(sent to the ML since I'm not sure I've got the correct addy)
Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 3
Occasionally, the line lenght slips up to 82-83 characters or so; I don't
know if the error lies in the software used to write, or the mailer, or
whatever, but it's there.
"Romance is fine, I guess." Ranma mumbled, not wanting to argue, "but
that kinds sorta impersonal if you ask me..."
kind's
"Aheh..." Tatewaki said as his father loosened the death grip hug on
him, "It was Akane actually father who..."
I suppose the awkward sentence is intentional, but it should still
be commated "Akane, actually, father, who".
"Helped talk Nabiki to go with the plan." Akane interrupted him.
talk Nabiki into going with
"Well that's obvious enough..." Akane smiled warmly at him, "If he
thought it was your idea, he'd be under the impression that you and Nabiki
want the engagement to work out. So that when we show them later on how
incompatible you two are, they won't be able to assign blame. Simple."
work out, so when we
Tatewaki, wide eyed with surprise, couldn't help but notice the
attention Akane's act had garnered. Akane was either a very convincing
actress... or she genuinely liked him. Well... he leaned more towards the
actress hypothesis... she seemed far too practical for it to be the other.
He sighed... well, he hoped that part three worked out well... and at the
same time... he hoped it wouldn't.
attention? Huh? That sounds a bit wierd.
At any rate, this is looking like it's gonna be reeeel rich...
He picked a private place and sat down, as far away from everyone as
possible, then he opened his journal and resumed writing the letter which
had been interrupted earlier.
...especially considering the next paragraph. 'course, at this point I'm
still hoping you'll surprise me and have this turn out like something
different than what it seems like. ^_^
Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 4
By the end of the school day Ranma had had to leave Akane behind.
day, Ranma
more about the ins and outs of Furinkan. As with any new place there was so
place, there
have a pretty nasty temper back then... and she's just finished training
she'd just
Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 5
two, extremely pissed off Tendos at the door. While most of these boys were
two extremely
Gosunkugi stared at Ranma, who, much like his sister Nabiki was giving
Nabiki, was
Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 6
The boy who was wearing a rather travelworn outfit, turned slowly. He
boy, who
gazed at the boar. This alone, by all rights should've given the beast
rights, should've
or preferredly
By all rights, this alone should've
The smiling boy, holding his umbrella out at arms length held the pig
length, held
huffed mightily against the blockage. It's hooves gouging deep furrows into
blockage, it's
or
gouged
lost." He added proudly.
lost," he
Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 7
"Me too..." Akane said a little worriedly. She'd immersed herself a little
too deeply in the running of Furinkan's dynamic little economy that she'd
forgotten about most of her school work. And it was an easy way to forget
a little too deeply ... and had forgotten
or
so deeply ... she'd forgotten
generous amount of steam all around. It was a great place to be especially
to be, especially
"Okay," akane replied, sinking a little lower into the warm water when the
Akane
Tatewaki blinked in surprise as Ryouga fainted. Only then realizing that
fainted, only
or
Only then did he realize
Akane Tendo was likewise in the bath and was in a similar state of
undress... on the other hand she was making no move to cover her nudity,
"undress. On" would IMO be preferably here.
Chapter 7: Lost girls...
Two chapter titles in the same chapter? Isn't that a bit excessive? ^_-
Maybe 'tis not a coincidence that seven was double length compared to
all the other ones, ne? ^_-
Behind her, in a rush, Ranma, a newly awakened Akane and the still half
asleep Kodachi stumbled out of the door. It was a good thing they'd been
jarred from their sleep as they had. The distraction kept Kodachi from
noticing, much less commenting on the night's sleeping arrangements.
Awww! And here I was looking forward to the reactions! ^_^
"Ryouga..." the girl said slowly... "I think... my name's Ryou... Ryouko?"
she said uncertainly, "Ryouko Hibiki. I think that sounds right."
Really, I find it just a *wee* bit hard to accept that not at least *one*
of them figures it out.
Hibikis. Besides, she was staring at Akane, too you know," Ranma replied.
Akane too, you know
Subject: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 8
market, through the assistance of Akane and quite frankly, the two were
Akane, and
"Oh, shut up," she said lightly, collaring him once again, but this time
pulling her towards her into a passionate kiss... There were cheers and
applause from their audience.
Really, I think you're overdoing this kissing thing ... considering how
rare an occurence it really is in the source material. Not that it
shouldn't happen at all, and I understand if you want things to developed
somewhat more quickly, but still ... I really don't think you should let
everything explode at once.
"Um... well, I spent the week between the challenge and the actual fight
learning how to actually kiss..." Ranma said sheepishly.
*rotfl* OK, I changed my mind. This is great. ^_^
Re: [FFML] Loveletters from the Edge Part 9
This posting uses some kinda' formatting? Really, I find it highly
irritating. Nevermind it also screws up quoting. Also, I think you're
overusing "..."; occasionally is OK, but not once very two sentences.
Ranma and Kodachi were spending a lot of their time together. Ryouko who
was now staying with the Kuno's also spent a lot of time sleeping over
Ryouko, who (...) Kuno's, also
at the Tendos. Well, at least as far as everyone else was concerned. Of
course Ranma knew better, after all Akane kicked him out of her room every
so often when Ryouko dropped by and he'd started getting suspicious
course, Ranma knew better; after all, Akane (...) by, and
The girl, Ukyou gave Ranma an odd look... there was something about him
she >couldn't quite place, but he looked very familiar.
Ukyou, gave
also, I'd write it as "there was something about him she couldn't quite
place, something that looked very familiar".
"Um... I still don't see though, why Aunty Nodoka came along..." Ranma
asked.
see, though, why
not trying to confuse the wishes of the six year old boy she loved, and
loved and
towards Ukyou. And she couldn't help getting a little jealous at how Ranma
was looking at the other girl. But then again she couldn't really fault
Ukyou either, who by the looks of things wasn't at all interested
Where to start? ^_^
Ukyou, and (...) girl - but then
The "Ukyou either, who" construct doesn't work - it sounds bad, and if I'm
not mistaken, who and which have to be placed *immediately* after what they
refer to (well, commated of course); making who here refer to "either". I'm
not quite sure how best to rephrase it.
give her boyfriend the benefit of the doubt... that's part of what the
just "of doubt"
"There's two reasons actually," Nodoka said, "The first was because my
first husband, Genma, engaged our son to Akane, for the continuation of
the Anything Goes School, even before they were born..."
*rotfl* This is just *too* rich!
Ranma grumbled, "Yeah like your plans always work..."
Yeah, like
"As you wish Mistress Kodachi."
wish, Mistress
To be concluded...
Waah, chapter's over already? And I was just getting warmed up reading.
If indeed you're just going to do 10 chapters, I do think it's a shame
you don't milk the interesting situations here somewhat more. Sure,
knowing when to stop is important, but unless 10 is a mammoth-chapter,
it seems to a bit too soon to fix everything up.
Also, I really do think you should get some more stuff in between
eight and nine; as it is now, there's just a bit too much summing up
at the start of this chapter.
I hope I managed to convey the fact that I really liked the series
so far somewhere in this mail; it made for very smooth reading and
had some really interesting "situations". Personally, I think it was made
perhaps a bit *too* easy to realize things early on (when even *I* notice
what's up, you're guaranteedly not being subtle ^_^), but that's OK.
I can't wait for the next chapter!
---
Ronny Hedin, thark@swipnet.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
"So, they aren't extraterrestials?"
"Nope, they're manga characters who've lost their hair."
(the unexpected end of X-files)