Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fic][Lime] Wild Horses
From: bert.miller@unisys.com
Date: 1/5/1999, 2:21 PM
To: Todd Thomas
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

Writing, grammar, and spelling are all good, and the narrative keeps me
reading, always a plus.
The rest of the comments are written as I read the story.

a better name for Ranma and Akane's daughter

Colt = koruto; pony = kouma; wild = several words, but I think "honpou" is
closest to what you want.

[The scene opens in a shabby, cramped apartment.

Ranma and Akane live elsewhere than the Tendo Dojo?  The point of their
marriage is to carry it on.

Ranma has claimed an area at one corner of the roof, overlooking Sapporo

Ranma and Akane live in Sapporo instead of Tokyo?  Different and
potentially interesting, but certainly requiring explanation.

I saw Nabiki in the window, her hands covering her face.".

This reaction to Akane's pregnancy is, at this point in the story,
completely incomprehensible.

This is going to be the most difficult thing you have
ever faced.  Your family is probably going to say a lot of things they
don't mean.  Society is going to look down on you because of your marital
status.

My understanding of Japanese ethics as they apply to Ranma and Akane is
that Akane's pregnancy is only shameful if they are still unwed when the
baby is born, not when it is conceived.  Even in the U.S. in the fifties
and early sixties, a fairly retro culture as these things go (much more so
than Japan has ever been), "society" would have been covered by some story
about a secret marriage prior to Akane getting pregnant.

After a minute the yellin', screamin', and demon-heads started up.  Soun
was absolutely livid, bawling and screaming alternately.  My pop was
furious too, but he got deadly quiet like I'd never seen him.  Mom turned
red, and you could see her aura forming.  .... Then mom grabbed the two
men,
and rushed 'em into the kitchen fer a conference. ....After a few minutes
the
parents came back, Soun in the lead. He pointed at me, and obviously
trying to control his 'demon-head chi manifestation', said "Saotome
Ranma!
You have ruined my daughter, her honor and her reputation.  You have
dishonored our family, our clan and this dojo. If I ever see your face
again, I will kill you.  This is not a challenge, this is a promise.".

and dad said with great heroics "My son has disgraced himself and our
family,
and even worse, disgraced a fine family with a glorious lineage such as
the
'Line of Tendou' has." and then he looked me right in the eye, with this
look
like I was dog-shit or something, and said "Martial artists are said to
possess the control of mind, body, and spirit.  Obviously you are no
martial
artist, and I have no son.".

My mom spoke up next sayin', "My son, I declared you a man-among-men, and
your father's promise ful-filled but this..." she pointed at Akane and
then
she wrung her hands "...such dishonor you have heaped upon us, and your
inuuzake*** and her family!  We will gather what belongings of our family
still remain here, and take them away.  We will leave no trace to remind
the
honorable Tendou family of our ill-fated presence here.  We will try and
make
what recompense we may, and try and restore our honor as we can, but you
can
no longer be my son."

"You are just as much guilty as that wretch Ranma over there.  You have
dishonored our family, and heaped much disgrace upon us.  Your mother
would be so disappointed in you.".   "Akane, you are no longer welcome in
this house.  You have one hour to gather what you may carry with you, and
leave this house forever.  I would hope that that evil wretch Ranma will
care
for you and your bastard child, and salvage what little of his honor that
remains, as I no longer will be responsible for you."  He stopped, bowed
his
head and muttered softly "I'm so sorry Kimiko I have no daughter named
Akane.".

Well, here we are at the point others have commented upon.  On the face of
it, this
is completely OOC for all three parents as well as completely unbelievable
for
any Japanese parents in the situation as given (they ARE engaged).  Even
Toshi the
bar-tender has to know this at this point; he should be wondering what kind
of line
Ranma is trying to feed him. (BTW, the spelling is "iinazuke")  I will
suspend
further comment until I'm finished with the whole story, as these events
may not be
what they appear (i.e., this may BE a line from Ranma, a bad one).


Nabiki/Kasumi characterization:  may or may not be OOC, after previous
events,
but IS effective.

The physical descriptions of Ranma and Akane, "bloated", etc, as the age of
22?
strike me as not realistic either.  Anything after 30, possibly, as that's
about
the age when people's metabolisms slow down that much.  Also, food prices
in
Japan are structured differently than in the U.S., in such as way that
low-fat
food tends to be less expensive than high-fat food.  Poor people in Japan,
as
in most of the world, are thin rather than fat.

"Why wasn't someone helping get ready for school."

At the age of four?


Okay, I finished.  With different characters, this is a fairly effective
story.  Events were/are, however, what they
appeared to be on their face, which is a big problem.  As a Ranma story,
the central event is simply so OOC
and so deviant from Japanese ethics as to be incomprehensible.  The story
as a whole seems salvageable,
however, if the nature of the central event is changed.  Anything else that
would cause all three parents to
disown Ranma and Akane would do.  This is, of course, a tall order given R
& A's role in Soun's and Genma's
mind in carrying on the school, so you need an event which eliminates the
school (in some sense) as well.

Here's my suggestion:

R & A carry on as you suggest.  A gets pregnant.  A wedding is planned, but
before being carried out, a
Dojo challenger appears.  R & A lose due to R's trying to shield A while A
insists on fighting.  Happosai
disowns R & A as members of the school due to disgrace of losing.  No Tendo
Dojo for R & A to carry on,
so nothing to keep Soun from expressing exasperation with Ranma for
<something>.  Let's see...
what if, just after the above, Ranma's curse becomes permanent (only reason
why Nodoka and Genma
would disown Ranma) AND Ranma is seen by Soun as responsible for Akane's
receiving a Jusenkyo
curse (or something else bad; pregnancy doesn't count).  Such a
concatenation of events is approximately
what would be required to achieve the outcome your story needs.