Hello!
Merry Christmas (it's still Chrissy for me) and a happy New Year!

This attempt at <ahem> "comedy" was inspired by the idea of the Ranma 1/2
characters doing a silly radio show *like* the Goon Show. So, if you do know
the series, there aren't any of the regulars from the original series in it.
No prior knowledge of the series is needed if you don't have a clue about
it. "Goon Show 1/2" is due to the inability to find a better name for it. If
you have any ideas, let me know... :)

Whose idea? Blame a guy called PHOOsun.
Whose Ranma 1/2 characters with which we have really no permission to use?
Thank Takahashi.

The Ranma Show 1/2: Introductory Session
By Harper

Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
It's da Ranma Show 1/2!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
Dis be the only lyrics da authors know!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
We hope that you'll get a laugh!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
Or at least book for a shrink before the show!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
With the Ranma cast stuck in a small studio!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
And their egos clashing like stings from a killer bee!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
Any friendship between 'em will be pseudo!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
And there will be plenty of bursts of chi!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
The studio won't survive the special cast!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
With Nabiki as accountant!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
The money's sure not to last!
Yappa-pa-yappa-pa
And will run out before the end of this chan--
<screek!>
Urk. I hate being right. Start the show, already.

<Drums roll, but thankfully no heads!>
<Trumpets blare!>
<Violins humm!>
<Those little triangle things trang!>
<And the flutes-->

Azusa: Oooh! Little Jean, so cuuuute! Come here, Jeeean!

Flute player: Wak! Give me my instrument back!

Narrator: Welcome to the Ranma Show 1/2, where the characters of Ranma
record a radio script in
a way that <ahem> only they can.

F.X.: massive amounts of applause to out-do even american sitcoms

Narrator: How lovely and spontaneous of you all. Now, to introduce the cast.
First, we have the
King of Crossdressers, Ranma Saotome!

Ranma: Hey! I am not a crossdresser!

Narrator: Okay, let us move one... The star of the series and one of the
best martial artists of his
generation, nay, the world, he is forcefully engaged to three girls,
especially one who is really, really
uncute and built like a brick. He can easily beat up the likes of the
pig-headed Ryoga and Pantyh--

Taro: Give me that script! <pause> This particular bit here is fem-boy's
writing, not the
scriptwriter's! No wonder... <grumbles> I knew we shouldn't have hired a
young female
scriptwriter.

Narrator: I shall try to continue with the script-reading, now. If you don't
mind, Mr. Taro.

Taro:  Sure. Whatever. Just make sure you keep callin' me that.

Narrator: Y-yes.... Also introducing Ranma's first fiancee, the fiery but
cute Akane Tendo. The love
of his life though he'll never admit it...

Ukyo: Rannnmmmaa.... this better not be true!

Ranma: Ha-ha! Of course not, Ukyo. Ha-ha, don't be stupid, what a stupid
idea, totally stupid!
Hahaha....

F.X.: really big blush

Narrator: ...Though how long his life will be, considering her cooking, is
in doubt.

Akane: Excuuuse me for trying!! Who wrote that?!

Shampoo: Hmph. Akane description in last part seem right on to Shampoo. You
infamous in Nerima
catering business.

Akane: Like you'd know how to cook anything without some secret potion in
it!

Narrator:  And not forgetting, Ranma's <sigh> beautiful, brilliant Amazon
bride, the delightful
Shampoo.

Shampoo: So right, so right.

Ukyo: Bride? You? More like 'yeah right' than 'so right'.

Shampoo: Rrrrr....

F.X.: Thwack! Clang! Bam-bam!

Narrator: Moving on from the Anime Death Match currently being waged, I
shall mention quickly
Ranma's cute fiancee and okonomiyaki chef Ukyo Kuonji! Also the strong and
directionally-impaired Ryoga Hibiki!

Ryoga: That's how my whole life is summed up as being, my whole existence?
"Strong and
directionally-impaired"?!

Narrator: Suffering utterly tragic woes and tribulations for his art of
martial skills, he seeks the love of
his dear Aka-- <pause> --ri.

Ryoga: Y-yeah! That's r-right! Heh...

Akane: Is something in your eye, Ryoga? You seemed to be twitching it a lot.

Narrator: And that ends the introduction for now--

Female voice: Ahem. I think you might have forgetten someone important,
haven't you?

Narrator: Ha-ha. Y-y-yes, M-Miss Tendo, I'm so sorry, please forgive me. I
have a wife and kids
to support!

Female Voice: Just get on with introducing me and I promise I won't show
your wife and kids those
pictures.

Narrators: Pictures, Miss Tendo? <pause> Oh, my. <clears throat> And last
but definitely not least,
the sexy, brilliant, smart and witty Nabiki Tendo of the Tendo Dojo, Nerima,
Tokyo. Train with
some of the best, hunkiest and most beautiful martial artists in all of
Japan. Premium rates for summer
training. All ranges of merchandise, including revealing pictures of two of
the hottest catches, R--

Ranma & Ryoga: I think we should get on with the radio show.

Akane: Posing for pictures willfully? What could Nabiki have on you two?

Ranma: Who me? Innocent little me?

Ryoga: N-n-n-nothing Ak-ak-akane! N-n-n-n--

Ranma: How pathetic, getting worked up over a gorilla girl like Ak--

Ryoga: Watch your mouth, you half-girl!

F.X.: Crash! Bang! Pow! Wap! Nap!

Nabiki: Right, the story now, please.

Narrator: There's a story?

<End scene with a cute, poppy Doco tune.>

Tune: Yappa-pa-yappa-pa-yappa-pa....

The Goon Show 1/2:
By Harper.
Episode 1:
The first recording to last more than one minute.

Narrator: Welcome, all, to the first recording of the Goon Show 1/2. And in
this exciting
installment...

<Drum roll starts>

Narrator: ...Witness love, hate and the thin -- or non-existant -- line
between them. Oh yes, not
forgetting corruption, action, betrayal and complete confusion!

<Ba-ba-ba-bmm! Ba-ba-ba-bmm!>

Narrator: Now, we start our story in the depths of a place known only as...
Nerima. In a seemingly
normal-looking area of Tokyo, there is a dark underbelly of violence and
hate and greed. As we
venture further into the area, we can find much evidence of this. Just
listen to the sounds of this vile
town....

Pig: Bwee?

Cat: Mrrow?

Duck: Quack?

Narrator: Obviously trained professionals in cloaking their real identities.

Pig: Bwee?!

Narrator: Let us move on and meet the real horrors of Nerima...

Kuno: Pig-tailed girl, where are you?! Come hither and listen to my romantic
three-hour long
soliliquy written just for you!

Akane: Ranma! Eat these cookies, I made them all by myself!

Kodachi: Ohohohohohohoh! Ranma-sama, this *special* gift is for you!

Happosai: Hmm, now what should I name this innocent little baby?

Narrator: Brrrrr! Enough to send anyone running out of this town screaming!
Now, to hone in on one
of the conversations of the infamous lead of The Ranma Show 1/2.... Ranma
Saotome, who is
currently engaged--

Whole cast: Not again!

Narrator: --In a conversation, of course!! In conversation with the utterly
brilliant Nabiki Tendo,
while in the living room of the Tendo household in which half of the cast
just happens to be.

Nabiki: What, Ranma? I owe *you* money? <pause> I don't think so.

Ranma: Look, Nabiki, you promised me back the five yen I gave you when you
pretended to dry
me of money in front of my class to scare them and make them cough up the
money they owed you.
<phew!> That was one long sentence.

Nabiki: 'Pretended' to dry you of money, Ranma? <snicker>

Ranma: Hey, I paid up all my debts to you with those high school calendar
phot--drawings I drew...

Nabiki: Oh, alright. <pause> Oh, my, I don't seem to have any money in my
purse at the moment.
Would a picture of a five yen note do?

Ranma: Sure. <pause> Nabiki, give it over, it's only a picture. <long pause>
Thanks.

Nabiki: Well, I have to go to my dentist's appointment now. Bye!

Ranma: Bye and... thanks for the--hang on, Nabiki only went to the dentist
yesterday.

<Collective gasp>
<Dramatic banging of drums>

Ranma: This... this picture of a five-yen note, it's a forgery!

<Bam! Bmm! Bammmm!>

Akane: My sister gave you a forged picture? Let me see tha--hey! The
picture's escaping! Come
back here, you phoney photograph, you!

Kasumi: Oh, my, it's just ahead of Ryoga's question mark!

Ryoga: What question mark? Oh, that.

Ranma: I'll get you, you fake and I'll make Nabiki give me a *real* picture
of a five yen note! Hey,
Shampoo, catch it at your cliched phrase.

Shampoo: Wa ai ni airen! I'll do anything for you!

Ranma: Dammit, it's now five lines ahead of us! Shampoo, how could you let
it go?!

Akane: What do you expect from such a bimbo?  I'll get it. <thunk!> Oww! I
twisted my ankle on
that sound-effect!

Ranma: Hey, Akane, are you alri-- <pause> Oh no, it Shampoo! She be outside
on computer,
writing script now!

Akane: Oh no! We all doomed! But wait moment, due to dramatic learning
experience, I feel
different about Shampoo now.

Ranma: You right. Darling Ranma now find Shampoo deadly beautifully and
attractive. Ranma *love
Shampoo* lots and think violent pervert girl and crossdressing spatula girl
should go far far away!

Akane: Yes. Shampoo *so* much better fighter and *so* much better
personality than me the
violent bad cook girl. I just go lie down and never get up again *ever*.

Kodachi: Ohohohohohoh! I crazy girl strangle self with own ribbon since
realise I *no* chance
against rival like wonderful Shampoo.

Ukyo: Me feel same way since I ugly crossdresser and even *badder* cook
tha...
<off-microphone> That's it! No-one insults *my* cooking!!

FX: clang! wham! viiip! crasssh!

Narrator: Due to creative differences, Shampoo has now been lifted from the
temporary duty of
Scriptwriter. After being lifted, she was thrown out of the window. Normally
this is quite fatal but
luckily for Shampoo, the recording studio is in the basement. Basement?
Window? Um... uh...
nevermind. Now, the cast will admirably take over the duties since the Head
Scriptwriter is still out
for lunch, dinner and a banana bubble bath.

ORCHESTRA: rendition of "Stayin' Alive"

Ranma: Oh, Akane, *you're right* and *I'm wrong* all the time since I'm such
a baka pervert and
you are my high queen. I'll forget about all those other meaningless girls
and be your servant forever
and forever and eat your wonderful cooking all day long!

F.X.: exploding okonomiyaki hitting large mallet. Not easy to replicate. No
need to

Ranma-honey: No, no, what was I thinking? Why would I need Akane when I can
marry my
*dearest* friend of ten years, Ucchan, and eat her *delicious* okonomiyaki.

F.X.: swoons of fainting from sleeping gas

Ranma-sama: Oh, Kodachi darling, please save me from these vile, lowly
creatures! They are
nothing compared to such a rose in bloom as you are!

F.X.: ping! -- lightbulb above someone's head
F.X.: zzzziip! tap-tap-tap-tap!

The Pathetic Ryouga: Oh, Ranma! Please Sensei, will you teach little *weak*
me your inspired,
innovative martial arts techniques so that pig-boy, uh, me can aspire one
day to be *half* the
graceful skilled fighter that you are!! <pause>

F.X.: punch! whack! pow!

The Womanising Ranma: Nyahahahhah! Once again, I, the dishonourable Saotome,
have *cheated*
the handsome, strong, brave Ryoga out of a *long-deserved* victory through
underhanded,
conniving methods. This is because I have no chance otherwise of defeating
such a master of the
Arts. I also renounce my engagament to Aka--renounce *this*, lost boy!

F.X.: wham! pow! whock! ka-powey! donk! clang! bak! krrriang! wok! frying
Pan!

Narrator: Recording has been temporarily suspended due to technical
difficulties. We will now go to
break and show you a picture of a fish.

<Long pause.>

Narrator: We have just realised that this is a radio show and we will
instead describe the picture of a
fish. It is grey, small, dead and has gills. <fanfare> I thank you. Since
another scriptwriter has been
found and blackmai -- er -- *persuaded*, we will now resume normal
service.... <low, booming
voice> Our heroes and heroines and sometimes both are in the middle of
chasing the script and now
have nearly caught the forgery of a picture of a five yen note which is
running just ahead of the
misplaced ellipsis!!

ORCHESTRA: 'Greased Lightning'...

Narrator: If the plot makes any sense to you so far, then... what *are* you
on and can you spare me
any, please? Really?

Nabiki: Oh, man. Weird staff these days.... I'll do the introduction. Right.
Next scene.

F.X.: fade in big ben clock striking twelve

Ranma: I told ya that we shouldn't have followed Ryoga! Time out!

F.X.: clock uprooting itself from parliament buildings and leaving London

Ranma: Oh man, that's so... strange!

Ukyo: Unbelievable!!

Ryoga: Yeah, I didn't know English clocks knew Japanese!

Nabiki: What are you guys still doing here? We only have a limited budget.

Akane: Nabiki?! Where did you come from?!

Nabiki: Chill, Akane.

Shampoo: Is not hard to do in British winter. Wonder when summer come and
thaw Shampoo's
fingers?

Passerby: Wahahahahahhhh! "Summer"! Here?! Ohohohohooohhoh, now that's a
good one!

F.X.:  pillar box embedding passerby in pavement

Nabiki: So, again, why are you guys here? The forged picture's back in
Tokyo; the one I deceitfully
gave Ranma.

Ranma: Really? C'mon gang! Let's go!

Ryoga/Taro/Mousse/Kuno: Don't you order me around, Saotome!

F.X.: fade out fighting into distance

Akane: Men! All they can do is fight. We better go get them.

Ukyo: You got that right. Hey, Akane, will you remove your table from my
head?

Akane: I gladly would but I've got Kodachi's ribbon around my throat.

Kodachi: <muffled> I'm afwaid I cannot shee for the Amashon's noodles
wrapped awound my
face.

Shampoo: Aiya, Kodachi! You try turn this into lemon?!

Kodachi: <slurp> This is a lemon, though. Lemon chicken. My absolute
favourite. <slurp>

Nabiki: .....

Nabiki: Gee, and there I heard Ranma making a bet that he would date
whichever girl could catch
the forged picture.

<Short pause.>

Akane: And you said the picture's back in Tokyo?!

Nabiki: Yep.

Akane: Right, out of the way, you lot! I'm coming through!

Ukyo: No! If anyone's gonna catch that picture, it's gonna be me!

Shampoo: You both wrong! I go!

Kodachi: Wrong again, commoners. I shall win Ranma's heart!

F.X.: fade out another fight into distance

Nabiki: Of course, when I said that the forged picture's back in Tokyo...

F.X.: envelope opening

Nabiki: ...I didn't say where the forged picture's front was. Fools. They'll
never even manage to get a
*real* picture of a five-yen note. Not from me, anyway...
Nyahahahahahahaahaaaahhhhhh--

ORCHESTRA: 'Macarena'

Nabiki: Hey! I was enjoying that insane laughter! Oh, all right... end of
scene, everybody.

Narrator: Pardon me but I believe that is *my* job! <pause> And any time you
feel like having a go,
Miss Tendo, it's fine with me.

End of recording. C&C welcome. :) Flames not.  :(
So, is it worth continuing or should I abandon all hope and jump ship?