Subject: Re: [FFML] [fanfic] Love Letters 3-9
From: Ronny Hedin
Date: 6/13/1998, 6:48 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com
CC: ebon@i-manila.com.ph

(sent to the ML since I'm not sure I've got the correct addy)

Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 3

Occasionally, the line lenght slips up to 82-83 characters or so; I don't
know if the error lies in the software used to write, or the mailer, or
whatever, but it's there.

	"Romance is fine, I guess." Ranma mumbled, not wanting to argue, "but
that kinds sorta impersonal if you ask me..."

kind's

	"Aheh..." Tatewaki said as his father loosened the death grip hug on
him, "It was Akane actually father who..."

I suppose the awkward sentence is intentional, but it should still
be commated "Akane, actually, father, who".

	"Helped talk Nabiki to go with the plan." Akane interrupted him.

talk Nabiki into going with

	"Well that's obvious enough..." Akane smiled warmly at him, "If he
thought it was your idea, he'd be under the impression that you and Nabiki
want the engagement to work out. So that when we show them later on how
incompatible you two are, they won't be able to assign blame. Simple."

work out, so when we

	Tatewaki, wide eyed with surprise, couldn't help but notice the
attention Akane's act had garnered. Akane was either a very convincing
actress... or she genuinely liked him. Well... he leaned more towards the
actress hypothesis... she seemed far too practical for it to be the other.
He sighed... well, he hoped that part three worked out well... and at the
same time... he hoped it wouldn't.

attention? Huh? That sounds a bit wierd.

At any rate, this is looking like it's gonna be reeeel rich...

	He picked a private place and sat down, as far away from everyone as
possible, then he opened his journal and resumed writing the letter which
had been interrupted earlier.

...especially considering the next paragraph. 'course, at this point I'm
still hoping you'll surprise me and have this turn out like something
different than what it seems like. ^_^

Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 4

By the end of the school day Ranma had had to leave Akane behind. 

day, Ranma

more about the ins and outs of Furinkan. As with any new place there was so

place, there

have a pretty nasty temper back then... and she's just finished training

she'd just

Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 5

two, extremely pissed off Tendos at the door. While most of these boys were

two extremely

Gosunkugi stared at Ranma, who, much like his sister Nabiki was giving

Nabiki, was

Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 6

The boy who was wearing a rather travelworn outfit, turned slowly. He 

boy, who

gazed at the boar. This alone, by all rights should've given the beast

rights, should've
or preferredly
By all rights, this alone should've

The smiling boy, holding his umbrella out at arms length held the pig 

length, held

huffed mightily against the blockage. It's hooves gouging deep furrows into

blockage, it's
or
gouged

lost." He added proudly.

lost," he

Re: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 7

"Me too..." Akane said a little worriedly. She'd immersed herself a little
too deeply in the running of Furinkan's dynamic little economy that she'd
forgotten about most of her school work. And it was an easy way to forget

a little too deeply ... and had forgotten
or
so deeply ... she'd forgotten

generous amount of steam all around. It was a great place to be especially

to be, especially

"Okay," akane replied, sinking a little lower into the warm water when the

Akane

	Tatewaki blinked in surprise as Ryouga fainted. Only then realizing that

fainted, only
or
Only then did he realize

Akane Tendo was likewise in the bath and was in a similar state of
undress... on the other hand she was making no move to cover her nudity,

"undress. On" would IMO be preferably here.

Chapter 7: Lost girls...

Two chapter titles in the same chapter? Isn't that a bit excessive? ^_-
Maybe 'tis not a coincidence that seven was double length compared to
all the other ones, ne? ^_-

Behind her, in a rush, Ranma, a newly awakened Akane and the still half
asleep Kodachi stumbled out of the door. It was a good thing they'd been
jarred from their sleep as they had. The distraction kept Kodachi from
noticing, much less commenting on the night's sleeping arrangements.

Awww! And here I was looking forward to the reactions! ^_^

"Ryouga..." the girl said slowly... "I think... my name's Ryou... Ryouko?"
she said uncertainly, "Ryouko Hibiki. I think that sounds right."

Really, I find it just a *wee* bit hard to accept that not at least *one*
of them figures it out.

Hibikis. Besides, she was staring at Akane, too you know," Ranma replied.

Akane too, you know

Subject: [FFML] [fanfic] [Scriviner] Love Letters 8

market, through the assistance of Akane and quite frankly, the two were

Akane, and

"Oh, shut up," she said lightly, collaring him once again, but this time
pulling her towards her into a passionate kiss... There were cheers and
applause from their audience.

Really, I think you're overdoing this kissing thing ... considering how
rare an occurence it really is in the source material. Not that it
shouldn't happen at all, and I understand if you want things to developed
somewhat more quickly, but still ... I really don't think you should let
everything explode at once.

"Um... well, I spent the week between the challenge and the actual fight
learning how to actually kiss..." Ranma said sheepishly.

*rotfl* OK, I changed my mind. This is great. ^_^

Re: [FFML] Loveletters from the Edge Part 9

This posting uses some kinda' formatting? Really, I find it highly
irritating. Nevermind it also screws up quoting. Also, I think you're
overusing "..."; occasionally is OK, but not once very two sentences.

Ranma and Kodachi were spending a lot of their  time together. Ryouko who 
was now staying with the Kuno's also spent a lot of  time sleeping over 

Ryouko, who (...) Kuno's, also

at the Tendos. Well, at least as far as everyone else was concerned. Of
course Ranma knew better, after all Akane kicked him out of her room every
so often when Ryouko dropped by and he'd started getting suspicious  

course, Ranma knew better; after all, Akane (...) by, and

The girl, Ukyou gave Ranma an odd look... there was something about him
she  >couldn't quite place, but he looked very familiar. 

Ukyou, gave

also, I'd write it as "there was something about him she couldn't quite
place, something that looked very familiar".

"Um... I still don't see though, why Aunty Nodoka came along..."  Ranma
asked.

see, though, why

not trying to confuse  the wishes of the six year old boy she loved, and 

loved and

towards Ukyou.  And she couldn't help getting a little jealous at how Ranma
was looking at the  other girl. But then again she couldn't really fault
Ukyou either, who by the  looks of things wasn't at all interested 

Where to start? ^_^
Ukyou, and (...) girl - but then
The "Ukyou either, who" construct doesn't work - it sounds bad, and if I'm
not mistaken, who and which have to be placed *immediately* after what they
refer to (well, commated of course); making who here refer to "either". I'm
not quite sure how best to rephrase it.

give her boyfriend the  benefit of the doubt... that's part of what the 

just "of doubt"

"There's two reasons actually," Nodoka said, "The first was  because my
first husband, Genma, engaged our son to Akane, for the continuation  of
the Anything Goes School, even before they were born..." 

*rotfl* This is just *too* rich!

Ranma grumbled, "Yeah like your plans always work..." 

Yeah, like

"As you wish Mistress Kodachi." 

wish, Mistress

To be concluded... 

Waah, chapter's over already? And I was just getting warmed up reading.

If indeed you're just going to do 10 chapters, I do think it's a shame
you don't milk the interesting situations here somewhat more. Sure,
knowing when to stop is important, but unless 10 is a mammoth-chapter,
it seems to a bit too soon to fix everything up.

Also, I really do think you should get some more stuff in between
eight and nine; as it is now, there's just a bit too much summing up
at the start of this chapter.

I hope I managed to convey the fact that I really liked the series
so far somewhere in this mail; it made for very smooth reading and
had some really interesting "situations". Personally, I think it was made
perhaps a bit *too* easy to realize things early on (when even *I* notice
what's up, you're guaranteedly not being subtle ^_^), but that's OK.
I can't wait for the next chapter!


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@swipnet.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
        "So, they aren't extraterrestials?"
        "Nope, they're manga characters who've lost their hair."
        (the unexpected end of X-files)