Hey, it's us again, with another installment of our sporadic column! Just
a small warning: if you're really spoiler-sensitive, don't read this. Well,
actually, the spoilers here are pretty well-buried in the text, but you might
take offense anyway... well, do whatever you want. Just don't complain to us
later. :P

C&C appreciated.

Disclaimer: Sam and Raph do not own the rights to Neon Genesis Evangelion (R),
Shinji Ikari (R), Asuka Soryuu Langsley (R), Misato Katsuragi (R), Rei Ayanami
(R), Unit-01 (R), Unit-02 (R), Pen-Pen (R), NERV (R), Gendou Ikari (R), Kaworu
(R), or any of the directors depicted in the below column. Gainax (R) does,
although I've heard that they got brought up on charges of tax fraud, so maybe
we _will_ own the rights pretty soon, if our calculations are correct, heh heh
heh heh...

Sam & Raph's New PSX Games!



Raph: Hello out there once more, and welcome to our column! This month, Sam
and I--

(Raph looks to Sam, who is quite absorbed in something else at the moment)

Raph: --Okay, just me, then. (to Sam) Hey, aren't you going to put down that
controller and help me write this thing?

Sam: (distracted) Um, sure, in a second. Dang it! Died again�

Raph: (sighs) It looks like my partner is a bit occupied at the moment�
(mutters) I shoulda never let him leave his Playstation here in my room�
(normal voice) Well, in any case, it's time for another column, and this time,
we're going to be taking a unique look at one of the most acclaimed and
controversial anime series ever!

Sam: (without looking up from his game) Wow� we're actually gonna rent Legend
of the Overfiend?

Raph: Baka! (throws a pen at Sam, which boinks off his head)

Sam: Hey! You made me die again!

Raph: (sourly) Serves you right. No, I meant Neon Gensesis Evangelion, dummy.

Sam: (snorts) Evangelion? It was okay until they tried to end the thing. 

Raph: Well, you're in luck, then. You're not the only one that had a problem
with the ending. Just about everyone who sees it says that they could have
written a better ending themselves, so I decided to put that theory to the
test. For the past couple of weeks, I've issued a challenge to the greatest
directors out there, daring them to produce a better ending to Evangelion. 

Sam: Did we get any response?

Raph: Take a look. (gestures towards a stack of videotapes)

Sam: (puts down controller) Well in that case� (picks up controller again)
Well, wait. Let me save real quick, okay?

Raph: I guess. We need the TV to watch these things anyway.

Sam: Oh, yeah. 

(a few blips and whirs later, our intrepid columnists are seated in their
chairs, ready to partake of the offerings of other directors)

Sam: So, what're we watching first?

Raph: (picks up a cassette and reads the label) Well, it looks like this one's
by Jerry Bruckheimer.

Sam: Wow� we got him to do one? Pop it in the VCR!

Raph: I'm getting there!

---

10�9�8�7�6�5�4�3�2�

Jerry Bruckheimer	(The Rock, Armageddon, Con Air)

(setting: the streets of Tokyo-3, Shinji in his Eva unit chasing his father
Gendou)

Shinji: Give it up, Father! Your insane plans to reform humanity as you see
fit were doomed to fail from the start!

Gendou: (laughs maniacally) Never! Do you think you've outwitted me, boy?
(holds up a small device) With one press of this button, hidden charges in
each of the buildings of Tokyo-3 will reduce this city to a pile of smoking
rubble!

Shinji: (horrified) You monster!

Gendou: Game over, son! (presses the button, and ear-rending explosions begin
to tear up the landscape)

(Shinji's Eva lunges towards Gendou, who snarls and balls his fists. The most
ridiculous fist fight you've ever seen commences as Gendou squares off with
Unit-01. Shinji swats at his father, who staggers back�only to impale himself
on a sharp long piece of shrapnel)

Gendou: (gasps) You've won�but I won't be going alone� (spontaneously explodes
in a giant fireball)

(Unit-01 turns towards the camera and attempts to run from the explosion;
moments later, the shockwave lifts him off of his feet and hurls him several
hundred yards)

(Unit-01 slowly looks up and sees the feet of Unit-00 towering over him)

Rei: (in a whisper, of course) Are you all right, Shinji-kun?

Shinji: H-hai�

(Rei's unit helps Shinji's unit stand. The two turn and watch the smoldering
skyline)

Rei: (softly) It's beautiful, isn't it?

Shinji: H-hai�

(fade to black)

---

Sam: I dunno� was that better?

Raph: Well�let's see another one� (inserts a different tape)

---

10�9�8�7�6�5�4�3�2�

Clint Eastwood (Unforgiven)

(Shinji and Asuka in their units stand at opposite ends of a long street,
facing each other)

Asuka: (in a Western drawl) Now that all the Angels have been taken care of,
this is where it all ends, Shinji. I won't let you be better'n me, you hear?

Shinji: (also in a drawl) I reckon Tokyo-3's just not big enough for the two
of us.

Asuka: DRAW!

(both simultaneously pull out their weapons and fire. After the smoke clears,
we see Asuka on the ground, shot neatly through the entry plug, and Shinji
still brandishing his smoking weapon)

Shinji: I reckon that means I win. (starts to turn away)

(A beautiful, purple-haired woman in a tight sundress runs up to Shinji's unit
and fiercely hugs the right foot of the Eva)

Misato: Oh, Shinji-kun! Thank you so much for freeing the town from that
horrid Mad Dog Asuka!

Shinji: (drawls) It was nothing, ma'am. (turns and walks away)

(scene of Unit-01 walking towards the sunset)

---

Sam: Um�next?

---

Hayao Miyazaki (Nausica� of the Valley of Wind, My Neighbor Totoro, Kiki's
Delivery Service)

(the deepest bowels of NERV headquarters, Shinji's Unit-01 holding Kaworu in a
deadly grip)

Kaworu: Kill me now, Shinji. Save yourselves and destroy me.

Shinji: No, Kaworu. Hatred and death are never the answer.

Kaworu: (anguished) Then�what else is there for me?

Shinji: You are filled with such turmoil� Dear Angels� I understand your pain
now. Please� we don't mean to harm you�

(Asuka comes bursting in, nearly hysterical with worry)

Asuka: Shinji-kun! I was so worried!

Shinji: Asuka! (leaps out of his Eva unit and runs to his best friend)

Asuka: (takes Shinji's hands in hers) Oh, Shinji-kun� are you all right?

Shinji: Yes, everything's all right� (turns to Kaworu) Right, Kaworu?

Kaworu: Um�yes, that's right�

Voice from behind: We're all here to help you, Kaworu. (figure steps out of
shadows to reveal that it's Gendou)

Gendou: Looks like I got here just in time. (fatherly chuckle, rich in warmth)
You're never alone, Kaworu; never forget that.

Kaworu: Yes, you're right! I'll always have my friends with me� I realize now
I was wrong in trying to destroy mankind.

Asuka: If it weren't for Shinji-baka, you might have realized it sooner.

Rei: (having just walked in) "Shinji-baka?" Then whose hands are you holding,
then?

(Asuka realizes she's holding Shinji's hands and lets go of them, blushing
furiously. Shinji also blushes, putting one hand behind his head)

Asuka: (not meeting Shinji's eyes) Shinji-kun� ano�

Rei: Just tell him already, Asuka!

Shinji: (puzzled) Tell me what?

Asuka: Shinji-kun�I� I really� I-I lo--

---

Sam: Okay, that's enough! Next tape, please!

Raph: But, but� I was really enjoying this one!

Sam: Now.

Raph: All right, all right. (sighs)

---

John Woo (Hard Boiled, Face/Off, Broken Arrow)

(Unit-01 being faced by the 18th Angel)

Chang, the 18th Angel: (in Cantonese) Our family doesn't appreciate you
killing 17 of our brothers.

Shinji: Am I supposed to care?

Chang: We don't overlook trespasses against our family lightly, you know. I
think it's time you were taught a lesson.

(somehow, Unit-01 manages to sneer)

(from the perimeter of the city, several other huge figures appear.)

Shinji: And who are these jokers?

Chang: May I have the pleasure of introducing Wong, our 19th brother, Lee, our
20th brother, and finally, Great Dragon, our 21st and eldest brother.

Shinji: (thinking to himself) Asuka's in no condition to fight�Rei was lost in
honorable sacrifice� I will avenge you, my friends!

Great Dragon: Get him, my brothers! (all begin to close in Shinji)

(Unit-01 pulls out two giant golden pistols loaded with AT-field piercing
rounds and begins strafing the area, using the buildings as cover.

The remainder of the Angels are superior gunfighters, but are no match for
Shinji's unparalleled marskmanship. Unit-01 pops in and out from behind
buildings, diving and rolling with both barrels blazing. The sound of glass
shattering and rounds being fired fills the air. Shards of luminescent glass
rain upon our combatants to the strains of "Ode to Joy."

Lee is the first to go down, several bullets ripping through his midsection.
Chang and Wong try to rush him from two directions, only to be both cut down
simultaneously by a bullet from each of Shinji's guns. Shinji holds his two
guns out in front of him, and both spent cartridges drop to the ground, the
clatter echoing through all of Tokyo-3.)

Great Dragon: It appears that you are finished, Shinji. (appears from behind a
building, gun leveled directly at Shinji's head) Your crimes against our
family will be repaid in full by the spilling of your blood. (begins to
squeeze trigger)

(sound of gunshot)

(Great Dragon falls to the ground, blood streaming from a hole in his
forehead)

(Shinji slowly puts his spare gun away into the hidden compartment in
Unit-01's arm. He looks at Great Dragon's body a long moment, and turns away.)

(credits)

---

Raph: What� in the world was that?

Sam: Wow� that was cool! I like that one!

---

Frank Capra (It's a Wonderful Life, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington)

(on a solitary chair amidst the blackness of the empty room, sits Shinji, head
in hands)

Shinji: I hate my life. I hate myself! I wish I were never born!

(air shimmers as a figure appears)

Figure: Hi there, Shinji.

Shinji: Nani? Who are you?

Figure: I'm Clarence, the 16th Angel. Your guardian angel.

Shinji: I have a guardian angel?

Clarence: Sure you do! Everybody has one.

Shinji: Even my worthless bastard of a father?

Clarence: (bigsweats) Well�yeah, I suppose� anyway, I couldn't help but
overhear you saying you wish you had never been born.

Shinji: (feeling sorry for himself again) That's right! My life is worthless,
and there's no point to me living anymore! Father hates me, I have no
friends�things would have been better if I had never been born.

Clarence: Would you like to see how the world would be if you had never been
born? Let me show you.

(before Shinji can say a word, Clarence has taken his hand and whisked him
away. We now see a hurried montage of images summarizing a World Without
Shinji.)

Clarence: See here? Without you� well, Rei would have finished off that angel
anyway, I guess, although she stays in the hospital a little longer as a
result� And� oh, look! (points to a red-haired spitfire) Asuka would�um, yell
at Toji a lot�

Shinji: She still looks really angry at the world.

Clarence: Um, anyhow� Misato goes home and gets drunk every night! Look how
miserable she is! And poor Pen-Pen isn't getting fed!

Shinji: Um� it was like that while I was there, too.

Clarence: (getting desperate) And look at poor Rei! There she sits, solitary,
alone, without a friend in the world. She just sits there, mute, without any
semblance of human emotion.

Shinji: She was like that while I was around, too!

Clarence: Well, look, I'm sure everyone's lives are much worse without you,
see, and�

Shinji: Look, the only difference between this world and my world is that I'm
not there. Everyone else is the same, everyone else is still screwed up as
usual, and everyone else hates everyone else's guts! I'm just not there to
suffer with them! In fact, I think I like it this way. Screw living. Take me
to the afterlife.

Clarence: (shrugs) Well, if that's what you really want - (holds out hand to
Shinji)

(the scene is violently interrupted by Clarence suddenly being blown apart by
several giant rounds of gunfire. The alternative world shimmers, and fades
back into dull, ominous, dreary NERV headquarters.)

Misato: Shinji-kun! Are you all right?

Asuka: (from inside her Eva unit) You're lucky I was here to save your butt,
Shinji-baka. That Angel had you hypnotized in its AT field for over ten
minutes! Imagine what might have happened if I hadn't come in time!

(from somewhere, a distant bell rings)

Misato: Hey! Every time a bell rings, an angel gets his wings!

Shinji: (sourly) Just shut up.

--

Sam: Hey, that was cool.

Raph: Ugh. 

---

James Cameron (Terminator, The Abyss, Titanic)

(NERV headquarters, again)

Shinji: (holding Kaworu in Unit-01's grip) The human will shall always
prevail. No matter how many Angels you might send to try and terminate us.

(Kaworu grins, and melts into a silvery puddle which slithers out of Shinji's
grip and across the floor where he reforms into his humanoid form)

Shinji: (stunned with horror) What in the name of heaven are you?

Kaworu: I am the pinnacle in Angel development. A fully configurable, liquid
AT field allows me to assume any form I wish for me to fulfill my purpose�
which is to terminate humankind.

(Shinji fires his weapon, leaving a gaping hole in Kaworu's head. After a few
seconds, the hole closes itself up, leaving Kaworu unscathed)

Shinji: No! (begins to back slowly away as Kaworu advances upon him)

(Asuka bursts into the room and sees what's going on)

Asuka: Shinji! (in a moment of insight, grabs a crowbar and smashes a nearby
water pipe. Water begins to fill the room)

(Kaworu begins to flail, unable to maneuver in the water. As the level rises,
he can do nothing but watch the water slowly engulf him as it floods his
circuits.)

(Shinji quickly ejects from his plug and swims to Asuka)

Shinji: Asuka, you did it! You destroyed the 17th Angel!

Asuka: (looking at the water level slowly rising) If we don't get out of here,
we'll drown! (tries the door she came in through) It's stuck! 

Shinji: NERV's sensors must have detected the break in the pipes� help should
be coming in less than five minutes.

Asuka: (now waist-deep in water) In five minutes, this place will be entirely
underwater!

Shinji: And my entry plug only has enough life support for five minutes for
one person� Asuka, use my entry plug. You'll be able to survive until help
arrives.

Asuka: But�you'll die without air! I'm staying with you.

Shinji: No, Asuka. You're not gonna die. As long as I'm alive, I won't let
you. You're going to live, and grow up to be old, and have lots of kids, and�

Asuka: What are you talking about?

Shinji: This place is sinking. Hurry, get into the plug!

Asuka: Oh, Shinji� promise me you'll be okay.

(cue Celene Dion's My Heart Will Go On)

Shinji: Don't worry about me. I'm the king of the world.

(Asuka tearfully swims to the entry plug, its doors closing over her just
before the water can enter it)

(seventy years later)

Asuka: (to her grandkids) And that was how I convinced that idiot Shinji to
let me use his plug while he drowned to death. Oh, well� 

---

Raph: Uhhhh�

Sam: Um, yeah�next?

---

George Lucas (Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, duh)

Gendou: (addressing Shinji, whom he has trapped on the catwalk) Shinji, you
are helpless against the power of the Dark Side of NERV! (voice drops) Shinji�
Misato-chan never told you what happened to your father.

Shinji: She told me enough! She told me you killed him!

Gendou: No, that was your mother I killed. But in any case, I am your father.

Shinji: No, it can't be! Well� actually, come to think of it, that makes
perfect sense. I mean, we do have the same last names and all�

Gendou: Shut up, boy.

(a year later, in the swamps of southern Japan)

Shinji: I have to leave to fight the Angels.

Misato: But you aren't done yet with your synchronization training. You are
not an Eva pilot, yet.

Shinji: I know, but I must to save my friends. (climbs into Unit-01 and
leaves)

Misato: (to Ritsuko, who is standing next to her) That Child was our last
hope.

Ritsuko: (enigmatically) No�there is another. Two more, in fact.

Misato: Oh, well in that case� where do keep your beer around this place,
anyway?

(another year later)

(Shinji and Gendou square off in the central bridge of NERV)

Gendou: I never loved you as a son! I love Rei much more than you!

Shinji: (clutches his head in agony) Nooooooo! Arrrrrgh!!

Gendou: And furthermore, I think you're a wussy snot-nosed kid who couldn't
defend himself from a paper bag!

Shinji: Aaaaaaaggghhh! (rolls on the ground from Gendou's attack)

Gendou: You're weak, insipid, and your mother dresses you funny!

Shinji: Okay, that's it. (gets up and lifts Gendou up over his head)

Gendou: H-hey, what're you doing?

Shinji: What I should have done two episodes into this thing. (walks over to
the edge of the bridge and chucks his father over the edge)

(long, tortured wail of Gendou accelerating at 9.8 meters per second squared,
followed by a rather unbecoming SPLAT)

Shinji: Ah. That feels much better now.

---

Sam: What�what was that?

Raph: Uh�it looks like we've got one more tape after this one. Let's
see�Katsuhiro Otomo?

---

Katsuhiro Otomo (Robot Carnival, Akira, Memories)

(random pictures of random objects slowly flash by as the dialogue progresses)

What is your reason for piloting Eva?

Shinji: So people will like me better! So they won't hate me!

And does that make you happy?

Shinji: Yes! When they see me fight Angels, I feel like I mean something!

And does that make you happy?

Shinji: Yes! People don't hate me as much!

And does that make you happy?

Shinji: I don't know! I� I don't know what I want!

(cut to a picture of a giant explosion)

(cut to a picture of a vast star field)

(cut to a picture of an abstract scribbled animation)

Blue-faced kid: Someday we will�

(cut to a psychadelic black and white field, zooming out into infinity)

Disembodied voice of Shinji: I�am�Shinji�

(weird percussion music)

(fade out)

---

Raph: And that's all the tapes we've got. So, what do you think?

Sam: Uhhh� I think I might actually prefer the original ending� although the
John Woo entry was really cool.

Raph: I like the Miyazaki one, myself�

Sam: You would.

Raph: And what's that supposed to mean?

Sam: Oh, nothing.

Raph: Well, in any case, that's the end of this column! Tune in next month for
more anime randomness!

Sam: Does that mean I can get back to my game now?

Raph: Yes, that means you can get back to your game�


end.

Sam & Raph's Index Page! 
The Best in Anime Randomness!
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