Subject: RE: [FFML] [R1/2] R&A:ALS Prologue and Chpt. 1 a
From: "Paul Arezina" <arezina@acad1.stvincent.edu>
Date: 9/16/1998, 3:26 PM
To:

|   First fic and all, please C&C, hope you like a somewhat ... different...
|alterniverse.

I'm always up for another one of these.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|Disclaimer: The playground is by Rumiko Takahashi, I'm only playing
|in it.  Keep the grounds cleaner than you found them and please don't
|feed the Troll.
|*This is a sound effect.*
||This is a thought.|
|!This is emphasis.!
|{This is a sign.}
|/This is Chinese./

Might I suggest *sounds*, 'thoughts', _emphasis_, {signs}, and "<Chinese>",
'<Chinese>' and {<Chinese>}. That's how I've come to know them, and how many
others have as well. Odd qualifiers will make it harder for your audience to
understand your meaning.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   Rain. Postcard. Kitchen. Bed. Dojo. Bricks. "FIANCE?!" Girl. Panda.
|Fight. CLONG! GROWF! Knock. Ranma.
|
|   Seen it before, yes?  In your sleep, behind your back, with a bad
|hand, in the rain, right?

Umm... yeah. In more than so many words.

|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.

What IS that sound?

|   This story doesn't start like that.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.

Static, perhaps?

|   *This* story starts in darkness, late on a warm summer night
|without an artificial light in miles.  *This* story starts in a forest
|clearing lit by several billion stars and the thin sliver of a gibbous
|moon.  *This* story starts with a male figure stripped to the waist,
|using a bamboo handled shovel to *Shnnnck* loosen and turn earth that
|will be *ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt* removed and tossed to the side.

Nice scene-setting.

|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   Figure about a half cubic foot of earth loosened and dug up per
|sequence.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   Figure a hole 6 feet long, by 3 feet wide, by 5 feet deep.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   Times 8.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   For those who have not been following along on their abaci, that's
|1440 *shnnnck*s and 4320 *ssshhpt*s.

Two times six times three times five times eight... yeah. But an abacus is
used primarily in addition, not multiplication. I suppose the latter is
feasible for smaller numbers or skilled operators...

Nevermind. My Personal Nitpick Meter just pegged.

|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   In just less than 8 hours.  Including wrapping the bodies, and
|filling in the graves.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   For what were, self-admittedly, bandits and highwaymen. Desperate
|criminals who, had the authorities caught them, would assuredly have
|been hung, and the bodies left to rot.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   For men who, knowing this, and knowing the digger for a ronin, and
|hence both dangerous and broke, had nonetheless attempted to rob him.
|For men without honor or martial skill, who had fallen like weeds
|before the scythe.  For outlaws who, had they somehow triumphed, would
|have spent not an iota of such effort for the traveller.
|
|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   Because honor and respect are paid by the digger, and not to the
|diggee?  Because even scum and bandits are human, and are owed some
|kind of marker? Because the duty owed by a slayer to his own soul
|demands a remembrance of the slain, lest they die twice? Or simply
|because it was necessary that someone do it, and no one else is
|around to do it?

If the entire story is like THIS, I'm going to like it very much. I go for
the speculative, soul-searching type of writing.

|Shnnnck, ssshhpt, ssshhpt, ssshhpt.
|
|   The digger jumps out of the last grave, places the final body in
|its' final resting place and says a final abbreviated prayer. Filling
|the grave takes little time, building the cairn of stones to mark
|the burial takes a little longer, preparing to move again longer
|still.
|
|   And then the figure pauses, and looks down the road by the forest
|clearing; and looks behind at the road already travelled; and looks up
|to a sky just beginning to lighten in the east; and seems to pause.

Hmm. Might want to replace these semi-colons with ellipsis or just straight
commas.

|   It had been less than three days between incidents; both faces were
|becoming targets of local toughs and fast swords; he had been forced
|to kill more than 45 times in the past month. Or had he. His skill was
|great after all, he was fast and strong and capable of techniques that
|your average thug, or even ronin, wouldn't dare dream of attempting.
|Had it simply become easier to kill than not to? And what did that say
|of *his* soul, in the end.

Watch your punctuation. Consider the appropriateness of question mark
placement after questions and semicolons only to seperate sentences when
there are words to bridge the gap. Periods can be used to seperate sentences
but not to cap off questions. Admittedly, punctuation makes up a small
portion of the writing, but it's the mental equivalent of pausing and pacing
in a spoken work, and inconsistent punctuation will make a story more
difficult to read with the pacing you envisioned it to be read at.

|   Perhaps it was time to try somewhere else.  After all there was
|less than a year to go.  It really was time to get back where he
|belonged. Time to go somewhere you could defeat someone without
|killing them.  Time to go to what was, theoretically, home.
|
|   And the traveller reached into his shirt; and pulled out an amulet
|of silver, and clay and glass; and raised it high.

Again, lose the semicolons. If you want the effect of "and" building slowly,
use ellipses. If you just want a clean read, join these clauses with commas
and lose the "and".

|   And the rising sun shone down on a clearing in a forest by a road,
|on which was now to be seen no traveller, nor footprints, nor anything
|else at all.

Nani yo? Ranma is mage? Or has stolen magical artifacts?

At any rate, a very nicely understated opening scene, conveying exactly what
needed to be conveyed and precious little more.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|		Shadow Lurker Productions
|
|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|   And this is a bar in China where a man is sitting by himself in a
|corner, getting stinking drunk. |Oh Bhudda,

Erm. It's spelled Buddha. As it is, Genma's coming off as Elmer Fudd
thinking "oh brother", which is more exasperation than fear for your life.

|I'm doomed. How did I let
|this happen? Nodoka's going to !kill! me. Where !did! that ungrateful
|boy get to? Why did I have to try that !stupid! training technique?
|Nodoka's going to !kill! me. Who knows what sillyness he'll have
|picked up without me? I'll never have enough time to train him out of
|his bad habits now! Nodoka's going to !kill! me. Now now, Genma, get
|ahold of yourself; you trained him for eleven years and he's surely a
|man-among-men, and hardship toughens you up, and he's certainly alive
|even if you can't find hide nor hair of him, and he promised on his
|honor, and he never breaks a promise, and you'll get to Jhusenkyou
|first and get a good look at the ground so you'll have an advantage in
|the fight, and he won't be as good as you anyway cause he didn't have
|you to keep an eye on him, and you'll have !weeks! to fix his bad
|habits, and...  Oh Bhudda, Nodoka's going to !kill! me.|

I'm detecting a trend here. Seriously, though, this is probably what's
running through Genma's head like an anthem: self-preservation, rather than
concern for his son.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|		Is very proud to present.

Ellipsis there.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|   And this is Fukuoka, a port on Kyushu where a person who is
|apparantly a somewhat bishonen lad packing a !huge! spatula is
|bargaining for a boat ride to China. She'd tracked Genma to China at
|last and this time her family's honor !would! be cleared, one way or
|another.

Nya ha ha!

|   And this is a small village in Qing-Hai where the local champion is
|preparing to defend her title. And wondering where a warrior husband
|strong enough for her to marry was going to come from anyway.

Hmm. So Ukyo and Shampoo are still in China and Ranma hasn't touched their
lives at all yet. This could be interesting.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|		An Eric Hallstrom Production
|
|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|   And this is a bedroom in a dojo in a suburb of Tokyo, where a
|certain girl is preparing for bed; after all, there's school in the
|morning.  School. And boys. Yay.

Might want to emphasize that to draw out its sarcastic qualities. And you've
done a nice job of telling us this is Akane without doing anything remotely
resembling revealing her name.

|   She'd tried, she really had. She'd tried to find one she could
|stand to date. She'd tried to get the usual pack of fools to !stop!
|their foolishness, peacefully and otherwise. It just hadn't worked.

Of course not. Men have this bizarre caveman response about knocking their
mates unconscious and anything that appeals to that primal instinct is going
to gain popularity, especially among the adolescent of the species who is
looking to prove himself to the rest of the herd.

|   |Every school day, !every! school day. For more than a year. She
|was a Junior now, she was supposed to be past hazing wasn't she? They
|were supposed to be at least a little mature weren't they? Or at least
|get tired of getting beaten up all the time?|

If these are thoughts, they should be in first-person. Such as... 'I'm a
junior now, I'm supposed to be past hazing... aren't I?'

|   Every day, for more than a year, and she hadn't lost, and she
|hadn't given up; but neither had they, and she was tired, so tired.

Ellipsis instead of semicolon. And maybe differ the punctuational pacing for
the "tired, so tired" bit.

|   And Tendo Akane went to bed, hoping for something to break her out
|of a losing rut. And went to sleep, although she didn't want to.
|After all, there was school in the morning.

A nice peek inside Akane's head. Duty warring with convenience.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|		Of a Takahashi Rumiko Film.
|
|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|   And this is a small apartment, likewise in Nerima.  And in it a man
|last seen in a forest clearing is performing a slow kata.

Tonight, the part of the hero will be played by Saotome Ranma.

|And he too
|is hoping, and waiting for the morning. He hadn't had to kill anyone
|yet, but in every other way the last several months had been a
|disaster. Oh well, perhaps he simply wasn't !meant! for romance? After
|all, father had probably provided for a marriage long ago, and while
|he didn't like it, he had accepted it for the sake of family honor.
|Actually falling in love with someone was probably tempting fate.

Actually, NOT falling in love with anyone is going to tempt a certain
white-haired Fate into screwing with your life.

|   Which brought up an issue, actually; what face was he going to
|wear? Flip a coin? Tails. Female. So be it. |Now get to bed Ranma,
|you've got school in the morning.|

Hmm. I take it he's gotten to the point where he's achieved command of his
body. And beyond the point where he actually cares what gender he is. I
suppose having an instant disguise takes a lot of the revulsion out of
swapping genders.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|		Ranma and Akane, A Love Story

Hmm. Actually, this is rather interesting setup. One wonders if and when the
other fiancees will hit the fan.

|----------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|   Chapter 1, the first day.
|   Part A. Arrival.
|
|   This is the story of a boy who was a girl, and a girl, and a boy,
|and a girl, and a boy, and a girl, and a girl who acts like a boy, and
|a boy who acts like a girl, and a woman, and a man, and another couple
|girls, and a cast of thousands. Oh, and a Panda, can't forget the
|Panda.

*pfft* Nice touch. There's also a pig, cat, duck, and yeti riding bull
carrying crane and eel mixed up in it somewhere.

|   It's the story of a school, and another school, and another school,
|of a city, and a village, and all the road inbetween. It's a story
|of desperate battle, and deadly opponents when it gets to the story of
|monsters and villians who attempt to attack these schools and so on
|it will instead become the story of monsters and villians who turn
|around and run away again.

"and deadly opponents, and when it gets..." and so on. "And" is such a
little word, but it helps pacing enormously.

|   It will have true love, and desperate peril, and romantic intervals
|and high adventure and more martial arts action sequences than you can
|shake a bokken at. And just a touch of citrus, for flavor. But before
|we get to all that, it is the story of a Fight.

I like this Narrator person. He's got a certain Ben Stein character about
him.

|   Some schools are known for academics and some are known for sports,
|Furinkan High, in Nerima ward, is known for the Fight.

Period after "sports".

|Every school
|day for more than a year, all the boys had either lain in wait to
|"win the right to date the fair and beauteous tiger Tendo Akane"
|(i.e. beat her up) or, if they had done that recently, had attempted
|to heal up for the Fight tomorrow.

Heh. I definitely like this Narrator person. Where'd you hire him?

|   The girls all thought the whole thing was a ploy by Akane to keep
|the attention of the entire male student populace and had no sympathy
|for either side.  The populace of the neighborhood thought it was High
|Theatre (not much else happened in Nerima). Tendo Nabiki, Akane's
|sister thoguht it had gone much too far, but could think of no viable
|way to stop something that no longer had a real reason except
|tradition. And Tendo Akane vanquished her opponents, and ignored the
|whispers, and grew ever grimmer.
|
|   And today will be no different, after all it never is. All the
|normal players are in place: here is the assembled might of
|Furinakan's male student body, prepared to do battle in heroic
|sillyness for a prize they no longer remember; here are they observers
|waiting for a sight they've seen before, and grown bored of; and here
|is Akane herself grimly preparing to fight for a point of honor she
|can no longer care about; all just as yesterda and the day before.

Some of the semicolons seem to fit. Except that last one.

|And now Akane has broken into a run at her tormentors, and now the
|battle is about to be joined. And now something different has
|happened.

"The Vogons have vaporized Earth to make room for a hyperdimensional bypass.
The End."

But seriously, nice setup for the scene.

|   Now a voice has called out, not even very loudly. A smokey
|contralto with a slight edge of roughness, and power enough to crack
|the world. A voice that merely by its presence has controlled the
|situation. A voice that belongs to a small redhead standing in the
|gateway to the school.  She wears loose black pants, battle slippers,

You DO realize how weird that sounds. Battle slippers. From the school of
Martial Arts Sleepwalking.

|a loose red silk shirt and a bomber jacket.

A WHICH?! Of course, Ranma dresses for convenience and not fashion, but
still...

|Her hair flows down her
|back in a pigtail tied with an ivory ring in which gems gleam brightly
|in the sun,

Hmm. I'm suspecting Ranma raided some ancient temple or some such. Am I
right?

|her neck is wrapped by a flowing white silk scarf, her
|hands are in her jacket pockets, her head is slightly tilted to one
|side and she has just said "!What! is going on here?".
|
|   And nothing will ever be the same again.

Very nice story. Understated the whole way through, but you make it work.

The only problems I have with this fanfic could likely be fixed by sweeping
through with a critical eye and a good proofreader. I caught occasional
spelling errors, but nothing glaring, aside from the "Buddha" mishap. You DO
need to rethink the way you punctuate some of the longer scenes; periods and
ellipsis make seperators, in addition to semicolons and commas. I'm not
suggesting that you lose all your semicolons, but some of them need to be
replaced.

And I strongly suggest you take my suggestions as far as the qualifiers go,
as it's hard to read a story where certain marks don't mean what you want
them to mean.

--G. Falconar