Subject: [FFML] [MST] Mystery Science Theatre 3.35 - 'Oscar's "Ranma's Biggest Adventure"
From: UkyouKwnji@aol.com
Date: 11/14/1998, 11:19 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Well, here it is, folks... my first crack at a
genuine MST.  Hope ya'll like it.

Itsu mo,
Ucchan   ^_^

Sorry about the attachment, BTW, but it's
too big to send otherwise.  UK  ^_~

TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS
LOCK YOUR DOORS
BOARD YOUR WINDOWS
GRAB YOUR HANDGUNS
(am I getting a little carried away here?)

<Singing> "The old grey future ain't what she useta be..."

MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATRE 3.35

PREMIERE: RANMA'S BIGGEST ADVENTURE
(A Ranma 1/2/Crossover 'Oscar'fic MSTing)

MST'd from Upstairs at the Ucchan

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.  
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment 
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or 
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be 
inferred.  Besides, they aren't using Joel, or Dr. Forrester, or 
TV's Frank anymore... what harm if I borrow them?

All random references to anime characters, songs, et cetera are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.  Just 
gotta cover my own fanny...

Ranma 1/2 is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all licensed 
distributors of her work.

Sailor Moon is the property of Naoko Takeuchi and all licensed 
distributors of *her* work.

Dragon Ball is the property of Akira Toriyama and all licensed
distributors of his work.

(I could go on like this for some time, but I don't even recognize
some of the references made in this fic.  Suffice to say that 
the aforementioned disclaimer applies to each of 'em... just 
substitute the anime in question and its respective creator.)

"Ranma's Biggest Adventure" is allegedly the property of Oscar 
and he's welcome to it.  I do not intend to offend this person 
for making fun of his/her work like this but I figure it's only 
a matter of time before someone does...  and as that someone 
would say,  "Think of this as another form of C&C."  ;)

A warning... this isn't precisely a lemon, but it does contain
a fair amount of explicit language, and some that isn't quite 
clear... kinda like when you used to listen to the the Kingsmen's
recording of "Louie, Louie" trying to figure out if the lyrics were
dirty or not.  If that sorta thing bothers you, then you're free to 
delete this fic, and it's gone.  Otherwise, enjoy.

"Can we get this thing *started*, already?"

Okay, okay...  Cue the theme, please...

In the not-too-distant future,
This Saturday, you see
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hated him
So they shot him into space!!!!

(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)

We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find  (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind  (lalala)

Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fics begin or end  (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT:
'Text only'?

Gypsy:
'Sorry, guys...'

Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'

CROOOOOOOW!!!
'What'd I say?'

If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts  (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 3.35!!


***


THE HOLOCABANA
21:30 HOURS

Joel was enjoying a drink with Akane, but for once, it wasn't the
Tendo girl. 

"So... you mean you really have the power to cloud men's minds,
huh?  Just like the Shadow?"

Kasuga Akane blinked.  "Who?"

"Uh... never mind."  Joel made a mental note to keep future 
references to American pop culture more current.  Akane grinned
at his apparant confusion.

"Anyway, as you were saying, I can indeed.  The power of suggestion
makes for such a fun plaything."

Joel's eyebrows arched at her choice of words.  "Care to give me
a demonstration?" he asked as he leaned in on her slightly.

She backed her chair away from him just far enough that their
faces were still as far away from each other as before.  "Already 
doing it, Joel.  See your friend Tom, over there?"  She waved 
absently down the end of the bar, where bubblegum-dispenser-headed
Tom Servo sat, making idle chitchat with Lum Redut.  The atmosphere 
around Tom and Lum seemed a little smokier than at the rest of the 
bar, but it wasn't that out of the ordinary.

Joel shrugged as he watched the two of them.  "Looks like he's 
doing pretty well."

"That's not Lum."

"Oh, no?"  Joel spun around to face Akane.  "So who is it he's 
talking to, anyway?"

"It's more like *what*... but you can see for yourself," the ESPer 
grinned.  Joel watched as the cloud of smoke began to dissipate, 
just as Tom had gotten up the nerve to kiss his favorite alien.  
The robot leaned in on Lum... only to find himself kissing a fellow 
bubblegum dispenser.  "They make a cute couple, don't they?"

Joel grinned back at her as Tom glowered in their direction; no mean
feat, as the dispenser that served as his head didn't generally 
allow for much in the way of expression.  "That was a really dirty
trick, guys!"

Kasuga Akane laughed musically and transformed into Crow T. Robot.
"Yeah, well... you shoulda seen the look on your face.  Come on, 
you didn't really think you were gonna *score* with her or nothin',
didja?  It was either that, or I was gonna send in Ataru to jolt 
you with a little divine retribution of his own."

Leaving the gumball machine behind, Tom hovered over to Crow and 
Joel.  He stared Crow right in the face.  "You're just jealous
because Lum like me better than you."

Crow's eyes rolled.  "Oh, puh-leeze."

Suddenly Gypsy's voice crackled over the intercom.  "Sorry, Joel... 
the Young Einsteins are calling..."

"Yahoo."  Joel twirled his finger in the air in a gesture of 
non-enthusiasm.

"Be serious."

"Right there, Gyps."


***


DEEP 13


Dr. Clayton Forrester grinned as he stared into the viewscreen. 
He had a special... treat... for Joel and his tinpots, but he decided 
that it was best not to overplay his hand just yet.

"Well, boobies, I'll let you go first for this week's invention 
exchange.  Best of luck to you... after all, you'll want to go out 
in a blaze of glory, right?"

Joel gave Dr. Forrester a puzzled look, but proceeded.  "Well sir, 
you know how sometimes, when you're reading a really good fanfic, 
it almost feels like it belongs in the regular canon?"

"Since when have I been giving you any good fanfics?"  Dr. Forrester 
wheeled on his assistant.  "Frank?!"

"I haven't sent them anything but what you've selected.  Honestly!"  
T.V.s Frank protested his innocence.

"Besides," Crow interrupted, bringing the attention of the inhabitants 
of Deep 13 back to the viewscreen, "since when has Frank shown any 
clue that he can tell the difference between a good fanfic or a bad one?"

Dr. Forrester nodded his understanding, as T.V.s Frank wondered 
whether or not he'd just been insulted as Joel resumed his description.  
"We have our ways, sir... but that's beside the point.  Sometimes, you 
find a fic so good, you can practically hear the characters as you read. 
This little thing here," and he held up what appeared to be a palm-size 
scanner, "takes fanfiction that final step, from merely imagining the 
voices of the characters, to actually hearing them."  He held up a sheaf 
of papers.  "Take this selection from Benares' 'Stepping Stones,' for 
instance..."

He set the papers down on the bridge console, and began to run the 
scanner over the sheet.  The voice of Kelly Sheridan, Ukyou's English-
language voice actress, rang out:

    "'What do I have to show for my life, eh?' I said as I took the 
bottle out of the cabinet, closing the mirror and looking back 
at the tired face with anger.  'Okonomiyaki.  I'm an OKONOMIYAKI 
cook.'  My words were said in a way that was meant to sting, each 
word dripping with venomous sarcasm.  I wanted to hurt now.  It was 
the only way I could force myself to go through with this.
    "'I get courted by Tsubasa all the time.  And KUNOU, we CAN'T 
forget Kunou."
    "I opened the bottle top.
    "'The only people I ever see come because they feel SORRY for me.'
    "I poured the contents of the bottle into my hand.
    "'And one of those people is the only man I've ever loved, a man 
that is MARRIED and has a CHILD.'
    "I tossed the emptied bottle to the floor of my bathroom. I watched 
carefully as it clattered to the ground, rolling across the wooden 
tiles and coming to a slow stop in the crease where the floor and 
wall met.  I looked back up at the reflection of the Japanese woman 
and nearly spat at the revulsion I felt at the sight of this person 
I loathed.  It was all this woman's fault! My life was garbage 
because of HER!  Tears began to well in the despised woman's eyes.
    "'A man that I'll NEVER HAVE!'"

One could almost imagine a proud smile on Tom Servo's face as he 
explained, "We've taken voiceprints from both Japanese and North 
American seiyuus, and as this scanner's OCR software reads the 
words, it bends the voiceprint samples to fit appropriately around 
each printed word.  So it sounds like the anime character's actually 
reading the story."

Again, Dr. Forrester nodded as Joel added, "You can set it for simple 
narration, or ensemble acting.  That setting's a little buggy, but it 
works pretty well when you're using a fic written in script format.  
Or, if you prefer the 'as-read-by-the-author' effect, we have a limited 
collection of authors' voiceprints, too.  We also have a few celebrities,
too, if your taste runs that way..."

"Well, that little performance Ms. Sheridan put on was worthy of an 
Oscar... and speaking of which, what celebrity's voice would you *use* 
for Oscar's?  I assume you don't have any samples of *his* dulcet tones."

Joel and the bots looked at each other nervously, and then at the 
viewscreen.  "Well, we hadn't considered that anyone would ever WANT 
to read something by him... but in a pinch, we could probably use samples 
of Pee-Wee Herman's voice in lieu of his."

Dr. Forrester nodded.  "Appropriate... I must say, I approve of your 
selection, much as I usually hate everything you do..."

While it went against his better judgement to ask, Tom Servo was 
dying of curiosity.  "Uh... why'd you ask about Oscar, anyway?  He's 
not turning out fanfics now that he's dead, right?"

"Well, that's a topic of some debate, my little friend, and it serves 
as my contribution to our little exchange.  Yes, Oscar is dead, but that 
only serves to assist me in fulfilling my requirements."

"Requirements?"

"Oh my, yes.  As a card-carrying member of the Fraternal Order of 
Mad Scientists, I am required to reanimate, if you'll pardon the pun, 
dead tissue, at least once every few years.  Even young Frahnkensteen..."

"Who?" Crow blinked.

"Frahnkensteen."

Joel and the bots looked at each other.  "You mean Frankenstein, don't
you?"

"Well, yes, *I* do, but he didn't.  Anyway, even *he* couldn't get 
admission to the club without doing so, regardless of his illustrious 
heritage.  At any rate, I have been doing some experiments in order to 
meet my membership requirements, and decided it would allow me to deal 
with you insolent ignorant idiots all in one fell swoop.

"So, in lieu of an invention this week, I give you... Oscar."  

Dr. Forrester noted with some satisfaction the the screams emanating 
from the Satellite of Love could be heard all the way down in Deep 13 
*without* the use of the viewscreen, whose sound he had muted upon his 
announcement for just such an eventuality.  He wagged a finger at its 
inhabitants.

"Well... I seems I've touched a nerve, have I?"  At this, Joel and the 
bots quickly attempted to compose themselves.  "That's better... after 
all, we don't want you boys blowing your gaskets before the fic's 
started, do we?"

A shaky sneer formed in Tom's circuits.  "You brought Oscar back to 
life, just for *us*?  Gee, Dr. F., you *really* shouldn't have.  And 
I mean that from the bottom of my, uh... canister."

Dr. Forrester waved his hand modestly.  "Ah-ah-ah... no thanks are 
necessary..."

"None were extended..." Crow muttered through his clenched beak.

"Just the sight of your faces at the news is more than thanks enough."  
If Dr. Forrester had heard Crow's comment, he hid it well.

"Now hold on," Joel said, looking the doctor straight in the eye.  
"We've seen Oscar imitators before.  What kind of proof do you have 
that you've got the real thing?  I mean, it's not like you've *showed* 
him to us... not that we'd recognize him on sight in any case..."

"Unless we stripped him naked," Crow pointed out.

Joel winced and closed his eyes.  "Please, don't go there, Crow..."

It was hard to determine which thing infuriated Dr. Forrester more: 
the fact that Joel had challenged his claim, or that he was now 
ignoring him to reprove that birdbrained yellow robot of his.  "Proof?  
You want proof?  Fine... it'll teach you to challenge a mad scientist.  
Send 'em the fanfic, Frank."

"Roger-dodger, Steve."


***


SATELLITE OF LOVE

Tom Servo was vascillating between terrified and livid.  "Ohhh, man... 
we're in for it now.  You just HAD to get him pissed at us, didn't 
you?"

"Calm down, Tom..." Joel said, although there was a bit of a catch 
to his voice.  "I think he's just bluffing.  He hasn't got the 
intelligence to reanimate a cockroach, let alone Oscar."

"Not that there's a difference, mind you..." muttered Crow.

Suddenly, alarms and sirens rang out.  The bridge of the satellite 
shook as it was bathed in red light.

"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT OSCARFIC SIGN!!!"  Joel cried out.

(Door 6: It slides open on both sides.)

(Door 5: It looks like brick, but if you smack in with a battle 
 spatula, Tsubasa pops out and runs off.)

(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by-YEOWCH! "Sorry." 
 Damn techies.)

(Door 3: It's a solid wall of water.  An old guy with a long white 
 beard raises his arms, and the waters part.  You pass through, not 
 noticing as another guy takes the old man's wallet.)

(Door 2: It's a sheet of green fire.  A few moments, though, and
 it burns out.)

(Door 1: A swirling blue vortex sucks you through to the final portal.)

(Door .35: A beam of light shoots out from a hatch in the floor. 
 You walk into it.)

Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms, 
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.  Stepping 
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his 
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to 
him, Crow sitting on his right.

Crow: Say... why's the door sequence changing again?

Joel: Different writer, I think... 

Tom: Not to mention a few shameless plugs.

Crow: Where?  I didn't see 'em.

Tom: Something to do with 'Pencils,' I think.

Crow: You read 'Pencils'?

Tom: Someone had to.  Besides, it's better than this crap Dr. F sends
us.


---
The Digital Penguin!


Joel:  As fought by Terry Jones in "Scott of the Antarctic"!

Tom: Wasn't that "Scott of the Sahara"?


I Am The Best Writer!


Crow: Yup, it's Oscar.  Same old ego.

(Tom begins vibrating violently)

Joel: Hey, take it easy, guys.  We still don't know that yet.  
Besides, we've survived what?  Three assaults by him? and lived 
to tell about it... we can manage this one just fine.  All we 
gotta do is stay frosty, okay?

Tom: (has stopped vibrating momentarily) Joel, you say that 
every time we have to sit here and read an Oscarfic, and I 
*still* don't know why.  What are we to you, some kinda 
sugared cereal?

Crow: Maybe we could be an ice cream desert.  I've always wanted 
to be eaten by Skuld.

Joel: Crow... 

Crow: Well, wouldn't you?


http://pages.whowhere.com/internet/digital_penguin

Get your FREE E-mail at http://mailcity.lycos.com
Get your PERSONALIZED START PAGE at http://personal.lycos.com


Joel: Lycos.  As personally endorsed by Oscar(TM)

Tom: A damn good reason to stay away from it, if you ask me.


--------------------
Ramna's Bigest Adventure
by Oscar peredor


Joel: (singing) Soy un perdedor...

Tom: Maybe it's 'Moon Over Parador' (turns around, bends over)

Joel: Tom...

Crow: You know, it just doesn't have the same shock effect that 
human flesh does... why don't YOU moon the fic, Joel?


Authers notes:
Hi!  <hugz> 


Tom: Uh... he's invading our personal space, here...


Um, hi!~ 


Crow: You just SAID that!

Joel: Yeah, well... he left off the "Um" last time.

Tom: No kidding... and how d'ya pronounce '~', anyway?

Joel: (turning to Tom) Well, how did YOU just pronounce it?

Tom: (blinks) I have no idea...


My name is Oscar and Im wiritn g a fanfic based 
on my favorite anime series, Ranma 1/2!  Its called Rnama's 
Biggest Adventure, and I hope you'll all like it!  


Tom: I seriously doubt it.

Crow: That he hopes we'll like it?

Tom: That, too.


I t festures 


Tom: It festers?

Crow: I'd believe it.


a hole lot of anime chataters form other series!<grins>


Joel: Somebody send this one down the memory hole.

Crow: I can think of another hole to stick this into.

Joel: Crow...

Crow: Well, it'd explain why he's grinning so much...

Joel: CROW!!


Enjoy <grins>  Baibai!


Tom:  Baibai?  You mean... it's over already?

Joel:  Sorry, little buddies... it's just beginning.

Bots:  WAAAAAAAAAHH!


Ranmas Bigest Adventure
***

Once.  upon a time, therwas a place called Tokyo.


Joel: There.  still is, lastime I checked.

Crow: You mean Godzilla hasn't destroyed it yet?

Tom: Nah, that was New York this time.

Joel: Besides, this guy sounds more like William Shatner than... 
whoever it was that was in Godzilla.

Tom: You do mean that literally, don't you?  IN Godzilla?
(makes chewing noises)


Ranma and Aksne were in the dojo, sparring.  
Ranma looked at Akane and said "Akae, youre relly good now! 


Tom: (imitating Akane) Ranma, who's this Akae, and what makes 
her so good, you pervert!  (swings mallet)

Joel: (imitating Ranma) No, look, Akane, I can explain!  It's 
all a misunderstanding!  It's a typo, see?  I was complimenting 
*you*!

Tom: (imitating Akane) You expect me to believe that?  You
NEVER compliment me when you're in character?!

Crow: Well, duh.  He isn't.

Tom: (drops mallet) ...


Lets go have an adventre!"  


Tom: I've got a better idea - why not let the adventure come 
to us?

Crow: (imitating Beavis or Butt-head) Huh-huh... he said 'come.'

Joel: (smacks Crow on the beak)  Cut it out... they're off the 
air already.

Crow: Yeah, well... so're you.

Joel: ...


Ranma lened forwared to kiss her.


Joel: This canNOT be happening.

Tom: No kidding.  Since when would Ranma kiss Akane?  And how 
the hell d'ya 'len,' anyway?

Crow: Same way you pronounce '~'

Tom: I HAD to ask.


Jst then wall blew up, an Hibeeki Ryoag camed in the dojo. 


Crow: Aw, please, Joel... can't I say something?

Joel: Is it necessary?

Crow: (blinks) Uh... not really, now, is it?

Joel: Right.


"Royga! Akane sad 


Tom: Yeah, I'm no fan of P-chan, either...


and Ramna fall on his fac 


Joel: FAC: Frequently Articulated Comments about Ryoga and Akane.

Crow: Just the fac, ma'am.


when she run over too him. "Akane my love!"  Ryoga and he went ovr 
too hug her. He grabbed her tits an she skweeled she waz so happy, 


Crow: I'd take that bit back about P-chan, Tom.  If she's gonna 
skweel, she's perfect for him.

Tom: I've never heard anyone 'skweel' before.

Crow: It sounds like this: "~~! ~~!"

Tom: Will you cut that out?!


they go up in the house and Ranam blink "Hay! Where you gone Aknae?

*meanwhile..*


Joel: Back at the ranch...

Crow: Hey, I thought Akane was gonna be UNdressing.

Joel: Crow...


in another part of tTokyo, Ray Ayanai looked at her eva 


Joel: Isn't that supposed to be Tokyo-3?

Tom: As opposed to t-Tokyo?


and sad, "This is soo keel!  


Joel: Well, she's sad.  That's in character, anyway...


rei then diecdd that she was the bestest eva pilot that ther was.  
Ans that she also needed somebody that would love he, 


Tom: You mean she dissed the best EVA pilot there was?

Crow: Hoo boy, she should know better than get Shinji mad at her...

Joel: Shinji...?


htat would makee her feel special.  


Crow: No tickee, no makee...


"Thinking, she thought, I know, Ill go find my bestest friend, 
Ausca Langli Shoryo.  She hasd got a gud ifdea.


Tom: 'Thinking, she thought'... geez, redundant much?

Joel: Asuka's got an ifdea?

Tom: It's got something to do with tildes, I bet.  Ha!  I got 
in a joke about it before you guys did!

Crow: ~~~

(Tom growls at Crow)


*bak in space*(


Tom: There are pigs?

Crow: We're lost?

Joel: (imitating Robby the Robot) Danger, Ryoga Hibiki!  Danger!


Master! Master" a voice caled out.  Master!  We have found the 
Sailer Senshi!  Their on that earth-like planet over my the sun!


Joel: Earth-*like* planet?

Tom: *Your* sun?

Crow: Yeah... and why would the servant own the sun?

Joel: For tax purposes?

(The bots look at Joel)

Joel: What?


The master looed doun ath er underlings.  UNderlings.! 


Crow: (imitating the master) Underlings!  Bring me my Underoos!


she sdai, "What is the name of this planet.

"It is called Eart, yout majesty, th3e yunderling said."


Joel: So, it's actually an Eart-like planet...


The m,aster pointd with her han dand said go therwe!


Joel: Setting coordinates for Therwe...

Crow: Just han dand-y.


*at the dijo*


Tom: Reader's Dijo?

Crow: It *would* be nice if this thing were condensed.

Tom: It'd be even nicer if it were evaporated.


"So Ryoogas up their screqing my Akne, Ramma tought. 


Crow: You know, that sounds like it's gotta hurt.

Tom: Haven't I read somewhere recently about Ryouga's, uh, 
excessive force?

Crow: Yeah, but I'm talking about Akane getting 'screqed'.  That
just sounds painful.


"We;ll see abot that..." an Ranma lauged with cold watr 
ove rher hed making her turn intwo a girl with read hare 


Tom: Red hare?  I didn't know Bugs was a Viking.

Crow: (imitating Elmer Fudd) Kill duh wabbit, kill duh wabbit...


and big boobs. 


Joel: Well, no one's arguing that Ranma can be a big boob at times.

Tom: Must be the anime version of Ranma-chan.

Crow: To which I say... Woo hoo!


Up she went to were Royga and Aknae are fucking and she pull Akane 
off him 


Joel: And just when Akane's having fun, too...

Crow: Yeah, but Akane doesn't like boys...

Joel: You're still thinking of the girl you were playing in the 
Holocabana...


       and start fuckin him. 


All: (facefault)


Aknae yelled and was hiting Ramna but Ryooga says "Ill get back two u 
l8r Akan I fuckin Ramna now." So Akamne say okay 


Tom: (imitating Akane) Oh, okay.  I don't mind being pushed off of
you so that you can screw my fiancee... where's my mallet?


and go off to cock dinnr.


Crow: Cock dinner?

Joel: Not another word, Crow...

Crow: You kidding?  Why swat a fly with a Buick?

Tom: Well, it gives a whole new meaning to "Guess Who's 
Coming to Dinner..."

Joel: TOM!!

 
Then Ramna came and just then they seen a spacship fall down 


Tom: (imitating Ryoga) Did the earth move for you?

Crow: (imitating Ranma-chan) No, but the spaceship fell...


out the windoe and Royga said "Look it a spacship" and Ranma said 


Crow: Yeah, that'd be the first thing *I'd* be doing after sex...
staring out the window.


"It may be inavdrs you know like on Tv." So she got up and yelled 
out "Sayan Power!" but sense she was alredy nakid she just got a 
sailer sut and flew out the windoe as Sailer Sayan so she could 
find out who was in the spacship.


Crow: Y'know, some people just smoke after sex.

Tom: I think those are vapor trails behind Ranma-chan, Crow...

Crow: Some kinda gas, anyway...

Joel: Crow...


in anotehr aprt of Tokyo supe rSailer Usaig Moon was buy 
watvhing her friends eat.  she wasnt hungry and since she was 
the most sreponsibvle of the Senshi, she decided not to eat.  


Tom: This has GOT to be a put-on job.

Crow: Yeah... Usagi, responsible?

Joel: Usagi, not eat?


Lookign up. she sayt eh space ship and sed, Look a! spaceship!


Joel: Eh, spaceship?  This is Tokyo, not Toronto!


Hwer fredn Sailro Mars looed at her and sai dno dummy!  that's nowt 
a spac3eship,. that's a nevil ryoki!  


Tom: An evil Ryo-ohki?

Crow: Tonight on Geraldo... when cabbits go bad.

Tom: (imitating Emo Phillips) Baaaad coleslaw.

Crow: I said CABBITS, not cabbage!

Joel: Guys, it says Nevil... maybe it's Ryo-ohki's English cousin.

Tom: There's an England in the Tenchi universe?

Joel: (doing the "V for victory sign, imitating Winston Churchill)
 There will always... be an England.


Stranding up, she stood like a hero asn siad, I am sailo rMARS!  
i ANS


Tom: Iams.  The pet food endorsed by Oscar.

Crow: No, I'd say it's the pet food that IS Oscar.

Joel: Huh?

Crow: When I get my hands on him, he's dog meat.


oPPS.  cAPS.


Tom:  (turns to Joel)  You know, this *can't* be Oscar.

Joel:  No?  He makes all the mistakes Oscar ever did.

Tom:  Yeah, but he just admitted to one.

Joel:  (thoughtful look) ...


The inctrduble mars soailor and her others said, Ass I am Raye 
Hinoyu, I w9ill defeat that everil spaceship!  "


Tom: Mars Soiler?

Crow: Well, she mentioned her ass...

Tom: Eww... Joel, may I?

Joel: (nods)

Tom: Thank you.  CROW!


putgint her hands together, she ptu thenm gforweard and yelled a 
screem of Dragon slve! and a big red beam came out and huit the 
ship as it land3d over by Tokyo.


Joel: Dragon slve?  Salve?

Crow: It's for Raye's ass...

Tom: Don't make me say it again, Crow...


At the momwnt, Sailo Usagee lookd real sad. shw was.  So sad that 
shge creied.  


Tom: She did.

Joel: That'll happen when you're sad.


o Sailr oMaros went ofveer ad said, "serna, why do you cry?  


Tom: (imitating Usagi) Because I wanted some of that Dragon Salve,
too!  Wahh!

Crow: (imitating Rei) Oh, kiss my ass, Usagi.

Joel: Guys...


ANd Princes Serenatiy sad, you dont love me any.more.

And saior mars kisse her and squeled, yes Ido! Ad thy ran off 
and got marries.


Joel: (blinks) Where did THAT come from?

Crow: Dunno, but it's obviously more important that dealing with
that spaceship, eh?


*and*

Royko lookesd at Tenxhi and said, I dot loce you anymore.  Now I 
loce Aykea.


Crow: Well, wasn't that a tender moment.

Tom: (to Joel) And you thought the LAST sentance was confusing.


*Bak to Ramna*


Tom: Who is apparantly, still at the ranch.


Salier Sayan flew on the space shp an said "Come out or in the name 
of trtle I punich you!"


Tom: (imitating Sailor Sayan) This is for Rafael! And take that for 
Donatello!  And take this for Michelangelo!  And *that* one's for...

Joel: We get the idea, Tom.


Them ship open and 5 girls came out one had a tiger biniki with 
strips 


Crow: Hotcha!  An intergalactic strip show!  Talk about some heavenly 
bodies!


and said "My name Lum, and I come hear to kill the Sailer Senshi 
Scouts an take over the plant." 


Joel: Wouldn't it be easier just to buy 51% percent of the voting 
stock?  Then you could take over the whole company, not just the 
plant.

Tom: Joel, I'm starting to worry about you...


Sailer sayan said I not letting you do this horibul things! and Lum 
laufhed and said stoppid litl Bitch u can defeet my generals


Joel: Lum seems rather confident of her adversary.

Tom: I never expected to see Lum fight Ranma... even if he IS done 
up as a stupid Sailor Scout.

Crow: Hey, I resent that!  You calling the Sailor Scouts stupid?

Tom: No, just this one.

Crow: Oh... well, that's different.


The other 4 girls has black brown c-thru an leppard bkins an 


Joel: Let me get this straight... they're wearing black/brown 
see-through leopard-skin bikinis.

Tom: That has got to be one strange pattern.

Crow: Hey, as long as there ain't much of it, who cares?


sais We r genrals for Lum ands were goin to kil u!

Sailer Sayan says No I dont think so": an Lum told "Ok 


Tom: Well, that's nice.  Alien invaders who're open to other 
suggestions besides killing.

Crow: That's 'kiling', Tom.  One 'l'.  And a tilde.

Tom: Will you STOP with the tildes already?

Crow: (whistles 'Waltzing Mathilda')

Joel: Uh... guys?


were goin to play tag with your plants best warrer an if he can tuch 
all 5 of me us with him dick we go back home 


Joel: All five of me... Lum's gone schizoid on us, here.

Crow: Wait... so this champion's gotta touch their tush?
He does that, they're *never* gonna wanna leave.

Tom: Better stock up on Dragon Salve.


but if not we take over plant from u ok?  And Sailer Sayan got 
hot water and made her a boy agin an say to Lum ":You got deel.:


Joel: Paging Monty Hall...

Crow: (imitating Monty Hall) I'll give you an extra five hundred 
dollars if you can come up another one of those black/brown/
see-through/leopard-skin bikinis...


And Ranma putted on a c-thru beekini of h8is own asnd he seded, 


Crow: Close enough.


"I am trhe bvestest there is and I am going to sho ytou the bestest!  


Tom: Uh... if he's the bestest, isn't he ALREADY showing them the
bestest?

Joel: No, wait... Rei Ayanami was the bestest.

Crow: No, she *dissed* the bestest.

Joel: Rei dissed Ranma?


And he yeled Moco Tsubaesa and the big hurricane went upa nd hitted 
a;; of Lums genreals 


Tom:  Moko Tsubasa?  Transvestite's Roaring Bullet?

Joel: Maybe it's Mocha Tsubasa... the kid's digusing himself as a 
cup of coffee this time around.


and turneded them into robots with heds like jely.  


Tom: I'd have preferred Jell-o pudding, myself.


Thje Jellyobts loked an TRanma and sed, "you!" are our nw leader 
ans we will do anything for you! 


Joel: I'd say that's proof their heads turned to jelly, wouldn't you?


and Rmana said you must ind the miogty SDragn Bals, fo they wioll 
make me super strong and  reallyt cule, too  So the rpovbots luked 
at hoimand sed


Tom: Hey!  It's Hoimand's Hoimits!

Crow: (singing) Something tells me we're on to something bad...


YeS!  QWe Will d oas yousay!  Amd the yt fle woff.  RaMNA GOT BOErd 
and said to Lum, Im bvored.  And Lum sad, so mm ai and they got on 
the ground and begna to fuked.  


Crow: That's as good a reason as any, I guess...


And Akane sd I wanna do it too and got Kusumi adn began to 
sixtytnione hr.


Crow: (imitating Kasumi) Oh my... you taste so good, Akane.

Joel: Crow...

Tom: It's GOT to be better than her cooking.

Joel: Tom!


And Royuga sdaid, I must gfinsd thwe gragon Balls sd I xcan be great! 
And he left.

*meanwhilwe in L Hazrd......*


Crow: It's hazardous work on the ranch.

Tom: (imitating Woody) I've got a snake in my boots!


Mukodo and Nanommi saw the Buggrem and Jeneye 


Crow: Makodo and Nanomi are buggering Jinnai?

Joel: Crow...


an Deeva walkng thru the dessert an went over to them an 


Tom: That's gotta be a problem, getting all that chocolate sauce
off of their feet.


Jeneye lauged an said So you come to say I one and give me L Hazrd! 
An Makodo say No we come cause I going to merrie Nanomi and wood u 
come to the weding" but Jeney just lauged and lauged 


Joel: That's one toaster they don't have to worry about getting.

Tom: Not to mention one thank-you note they don't have to write.


so they went home but Jeneye had a plan "I going to wate 4 them 2 go 
on hunymoon and then I go in and fuk both of them together with my 
big cock" 


Crow: Ah, so Jinnai's gonna bugger Makodo and Nanomi.

Joel: Crow!


and Deeva came and Jeneye lauged and stared beeting him preist in 
her face.


Tom: Jinnai's beating Deeva's priest?

Crow: Well, she doesn't have any meat to beat...

Joel: CROW!

Crow: All right, all right... geez...


And just when she waz an trouble, the great Devil hunter Bluy seed 
woman jmumped out ansd said, "I amd Yoko and in the name of the moon 


Joel: This canNOT be happening.

Tom: (imitating Inigo Montoya) You keep using that phrase. I doona 
think it means what you think it means.

Joel: It means I can't believe this: confusing Blue Seed with Devil
Hunter Yohko with Sailor Moon.  This can't be Oscar; he knows too 
much.

Crow: I dunno... he's using 'em all wrong.  Maybe he's just 
namedropping so we *think* he knows something.

Tom: Well, I'm not fooled.

Crow: You know, Joel... if you're right, the fact that this guy 
knows too much would be grounds for having him killed in your 
typical spy or gangster flick.

Tom: Hey, I'm hip.


I will beat yu up and in out of nowhere she pulleded out 


Crow: (imitating Cleavon Little) 'Scuse me while I whip this out...

Tom: (imitating townsfolk) AAIIIIEE!! (hides behind Joel)


a really big sword it was so sharp 


All: HOW SHARP WAS IT?


that it wou.d cut. 


Crow: Not much of a punchline.  Should had at least *something* 
about Ginsu...

Tom: What would it cut, anyway?

Joel: Tomatoes and tin cans, right?


The evil bad guys.


Tom: Oh, That clears *that* up, I guess.


They bed guys looked at her and sed Oh no ist Yoko and they did.


Joel: Ono Yoko...?  What a terrible joke.

Tom (imitating cute girl in MPFC) But it's my only line!

Crow: (rolling eyes) If only it were...


And yoko sad My job is done ansd went lookiung for the Dragen Bals.  


Crow: (imitating Lone Ranger Yohko) My job is done here... Hiyo, 
Silver, AWAAAY!!


*In Tenchie land*


Tom: Right down the street from Otakuland.



Mihoshiy siad, I am so smart!

And everyond said, sh is so smart!@  NAd they all laughjed.\


Tom: (blows whstle) Unnecessary roughness, on Oscar.  Fifteen yard 
penalty!  Taking a dig at Mihoshi for being a low-watt bulb... what, 
is 'Oscar' thinking we'll start thinking he's smart in comparison?

Joel: Coming from 'Oscar', here, I'd say this is a serious case of 
the pot and the kettle.

Crow: Pot, huh?  That would explain a few things...


*And bak to Ranma*


Crow: Aaaand we're back.

Tom: I'd love to turn my back on this fic.


THem genirals an Royga lookin for draginbalz but the cudlnt find enny 
so the gave up an when the genrals go back 2 Ramna one says Hey I 
tink I see a dragin bal" but it was won it was a pokey bal but it had 
Peekachew in it so they took it bak to wher Ranna an Lum was fuking 
an shoed it to them an Lum thaught it was cut so. 


Tom: Yoko Ono back there must have cut it.


did Ramna so they keep it an start looking for more pokey men.

Rygoa seen them wit the pokey bal and taught hmself If I get that 4 
Akne she will be happi and she will fuk me" 


Tom: Ryouga wants Akane to be Happi?

Crow: And *then* he wants to fuck her?

Bots: EWW!


so he look for one an he find onebut it was nothin in it. 
Then he say hey wait I turn to pee 


Crow: Even *I'm* not gonna touch that.


chan and put my in it and give it to Aknae. So he put watr on him an 
turned to pee chan the pig and got in the pokey bal but then he knew 
he was suck in it an cold get out or take it for Akane and he never 


Crow: Suck in the cold.

Tom: What, Ryoga found a popsicle?


get to fk her agin so he got sad an cryed.

And at this tiem It was Shaympu that found Pchans ball 


Crow: (blinks) He's only got one?


and poped the litle piggy out.  


Tom: She'd have to eat him first.

Joel: Tom...

Tom: Before she could poop him out, I mean!

Joel: You're *not* helping your case, here...


She said I'll maek lunxh for my lesbiam lopver and tuk the pig 
ovr to Oochans' Okeynomeyacci.  And they cookd the pig.


Crow: You just HAD to give her the idea, didn't you, Tom?


Royga sad outch and die.  


Joel: Understatement.  Your key to quality fanfiction...

Bots: NOT!


AN the girls aet the bacon and then smerad stuff allvoer theyselfs 
and likked each totheer while neked.  And then goyt marryd.


Tom: So, what kind of pearls match the bacon grease, anyway?


in the manwhile, Sailoer Neptun sad tha she wanted to lukfor hwer 
husband and ye;led out,. Husband? 


All: HUSBAND?!

Crow: Neptune's married?  Aww...


Whjere are ytou? 


Tom: (imitating Scooby Doo) Rover rear!


Anf endimon sed I am here my love but then hje turned and kiossed 
Mishiru and made Nepton more sadder than shew was eaelir. Ansd 
Misheru turned to Netpoon and sed why are you so sd?/ 


Tom: Gee, I wonder...

Crow: Netpoontang?

Joel: Crow...

Crow: Aw, c'mon, that was pretty obscure, dont'cha think?


And Neprune skreemd Be"cayse you took my husbanf from me!  Adn 
emdinoin said I will marry you boht and they all got marred and 
had a three-way.


Joel: Kuno and Endyminion... separated at birth?  You be the judge.


**The end**


Bots: YAAAY!!


NO!  I was just kidding!


Bots: AAUUUGH!!


*in Lodoz*


All: (singing) We're off to see the LodWizard...


Ddlite the elf laughed at everyun and shoutred "Im!  an elve and yur 
noat!  Hee hee!  


Tom: Chevy Chase is an elf?


And" this made evryone sad, and they all deid, really sdadly.  
This mdae Deelite sadand so sje cryed and creyed and cryid.


Joel: Three different spellings of 'cried' in one sentence... and 
not one of them right.  That's got to be a new record.


*Bak to Rnama*

Rytoga got of Aakane as hre fukedd her and sad, "yOU are the best 
kooker in the werl!" and she goyt hjappty and went 2 looke for the 
Ppokeydrogn NBaals bvecause Ryogha wa seeten and ded.  BVut inmsted 
shje found ane va aan desided to go join Nerv.e


Tom: The NERV of that girl!  Thank you!

Crow: That Girl?  Please, don't make references to previous 
Oscarfics, Tom... this is making me ill enough as it is...


*meenwile*


Tom: I hope we're getting to the end of this thing.

Joel: Why's that?  Besides the obvious, I mean.

Tom: Well, I don't know about you, but I've run out of ranch jokes.


Rey went walked in on Ausca an Shinchi who was fuking in Mesotto's 
place 


Tom: Now pinchhitting for Misato... Ikari Shinji!

Joel: I doubt there's much pinching or hitting going on here...

Crow: Perhaps not, but Shinji's definately using a bat and balls...

Joel: (sighs) How many times I gotta say it?  Crow...


an say "Aw, why you not ivnited me?" An Aucsa says "Sory Rey we 
was all exsited abot the new pilt. 


Tom: A new *what*?


New pilt? Rey axed 


Joel: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Crow: With an axe.


an Shinchi nod head and say Yah shes cool she in kitch makin 
diner 4 evry1. "Kewl" says Rey an take off her bra an pantyes 
an put her pussie on Shinchis mouth.


Joel: (imitating Ranma) Get it off!  Get it off!

Crow: I'm sure Rei's getting off quite nicely.


BUt at that moment an angele poped into the area and cosed the tird 


Tom: There he goes with the redundancy again.

Joel: How's that?

Tom: Well, it pooped into the area, and caused a turd.

Joel: You're as bad as Crow sometimes, Tom.

Tom: Why, thank you.


Impakt that bloweded up all ogf Tokoyo and made evbeyone real ded 


Joel: As opposed to mostly dead.

Crow: Angel poop'll do that to ya.

Tom: Hey, does this mean we can go through everyone's pockets and
look for loose change?

Crow: I'd say Rei's being pretty loose as it is.


except for RamanadnLum anbd the Senshe and the jelyhed robvots and 
they all gought into the ahip and fot the angle and Ranm through a 
heriyu show10 Ha and the big laser came and hit the anmgel and ti 
crasked in Elle Hazaed.

Ranma sd its de!d and I am trhe greatest and decisded luk for the 

Tom: Now there's a thought.  How d'ya think Ranma would do against
Muhammed Ali?

Joel: Oh, Ranma would kick Ali's butt.

Crow: Yeah!

Joel: Of couse, Ali is what?  Sixty years old now?


grdon blz and eveyone laufed and luked for tem tu.

Too our latr they finded the draginballs an 
Ramna says "Dragons sure >gots big balls" 


Crow: I think this is the point where, if it were *me* saying that,
you'd say something like "Crow...", Joel.

Joel: You're right.  Ranma...


and he sumined the dragin and Mink showed up an said 


Tom: (blinks) Mink is the dragon?

Joel: Believe it or not, it makes sense.  Dragon Ball and Ranma 1/2 
equals Dragon Half.

Crow: Yeah, do the math, Tom.

Tom: Bite me.


Whats your wish an Ranma says I want to fuk you an evrybody else 


Crow: One-track mind Ranma's got, huh?

Joel: As if you should talk, Crow.


an Mink got nekid an evrybody got nekid an they all fuckin an 
everbody was happy.


Tom: Except us.


Tu Bee Contined


Crow: Now we're *definately* not happy...

Joel: Oh, c'mon guys... it's over for now, anyway.


***


SATELLITE OF LOVE


"So whaddya think, guys?  Has Doc Forrester pulled it off?"  Joel 
was grinning rather triumphantly as they emerged from.

"You mean, has he found the fic to break our spirits?"

"Has he actually managed to resurrect Oscar?"

The bots looked at each other, and turned to the viewscreen.  "NO!"

Joel grinned.  "Sorry, sirs.  Better luck next time.  This guy 
never even dropped himself into the fic, let alone tried to score 
with anyone and everyone in reach.  It can't possibly be Oscar."

"Yeah, and some of the references were so obscure..."  Tom chimed 
in. "This guy probably knows his anime, he's just dumbing waaaay 
down to scare all of us."

"He may have fooled you, Doctor F., but we weren't taken in for 
a moment."  Crow's tone was almost condescending.  "So there."


***


DEEP 13


"Oh, really?  Then I suppose it won't bother you in the least that 
this 'Digital Penguin' version of Oscar is continuing to write more
fanfiction!"  The bots tried not to shudder, but Doctor Forrester 
could see that even Joel was showing a trace of nervousness.  "I'll 
have plenty more of this crap to send you, if you find it so amusing.
You'll reach the end of your rope soon enough.

"But I'll let you off for now... still, when the continuation to this 
comes out..." and he rubbed his hands together gleefully, "you'll
be the FIRST to know.  Frank!"

"Uh... yessir, your Madness?"

The doctor turned to find his halfwit assistant standing right next 
to him, saluting like a demented war monument.  "The button, 
Frank.  Push it, will you?"

"Yessir.  Uh..."

"Over there, you lunkhead."

"Righteeo."  Bee-oop!  and the viewscreen winked out.


***


SATELLITE OF LOVE


There were no women on board... at least, not to his knowledge.
Kami-sama knew how he'd kill for the opportunity to... Joel pushed
the thought out of his mind as he approached Tom's quarters, from 
where the unmistakable sound of a woman's giggling seemed to be 
floating.  After all, he was supposed to be the superego of the 
trio, the one to keep his two little hentais in line.  It would 
not do for them to know otherwise.

Now it began to sound like moans... good gosh, what was going ON 
in there?  Joel HAD to know. 

And just as he opened the door, his ears were assaulted by a 
piercing cry:

"III-YAAAAAA!!"

The bots were hunched in a corner of the room, chuckling.  There
wasn't a female *anything* in sight, not even Gypsy.  Joel's eyes
brightened in realization.

"Hey guys, what's up?  Dja manage to pick up the Exxxtasy Channel
again on the interocitor?"

"Naw, we're just working out the kinks on this week's invention,"
Tom announced.

Crow chuckled.  "Actually, it's more like we're working the kinks 
INTO it.  You were wondering what that voice was, I bet..."

"That DID cross my mind..."

Another proud look from Crow.  "THAT... was the sound of Megumi 
Hayashibara having an orgasm.  We just mixed that one up."

"I see.  So, you're working on giving voice to lemon fanfics, eh?"
The bots nodded.  "Fair enough... I suppose it has its appeal. 
So was that Ranma-chan, Lina Inverse, Nuku-Nuku...?"

Crow shrugged.  "Who cares?"

Tom sighed.  "The only pity is that we can't *see* what's going on."

"Well, perhaps you guys could hook up that gizmo to the Holocabana's
circuitry..."

"Nope.  Can't." the bots muttered in unison, shaking their heads.

Joel put his hands on his hips.  "All right, what'd you guys do to 
the Holocabana *this* time?"

"We didn't do nothing!"  Crow held up his hands in protest.  "We hit
a random piece of space junk, and the damn thing tore right through 
the Cabana.  You can check for yourself!"

"Magic Voice...?"  Joel called out.

"Joel?"

"Can you get Cambot to put the Holocabana exterior onscreen, please?"

"Already done, Joel.  Onscreen."  Joel watched as several maintenance
robots swarmed around a certain section of the SoL exterior.  A large
piece of ice, the size of a yule log, jutted from the satellite's 
dermal layer.  "It should only take a week or so to repair."

"A week..."  Joel sighed.  "You know, maybe ol' Doc F was onto 
something when he said that that thing would complement his plans. 
I think I could well go nuts having to do without that thing for a 
whole week." 

"Well, don't tell Forrester about this, okay?  The last thing he 
needs is to come up with a new way to drive us crazy."  Tom was 
actually shivering.

Joel shrugged.  "Well, it isn't as if you could actually, uh, 'do it'
with her in the Holocabana, anyway.  It's not like you're missing 
much."

"And you know something, Joel?  I've been meaning to ask you about 
that, too..."  There was a note of irritation in Crow's voice.  "Why 
the hell'ja give us the minds for this kinda stuff, and no equipment, 
anyway?  You don't have to tell ME I can't have my way with the Puma
twins or whoever..."

"No, no... I mean you can't do that - it literally won't let you. 
Any possibilty that bodily fluids might leak out, and the thing... 
locks... up..."  Joel froze.  Oh no... he'd said too much.  The bots 
looked at each other for a long minute before turning to him with a 
single word:

"JOEL..!"


THE REAL END....


(Feel free to hum the closing theme as you read my author's notes.)

Somebody out there seems to think he's Oscar.  Fine, then... in 
that case, somebody ought to give him another decent (or indecent,
as the case may be) burial. 

Actually, it makes sense: like Joel says, this can't possibly be 
Oscar, but it's still goshawful.  A fake Oscar, then, deserves a 
fake Megane. And since I've been dying to do an MST for the 
longest time, here I am: spatula on my shoulder, stepping up 
to the plate.

I want to extend my thanks to Megane 6.7, the patron saint of 
MSTs, for tips, encouragement, and permission to scoop him 
just this once.  There's a reason I've dubbed this 3.35: I'll be 
lucky if this thing's half as good as some of his.

Also want to thank the Eternal Lost Lurker, that fount of anime 
lore, for being able and willing to bring me up to speed on a few 
series mentioned herein that I'm less than adequately versed in.

I suppose I should apologize to Benares for using an except of 
"Ukyou: Stepping Stones" without permission.  He was, along 
with J.W. Biles, one of the first fanfic authors I ever read, and 
one of those that, by their work, dragged me into this whole scene. 
My salutations go out to you, Benares, wherever and whoever 
you are.

Well, this wouldn't be a proper Megane 6.7 imitation without at 
least a page of fanfic and MST webpages, but between writing
and my work at Furinkan and the Ucchan, I'm too swamped to 
spend much time online surfing websites.  Consider this an 
opportunity before I send this out to the FFML in a couple of 
day: a chance to PLACE YOUR AD HERE!  I'll accept any 
reasonable offers, and maybe a few unreasonable ones.

Anyway, hope you've enjoyed this little crack at the 
Digital Penguin... C&C welcomed, of course.

Oh, and I'm hoping to get part nine of Pencils out sometime 
tomorrow (I've even gotten permission to ditch Furinkan for 
the day...)  Until then, ja!

Itsu mo,
Ucchan  ^_^