<newranma@hotmail.com>
MUCH ADO ABOUT RANMA
by Jonathan Lavallee
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Yes, yes, you all know the drill, place typical Ranma 1/2 disclaimer
here which states that the characters are property of the creativity of
the esteemed Rumiko Takahashi. Any other references to any other anime
belong to the author in question. If you believe otherwise perhaps
these nice men in little white coats will be able to help you. That's
right this coat will make you feel very safe. However, what is not
typical is the acknowledgment to William Shakespeare who's play is used
in this fic. Hopefully he won't be spinning in his grave by the time
this story is finished.
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If a stranger would walk the streets of Nerima tonight, he (or she, but
for the sake of science we'll use he) would be greeted by many a thing.
He would see many people walking around enjoying the night, each others
company or both. A peaceful setting that would occasionally be broken
by the sound of construction crews demolishing things. (Okay, it's not
really construction crews, but *DAMN* to the uninitiated it would sure
sound like it) All and all a peaceful evening. But if you were to look
very carefully at a pole that line the street you would be able to read
this.
NOW PLAYING AT FUURINKAN HIGH AUDITORIUM
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING
WITH
DOUGAL ADDISON AS DON PEDRO
RYOGA HIBIKI AS CLAUDIO
UKYO KUONJI AS HERO
RANMA SAOTOME AS BENEDICK
AKANE TENDO AS BEATRICE
AND MANY OTHERS . . .
DIRECTED BY : DOUGAL
TICKETS 2000 YEN IN ADVANCE 3000 YEN AT DOOR.
Now if the person in question were a stranger to Nerima he would not be
all that impressed. Why should he be, aren't Shakespeare's plays
performed around the world? In any normal instance he would be right,
but Nerima is far from normal.
As our little friend walks further down the street he comes to the high
school in question. He also hears the sound of thunderous applause
coming from the auditorium. Perhaps our little friend will walk inside
. . . no, he continues down the path content in who he is and oblivious
to the world around him, but he has served his purpose. So let's leave
him to his contemplation's of his little life while we will enter the
school.
As we enter we can hear that the applause is still roaring after five
minutes, how can this be, were they that good? The door to the
auditorium was open to let whatever cool breeze (or invisible authors
for that matter) enter the room. Upon the stage we see a group of
teenagers taking their bows. All of them are blushing with the
excitement of a standing ovation. It is possible to distinguish two
separate couples taking their bows, one was of a boy with a spotted
bandanna on his head holding the hand of a girl who had her long brown
hair tied with a ribbon. The other pair was a pig tailed boy with a
short haired girl. Both couples are slightly flushed, have their hair a
little mussed and were being honoured with flowers.
Now if you are wondering why the way they look is an important fact to
state I should explain by telling you of the events that transpired a
few months ago leading up to tonight.
***
Dougal walked down the streets of Nerima in a daze but then again
Dougal always looked like he was in a daze. His unkempt hair flew up
(that's right up) on his head and his five o'clock shadow look like a
ten o'clock night. The reason for his daze was his auditions.
"You would think that in a big place like Nerima," Dougal thought, "you
might be able to pick and choose who you wanted to star in your play. .
. but Noooooo!" He sighed, you see he was being paid to put on the play
*Much Ado About Nothing* here in Nerima and so far the chances of
pulling this off were two, slim and none. . . and slim left town last
week. As it was he was going to have to play the part of Don Pedro
himself.
He sighed as he put his weary hand on the wall and the other to his
head, because of a very acute headache. He looked up and saw a doctors
office . . . Tofu. No, Dougal thought, my headache is not that bad.
"Why can't I find two people with a great chemistry needed for two of
the most important parts." Dougal, tired of thinking because of his
headache, had decided to voice his thoughts out loud. "Why! Why! Why!
Wh -" He was interrupted by a sound, to most people who live in this
area, this sound would have made them flee in terror but not Dougal.
This sound was the one he was looking for. . . the sound of a great
argument.
"Ranma, why do you keep chasing after all those girls!" The girls
voice yelled out.
"I told ya a hundred times Akane," the male's voice yelled back, a bit
defensively I might add, "I don't go chasing nobody!"
"Then why did you eat that okonomiyaki that Ukyo made for you" The
girls voice sounded almost in tears, "when I made you a lunch."
Now Dougal was intrigued. He leaned closer hoping that his prayers had
been answered. He was paying so much attention to the couple that he
completely missed the old man with a bag on his back shouting "What a
haul!" being chased by (deep breath here) a purple haired girl on a
bike, a large group of high school students, a alien in a tiger stripe
bikini, a group of armor clad female warrior, a Ferrari, an angry guy in
a robe with swords sticking out of his sleeves, *another* group of angry
school girls, a few store managers, a spatula wielding restaurant owner,
a girl in a garbage can, a few models, a woman with a big glowing sword
in her hand, a cobra containing two mercenary women, yet *another*
group of angry school girls, a woman's rights league, a flying girl with
lightning coming out of her hands, a small half-rabbit half-cat animal,
three priestesses, a red headed girl with bracers on her arms running as
fast as Shampoo rode her bike holding onto a blond haired kid, a
red-headed catgirl being chased by a short blond one, a weird guy in a
Hawaiian shirt with a palm tree on his head, a cute girl on roller
skates dragging some poor guy, a black haired girl with a gymnastics
ribbon flowing behind her laughing maniacally and for good measure
*another* group of angry school girls.
"Ah! Come on Akane," he said, trying to be comforting (well at least in
New's mind), "you know you can't cook, if I would have eaten that I
would have been sick." There was silence, then the boys voice was back
and it sounded very nervous, "N-n-no-now Akane, th-th-the-there's no
need to get angry."
"Die Ranma!!!!!" the girls voice screamed, there was a crash, a bang
and a pop. Hey, Dougal thought, so that's what keeps sounding like
construction. Dougal finally peaked around the corner and saw the young
man with his face planted in the sidewalk and the young girl walking
towards Dougal. He needed to get her attention, he had found his
Beatrice and Benedick.
"Excuse me miss." Dougal spoke up quietly, making Akane turn around to
meet him. "I was wondering if you would be interested in acting in a
semi-professional play." His eyes lighted up hopefully.
"What?" Akane asked bewildered. Great, not another play, she thought,
and she was about to clobber him until she realized that this man was a
stranger to her. She caught herself remembering her manners, "I'm sorry
sir but I don't like to act in plays," she smiled briefly remembering,
"usually people ask me to play roles like Lady Sumo or Samurai
Sweetheart and it makes me sick."
"Oh! no!" Dougal defended himself, "it's not one of those plays."
"Then what kind is it?" Akane paused hopefully, "It's not Romeo and
Juliet is it." There was a gleam in her eye, how she wanted to be
Juliet without anyone screwing it up.
Dougal saw the expression in her face. Poor girl, he mused, she's one
of the types who thinks that Romeo and Juliet is a easy and high
limelight role. He started to speak, afraid to disappoint the girl but
it needed to be done, "No, it's not Romeo and Juliet." the girls face
fell, "It's Much Ado About Nothing."
"Much Ado About Nothing?" Akane hadn't heard of that play before.
"Oh! Yes it's one of the main roles, and judging by your performance
with that young man over there I say you will fight in - I mean fit in
quite nicely." Dougal smiled at her.
"You mean me fighting with Ranma got me a role in a play?" Akane was
completely taken off her guard now.
"And 10 000 yen."
"And 10 000 yen." She repeated.
"Yes," Dougal laughed slightly, "Is there an echo in this part of
Nerima or did I miss something. By the way, what's your name."
Akane looked up surprise, I didn't tell him my name yet. "It's Akane,
Akane Tendo."
"Well Miss Tendo," Dougal informed her, "I would suggest that you bring
youself and your friend over there down to the Fuurinkan high Auditorium
tomorrow as soon as you can after school."
"That won't be a problem," she informed him, "Ranma and I both go to
that school."
"Good! I'll see you after school then." Dougal started to walk away
happy with himself when he paused. "See if you can bring other people
as well." With that he walked away smiling.
***
Akane tapped her foot impatiently outside the auditorium. Just like
Ranma, she thought, never here when I want him, all that nonsense about
important things to do. Her thoughts darkened as she thought about
Ranma, as they almost always did, and lost in her foul humour she failed
to notice a man she didn't want to meet right now. Tatewaki Kuno.
"Oh! Akane Tendo my love come let us defeat that knave Saotome and date
together." came the all too familiar voice that made Akane's head snap
up. "Oh! No!" she thought, "not him, not now." Placing her head in her
hands she failed to notice that she was being pulled back through the
open door that was previous locked and into the auditorium. All she
heard was the door slam shut.
"Where am I?", Akane asked out loud.
"Your in the auditorium silly," a familiar voice called from behind
her, "you said you would meet me here remember." She had a name to that
voice. It was Dougal and boy was she glad to see him.
"You have no idea how glad I am to see you," Akane sighed, "that idiot
Kuno was trying to come on to me again."
"Would you think that he would want a role?" Dougal asked, not knowing
Kuno for who Kuno really was. Before Akane had a chance to tell him
what she thought about that Kuno stuck his head inside the auditorium.
"Did I hear that I, the great and noble Kuno, have a chance to play
along side of the beauteous Akane Tendo." He raced over grabbed New's
hand and shook it vigorously. "Now what part shall I play, perhaps the
noble Romeo to my sweet Juliet. Perhaps I shall be the noble Thesius to
my dear Hippolyta."
Dougal was taken a bit aback, how dare this boy presume that he had a
main role. "Well you haven't auditioned yet and," he was cut off by a
bokken pointed at his throat.
Kuno for some stupid reason was livid, "I the noble Kuno, in a cattle
call with the hoy paloy." He pushed his bokken closer to Dougal and
found that his sword had been pushed aside.
"How dare you even try to threaten me with that toothpick of yours!"
Dougal screamed (I think that now is the time for an important note. . .
while you are acting there is one important rule, the director is the
supreme being), "NOW GET UP ON STAGE BEFORE I REALLY GET MAD!"
Despite himself Kuno jumped up on the stage. "Good," Dougal calmed
down a little, "now tell me what do you know about Shakespeare."
"None at this school knows the Bard like I." Kuno said, his pride
showing very clearly. "For how earthlier happy is the rose distilled
then growing on the virgin thorn grows, lives and dies in single
blessedness." Kuno was starting on his tirade and when he starts there
is no stopping him. Akane knew this and decided that now would be a
good time for a nap. "For I wish to join the virtuous Akane Tendo in
her role for though she is little she is fierce. And -", luckily (and
mercifully depending on how you look at it) Dougal stopped him at that
point.
"Yeah! Yeah!" Dougal commented, "so you can quote from one or two of
his plays. But what do you know about Shakespeare?"
"It may seem to you that my knowledge of Shakespeare may be limited to
quotes but there my good man do quick bright things come to confusion.
I . . . " and for the second time that day Kuno was stopped in mid
tirade as he looked down at the director. The now *furious* director.
Upon hearing that Kuno had stopped speaking Akane's subconscious
decided to wake her up. Looking around she gasped as she saw Dougal.
He was surrounded in what appeared to be a very large battle aura.
"That's strange," she thought, "by the looks of him he doesn't seem to
practice martial arts."
In all honesty he doesn't but man oh man was he ever mad.
"Kuno get out of here NOW!!!" Dougal screamed, "BEFORE I REALLY GET
VIOLENT!" Kuno staring at the director and wisely (for a change)
decided that it would be prudent to leave. Once the door behind Kuno
was shut Dougal sighed, closed his eyes, sat down, missed the chair,
cursed softly under his breath, got up, sat down in the chair, and then
closed his eyes.
"What did he do that made you so angry?" Akane asked, cautiously
approaching Dougal.
Dougal took a deep steadying breath and said, "He broke one of the
biggest superstitions in acting." He looked up at Akane and continued,
"Akane do you know where the last quote he said came from?"
Thought her knowledge of Shakespeare was limited she knew where this
passage came from, "Sure it came from M-" She was interrupted by Dougal
placing his hand over her mouth.
"What ever you do," he told her, "do not utter a quote from this play,
nor say it's name, nor say the name of the main characters."
"Okay," she agreed not fully understanding but she agreed anyway," now
what do we do?"
Well. . .
***
At this point you may be thinking about Ranma. Where was he during all
of this? And why on earth did he miss Kuno being humiliated like that?
Well you see upon hearing Akane tell him of the play he had immediately
thought of quite a few things that had suddenly come up. Chemistry
homework, helping Kasumi with dinner, beating up on Kuno. . . breathing,
all these *important things* had to be done first.
To be completely honest Ranma didn't like plays . . . he liked acting
even less. It was one of the few things that he didn't do well. Oh!
Sure there was that one time when he was in Romeo and Juliet with Akane
but that was all for the opportunity to see *China*. That ended up not
only being a mistake, seeing that China was a Hong Kong movie star, but
Akane had tricked him with that tape. That was an experience he didn't
want to redo.
He felt bad about not helping Akane on this, but Ranma felt relived
when he was in his room back at the dojo. Well that was until he had a
visitor . . . someone who he didn't like dealing with.
"Hey! Ranma," Nabiki called to him, "I was balancing my books this
morning and I came upon quite a large sum of money that is owed to me,"
Nabiki gave her best icy mercenary stare to Ranma who quailed under it
like a frighten child, "by you."
"What do you mean?" Ranma asked back. Great, he thought, I borrowed
money off of Nabiki and I don't remember. Ranma was in a panic. How
was he going to pay her off.
"Well Saotome," she chided, "are you going to pay the 10 000 or do I
need to get the camera?"
Now Ranma was definitely worried, if there was one thing that he hated
worse than losing a fight, or acting, it was those pictures that Nabiki
always wanted from him. Sure it was an easy way to pay off debts but it
always made him feel dirty. What am I going to do, Ranma thought, where
can I . . . Like a lighting bolt it hit him, didn't Akane say that
there was a 10 000 yen pay check for doing this play. Maybe acting
isn't so bad after all. "Well if you can wait a little bit Nabiki I can
pay you off." Ranma said, showing confidence for the first time when
dealing with Nabiki.
"Oh! Really Ranma, how?" Nabiki asked in a very sarcastic tone.
"I'm gonna do that play with Akane and you'll get that money." and
before she could add in her two cents (well considering that this is
Nabiki it's probably a lot more than that) he left quickly. Gotta get
more people, he thought, if I'm going down, I'm not going alone.
Nabiki smiled as she walked back into her room and smiled as she turned
to her sister Kasumi who was waiting for her.
"Well . . ." Kasumi's voice trailed off, her eyes afire with curiosity.
"Went off without a problem sister o' mine." Nabiki bowed grandiously
to her older sister and then both of them started to giggle.
***
Well now that Ranma is wandering Nerima looking for some poor saps - I
mean fellow actors to act with him. In his big rush he passes a
building, not a particularly important building but you never know, now
do you?
***
"Well is that all you have to report." a dark voice called from the
shadows.
"Well sir," said a lackey who was not enjoying all this attention, "the
Dougal narcotic that is being produced is moving along steadily and
should reach completion in a month." There came some impatient tapping
from the CEO. "Profits from all our illegal activities have increased
by a hundred percent and there is still no indication that the police
know that the company is involved."
There came an uncomfortable, well at least for the lackey, silence.
"Good, you have done well," the CEO complimented the lackey, "soon our
company shall rule most of Japan." The maniacal laughter that followed
was pretty long showing us how evil this man is.
What should someone do? In what way does this involve Ranma? In what
relation does this have to do with this fic? What is in this authors
head? The answer to all these questions is absolutely nothing. I've
always wanted to listen in on one of those dark and mysterious
conversation. Confused yet? Believe me you will be. . . you will be.
***
While we were listening in on that conversation perhaps it is best to
recap what we missed while all that was going on. Ranma was running
through the streets heading strait for a place where he knew that he
wouldn't be turned down. Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.
Breathing heavily he was about to open the door when all of a sudden
the attack came, and there was nothing Ranma could do to stop it.
"AIREN!!", Shampoo screeched happily as she glomped onto Ranma, "Why
you go see Spatula-girl? Come take Shampoo to date."
Ranma as usual was extremely uncomfortable with this arrangement.
Despite the fact that on occasion he possed breasts he still wasn't very
comfortable with them. Especially when they belong to someone else.
"Shampoo there is something that I gotta ask Ucchan." He firmly pushed
her off him, opened the door and was immediately attacked again. This
was completely unexpected, and it caught him off guard.
"RANCHAN!", Ukyo screeched at Ranma, "I'm soooo glad to see you." Ukyo
hugged him even tighter.
Now Ranma was frustrated, he expected Shampoo to do the glomp on Ranma
thing. It was what got Ranma's attention the best, well in her mind,
and made the other girls insanely jealous. Ucchan on the other hand
however was his friend and he was not expecting this treatment from her.
"Ucchan!" he screamed frustrated, "Not you TOO?"
Ukyo looked up at Ranma, "No silly, I made a bet with Ryoga that the
next person walking in would be you and I won!" She smiled happily and
walked back into the restaurant. "Pay up sugar, I won!"
Ranma paused and thought (I might say that this is a record, this is
the second time he thought before doing anything stupid), Hey here are
two people that I can recruit for the play. With a smile on his face he
walked into Ucchan's. Grabbed the closest person, which mysteriously
enough (chortle, snicker) just happened to be Ukyo who was holding on to
Ryoga collecting her money and ran back towards Fuurinkan high with Ukyo
screaming, "Konatsu take care of things while I'm goooooooooone!" Alone
forgotten Shampoo was still stunned, on the ground in front of Ucchan's.
Well the trip was uneventful to say the least, Ranma was anxious to get
to the auditorium, Ukyo was basking in the fact that Ranma was holding
her hand and Ryoga was wondering where they were going. While they are
making the boring trip from Ucchan's Okonomiyaki to the Fuurinkan
Highschool Auditorium here is a message from our sponsor.
***
<cheesy announcers voice>
Hello friend, are you tired of being chased by hordes of girls who want
you for your body? Tired of the lustful stares of girls as you walk
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That's right, Dougal from Ran ko. (yes the company that gave you ginsu
knives) it's GIRL AWAY. It has some dumb Chinese name that we can't
remember but once you use it all of your girl trouble will go away.
Tired of getting glomped on, GIRL AWAY. Tired of flying rhythmic
gymnastic equipment, GIRL AWAY. Small okonomiyaki spatula trouble, GIRL
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So go out and get your GIRL AWAY now!
(Quick Announcer disclaimer follows)
Not recommended for use by girls of any type. That includes all
transsexuals, transvestites and any cursed people out there. Ran ko. is
not responsible for the misuse of this product.
We now return you to your fanfic, already in progress.
***
Ranma busted into the auditorium with Ukyo and Ryoga trailing behind
him. Ukyo was blushing because Ranma was holding on to her hand,
something that wasn't lost on Akane. Despite the fact that Ranma was
flirting with Ukyo (well at least to Akane) Akane was surprised to see
Ryoga there too, and for some reason *he* was blushing furiously too.
Upon hearing the door splinter open Dougal looked back and saw the
person he was looking for. "Ranma good," he called, "you made it and I
see that you brought friends."
"That I did." Ranma replied.
"So that's why he wanted us here," Ukyo thought, "he wanted to act with
me in a play." Those thoughts were way off the mark but none the less
they made Ukyo heart beat all the faster. Her thoughts continued down
this line of thought, Maybe there is a kissing scene. Soon Ukyo was
basking in thoughts of that chance, the small chance that her and Ranma
could kiss. So engrossed in her fantasy (whoa! she pulled a Ryoga) she
didn't hear Dougal until the third time he called.
"Hello miss, miss, MISS!" Ukyo finally looked at Dougal, "Ah! I see I
got your attention, third time is a charm as they say. Anyway what is
your name?" Dougal asked Ukyo.
"Ukyo. . . Ukyo Kuonji," she replied quite a bit shyly.
"Well Ukyo tell me what acting experience do you have?" Dougal asked
her.
"Well. . . ummm. . . actually . . . in all honesty. . ." Ukyo was
desperately trying to stall but unfortunately she ran out of ideas, ". .
. none."
With that statement Akane expected Dougal to break out yelling at Ranma
for bringing someone with no acting talent. Wait a minute, I'm no
actress and neither is Ranma an actor, Akane thought.
"Well at least you can admit that." Dougal calmly said, "I'll take you
through this play."
"You will sir," Ukyo beamed, "thankyouthankyouthankyou." She was happy
now she could be beside Ranma and maybe (probably not) share a kiss with
him. "What part do I get to play?" she asked.
"Well . . . " Dougal pondered exactly that, what part could she play.
He felt that she had some acting potential so a small part like Margaret
or Ursula wouldn't do. Yet he had already found his Beatrice so who did
that leave . . . Hero. "You get to play the lady Hero."
"Who is she?" Ukyo seemed full of questions today, well wouldn't you be
in her place.
Dougal sat her down to explain it to her, "You see Hero is the daughter
of Leonato the governor of Messina. She is planning to marry Claudio .
. .", he was interrupted by Ukyo stating, "Which will be played by
Ranchan right." He silenced her with a glance that made her cower
slightly in her clothes, "To continue she is disgraced by Don John the
prince's bastard brother who does it just to cause trouble for everyone.
But in the end she ends up marrying Claudio and yadda, yadda, yadda you
know the usual happy ending stuff."
Ranma looked at Dougal because he was a little bit confused, "Well what
part do me and Akane get?"
"Well that's easy," Dougal smiled, "you two get to play Sir Benedick
and the Lady Beatrice two of the most hard headed people in Messina.
They both want to live bachelor lives and spend most of the play
insulting each other." Dougal didn't want to admit that the rest of the
play is the other characters trying to get those two people together.
It wasn't malice or the fact that he wanted those two to be together
that prevented his tongue from completing the description, it was
survival instinct pure and simple.
"Now that's something I'm good at," Ranma smiled, "I get to spend my
time insulting this uncute tomboy who - ugfh." The last sound effect
was courtesy of Akane ramming her elbow into his stomach. That promptly
started another argument between the two of them.
Dougal looked at the two people and silently shook his head, "Do they
do that all the time?" he asked Ukyo.
"Actually yes they do," she answered, "they don't look like fiancees do
they." The last statement made Dougal promptly choke.
"You mean that they are engaged?" He asked incredulously not really
believing that.
"Yup, Ranma honey is engaged to her, me and has two other girls chasing
him. One's this little hussy named Shampoo and the other is this
psychotic chick named Kodachi." Ukyo explained to him. "You see it all
started when . . ."
Well instead of listening in on this little trip down memory lane, or
paying attention to the battle that was raging not a few feet away we'll
look upon the only person who was not mentioned in this past few pages.
Ryoga.
***
Ryoga sat there amazed by what he had heard. Akane and Ranma were
going to be acting in this play as Benedick and Beatrice. Now Ryoga had
seen this play done in Stratford while he was . . . uh . . .
sightseeing. Anyway he knew what the story was about. The director was
right Benedick and Beatrice spend most of their time fighting but the
rest of the cast spend most of the play trying to get them together in
some semblance of love. Ryoga couldn't, wouldn't and wasn't going to
stand for that, there had to be some way to stop them.
While Ryoga was mentally wrestling with himself he pulled the usual
grab my hair and shake my head maneuver whenever he was truly
frustrated. Unknowing to him that the argument had finished (guess how,
here's a hint: BIG hammer, *BANG* put two and two together) and the
trip down memory lane pulled into the terminal.
"Who pray tell are you?" Dougal demanded of Ryoga.
"Well my name is Ryoga, Ryoga Hibiki."
Author's Note: Hello every one, hey this is neat. Here I am on the
paper. HI MOM! Hey this is great. What!? Oh! Ya! Sorry! Have you
noticed that so far all the introductions have followed the same
pattern: First Name, First Name Last Name. Just thought that all you
people who get hung up on *proper* Japanese usage would like to know.
And about that, first things first, it's fanfiction and not a serious
dissertation on Japanese culture, don't worry about it. Second, this is
written in English; therefore I will try to use English when I introduce
characters. Third, if you have that much time on your hands to worry
about things like that you're right up there with people who watch
animation frame by frame looking for something "inappropriate" and the
guy who found out that licking the back of certain frogs give you the
same effect as coccaine. Just don't lick the frog man!
<Now back to the story>
"Well what are you here for?"
"Well I saw the advertisement and I thought that I would audition for
the play?"
Dougal looked at him a bit skeptically, "you know the auditions were
yesterday." Before Ryoga could reply Ranma, after recovering from
Akane's hammer, butted in.
"Don't worry about him, he has no sense of direction, eh P-chan."
Ranma taunted.
"I thought your name was Ryoga." Dougal asked now almost completely
confused.
"Who are you calling P-chan you pervert." Ryoga yelled back at Ranma
completely ignoring Dougal. Now Dougal was now totally confused.
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