Subject: Re: [FFML] [ffml][ranma] Five days part1
From: "Leahcim Now" <skeezy5@hotmail.com>
Date: 8/21/1998, 5:21 AM
To: ffml@fanfic.com, sbyang@hotmail.com



August 10

	Ranma ascended the steps of Jusenkyo tower as the sun slowly sank into 
the horizon.


Should be "Jusenkyo Tower" 

	Akane! I wish you could see this. A year, how time flys!


Mmm...  Put this in "thought" indicators, whether single quotes
or astericks.

	The Amazonians were no longer the backward, non-conforming people that 
they used to be. Their power and influence had reached far the last ten 
years. Under the guidance of Cologne, Mousse, Shampoo, and Ranma, they 
were now one of the three 'powers' of China.


I'm assuming you'll explain how all this came about.  At the
moment, however, I'm looking at it rather skepticaly.

	Ranma sat down at a table and ordered some more wine. The villagers 
that worked up here all knew him by heart and let him keep his distance 
and privacy.


Awkward.  You don't know a person by heart.  You know songs, 
stories, or poems by heart.  

	It was rumored that China would be under their influence if these 
three 
were ever united. While they still had miles to go before they could 
stand toe to toe with the great army, the number of government 
officials 
and businesses they'd gained control over could safely put control of 
China into their hands. 


Change "influence" to "control".  If they are "powers", then they
already have an influence.  

	This would only be feasible if they were united. And therein lies the 
problem.


"lies" Wrong tense.

	The three 'powers' had held an interesting balance as they mutually 
grew and expanded. They were so closely matched in power that no one 
'power' could control any other 'power.' 


First sentance is awkward.  "Mutual" carries the conotation of 
help or symbiosis.  

	The musk dyansty's Herb, Mint, and Lime; Phenoix tower's child god 
Saffron; the Amazonian quartet of Ranma, Mousse, Shampoo, and Cologne; 
these were the leaders of the three 'powers.' Their names were 
whispered 
around Asia as being the top martial artists of their time.


So why aren't they making movies in Hong Kong?  ^_^

	Ranma, Cologne, Herb, and Saffron were all on top ten list of China's 
martial artists.


Repetitive.  Combine with last paragraph.

	With these great leaders and enthusiastic followers, all three clans 
had developed at an amazing pace. All three clans had lived in peace as 
they mutually flourished and rose to power. The three 'powers' knew 
they 
were evenly matched and was willing to keep it that way. The leaders 
knew that if two of the 'powers' were to fight, the true victor would 
be 
the third 'power.' 


Again, the word "mutual" carries the wrong tone.   Mmm... btw, 
the tripodal structure of balance rarely grows at the same
rate.  In most cases, the two weaker ones will team up on the
stronger one and suppress them.  Again, you've developed a
story for the last ten years, and since its your story, you
can do whatever you want.  Just saying that its not very likely.

	Cologne, why did you have to go? Akane, why did you have to go?


Again, single quotes or astericks.  This thought could be written
like this only if your piece was written in 1st person.

	A tear fell onto the table as Ranma felt the sting in his heart. The 
almost-full moon appeared as night descended upon the triangle of 
power, 
as people have come to refer to this area.


"Triangle of Power"  If that's what people call it, it should be
capitalized and in single quotes.

	August 15th, five more days. One year gone past. Akane left on a night 
like this, full moon, clear sky, shining stars. 


Closer to stream of thought than narrarration.  You should stick
to a uniform style.  Probably narrarration.  

	Ranma recalled every detail of that night. She was in his arms as they 
sat alone amisdt the cursed pools of water. His was unable to stop his 
tears as she laughed and gently petted his head. 
	

The recollection should be in past perfect tense.
(I think that's what its called.  At least it is
in French.)

	Nearly inaudible footsteps alerted Ranma to the presence of a martial 
arts master. He smiled sadly when he saw the top level to be empty. He 
didn't even notice when the workers left.


The first time I read it, I thought this was part of the flashback
due to the tensing problem in the previous paragraph.  Also, 
the last sentance should also be in past perfect tense.

	Ranma knew by the famaliar footsteps that it was Mousse. Mousse, Once 
his sworn enemy and now his best friend; No, 'friends' was not enough 
to 
describe their relationship, 'brothers' was a better word. Mousse, the 
underappreciated genius general who the Amazons could not have 
succeeded 
without. Mousse, or Mu Tsu, who was slowly being pushed out of power by 
the new generation of Amazons.


Grammar...  

	Mousse was closing in on thirty years of age now. He had an air of 
command and confidence that could have only been developed with 
experience and age. The hidden weapons master still wore his long, 
flowing robes. But his heavy glasses were replaced with contact lenses, 
another sign of the changing of the times.


"closing in on thirty" is a weird way to say it...

	"So Mousse, come to have a farewell drink with your old friend?" Ranma 
asked as he poured wine for himself and Mousse.


Where'd he get the extra cup from?

	"Forgive my words friend, you know that I've been under some stress 
lately. Lon Qing.....that little.....he finally managed to do it Ranma! 
He finally managed destroy ten years of hard work with one single 
stroke!" Mousse grew angrier and angrier as he spoke, slapping the 
table 
and downing his drink with one sip.


"...he finally managed" he?  

	Ranma signed himself, Lon Qing was the successor to Cologne's throne, 
the new elder of the Amazons. The position should have been Shampoo's, 
but her marriage had disqualified her, leaving Cologne's other 
grandaughter to take over as the new leader of the Amazons.


Mmm...  For many reasons, Cologne could not have been the ruler
of the Amazons.  It is doubtful that the ruler would just take
off for another country just to help her great-granddaughter
snag a man, no matter how strong.  Plus, if Shampoos' marriage
disqualifies her, how did Cologne become the ruler?  She didn't
get great-grandchildren out of nowhere.  Another minor point
is that in such a warrior society, I doubt that tribal leadership
was hereditary.  In a society that places so much value in the
individual's abilites, it is more likely that there would be 
some sort of a test or tourney to determine the next ruler.

	Even though no one undermined her authority, Lon Qing still couldn't 
stand having Ranma's gang around. Over the last two years, she 
gradually 
demoted or transfered Mousse's supporters and replaced them with 
younger 
Amazons who were loyal to her. Today the Amazon village was almost 
completely filled with her younger warriors. Yesterday She'd finally 
sent orders to have Mousse transfered to Beijing.


grammar...

	"You know that I'm not afraid of death Ranma. I overcame that fear a 
long time ago. But I can't bear to see her do this to our village! She 
actually agreed to an arranged marriage with Herb! While she's stupid 
enough to think that this union could bring the defeat of Saffron, I 
know that this is the perfect opportunity for Herb to take over our 
village! How could that little girl be a match for someone like Herb?!" 
Mousse's tone grew colder as  he released his pent up anger.


Mmm...  It seems Lon Qing is a bit young to lead the Amazons.
Besides, if she is as petty as she seems, I doubt Cologne 
would have chosen her as the successor.  If nothing else, 
Cologne was sharp.  I doubt she would've created such a situation
where the Amazons would stand divided among themselves...

	"Please stop doing this Ranma." Mousse said with concern as he 
prevented Ranma from drinking. "No one can beat the desease of 
alcoholism. Not even great martial artists. You'll hurt your body this 
way." 


You'd be surprised how many "great martial artists" in classic
and modern Chinese literature also happen to be bottomless 
barrels when it comes to the bottle...

	Mousse signed heavily as Ranma shook him off and downed another glass. 
Lon Qing would not have rose to complete power so quickly if Ranma was 
around. Herb and Saffron would have thought twice about invading the 
village if Ranma was still his old self. 


"if Ranma was around"  should be reworded.  Ranma was there,
merely inactive.

	Mousse stood up and smiled sadly. "I'm not worried about myself Ranma. 
Even Saffron would have to pay a heavy price if he tried anything 
against me. I'm more worried about you. You'll be alone here after I 
leave, and you know that Herb and Saffron have you marked."


Herb?  I suppose.  At the end of the Herb arc though, Ranma
saved Herb, and Herb did seem somewhat impressed by that.
I suppose the events of the last ten years changed that.

	"We stopped all of Lon Qing's scouts sir. This is the first time we 
actually disobeyed her orders. She'll be more difficult to deal with 
now." Xujen's tone sounded anything but worried.


People who lead dangerous lives don't survive by ignoring danger.
If Lon Qing is as powerful as you say, Xujen should be worried.
Also, you should be consistent with your names.  Xujen should
be "Xu Jen".

	But was this the calm before the storm? Will the tower still stand 
after tomorrow? What will happen to the 'three powers' after the 
unification of the musk dynasty and the Amazons?


Uhh...  Awkward to say the least.  Who's thoughts are these?
The narrarrator's?  Dramatic sayings by the narrarrator are
okay in TV shows, but in writing, its kinda sketchy...

	Five days, Five days until the one year anniversary of Akane's 
passing. 
What will happee in these five days?



All in all, not a bad idea.  You'll have to come up with some
pretty solid explanations to the situation you've setup, but
if you do, it'll stabilize a lot of the shakiness.  

Can't say much on the plot, since you're still setting up the
situation

You should also find somebody who is a hardcore grammar checker.

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