Subject: [FFML] [C&C] [Ranma] [Fanfic] Relentless - Chapter 6
From: "Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com>
Date: 11/24/1998, 6:18 AM
To: graysont@rigroup.net
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

Seemed like you'd dropped off the face of the earth for a while,
Grayson.  Welcome back.  Anyway, let's see here...

I'll note first of all that the chapter is mislabelled Chapter 5 
in the Subject header on your messages.  But anyway, more 
specifically...
                      
There was no way in hell he was going to try to emulate Ryouga's 
bakusai ten-ketsu training - only a total fool would put himself 
through that.

Or herself.  Good use of dramatic irony.  

No, they needed something more versatile, something that
would help them increase their overall martial arts skill
and power.  He had just the technique in mind.

Not, we hope, the Neko-ken.  ;p

Ryouga eyed the contents of the bag.  "Those are acorns,"
he observed.

Ah, but are they African or European acorns?

Ranma grumbled irritably to himself a bit, then composed
himself.  "It's better to show you than explain," he stated.
"Watch closely."

The first sentence sounds a wee bit clunky to me; the repeated
'himself' mostly.  What about:

'Ranma grumbled irritably for a bit, then composed himself.'

"Where are you going?" Ukyou said from behind him.  Her voice
was tight and strained.  He didn't look back at her as he
responded.

"I'm gonna sleep a little bit apart from you guys," he said.
He didn't explain why.  He didn't know if his self-training
idea had any chance of succeeding at all, but he figured it
couldn't hurt to take a few precautions if it did.  "Get some
rest.  We've got another hard day tomorrow."

Given the 'he responded' that ends the first paragraph, the
'he said' is probably unecessary in the first sentence of the
second paragraph.

clatter<

This is just a personal preference of mine that I know a lot of
authors don't adhere to... but isn't it almost as easy to write
a description of the sound in prose rather than insert a slightly
obstrusive script-style sound effect?

Ranma looked at her like she'd gone nuts.  Allergic to bee
stings?  Who ever heard of something like that?  What, did
that means she got a runny nose when she got stung?  "Ucchan,
if you ain't willin' to put yourself on the line for your
trainin', you're never gonna be a real martial artist."

Hmm.  Ranma's certainly a real bastard in this chapter.  It's
perfectly IC, but not very pleasant to watch.

"It's just..." Ukyou tried to put the right mixture of
nonchalance and suggestiveness into her tone, "I was hoping
you wouldn't be sleeping so far away from me... us, I mean..."

Ukyou makes the classic Freudian slip, I see.

She shrugged.  "How come you keep doin' it, if you know it's
wrong?"

Because it feels so darn good.

"It's pathetic," he spat angrily, wiping his face with the
back of his hand.  "It's a pitiful mockery of human love, but
it's all I've got.  You can't know what it's like to be so
wretched and lonely.  You're so cute and friendly, and
everybody likes you."

Now... given Ukyou's previous manipulation of Ryouga over the
whole Akari/Akane issue, it might be good for this whole scene to
raise a little more guilt in her about her actions there.  A
mention, perhaps?

"Nabiki?  What's the matter, you look terrible!"

We've secretly replaced Nabiki from Relentless with Nabiki from
IMBS... now let's see if her family notices the difference!

"He's sick," she repeated numbly.  "He passed out from
exhaustion.  I... I worked him into the ground."

"And... and I thought he'd last longer!  He always seemed so
healthy!  My plans are ruined!  Ruined, I say!"

This chapter took me a lot longer to craft than the previous
ones.  My thanks to those of you who have written me with
encouragement to keep writing.  Fanfiction is, of course, a
luxury, and the past few months have seen precious little
spare time for me.  And once you get out of the writing rhythm,
it can be a real challenge to get back in.  Especially on a
transitional chapter like this one...

Believe me, I know the feeling.  Glad to see you back in form,
though.

Anyway, I'm hoping the next one won't take so long, even with
the interruption of Christmas and such.  The next chapter has
more action and conflict, so it shouldn't be so difficult...

I hope it won't take so long either.  ;)

I wrote a bit about the nature of the Jusenkyou curse in this
chapter and how it affects the minds of its victims.  I'm aware
that this is a topic that gets debated now and then with a
certain fervor, and I'm not out to start another argument.

Well... I've always believed it's rather silly to start fervent
arguments over points that can be left up to an author's 
individual interpretation and desires for their work.  (And if 
anyone cares to argue that belief...)

***

A very good transitional chapter.  Lots of character development
(particularly Ryouga and Ukyou), and a number of nice scenes with
the same mixing of humour and seriousness that you've done very
well in Relentless.  Also no spelling or grammatical errors that
I caught; overall, very polished work.

Awaiting the next chapter (hopefully with more Tarou ^_^) quite
eagerly.

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

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