Subject: [FFML][R.5][SPAMFIC] Pointless 1/2
From: "Miko" <nausicaa@sprynet.com>
Date: 8/29/1998, 8:38 PM
To:

If you suspect that I've had too little sleep and have read too many
fanfics lately, well... you might be right.

Pointless 1/2
M A Davis / Miko

     It was a typical day in a fan fiction.  Ranma was beaten
senseless for insulting Akane's cooking, and the whole scene was
so derivative that we won't even discuss it further.

     Three scenes followed, involving Kuno, Ryoga, Shampoo
and Mousse.  I'm sure you know  the details already.

     In the fourth scene, Ranma tossed a coin into a wishing
well.  A water spirit appeared.

     "I'll fix your curse!" he said, "but I'll have to give it to
Akane instead!  It's all part of the conservation of fan fiction
plots!"

     "Haven't I seen you in another fic?" Ranma asked.

     "Maybe," the little man said, disappearing.

     Rain fell.  Akane changed.  Ranma didn't.

     "Great," Akane said, "I'm a guy.  How many chapters am I
going to be this way?"

     "I don't know," Ranma said.  "Maybe forever, if the story
isn't finished."

     Kuno reappeared. He tossed a red soulmate cord at them,
and they swapped bodies.

     "Even worse," Akane said.

     Nabiki appeared.  "Here, have a monkey brooch," she said.
"But you'lll owe me 100,000 yen for this."

     One head-bump later they were in their own bodies again.  Then,
through a clever deus ex machina that I'm too lazy to detail at the
moment, Ranma got his curse back.  A gratuitous sex scene
followed, with both changing genders frequently.

     Afterwards, Ranma had a heart-to-heart with his very best
friend, Ukyo.

     "You realize," Ukyo said, "that if you marry Akane you're
just gonna end up in a brain-damaged coma or something."

     "Some would argue the point," Ranma replied.  "Anyway,
I've gotta go get splashed with chiisui-ton water, after which I'll
probably marry some guy and get pregnant.  Or was that slash my
wrists, wind up in an insane asylum, and fall in love with Kuno?  I
guess it depends on who writes it."

     "Aiyaa! Airen!  Aiyaa aiyaa aiyaa!" someone, they weren't
sure who, exclaimed.  Passion-spice bombs landed all around
them, producing massive clouds of the non-canonical substance.
A completely gratuitous and unnecessary lemon orgy followed,
involving ellipses and drawn-out screaming of people's names.
Not to mention a lemon.

     Later, after Ranma had returned from the insane asylum,
Dr. Tofu showed up.

     "With this incense burner," he said, "I can cure Ranma of
his curse forever!  True, there will be an all-female Ranma created
as a side effect, but after all, this is fan fiction."

     "All right!" Ranma exclaimed.  "A straight cure would be
boring!"

     "Cure me too!" Akane said.

     Tofu burned some incense, chanted a little, and presto!
There was now a male and a female Ranma, and a male and a
female Akane.

     "Wow," Ranmas said.

     "This could get interesting," Akanes said, and for a while it
did.  Then Happosai showed up with more Nyanniichuan (spring
of drowned girl), Genma arrived with Nanniichuan (spring of
drowned man), and Tarou arrived with some
Shuanshontsuniichuan (spring of drowned twins).  Things got even
more interesting.  Before you knew it, there were multiple versions
of everyone, in both sexes.  After the author tossed in a koi love
rod, a reversal jewel, and more passion spice,  various fight scenes
and lemon scenes ensued.

     Suddenly, in a move everyone applauded, the writer's
creativity was stifled by opinions disguised as commentary.

The End

     In the sequel, which I'll continue to talk about but never
actually write, we throw in a bunch of alternative and crossover
universes, a few lemons, and various other fruits and vegetables.

Miko!

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather a scornful tone, "it
means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many
different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's
all."

(Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking-Glass)

Nausicaa@sprynet.com   Belldandy@angelic.com
Anime rpg at http://come.to/akane/
Fan Fiction at http://listen.to/bell/