Subject: RE: [FFML] [3 of 3][Ranma][Fanfic] Waters Under Earth - Chapter 23
From: "Alan Harnum" <harnums@hotmail.com>
Date: 8/27/1998, 1:35 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

trace of anything but happiness vanishing like the wind.  "No, 
no, father, I'd be delighted to have Tofu for dinner.  I'm just

You realize how that sounds, don't you?

Maybe.  How do you think it sounds?

situation came upon her, and she could not hold back the helpless
fear, could not hold back the need to weep.


    The bag rustled as she hunted down the last few crackers
remaining and pulled them out all at once, then proceeded to

You missed a segment break here

Hmm?  Don't think so, that's still Nabiki's perspective for those two 
paragraphs.

    "Wonderful!" Kasumi spouted, sounding as if she really meant
it.  "Nabiki, why don't the two of you wait in the dining room?"

I'd reconsider "spouted."  Maybe "exclaimed?"  

Yup, that works better.  Thanks.


    "What is it you do, exactly?" Nodoka asked.  "Are you a
fighter, like..."

    She trailed off for a moment.  "Like my son."
    
    Tarou nodded.  "Yeah.  But I'm better."
    
    He felt a familiar smirk grow on his face.  "Mostly, though,
I wander."

I was a little confused by the placement of paragraph breaks in
this section.  They way they segmented up the dialogue was sort 
of disorienting.

Will see what I can do to make it a little less confusing.

Another fine chapter.  By the time dinner rolled around, the nervous
tension reached excruciating levels.  Very well done.  I've enjoyed
the way you've played the theme of "deeper waters beneath the 
surface" throughout every aspect of the story, from the major plot
elements to the individual characters.  You've got so much going
on that it is sometimes challenging to keep track of it all, but I 
wouldn't cut any of the subplots out.  

Neither would I.  I never really meant for it to become as long as it 
has, but as I wrote, I had so many other ideas begin to emerge that I 
liked so much that I had to put them in.

This is one of those stories that, when it ends, I intend to go back
and read straight through from start to finish.  I'm looking forward
to the experience.

Hopefully so.  You may be in for something of a wait, though.  ;)

Ciao,
-Alan Harnum

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