Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic][Revised] Hearts and Minds Prelude 5 - Tendo Akane: Something Old
From: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
Date: 8/19/1998, 7:53 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

graysont@rigroup.net (RIG NET- Grayson Towler) wrote:



	"I'll be happy to see you too, Kuno-sempai. Goodbye, see you
soon."

"Sempai," still?  Is that an old reflex or do people keep using those
honorifics even aft they're out of school.  Just curious.

According to Dave Eddy, they do. Akane used "Kuno-san" in the first
draft of this way back when, and he corrected me on it.

	The life Kasumi had chosen had surprised everyone. Akane had
expected her to be married with a family of six by now. 

And, of course, we all can't wait to see what that life is (*grin*).

Soon....

	Soun was at the grocery store. Akane's food didn't usually
inspire the immediate bad reactions it once had, but it still left a lot
to be desired in terms of taste. She worked on it when she could, but
improvement was slow and difficult. So Soun did most of the cooking, and
he had become pretty good at it.

Quibble, quibble.  If we're sort of inside Akane's head right now, maybe it
should be "father" or "her father" instead of "Soun."

Yeah, good idea.

	"I'm... sorry... I didn't mean... I just meant that... if *you*
don't mind... then I don't."

	"Really?" Ranma turned hesitantly back toward Akane.

	Big romantic moment?

	Close enough.


I love it!  This is a perfect Ranma and Akane moment.


Thanks; this was one of my favorite scenes to write.


	Or he could just do nothing. Trust Akane to handle whatever was
going on.

	Now there was a plan. Cunning in its simplicity. It was the
clever plan to end all clever plans. But would it work? Or would Akane
and Koichi end up the ones married next week?

	Ranma stepped out of the tub. He toweled himself off and started
to dress. He wouldn't do anything... for now. Tomorrow, he wasn't sure
about.


This part was also really cool.  I like how the characters are growing up
little by little, rather than in the leaps and bounds we sometimes see in
fanfics.

Glad you liked it. I'm trying to let them progress gradually, while
still (hopefully) keeping true to the spirit of the characters.



	Koichi smiled wistfully as he pulled out his credit card. After
all these years, Akane was still the same idealistic little girl that he
<snip>
to do. Akane wouldn't understand. Sometimes Koichi felt like even he
himself didn't understand.


Are we going to see more of this guy?
Probably not.

 I'm not sure if this bit of exposition
about his thoughts is really necessary if we aren't.

I'm not sure either. I added it to humanize Koichi a bit instead of
letting him be a total jerk. I might end up cutting it... I'll see what
the people on FFIRC have to say about it.


	"Don't worry, Tendo." Genma gave his old friend a pat on the
back. "This place is all the way across town. What's the chance anyone's
going to find us here?"

Famous last words.

To which the answer is, "Pretty darn good!"

	Ranma was the first to react. "Hey, you got rid of him! Way to
go! Uh... you *were* just pretending, right? You don't actually... LIKE
that..."

	Kaede smiled wistfully. "He's not a bad person, deep down."

	"Love is blind," Akane said quietly to Ranma. "And deaf,
and...."

"...insane?" 
You've got an extra period in your ellipsis there.

I thought it was supposed to be four when it ends a sentence.


	She thought about the man she was marrying. He often insulted
and provoked her; but he didn't deserve the way she sometimes treated
him. Did she unconsciously try to hurt Ranma, to get back at Koichi?


Not a bad bit of speculation about why Akane is the way she is.  

I think this makes more sense than blaming everything on the death of
her mother. Much of her anger seems to come into play when people
interfere in her relationships in one way or other.


	A man walked into the foyer area of Romance Villa. "Hello. I'd
like to get married, please."

	"I'm sorry," Mousse said proudly, "but I cannot marry you, for
my heart is given to darling Shampoo."


That was really funny to me, for some reason.

Blame it on too much Monty Python. :)

	"I... I...." Shampoo looked all around the room, as if searching
for a friendly face. Except for Kasumi, who still smiled blissfully, the
Saotomes and Tendos stared at her coldly. Kaede, Ryoga, and Akari
glanced nervously around the room; the priest seemed completely
confused; and Hiroshi and Daisuke gazed at the Amazon's legs.


Well, that's SORT of friendly, isn't it?

Daisuke: Yeah! WE thought so! I mean, we wouldn't kick Shampoo out of
OUR wedding!

Hiroshi: Or out of our honeymoon, even!

Gary: Do you guys mind? I'm trying to answer this mail!


	Mousse stood up as his gaze panned over, to Ranma, who glared at
him with extreme hostility. Wet. And female. "Um... oops," Mousse said
feebly.

There's a certain grim comfort in inevitability, is there not?

There is indeed!


	"What is it, Shampoo?" Ranma asked. "What the heck is going on?"

	"It Great-Grandmother. She need you come right now PLEASE!"

	"That old ghoul? What does she want?"

	Shampoo's gazed with eyes that were truly haunted.
"Great-Grandmother is dying!"


My God... Shampoo really DID have an emergency!  Truly amazing.

Yep, as you'll see in the next part.

Another very nice chapter.  The bit with the Monopoly game was a lot of
fun.  

Did you consider including a last-minute panic scene for Ranma or Akane before 
the wedding?  I've observed that there seems to be a certain moment of realization
for many people as they're heading towards the critical exchange of rings when
the enormity of what they're doing finally sinks in.  I think Ranma would be more
prone to such a thing than Akane, and this wasn't actually his chapter... just a 
thought.

It's an idea... I'll think about it.

 And did they have any bachelor/bachelorette parties, or were they just
(somehow) unveventful?

I couldn't think of anything all that interesting to happen at them, so
I didn't include any scenes from one. (Ranma would probably end up in
girl form, jumping out of his own cake. ^_^) Maybe I'll do (or draft
someone else into doing) a side story dealing with more of the pre- and
post- wedding events.

Not sure about an alternative for the chapter title.  I think "Something Old, Something 
New" might round it out a little better.  

Will think about it.


TO BE CONTINUED...


Looking forward to it, as always.

As always, I appreciate the C&C!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics