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ANIME DEATH MATCH
Inspired by MTV's Celebrity Death Match.
WARNING: Gratuitous Language and Extreme Violence will be depicted.
Don't watch if it makes you queasy.
===================================
[Scene: Two people sitting in a titanium tower overlooking a
ring. Thousands of fans are cheering or booing. The roar is continous,
though. We look to the two in the tower.]
?????: Welcome to Anime Death Match. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels. ?????, tonight's Anime Death Match
promises to be a big one. We've got Rei III vs. Akane Tendo fighting
for the "Greatest Bitch in the Universe", the Power Rangers vs the
Sailor Senshi trying for the "Cheesiest Lines Ever Said", and Chris "God
Boy" Angel vs. Brett Handy competing for the "Best New Deity of the
Year".
?????: And our title match, John Walter Biles vs. Jang Choe (owner of
Bile Productions) battling for the "Right to Use 'Bile' in Their Webpage
Title'.
A-kun: Now, many people don't know the deal behind these fights, so
we'll explain them. In a fight between NERV's Gendo Ikari and GENOM's
Brian J. Mason for the "Biggest Bastard" title, Rei III brought Unit 00
in and squished Brian, then blew Gendo away. Rei III declared herself
the greatest bitch in the universe. Since this is Akane's hereditary
title, Akane got pissed and has challenged Rei III to an cage death
match.
?????: The Power Rangers' Kimberly, after getting tanked at last year's
christmas party, said to a tanked Rei Hino, that she could make a
"stupderi" speech then Rei. Of course, this just snowballed into the
incident that lead up to this match.
A-kun: Chris and Brett both have characters in the Ah! Megami-sama
universe, so we just thought it'd be funnier than all hell if they
fought.
?????: Same deal with John Walter Biles and Jang Choe.
A-kun: Let's compare our first combatants.
Akane Tendo:
- A Tomboy
- Uses mallets
- Is a Full Bitch Queen.
- Owns the title of "Greatest Bitch of the Universe".
?????: The Mallet may be a hinderance against Akane in this match.
Mainly because of Rei III's defence.
Rei III:
- Generates an exceedingly powerful AT field even without her Eva.
- Has yet to be killed, unlike Rei I and Rei II.
- We aren't sure of her personality as we only saw episodes 25 and 26
recently.
- Is challenging Akane for the title of the "Greatest Bitch of the
Universe".
A-kun: Looks like both of our combatants are entering the ring now.
========
Referee Setsuna Meiou: [as both Akane and Rei near the middle of the
ring] I don't wanna see any Evangelions, I don't wanna see any assists
by boys who are mooning over EITHER of you and I don't wanna see any
paid mercs or friends helping either of you. I wanna good, clean fight.
Now, LET'S GET IT ON! [leaps into the rafters.]
[Akane leaps at Rei, but misses as Rei calmly steps aside.
Akane hits the mat and is still. Rei smirks and is about to kick Akane
up when suddenly, she clutches her stomach and turns bright green. Rei
III collaspes.]
A-kun's VO: What's the deal?
?????'s VO: My lord! They've been POISONED!
Kodachi: Ohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohohoho! _I'M_ the
greatest bitch in the universe!
TharzZzDunN: [wearing a neon green g-string and nothing else (he also
has M. Bison's psycho power circling him)] Oh DARLING!!! [melts into a
puddle of his own drool on the ceiling]
Rei IV: I don't wanna get on your bad side, so I won't dispute. Thanks
for getting rid of that bitch for me, though.
Kodachi: No problem. Ohohohohohohohohoho!!
?????'s VO: It looks like Kodachi Kuno has just stolen the title of
"Greatest Bitch in the Universe" for herself!
A-kun's VO: One hell of a turnabout, wouldn't you say, ????? ?
?????'s VO: Indeed.
========
[Scene: The Tower. Both Authors have finished discussing the
advantages and disadvatages of having Anti-Matter drives.]
A-kun: Ah, welcome back. Our next match, the Sailor Senshi vs. the
Power Rangers is about to begin.
?????: Let's examine the teams, shall we?
The Sailor Senshi:
- Will have Star-level Powers
- Have fewer power levels than the Power Rangers
- Have strange speeches about things that have little meaning to the
creature they're lecturing
- They fight with magical abilities that can't be affected by some dumb
schmuck who was stuffed into a tube
A-kun: Hmmm. Well, let's see the Power Rangers.
The Power Rangers:
- have silly weapons, cheesy attacks and ridiculously named power levels
- have gotten out of jams by getting a new power level
- can call giant robots called "Zords", but Referee Setsuna has banned
them as they have nothing to do with the fight
- will be at Ninja level
?????: The Power Rangers seem to be carrying heavy firepower, while the
Senshi are backed by the ability to upgrade on the fly.
A-kun: Looks like both teams are entering the ring now.
=======
[Scene: The ring.]
Referee Setsuna Meiou: [As Sailor Moon and the Red Ranger near the
center of the ring] I don't wanna see any Zords, I don't wanna see any
'formerly-unknown powers', I don't wanna hear any communicators, and I
ESPECIALLY don't wanna hear any whining, screaming or bawling, got that?
That goes double for you, Kimberly. LET'S GET IT ON! [Leaps into the
rafters for safety]
[The senshi transform, causing the Red, Blue, Black and White
Rangers to drool and the Yellow and Pink Rangers to get unbelieveably
jealous. Finally, the Rangers transform and leap at the Senshi. The
White Ranger growled in annoyance as Tuxedo Kamen leapt around throwing
roses at him.]
White Ranger: Hey, knock it off, Fairy Boy!
Tuxedo Kamen: [taunting] I may seem like a fairy, but you haven't hit me
yet.
White Ranger: [thinking] Dammit! He's right! If I don't hit him soon,
I'll be done for! [outloud] Saba! Sic 'em!
[The White Ranger's trusty sword leapt out of it's sheath, flew
at Tuxedo Kamen and began gnawing ineffectively on Tuxedo's cape.
Meanwhile, Blue Ranger and Mercury had connected their computers and
were chatting online. Not fighting at all, just chatting. Venus and
Yellow began firing laser beams at each other and doing ridiculously
large leaps to avoid the other's beam. Mars and Red Ranger were
fighting in the Sentai Karate Fighting. Jupiter was pounding Black
Ranger, trying to get the perverted Ranger off of her. Meanwhile, Moon
and Pink were talking about how annoying dimensional or time travellers
could be while sipping tea.]
Pink Ranger: This is some good tea.
Moon: Thanks. It took Mako-chan a few weeks to teach me how to do it
right. You know, we Japanese take our tea VERY seriously.
Pink Ranger: Well, I wouldn't mind taking it seriously either if it was
THIS good.
[Saba had just finished trying to poop in Kamen's shoes before
Kamen threw a rose into it, blowing it to pieces and leaving a big pile
of sword poo in the middle of the ring. White Ranger, after recovering
from the shock of having his sword destroyed, leapt at Kamen. Both men
struggled and tried to shove the other's face in the sword poo.
Meanwhile, Mars and Red Ranger had decided to finish the battle in the
Minnesotan Shove Fighting Style. They had draw a line behind each other
and took turns punching the other in arm, trying to knock the other over
the line that was behind the other. Finally, Red Ranger fell on his
duff over his line.]
Red Ranger: Damn! [glumly] You win.
[Mars danced happily. Finally, she had gotten through a fight
without some damn author having her get the living snot beaten out of
her. Sure, her arms were tired and she'd have a big bruise tomorrow,
but it wasn't damage that would require a visit to the hospital. Venus
had finally chained Yellow Ranger up and the two girls were busy
discussing the advantages and disadvantages to their powers.]
Yellow Ranger: At least your powers can change. With me and the
Rangers, we all have the same weapons and stuff. It's only the weapons
that are different.
Venus: Yes, but at least you guys have weapons and that minor force
shield that prevents most damage from getting through.
Yellow Ranger: True, but our strength and speed in civilian form remains
the same. You guys get stronger and faster.
Jupiter: SUPREME THUNDER!!!!
[Both duck as electricity flies above them.]
Black Ranger: [off-screen] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Jupiter: GET OFF, YOU HENTAI!!!
Black Ranger: But, baby, we were meant to be-
Jupiter: SPARKLING WIDE PRESSURE!!
*KAAAAAAAAAAABOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
[The Black Ranger flies past them. Both girls ignore him as
Jupiter races passed to finish the job.]
Venus: But think how much we have to restrain ourselves. It's a bit of
a pain. Not to mention that you guys have more opportunities to flex
your power. With us, every time we manage to defeat the main villian,
we have to wait weeks, months, maybe even years before another bad guy
shows up and we have to power up to beat them. Not to mention that you
guys have four levels of opponents. The scuzzy underlings, the
monsters, the right-hand men, and the main bad guys.
Yellow Ranger: Hey, it's not all fun and games. It's quite embarrassing
when the scuzzy underlings can beat you. Not to mention we have crappy
plot devices and such. Have you ever seen some of Zed's creations
during the second season? Good lord, I've seen some Ranma 1/2 cartoons
that weren't that bad compared to those costumes.
[Venus glares at her.]
Yellow Ranger: I don't mean the first TV season, I'm talking about
afterwards. You have to admit that some of the later episodes were far
LESS than average even for American cartoons. Like the way in the
'Tough Cookies' episodes, Akane, Ranma and Genma looked LESS then
appealing.
Venus: True.
Yellow Ranger: And the bad fanfics....brrrr!
Venus: And the horrible crossovers!
Yellow Ranger: The way you have to be toned down or 'powered up' to
help?
Venus: Or the way you're just ignored? Like me?
Yellow Ranger: I know. I mean, at least in the manga, you guys make
more sense, the art's cleaned up and it's really cool to see you guys in
action. Ever see our comic books? Brrr! I swear, we look like we were
drawn, then the executive's drooling three year old kid scribbled and
drooled on us.
Tuxedo Kamen: [from off screen] HAHA! I win!!
White Ranger: [from off screen as well] I'LL GET YOU FOR THAT!!!
[Kamen is chased on and off screen by the White Ranger who has
something better left unmentioned on his formerly white helmet.]
Venus: And the way the corps cut costs? Or the way we were just cut
off?
Yellow Ranger: I know. And just when it was getting interesting. At
least you weren't let go when Saban decided to get a bunch of losers to
replace you. I mean, from Shogun to Zeo, I got dumped. Not that I'd
want to be with those worthless pansies. I mean, could Tommy be a
LITTLE less of a focus?
Venus: Or the way that the bad guys 'just happen' to get interested in
something that you take an interest in?
Yellow Ranger: I know, get original.
Venus: Hey, wanna go shopping after this?
Yellow Ranger: Sure. Thank kami-sama I managed to get a good sized nest
egg ready before getting dumped. Hey, Kim, we're going shopping. You
and Tsukino-san wanna join us?
Moon and Pink Ranger: [in unison] Sure!
[Jupiter threw the Black Ranger out of the ring as Tuxedo Kamen
and White Ranger ran out of the arena. The rest of the Senshi and
Rangers walk off.]
Blue Ranger: I think that if we work together, we might wind up with
something really cool...
Mercury: I must agree that it'll be intriguing to see what kind of power
would come out of a melding of Power Coin and Henshin Stick.... I just
hope it isn't something as lame as that Ranger Moon story.
Blue Ranger: [as they leave the arena] I know, that really sucked.
Red Ranger: Hey, Hino-san, um... would you mind going on a date this
Saturday?
Mars: [blushing] Um... sure!
Red Ranger: Hey, cool!
Referee Setsuna Meiou: The winner, the Sailor Senshi!
=======
[Scene: The Tower. Both ????? and A-kun blinked in unison.]
A-kun: That had to be the cleanest fight in Anime Death Match history.
?????: We HAVE to write this day up on the calendar. Let's review our
next combatants, shall we?
Brett Handy:
- Urd granted him his godhood
- appointed as the God of Destiny
- has developed a relationship with Urd
- manages to set up a weird set of coincidences to get a lot of
crossovers
- his stories are somewhat realistic, save in a few places, but that's
acceptable
- is good at fencing and has a few other 'talents'
A-kun: Hmmm, though we should say that Brett brings out a few odd points
of view, he doesn't set up any defined time of arrival.
Chris "God-Boy" Angel:
- Skuld granted him his godhood
- appointed as the God of Moments
- was made into the brother of the three Norn Goddesses, Skuld, Urd, and
Belldandy
- finds ways to explain some things that bug us like how Verthandi turns
into Belldandy (good one, Chris. heh!)
- is good at using computers, but combat is one thing he's lacking in a
bit
?????: Anyway, our next combatants are entering the ring.
=======
[Scene: The ring.]
Referee Setsuna Meiou: [As God-Boy and Brett near the center of the
ring] I don't wanna see any goddesses helping, [hard glare at Urds] I
don't wanna see any 'formerly-unknown powers' [hard glare at both
dieties in the ring], I don't wanna hear any communicators with direct
link to Kami-sama, I ESPECIALLY don't wanna hear any whining, screaming
or bawling, got that? [both dieties blink] AND I don't give a rat's ass
WHAT you say about me, my powers, or our relationship, Brett, I don't
know you and I'm older than your pretty ass will ever be. Now, LET'S
GET IT ON! [Leaps into the rafters for safety]
[Brett summons his god armor and sword as does Chris.]
Brett: Hey, why are we fighting?
Chris: Hmmm, you're right. Doesn't make much sense, does it?
Urd: Brett, honey, don't forget to get the reservations for our dinner.
Brett: 'kay!
Chris: Oh, yeah. That's why. RRAAAAHHHHHH!! [Chris lunges at Brett]
[The dieties battle on for hours before finally...]
*CLUNK* *CLUNK*
[Both dieties turn to see Keiichi and Belldandy standing next to
Lina Inverse and Zelgadis from the Slayers Universe]
Keiichi: I'm sick and tired of both of you not even talking about me and
Bell-chan getting any further in our relationship.
Belldandy: So, we've hired these two from another universe. Lina, Zel,
get 'em.
Lina: DRAGON SLAVE!!!
Zelgadis: RA TILT!!!
[The blasts send both dieties flying through the ceiling.]
?????'s VO: So, um, who won?
A-kun's VO: I guess it's a tie?
=======
[Scene: The Tower. Both authors have just finished watching
Episode 26 of Evangelion.]
A-kun: What the hell is this?!
?????: I don't know.... a cop out, I think.
A-kun: [grabbing the combination TV/VCR and shaking it] Congratulate my
ass, Hideaki-sama, explain some @$%^@#^ here!
?????: Watch your language, A-kun.
A-kun: Sure, once Hideaki-sama explains some @$%^@#^ here!
?????: Our title match, John Biles versus Jang Choe- damn, looks like
they're ready. Sorry, no evaluation on this one.
A-kun: [shaking the TV/VCR more] EXPLAIN IT!!!!!
=======
[Scene: The ring.]
Referee Setsuna Meiou: [As John Walter ("Monkey Buns" to Mizuno-san)
Biles and Jang ("Keg-Meister" to Ranma) Choe near the center of the
ring] I don't wanna see any wombats, I don't wanna see any muses
getting involved, I don't wanna hear any communicators to satelite
weaponry, and I ESPECIALLY don't wanna hear any whining, screaming or
bawling, got that? That goes double for you, Choe. Now, LET'S GET IT
ON!! [Leaps into the rafters for safety]
[Jang Choe takes one step before everyone hears someone clear
their throat noisely. Everyone looks around, then back at the ring
where Referee Setsuna is raising the stunned hand of John Walter Biles.
Jang Choe is now a messy pile of Choe Bits]
Referee Setsuna: Biles is the winner! [whispering to Biles] Next lemon,
_I_ get a few 'scenes', got that?
[Biles nods nervously.]
Choe Bits: I wanna be reconstructed, then I wanna have a rematch!
?????'s VO: And it looks like Biles is being challenged for a rematch.
A-kun's VO: Well, he'll have to do it somewhere else, 'cause we're too
busy to do rematches.
=======
[Scene: The Tower.]
A-kun: Well, tonight has been a strange and weird twist of events,
hasn't it, ????? ?
?????: Indeed, A-kun. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels, saying "Good Fight"-
?????: And "Good Night"!
============================================================================
Well, this is the first episode of Anime Death Match.
Send all Comments and Criticism to:
akun16@hotmail.com
No Flames.
Flames will be deleted without being read.
A-kun:
Ex-Flamer, now reformed
Worshipper of Ukyou Kuonji
Novice Paladin at the Church of the One True Ucchan
Drooling fanboy of Makoto Kino, Mai Shiranui, Linna Yamazaki,
Priss Asagari, Sylia Stingray, Tifa Lockheart, Nene Romanova, Kasumi
Tendo, Nodoka Saotome, Ifurita (OVA), and Ami Mizuno
?????:
Worshipper of Nabiki Tendo
Moderator for combat
And often takes up this expression: O_o
Or this one: o_O
Or this one: O_O
Or this one: X_X
Or sometimes even this: XP-|-<
TharzZzDunN:
No reliable information available, but we have some interesting
rumors
Rumor 1 - Really David Letterman.
Rumor 2 - Really REALLY David Letterman.
Rumor 3 - Licks Chickens.
Rumor 4 - Just Kidding.
Rumor 5 - Was Nabiki Tendo's plush toy Evangelion-Ryo-ohki.
Rumor 6 - Got lost for thirty years in the mountains of Kansas.
Rumor 7 - Was crowned Queen of Georgia.
Rumor 8 - Rumor 7 isn't a rumor.
Rumor 9 - Rumor 8 isn't a joke.
Rumor 10 - No, really, Rumor _9_ is true.
Rumor 11 - Was once caught in a bathtub having an affair with a
new squeak toy.
Rumor 12 - Found the 'Ark of the Covenant', traded it for some
shiny nukes.
Rumor 13 - There is no rumor 13, it's his lucky number :p
Beedah!
Rumor 14 - Here's one for the gipper!
Parlor 15....uh-oh! He's infected your computer! Quick, burn
it to death, then bury the ashes in a ball of Daka and seal it into a
Protoculture Plant!
Rumor 1.6 - Thinks Keener lacks imagination and string cheese.
"You haven't got the spray canisters to take me on, Keener! You can't
handle MY special chili sauce LCL! Hugs and Kisses - TharzZzy"
Rumor 17 - Likes giving 'Special' massages to
Rumor 18 - Rumor 17 almost got us sued.
Rumor 19 - Taking on cheese is a gouda way to get your butt
kicked.
Rumor 20 - That's just bad pun-ishment, A-kun.
Rumor 21 - We've secretly replaced The Eye of God with A-chan's
Porno collection on fire. Let's see if the people of El Hazard
notice.... Nah, they're not that smart. *TWHAMGF*
Rumor 22 - There is no Rumor 22. It's TharzZzy's unlucky
number.
Rumor 23 - We've also secretly replaced Shinji Ikari's LCL with
Folger's Crystals. Let's watch to see if he notices the difference....
"AAACCKK!! PHTOOOO! ACCKK! MISATO! ASUKA! REI! RITSUKO! SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO KILL ME BY MAKING ME DRINK LUKE WARM COFFEE!! With those cute
little marshmallows......Uh-oh.....Um, Misato, I gotta ask, are these
plug-suits equipped with an internal catheter?"
Until next time!
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