Much better in this draft, still a few details to iron out (see below),
otherwise this looks like it will be an interesting series to read
(personally, I would like to see Nodoka's reaction to this...).

Question: What if the Tendous were related to the Shimerus?


Akane-chan Change

written by Phil Hacker

Chapter I: An Unlikely Match

**********

Soun Tendou strained to keep himself calm as he once again read the
telegram that had just arrived. It read:

DEAR TENDOU STOP BRINGING RANMA FROM CHINA STOP
SHOULD ARRIVE TONIGHT STOP SAOTOME

Slightly confusing to see this in telegraph format, instead of 

postcard,

but this is a minor nit.

I always wondered that, if it was a postcard, how would Soun know what 
day they would arrive? After all, we can read the entire message, and 
there is no mention of a date.

***

The two children in question were, at that moment, sparring in the 

dojo.

"Ready?" asked Futaba.

"Ready," his cousin replied.

They charged at each other and briefly exchanged blows before breaking
off to reengage. Futaba had tagged Akane's shoulder, but Akane had
struck him squarely in the stomach. They were fairly evenly matched:
while Akane was somewhat more experienced, they were closely
matched in strength, though Futaba had the advantage in speed.

This went on for several minutes until both teens collapsed on the 

floor

in an exhausted heap. They lay still for another minute, then Akane 

sat

up groggily.

"Whew. That felt good," she said.

"Next time we do Anything-Goes Wrestling. I'll getcha then," Futaba
responded, also sitting up.

I personally don't see why Futaba needs to know any martial arts at all
(this might make it more interesting later on, I don't know what you 

have

planned for later in the series).  

This is partially so that he won't seem helpless compared to the others. 
Also, since he's lived with Soun for a couple of years, he's picked up 
some Musabetsu Kakutou. He's still not good enough to beat Kunou outside 
of a wrestling match without dirty tricks.

"Futaba's not a boy, he's family," Akane snapped.

Might have something to do with the fact that Futaba's not always a 

boy...

Right. He's family ^_^

A question of characterization might be, would Akane be as biast 

against

boys?  Especially if shy is supposed to be somewhat bigoted against all
outsiders.

It's mostly sour grapes here.

"Still," commented Kasumi, "A Shimeru girl marrying an outsider boy...
Are you sure about this, Father?"

I must have missed this, but just in case, are the Tendo's renamed 

Shimeru's?

Surnames are patrilineal. In the original draft I had a brief 
explanation that there was the occasional outside marriage, resulting in 
the formation of multiple subfamilies, with only the Shimerus purebred, 
but I removed it and other bits in order to avoid mentioning the change 
before Ranma finds out. I'll restore those parts if you like.

A few seconds later they came running back, the strain of trying to 

keep

>from panicking evident on their faces.

Immediately behind them was a large panda, followed by a rather small
redheaded girl. Strangely enough, the panda's left hand was bandaged,
and it had a patch over its right eye.

"Whoa, it's a panda!" exclaimed Futaba.

"So, this is your friend?" asked Kasumi.

Soun shook his head.

"Oh, so this panda's just a pet or something?" Nabiki demanded.

The girl stepped forward and spoke in a small voice. "I'm Ranma
Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."

"Oooh, she *is* cute," remarked Nabiki-kun.

Barely able to contain his excitement, Soun embraced the new arrival.
After releasing her, he quickly ran out of the room. A loud, feminine
whoop was heard from the hall.

Futaba approached Ranma. "I'm Futaba Shimeru. Pleased to meet you.
You'll have to forgive Uncle Soun. He can get a little...emotional at
times."

'What's going on here?' Ranma wondered. 'Weren't they expecting a
boy?' Realization of one possible explanation hit her. Maybe they
*hadn't* been expecting a boy. 'No! Pop couldn't've--I mean, really!'
She shivered involuntarily.

I just wanted to mention that this scene was much done much better in 

this

version.

Thanks ^_^

Ranma, of course, saw her coming long before he could connect. She
leaped over Akane's head and landed softly behind her. Just as she
reached out to tag her one last time on the back of her head, she 

jerked

her elbow backwards to strike her solidly in the stomach. Ranma gasped
as the blow connected.

Wow, Akane hits Ranma?  This is a major change from the original...

Yes, but only one hit. Since this is "for real", and Ranma got in a 
dozen or more hits, I gave her opponent one hit. Originally, it was 
Futaba who fought Ranma. I'll probably put that back.

***

'What am I gonna do?' Ranma thought as he relaxed in the bathtub.
'Man, what a crazy family. They didn't seem worried at all that I was 

a

girl. What's up with that? I hope Pop didn't tell them I was really 
female
or something. That Futaba guy seems okay, and maybe that younger girl
with the long dark hair. What was her name again? Akane?

>From the previous introspection into Ranma, I'd think he be 
second-guessing

the idea that "that Futaba guy" is okay...

Ranma hasn't really formed an opinion of Nabiki and Kasumi yet, but he 
probably thinks that Soun is out of it.

'Well, they're bound to find out sooner or later. I guess I may as 

well

just go out like this.' He rose from the tub.

***
"I don't know why he'd do that," said Nabiki.

"Um, excuse me," a male voice said.

Everyone turned to see a young man wearing a red Chinese-style shirt.

"Hello, Ranma," Kasumi said sweetly as the others stared at him,

Ranma was confused. They knew who he was? What *was* going on in
this house anyway? Either everyone was crazy, or they were hiding
something from him.

I'd like to see a little more elaboration into Ranma's thoughts here.  

I

mean, what you've done here is fine, but this is the perfect place to 

give

the reading audience a look at how Ranma's thoughts work.

I have received a suggestion to change this scene so that it is Ranma 
who runs screaming from the bath.

Ranma-chan leaped out of the pond and charged at her father. "I'LL
KILL YOU!!!" she screamed. She grabbed Genma and threw him into a
nearby spring.

"Oh, too bad," said the Guide. "Mr. Customer fall in Shonmaoniichuan.
There very tragic legend of panda who drown there two thousand year
ago. Now, whoever fall in spring take body of panda. Is very cursed
spring."

A wet panda climbed out of the spring and began to run away from
Ranma-chan and the Guide.

"Don't think you're getting away that easily!" Ranma-chan screamed,
giving chase to the fleeing panda.

I'd think that after Genma blatantly cursed Ranma, Ranma might hold a
little grudge.  Everything that has happened to Ranma in the manga was 

due

to Genma's incompetence, not anything that was directed at Ranma, just
neglect.  If you could arrange it so that Genma and Ranma fought, like 

in

the original, but Genma engineers Ranma's fall into the spring (hmmm, 

an

intelligent planning Genma, that'd be a change), it might work a little
better.

Another option, if you would like to keep with the flashback you have,
would be to have some sign of serious damage to Genma, i.i.e.., limp, 

or

eye patch, or the like (this would tend to make for a slightly darker 

fic

though).

You will notice that Genma has an eye patch, although the eye is not 
permanently damaged. This and the bandaged hand represent what is left 
of Genma's injuries after a month of healing.

"Cut it out!" Futaba and Nabiki each grabbed one of Ranma-chan's
arms and pinned her to the floor. Soun sat on her feet to keep her 

from

kicking.

"Whoa, calm down!" Futaba said. "I know it's a big shock and all, but
killing your dad isn't going to do anything except make him dead."

Yep.  This is more the reaction I would expect...

Thanks ^_^

"Well, you have to admit," Kasumi said, "Ranma *did* grow up
expecting to be male all the time. This must really be a shock for 

him"

"It's really not as bad as it sounds, Ranma," said Soun.

Ranma-chan finally calmed down after another minute of struggling.
There was no way she could fight off all three of them in her current
condition.

Soun grabbed a teakettle and poured scalding water onto Ranma-chan.
"When doused with cold water, you become a girl, but hot water turns
you back into a boy."

"Yeow! Hot water, not boiling!" Ranma exclaimed while the panda
grabbed the teakettle for himself.

"Then everything should work out just fine," said Soun. "I have three
daughters: my eldest daughter, Kasumi, nineteen, my middle daughter,
Nabiki, seventeen, and my youngest daughter, Akane, sixteen. Pick
whichever one you want, and she'll be your fiancee."

"Father, I really don't know if I can marry an outsider," said Kasumi.

"You know," said Nabiki, "maybe we should pair him up with Akane."

There is still little reason for Nabiki to be giving this statement.  

You

could try making Nabiki more of a fanatic of upholding the tradition of
keeping to marriages within the tribe, but this would make Nabiki 

somewhat

of an enemy in this series.

That might work.

"What?!" Akane demanded. "Why me?"

"Well, you both love martial arts, and this would be the perfect 

excuse

for getting rid of all of those boys at school," said Nabiki.

"You must be joking! Why don't we give him to Futaba?"

"No thanks," said Futaba. "Besides, the agreement was to match Ranma
with one of the children of Soun Tendou."

"There's no way I'm marrying some pervert!"

"Who're you calling a pervert?!" Ranma demanded. "You're the freaks!"

"What'd you call me?!"

"You heard me! Your whole family's a bunch of sex-changing freaks!"

"So what're you?!"

"I never wanted to be a girl; it's the Old Man's idea and I'd be glad
to get rid of it!"

"If that's the way you feel about me and my family, I want nothing to 

do

with you!"

"How was *I* supposed to know your whole family'd be a bunch of
freaks?! I never wanted to be a girl, or to marry any of you!"

"See? They're already acting like a perfect couple!" Soun laughed.

"If you don't want to marry me, then that's just fine!" Akane turned 

her

back on Ranma.

"Goodbye!" Ranma turned to leave.

"Ranma, just where do you think you're going?" Genma demanded.

"To find a way to get rid of this stupid curse," Ranma replied. He 
turned
back to face Akane. "And if you think I'm going to marry some girl who
turns into a guy just when you start getting to the best part, you're 
even crazier than I thought."

Akane finally released what was left of her weakening control over her
anger. He looked around for something heavy to clobber Ranma with.
The table was handy, so he brought it crashing down onto his head.

Ugh, it'll be a nightmare keeping he/she's straight in this fic...

"Now *that* he had coming to him," observed Genma.

***

Akane-kun scowled as he climbed out of the bathtub. 'Make a fool of
me, eh? That...that... arrrrgh!'

As he headed out of the bath, he came face-to-face with Ranma. He
noticed that he was just as naked as himself.

"I, um...that is..."

"Why, you...! Akane-kun reached back and tried to slap Ranma across
the face. However, Ranma was faster than he was, and his hand ended
up denting the tiled wall instead.

This is an interesting change as well, a Ranma that is able to dodge
Akane's anger strikes...

A male Akane is slower.

"I just don't know what to do with you. Coz," Futaba said as he
bandaged Akane-kun's hand. "Maybe you should give him a break. It
sounds to me like he was railroaded into this whole thing."

"Well..." Akane-kun began.

"Just give it a while," said Genma. "Things are bound to get better
sooner or later."

"Only because they can't get much worse," Ranma retorted.

[End Chapter I]

**********

Now, I guess it's time for me to explain a few things.

Why does Futaba live at the Tendou Dojo, you ask? In this continuity,
his father is actively pursuing his career as an idol singer and found
himself unable to raise Futaba on his own upon the death of Futaba's
mother (who did not die in normal FKC continuity). Since Soun is the
next of kin, he is charged with taking care of Futaba. Yes, we will 

also

be seeing Futana, who has now graduated high school and is living on
her own, and there will be some references to Misaki (all of the FKC
stories save for the last chapter are assumed to have happened 

already.

Futaba's relationship with Misaki also means that he lacks the 

prejudice

against "Normals" that Akane displays). I added Futaba and Futana to
add more weight to the Futaba-kun elements, and to have someone who
would be a little friendlier to Ranma early on.

If you could add a bit of background of the Futaba/Futana elements as 

they

enter, those of us not familiar with FKC would appreciate it.

Okay. For example, I will give a couple of paragraphs of Misaki's 
backstory when she comes into play, as well as Futana. BTW: Futaba still 
has her singing career, which Nabiki and Negiri exploit (Nabiki and 
Negiri teaming up?! AAAUUUUUGHHHH!)


Phil

prohackr@hotmail.com


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com