 / Here lies:\  First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
|   Andrew    |    Machines that piss people off get murdered.
|             | 
|   I think   | 
| he's hungry | The shortest distance between two points is 
|             | under construction.            -- Noelie Alito