Subject: [FFML][FANFIC][R1/2] Shadows of Despair and Hope
From: AlphSailor@aol.com
Date: 12/28/1998, 2:16 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com


A Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Shadows of Despair and Hope

By Dark Alpha, formerly Sailor Alpha
<AlphSailor@aol.com>



The Voice in my head screamed for someone to place blame upon. To accuse, to
punish. Someone had to be blamed for my miserable life of despair and sadness.

There was no point of holding it back any longer. Already, the raw power I had
harnessed was threatening to burst forth from me unless I released it. Nearby,
small debris rose, floating midair, due to the positive electrical attraction
to my negative energy. I HAD to release it...

"Shi..."

But why should I? I had lost everything. My dignity, my manhood, my revenge,
my pride, my love, and finally my honor. All I had left was the Art. Which was
essentially worth nothing. I had nothing left to live for. Releasing my
depression prematurely would only prolong my miserable excuse for life.

My life already had been miserable before I even met Ranma. My accursed
inability to follow directions or find places, which others had joked as
"Hibiki Curse," gnawed away at my sanity. I had inherited the curse from my
parents who had the same problem, and because of this, I rarely ever got to
meet my parents or reached my home.

And I had nobody to blame, so the Voice screamed on.

Then Ranma appeared. He was the one who took everything I had. First it was my
dignity, when he stole bread from me in the "bread-feud" and humiliated me in
front of everybody. Once I could tolerate, but not repeated attempts. I became
furious and challenged him to a duel.

Bah, he was a coward! Ranma ran out on our duel, after waiting three days past
the set date of the duel. Because of my curse, I had walked all over fourth
day, that the lot was deserted and that Ranma had fled. 

The Voice screamed Ranma to be blamed upon, so I pursed Ranma all the way to
China, and eventually Jusenkyo. There, I lost my manhood when Ranma, after
being cursed with a girl's body, knocked me into a cursed pool. When I rose
out of the water, I was no longer a human but a beast. A pig's body! The name
'P-Chan' my beloved Akane had given to my cursed form only aggravated my loss.
The fact that hot water easily restored my manhood was only a temporary
respite since cold water easily undid the cure. Within few days I had
developed a phobia of water.

Revenge was the next thing Ranma took away from me, and trivialized it. I
couldn't believe the gall the boy had to call me a 'friend,' not after what he
had done to me. I wouldn't even call him that. An ally, perhaps but not a
friend.

After all, if he was really my friend, he wouldn't have taken Akane away from
me. My first and most likely last love- he took her away from me. He didn't
deserve her. Ranma always insulted her and made fun of her. Yet Akane loved
him- there was no doubt about that. How?! How could have Akane fallen in love
with that selfish, arrogant bastard?! And Ranma even flaunted it at me,
grinning all the time!

Next thing to go was my pride, as Ranma's continued bickering and teasing wore
away at me, the way he called me "P-Chan," his voice full of mocking and
sneering. If I was no longer a man, but half-man, half-animal, then how could
I be a whole being? Because of my nature as P-Chan, rejected my love and my
friendship. When I had realized what I had truly done, impersonating as
Akane's pet and intruding on her privacy, I had no honor. I had abused Ranma's
honor to keep my curse hidden from even Akane.

Only thing I had left was the Art, which was now worth nothing to me. I had
been so obsessed in my pursuit of Ranma that I had forgotten why I had learned
Arts in the first place. I had wanted to humiliate him, to have him begging
and groveling for mercy that Ranma did not deserve.

But Ranma had always managed to outsmart me and snatched victory from a
certain defeat by my hands. Every time I came up with a new technique to
defeat Ranma, he eventually countered them. Every time Ranma fell, he always
rose to his feet and pressed on. I always lost to him in the end. I did not
realize until too late that I was being dragged into Ranma's shadow. 

Shampoo. Cologne. Happosai. Ukyo. Herb. Ryu. Kima. Saffron. They all had rose
to challenge Ranma, to either take him down or manipulate him to their own
means. They were undeniably powerful and cunning. They should have overcome
Ranma easily, but they did not. He always came out as the victor in the end.
Each time he won, he became stronger, and pulled me deeper into his shadow
until there was no way for me to escape. 

Bakusai Tenketsu had proven effective in destroying rocks and inanimate
objects. I thought it would help me defeat Ranma at last, but it only dug a
deeper pit for me. The Shi Shi Hokodan sealed my fate.

"Shi Shi..."

Shi Shi Hokodan was a tool of destruction, fueled by feelings of despair and
sadness. Something that was never lacking inside me. It was the meaning of my
self-destruction.

The Voice in my head began screaming again to blame someone. I would have
cursed Ranma to hell if it would have made me feel better. Except that this
time, long at last, I finally had realized who had been responsible for my
misery. I hung my head in shame.

I had been blinded by my own obsession and revenge; I had destroyed any chance
of happiness I had. Despite repeated warnings, I let my life slip away until I
had nothing left. I had twisted Art to my own use, perverted it. I was worse
than Happosai. I had ignored the true meaning of it, and I paid for the folly
with my life. I had been cast into damnation by the very heavens above. I had
been doomed to a life full of misery and grief.

The Voice grew louder.

"Shi Shi Hokodan."

It was barely a whisper, but it was more than enough as raw energy erupted
upwards, immolating the imminent area around me. Energy of pure despair and
grief raged upwards, converting into chi and struggling to escape the
gravitational pull of the planet to no avail. Gathering into an enormous orb
many times the normal diameter of my usual perfect Shi Shi Hokodan, it began
to descend.

I stared at my magnificent creation and knew it had finally happened. This
time, I would not survive the impact. I did not care, because I had nothing to
live for. I dimly heard shouts of a girl, and a boy who occasionally reverted
to female form whenever water splashed him, running towards me, shouting for
me to stop.

A tear streaked across my face as I whispered sadly, "Forgive me, Ranma...
Akane."

"And... goodbye..."

I closed my eyes, excepting bright warmth to overcome my body. It came, but
not in a form I had expected, of Mokou Tabisha. I was startled as the
energized chi full of confidence blew me clear from the spot I had vacated
just moments before my Shi Shi Hokodan struck.

The Shi Shi Hokodan attack flattened and immolated nearly everything around
me, but I was surprised that I was still alive. Still alive to wallow around
in my misery and sadness. 

As I struggled to rise, the girl and boy I had heard earlier came my aid, and
pain struck my heart as I immediately recognized them. Ranma and Akane. My
greatest enemy and my first and only love who had spurned me.

I shut my eyes and shouted at them to leave me alone, to let me die. I did not
hear them talking to me, instead I heard my Voice. 'Blame Ranma. Blame Akane.
Blame them both for saving your life.' Why did Ranma have to save my life when
he could have removed the thorn from his side by allowing me to die? Oh Kami,
why can't I be spared this final humiliation, final pain.

I felt arms around my body, and I tried to break free when I realized that
Akane was trying to hug me. I tried to break free, but her arms tightened and
in my weakened condition I couldn't break free. Tears began to fall down my
face. Akane, why are you doing this? Can't you see that I don't want your
pity, your love? I don't deserve to live after what I did to you and your
lover? Your pain will end if you just left me...

"Leave me, please..." I whimpered.

Akane slapped my face. It was far more merciful than I had deserved, but it
was enough to rouse me out of my state. Their words began to make sense and it
finally dawned on me that they wanted to help me. If I would allow them.

No, I can't let them help me because I did not deserve their offer. They had
tried to guide me into the right direction, but I rebuked their every effort.
Why should they give me another chance when I had turned all of their previous
attempts? Why should I accept this one? I asked them these questions.

Ranma shook his head and grinned, but there was no malice in his smile or his
words. I heard his words, "You're my friend, Ryoga, and I wanna help you."
With that, he extended his hand towards me.

I blinked in surprise. Ranma was actually offering his friendship and help
despite what I have done to him. I had frequently threatened to kill him, and
had nearly succeeded on several occasions, yet he was willing to help me
anyway. I shook my head in confusion, trying to ignore the screaming Voice,
and glanced at Akane. Instead of hatred I had expected on her face, I saw
genuine concern and encouragement. She understood my unasked question on my
face and nodded her head.

She wanted to help me, but more importantly, she wanted me to accept Ranma's
offer.

Should I accept the hand of my sworn enemy, and his friendship? After what
I've done to him, and him to me? I didn't deserve to be Ranma's friend. No, I
was already worse than Happosai, lower than the scums that dwelled among the
darkness  of the night, the lowest living being in the existence.

But I could see Ranma's true intentions in his eyes. No, from a guy with the
worst poker face on the planet, I could see the genuine offer of friendship
and beginnings of forgiveness from him. I feel so ashamed to receive a... gift
from Ranma, but...

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to quell the Voice in my head so I could
think clearly for a moment. Ah, damn my thoughts! I decided to follow my heart
and opened my eyes to glance at my sworn enemy. I raised my arm in preparation
to strike, to push Ranma and Akane away from me...

And grasped the extended hand firmly.

Perhaps, just perhaps I have finally found my light.


---

Notes:

Due to Ryoga's nature, I sympathize with him a lot, especially with his
inability to have a normal life, due to his obsession over revenge against
Ranma and his problems having a girlfriend, as well as finding places. In a
way, I'm like him (except that I don't get lost that easily). ^_^
Even a guy like him deserve a second chance, especially since he rarely has
enjoyed his life. All that "PREPARE TO DIE, RANMA!!" motto isn't exactly a
life, you know...
May he find happiness in his life, whether it's with Akari, Akane, Ukyo, or
whoever he chooses to live with.

Ranma 1/2 and its associated characters belongs to Rumiko Takahashi, and I do
not own them. I am only writing this fanfic for fun and for readers.
December 28


Dark Alpha <AlphSailor@aol.com> formerly Sailor Alpha
Fanfics at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Bay/7233/

---

For those who were curious, here's the original ending that I had nearly
posted to FFML yesterday. At the last minute, I cancelled the post, deciding
that the ending wasn't appropriate, as well as that I wanted more upbeat
ending than a senseless one. It also felt incomplete in a way, so I revised
it.

Alternate ending:


I stared at my magnificent creation and knew it had finally happened. This
time, I would not survive the impact. I did not care, because I had nothing to
live for. I dimly heard shouts of a girl, and a boy who occasionally reverted
to female form whenever water splashed him, running towards me, shouting for
me to stop.

A tear streaked across my face as I whispered sadly, "Forgive me, Ranma...
Akane."

"And... goodbye..."

A large portion of Nermia vanished completely when the ball of raw energy
crashed into the ground, and exploded.

And mercifully, the Voice in my head was silenced.