Subject: [FFML] [Spamfic] The Otaku-ken
From: Edward Becerra
Date: 11/23/1998, 11:21 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com


	I'm posting this for John 'Firehawke' Peasley, who isn't subscribed to the 
list at the moment. He's given me a lot of credit for this little story, 
credit I don't really deserve. All I contributed was a single silly idea. 
HE's the one who ran with it.

	Anyway, we both hope you'll enjoy it.

	Ed Becerra

===========================================================================


[Spamfic]  "Otaku-ken"

Written by John 'Firehawke' Peasley    [firehawke@uswest.net]
  all dialogue by authors written by the author in question

         With the gracious assistance of the Sanctuary Crew:
              Asellus, DarkWind, Jon, Kickaha, Magami,
                   Nabiki, Ozymand, Raoh, and Su

Extra Special Thanks to the following people:
Brett Handy, Ed Becerra, Susan Craft-Rendon, John Collins,
Anand Rao, and Kevin Mignery
..for volunteering for such a twisted plot. ^_-

And even more thanks to Ed Becerra for coming up with the
basic idea.

-----

"You want ME to drop into a pit of WHAT?" Ranma demanded, "Are 
you CRAZY, pop?!"

"The Otaku-ken. You've seen how powerful the neko-ken is, boy.
Can you imagine the power behind a pit full of raving otaku?"
Genma asked, pointing down into a deep dark abyss of a pit.

"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'm NOT GOING!"

"CUT!" declared an angry voice from behind the two. "That's not
in the script! No adlibbing lines, for god's sake, Ranma! We
pay you to ACT, not to think! If you have to steal a line, kid, 
at least steal from Stewart, not Shatner.."

"Oh, come ON already! It's cold and damp in this pit. Can we
get this OVER with?!" a voice chimed in from the darkness.

John whapped his forehead, uttering a low groan. "I can't 
*believe* this. My first shot at directing, and I have to deal
with Ranma Saotome. Fine. ONE more shot."

"PLACES, everyone!" he yelled, "And let's get it RIGHT this
time, eh?!"

The director crossed his arms, tapping one foot quietly against
the floor with a distinctly annoyed expression upon his face 
while everyone else reset to their places.

"Okay. Take *four*... annnnd.. ACTION!"

"You want ME to drop into a pit of WHAT?" Ranma demanded, "Are 
you CRAZY, pop?!"

"The Otaku-ken. You've seen how powerful the neko-ken is, boy.
Can you imagine the power behind a pit full of raving otaku?"
Genma asked, pointing down into a deep dark abyss of a pit with
a strange gleam in his eye.

Ranma opened his mouth to protest, but the protest cut out into
a scream as his father shoved him into the pit. "Hey--AAAHH!"

(John muttered to himself, "THANK you, Genma.")

"I'll give him ten minutes to withstand the Otaku before I pull
him out," the moderately-old-but-not-quite-wizened martial artist
declared to himself with satisfaction.

The cameramen slowly panned to the pit, turning the camera down
to face into its depths. Slowly, they lowered it, towards the 
bottom. After close to ten seconds, the camera reached the bottom,
to show Ranma in the midst of a group of raving men and women.

Susan Craft-Rendon was glomping Ranma, begging him to write some
dialogue for her next fic. John Collins was grinning evilly and 
holding a bucket of cold water each over Ranma's head, while Kevin
Mignery prepared to glomp. Anand Rao was shaking Ranma, begging
him for Kasumi's whereabouts, and Brett Handy was merely leaning
back against the wall, a sly Nabiki-ish grin on his face and a 
thermos of hot water in his hand. 

Ranma could only gibber and stare in wide-eyed shock as a 
swirling cloud of chaos known only as Otakudom surrounded him.
Never before had he faced such sheer lunacy. The shock was
magnified by the abruptness of the cold water that splashed over
him. She screamed in horror, blowing all the otaku several steps
back with the sheer force. 

Then, as abrupt as the water had been, something snapped. Ranma
glomped onto herself with a lecherous grin.

-----

In the waiting room of Nerima General, John paced back and forth,
wearing an impressive groove into the tile floor. Finally, the
doctor stepped into the hall, stopping the director.

"How bad is it, doc?" John demanded.

"It's not good. Head lacerations, glass was stuck all through
his body, and his mind is not quite all there-- and that's just
from his family visiting."

"WHAT?!"

"He tried to glomp Nabiki, and Akane sent him through the 
window."

"So where are Nabiki and Akane now?"

"Negotiating with Jerry Springer."

"Gaaaaah," John commented. "Okay, so what about his mind?"

"He thinks he's an otaku, Mr. Peasley. In fact, he's trying to
scribble down a fanfic on a pad of paper right now."

"Uh-oh. Ranma's noted for having a bit of an ego.. It wouldn't 
be a self-insertion, would it?"

The slow nod the doctor gave John only sent a chill through his
heart. "Okay. What can you do for him? Is there any hope?"

"If we can convince him that he's not an otaku, then he might
become 'normal' again."

"So, how would we do that?"

"I don't know, this isn't my field of expertise. I was hoping
you or one of the other authors might have an idea."

"@set me=clueless," John sighed, shaking his head. "Well, I can
see if anyone else has any ideas."

-----

"And so, that's my problem, John," John declared to his 
Australian friend. "I'm in deep trouble! He's due over at
Biles's set for his new visionary fic in FOUR hours! Got
any ideas?"

"Sorry, dude. I have no ideas."

"Well, I could call in Barney and the Teletubbies to handle him,
but that would get me thrown out of the writer's guild."

"Yeah, I can see why. Hmm ... you could show him those H-pics 
of Priss you have on your computer. They'd get -any- otaku's 
attention."

"Hey.. *I* don't have any H pics of Priss!" John protested.

The Australian merely smirked. "That's what they all say."

"Ergh..."

"Honestly, though, I have NO idea what to do."

"Okay, thanks anyway. Guess I should ask Miss Craft-Rendon."

-----

"So, Su, that's my problem. Any ideas?"

"Well, John, first I have to observe that you've REALLY done 
it this time.. let me consult Washuu. She's staying with me 
while I write my current fic."

"Gesundheit."

"Ha. Ha. Unfortunately, even the Greatest Genius Scientist in 
the Universe has no ideas. Tho you could try these limited 
edition Fushigi Yuugi stickers.. if he damages them, you owe 
me seven years bad luck."

"-URK-.. I'm trying to CURE him, not make him even more an 
Otaku!"

"Oh! Well then, show 'im the new BGC TV stuff. That would 
scare ANYONE away."

"You know.. you DO have a point there."

Su bowed. "Thank you, John.. compliments will get you 
EVERYWHERE," she said with a wink.

"Uh.. right. Thanks," he responded nervously. "I'll go 
try it out now."

"Come by anytime!"

-----

John entered the hospital carrying two videotapes and a
set of earplugs. He approached the front desk. "Excuse 
me? I'm going up to the Saotome room."

"Okay. Go ahead. He's been moved to the third floor, east
ward, room 303."

"Thanks."

-----

Sneaking cautiously through the third floor's nurse station,
John considered the import of what he was doing. Even having
such a frightening anime in his possession could get him mauled
by any otaku he came across. Especially if that Otaku were
Bert Van Vliet.

Suppressing a shudder, he slipped the first tape into the VCR
and pressed 'play'.

By the time John got into Ranma's room, he found Ranma in a 
remarkable rendition of the Checkov Maneuver(tm) and screaming 
in agony at the blond-haired Nene on the screen. The screams 
went through the earplugs while the anime did not, thankfully 
saving him from the same dire fate.

Ranma continued to twitch, finally falling the rest of the way
to the floor to fall into apparent unconsciousness. John knelt 
beside the fallen martial artist, checking his pulse. "Good, 
he's still alive. That should do it."

*CRACK*

-----

Kasumi looked up from where she was talking to Anand Rao, to
see Ranma. "Oh, Ranma! Rao-san was talking about a new story
he'd like me to star in! Isn't that wonderful? Where's 
John-san? I'm sure he'd love to hear the news."

"Oh, he's a bit tied up right now, you might say." Ranma 
grinned.

-----

John struggled at his full body cast, but was unable to move
any part of his body whatsoever, which made it impossible for
him to avert his eyes from the hideous spectacle of BGC 2040.
Too bad, especially since Ranma had left the tapes running.

*END*

Author's Notes:

Kick posted the idea, and I just couldn't help myself. It 
seemed pretty much open for interpretation and chaos. :)
Unfortunately, I let it get a bit out of hand. I'd like 
to apologize to everyone for using the horror of BGC 2040, 
not the least of whom being BVV. I'd like to also apologize 
to Mr. Biles for using a perverted version of his style. 
Well, have a nice day, everyone.. don't let this scare you 
too much. ^_-

--- John
Monday, November 23rd, 1998 12:55AM