Soun Tendou strained to keep himself calm as he once again read the
telegram that had just arrived. It read:

DEAR TENDOU STOP BRINGING RANMA FROM CHINA STOP
SHOULD ARRIVE TONIGHT STOP SAOTOME

May I suggest an extra bit to the telegram - ALL REPEAT ALL
PROBLEMS DEALT WITH STOP.  Put this bit after the news about
China. ^_^

I READ YOU STOP

[Snip!]

"A fiance?"

"Yes," Soun replied. "He's the son of a friend of mine. If one of you
three girls were to marry him and carry on this dojo, then the Tendou
family legacy would be secured. His name is Ranma Saotome."

"Wait a minute!" Akane interrupted. "I don't remember any Saotomes in
the tribal list of families. Are they new?"

"Actually, no. You see, my friend's family is not of our tribe."

This elicited a gasp from all four children.

"You mean he's an outsider?" Kasumi asked. What was strange was not
that their father had arranged a marriage for them; that was common
enough among the members of their tribe, but for the marriage of one 

of

the tribe to an outsider being encouraged by the parents of both was
almost unheard of.

"She's right, Daddy," said Nabiki. "There's no way any of us could
marry an outsider boy. Futaba, on the other hand..."

Soun could reply that Genma knows about the quirk and has dealt
with the problem of "compatability".

"No way!" Futaba exclaimed. "Besides, I've already got someone."

"Oh yes," said Naibki. You and that Shima girl. Her friend's got some
good business sense, I'll tell you that.

Negiri you mean?  Nabiki might say that, but I doubt it.  Negiri is too
blatant - Nabiki uses a fair bit of subtlety and misdirection in her
dealings.  Negiri is more obsessed with making Yen than doing
so... carefully... unobtrusively... in the manner Nabiki often does.

Perhaps if Nabiki added something about Negiri ever learning the
benefits of subltety.

Okay. Maybe Negiri should be Nabiki's apprentice: they learn frome each 
other. Nabiki learns to find more "creative" sources of cash flow from 
Negiri, and Negiri learns to be subtle.

"Still," commented Kasumi, "A Shimeru girl marrying an outsider boy...
Are you sure about this, Father?"

"Ranma and his father have been on a long training mission," Soun
continued, ignoring them. "Recently, they crossed into China.

Another opportunity for SOun to, perhaps, mention that problems
have been dealt with.  Soun always did have more faith in Genma
than I could ever understand.

Check.

"Is his family rich, or important or something?" asked Nabiki. If 

their

father wanted one of them to marry an outsider, there had to be
*something* to gain from it.

A comment about uniting the 2 schools of Anything Goes may be
appropriate.  That is why Soun wants this isn't it?

Right.

"Whoa, it's a panda!" exclaimed Futaba.

"So, this is your friend?" asked Kasumi.

Soun shook his head.

"Oh, so this panda's just a pet or something?" Nabiki demanded.

The girl stepped forward and spoke in a small voice. "I'm Ranma
Saotome. Sorry 'bout this."

"Oooh, she *is* cute," remarked Nabiki-kun.

When did Nabiki slip and change?  I thought that you said she had
managed to avoid it.

Oops. That's left over from an earlier draft.

[Snip!]

"Well then, why don't we spar a little?" Futaba offered. "Wrestling's
more my specialty, but I can do enough Kempo to match most non-
pros."

This would be a good place to slip in that Futaba's studied Anything
Goes - He could say that he's been staying with the Tendo's for the
past few years (however many it was) and clarify his actual 

relationship

with them.  We shouldn't have to read the Authors Notes to find out
such things.

Check.

[Snip!]

"Well, all right," Akane conceded. "But *I* get the first round."

"Come on." Futaba motioned for Ranma to follow them as they headed
for the dojo.

2 points come to mind here:

1>  What was Ranma doing while Futaba & Akane whispered?
Listening in?  Watching and wondering?

The second. I'll have to mention that.

2>  For the purposes of building a futrue Ranma & Akane relationship
you really should have Ranma and Akane interact in a friendly or
semi-friendly fashion.

I'll have to add that.

BTW:  What happened to the Panda?  Did it just wander off?

You will notice that in the canon nobody paid attention to the panda 
after the initial confusion. Sure, Soun fainted, but I think Genma could 
avoid drawing attention long enough to grab some hot water.

[Snip!]

Ranma, of course, saw her coming long before he could connect. She
leaped over Akane's head and landed softly behind her. Just as she
reached out to tag her one last time on the back of her head, she

jerked

her elbow backwards to strike her solidly in the stomach. Ranma gasped
as the blow connected.

Why is Akane faster here?  This is the Female Akane right?  She
should do no better than the original Akane did.

I am planning to restore the original scene in which it is Ranma vs 
Futaba.

"Hey, you're pretty good," said Futaba  while the two combatants were
catching their breaths.

"You're not too bad yourself," replied Ranma, smiling. "You just gotta
work a bit more on that speed."

This conversation seems left over from the previous version.  It  

really

doesn't mesh with the preceding events.  At least alter who is 

speaking.

I am planning to restore this scene largely to its previous form.

"It's nice to have somebody around who can keep up with me and
Akane," said Futaba.

As a minor point for future reference - Kunou was arguably better than
Akane in the Manga, he just never used his full power against her.

If Futaba has been around for a while it's likely that he's run across
Kunou and Kunou would have no hesitation about going all out
versus Futaba-Kun.  For that matter Akane-Kun should be in
serious trouble with Kunou.

True, but he means somebody that he can be on a friendly basis with.

[Snip!]

Akane locked the bathroom door and began to undress. Failing to notice
the red shirt in the laundry, she grabbed a towel and slid open the

door

to the bath.

What she wasn't prepared for was the sight of a strange, naked boy
standing in the bathtub. She stared at him for a few seconds. Then, 

she

calmly slid the door shut, put her clothes back on, and exited the

bath.

She marched straight into the kitchen and grabbed her middle sister by
the shoulders. "Why didn't you tell me there was somebody in there
when you told me to take a bath?!" she demanded.

"What are you talking about, Akane?" Nabiki asked.

When did Nabiki tell Akane to take a bath?  You haven't shown this and
in the original story Nabiki told Akane (at Kasumi's request) that the
bath was ready.  The sequence of events here is not as clear as it 

could

be.

that scene was cut due to complaints. I am currently thinking of 
altering it so that it is Ranma who runs out, screaming.

"Allow me to introduce myself. I am Genma Saotome. This is my
son..." Genma gestured with his unbandaged right hand. His right eye
was still covered by the patch; the swelling wouldn't go down for
another few days yet.

"Ranma," Ranma concluded.

Nabiki was the first to speak. "So, we finally get to meet the male
Ranma."

"But I thought Father said that he wasn't-" Kasumi began.

"Don't worry, girls. My friend Saotome has taken care of everything."

I presume Soun said this?  It should be indicated somehow.

Check.

"Indeed," said Genma. "Watch." Grabbing Ranma by the shirt with his
good arm, he heaved him through the open screen doors into the koi
pond.

"Whadja do that for?!" Ranma-chan shouted when she surfaced.

"So I see," observed Nabiki.

Futaba was wondering how exactly Ranma was able to change genders.

>From what he had been told, Ranma shouldn't.

Well... so far they've seen that getting Ranma excited causes him to
change
genders.  Why genma got him excited by throwing him in the pond is a
curious point but of only minor concern.  The Tendo's should still have
the
wrong idea here.

Okay. I'll use the fire bucket instead.

[Snip!]

In the explanation of what happened at Jusenkyo, you might want to add
a description of exactly how Genma came to have the wounds he does.
Say a broken hand from blocking a thrown rock and a kick to the head
that bruised the eye maybe...

No, but I will mention that Ranma gave him those injuries at the time.

"What great lengths you had to go to to allow our two houses to be
joined!" Soun marveled. "Imagine, finding a magic curse that would
allow your son to change genders as easily as this." He threw his iced
tea at Ranma, who promptly switched to female.

"Hey!" Ranma-chan protested. "What the hell does my being a girl have
to do with anything, anyway?!"

"You mean you haven't told him?!" Soun glared at Genma.

Ranma should want to know about the joining of houses as well.

True, but the being a girl part takes precedence.

"Would somebody mind telling me what the *hell* is going on here?!"
Ranma-chan demanded.

"Well, you see," Futaba began, "Everyone in our family, actually,
everyone in our 'tribe', since there are technically nearly twenty
families
with over a thousand of us, has a genetic trait unique to us. Whenever
any of us gets tense or excited, we change genders. It seems your

father

thought that, if you could change sexes as well, you could marry into
the family."

"What?!" Realization began to sink in. "If you want me to marry one of
them...and they all change sexes when excited...then...then *that*
means THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THE BRIDE!?!!" She grabbed
Genma and hoisted him by his shirt. "Tell me this is all a joke Old
Man,"
she growled, hatred in her eyes.

"Um, well...no, it isn't."

"Wrong answer!" Ranma-chan threw her father into the koi pond.

Everyone stared as Ranma-chan and the panda began fighting again.
The panda was doing surprisingly well against her for someone with an
injured hand and no depth perception.

"Well, not the bride," Soun explained. "However, you must realize that
our family's unusual, er, trait means that it's the girls who are the
fathers."

I'd suggest moving this paragraph up a little and having the fight
start after this.

No, I like Ranma figuring out that he has to be female for at least part 
of the deal, then finding out that he is expected to bear children, then 
blowing his top. 

"WHAT?! YOU MEAN I GOTTA GET *PREGNANT*?!?!!" Ranma-
chan became angrier still and pressed her attack on her father even
harder. Several blows broke through the panda's defenses.

"Cut it out!" Futaba and Nabiki each grabbed one of Ranma-chan's
arms and pinned her to the floor. Soun sat on her feet to keep her 

from

kicking.

The Panda should take some serious damage to cause the Tendo's to
intervene.

Okay. "The others heard a sickening crunch as one blow struck the 
panda's lower chest..."

And I am suprised that Nabiki is in, while Akane is not.  This might be
a
good place for Futaba to try a wrestling move like a pinning hold.
Also,
they should get a shock at how strong Ranma is, Onna-Ranma could
wield Ryouga's umbrella with one hand after all.

Okay, all five will pin Ranma, and just barely manage it.

"Whoa, calm down!" Futaba said. "I know it's a big shock and all, but
killing your dad isn't going to do anything except make him dead."

Ranma's reply:
This is a matter of family honor ruled over by the head of the family.
If I kill Genma then I'm the head of the family and can break an
honorable agreement.  Besides, it'll make me feel better.

Futaba is good. ^_^

It should be less coherent, but that might work.
Ranma: That's the point! It's his stupid promise, and he's gonna pay for 
it!

"Well, you have to admit," Kasumi said, "Ranma *did* grow up
expecting to be male all the time. This must really be a shock for 

him"

"It's really not as bad as it sounds, Ranma," said Soun.

Ranma-chan finally calmed down after another minute of struggling.
There was no way she could fight off all three of them in her current
condition.

Condition?  What Condition?  If you mean female... I think Ranma could
give it a really good shot.  I'd rephrase it so that it reads more like
Ranma
couldn't break the hold the three (or however many) had on her.  And
since when did Ranma give up after a minute?

All right. I'll make controlling her only barely possible, requiring 
Kasumi to use a pressure point on her, which will effectively negate all 
resistance.

Soun grabbed a teakettle and poured scalding water onto Ranma-chan.
"When doused with cold water, you become a girl, but hot water turns
you back into a boy."

"Yeow! Hot water, not boiling!" Ranma exclaimed while the panda
grabbed the teakettle for himself.

Ranma seems to have calmed down a little too fast and too easily here.
I'd pour the boiling water on the Panda, and I'd have Kasumi do it.
I don't think Soun would really want to let go of Ranma.  At this point
they've asked Ranma to calm down and are still holding her (you haven't
said she was released or anything) and turning Ranma male would
be a bad idea, Ranma is a better fighter as a boy.

Check.

"Then everything should work out just fine," said Soun. "I have three
daughters: my eldest daughter, Kasumi, nineteen, my middle daughter,
Nabiki, seventeen, and my youngest daughter, Akane, sixteen. Pick
whichever one you want, and she'll be your fiancee."

"Father, I really don't know if I can marry an outsider," said Kasumi.

Soun is rushing things here, still it is like him.  Kasumi has a nice
response.

"You know," said Nabiki, "maybe we should pair him up with Akane."

"What?!" Akane demanded. "Why me?"

"Well, you both love martial arts, and this would be the perfect 

excuse

for getting rid of all of those boys at school," said Nabiki.

The reason Nabiki should give is that the marriage is to join the 2
schools
of Anything Goes and Akane is the Tendo representitive.  If you want
Nabiki to actually be a (sort of) martial artist in this timeline then
you should
mention it earlier - back when Nabiki comes up to Akane and Futaba's
sparring (if Nabiki does martial arts then she could be asked if she
wants to join in).

Okay.

"You must be joking! Why don't we give him to Futaba?"

"No thanks," said Futaba. "Besides, the agreement was to match Ranma
with one of the children of Soun Tendou."

"There's no way I'm marrying some pervert!"

Calling Ranma a pervert here... is a little rash, and it's not clear 

who

said it.  I assume Akane but it could be argued.

All right. I'll change that too.

Akane finally released what was left of her weakening control over her
anger. He looked around for something heavy to clobber Ranma with.
The table was handy, so he brought it crashing down onto his head.

"Now *that* he had coming to him," observed Genma.

If you really *MUST* have Akane clobber Ranma - extend Ranma's anger
at Genma and have Akane flatten him to save Genma.  The argument
just seems contrived.  Plus Genma can praise Akane and tell everyone
that
Ranma needs a strong woman to control him. ^_^

Check.

Akane-kun scowled as he climbed out of the bathtub. 'Make a fool of
me, eh? That...that... arrrrgh!'

As he headed out of the bath, he came face-to-face with Ranma. He
noticed that he was just as naked as himself.

"I, um...that is..."

Why is Ranma stuttering?  Ranma has problems with girls.  Akane is
currently a boy.  I really can't see Ranma being uncertain here.

As a suggestion for consideration, put a Kasumi-Nabiki waiting for
Ranma to wake up scene in.  Have Kasumi and Nabiki discuss the
options and situation between themselves.  Establish their perspective
on the current situation and how they feel it should go.  Don't do a
"Akane
is a violent maniac" copy, but do take the opportunity to set-up the
position of the household (Kasumi & Nabiki can talk about what the
others are up to after all).

Any more specific ideas on this part?

"I just don't know what to do with you. Coz," Futaba said as he
bandaged Akane-kun's hand. "Maybe you should give him a break. It
sounds to me like he was railroaded into this whole thing."

"Well..." Akane-kun began.

What's Coz by the way?  I thought the usual abbreviation for cousin
was Cuz.  and if it's something else I'd like to know.

That's just how I always saw it spelled. Would you prefer "itoko-chan"?

"Just give it a while," said Genma. "Things are bound to get better
sooner or later."

"Only because they can't get much worse," Ranma retorted.

I really do have trouble seeing Ranma forgiving Genma this quickly.
They should still be at the fight on sight stage, although Ranma
would be past the "hunt him down" stage.

I'll change it so that Ranma is grumbling to himself instead of honoring 
his father with a response.



Phil

prohackr@hotmail.com


______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com