WoLF: Well... I haven't done one of these in a while.
<Takes the C&C rifle down off the wall>
Let's see if I remember how to use this thing.
BANG!
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Lavender # 2: Wake-up Call
============================================================================
A C&C brought to you by The Comment Patrol. If you are interested in
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Although I am not a currently active member of the Comment Patrol, I
seem to be the only one foolish enough to take on Sailor Moon fics.
Such is life. On with the show.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Night usually brought quiet. Usually.
I don't believe this statement. Although it's different from the bustle of
the day, I can't imagine it being "quite".
Just a comment.
This night was an exception as a full moon illuminated the scene of carnage
below.
I feel that this phrase should be cut in two. Try this:
This night was an exception. A full moon illuminated the scene of carnage
below.
A large crater was in the center of a vacant lot in the Juuban area.
A large crater occupied the center of a vacant lot in the Juuban area.
I preferred the use of occupied here.
It was similar to what happened a several months ago both in the extent of
damage and the crowd it attracted. Especially five teenage girls.
This crater was reminiscent of another blast site from several months ago,
both by the extent of the damage and the crowd it attracted. Most
especially five teenage girls.
WoLF: This phrase isn't the greatest, but I'm sure you can do something
with it.
' Hey, wasn't this what happened before Ail and Ann appeared ?' Makoto
said as she surveyed the damage done to the place.
asked ^^^^
The word done here is probably unnecessary.
I won't mention this again, but your punctuation is weird. Why do you have
spaces between the last word in a phrase and the question or exclamation
marks? You also have a leading space between the leading quote (') and the
first word in the sentence.
Also, you use single quotes for speech. Although this isn't a firm rule (I
think), but most people use double-quotes (") for speech and single quotes
(') for thoughts.
That can be taken with a grain of salt though.
' Yes. But there was no report of a comet sighting tonight.' Ami said as
she
also looked at the crater. She looked over at Usagi and Rei who were doing
there usual verbal duel. It ended with both of them sticking out their
tongue.
Two things here.
1- Astronomers know well in advance when there are going to be comets. you
should re-word this to indicate that no comets were expected to be
seen(felt? ^_^) tonight.
2- The tongue battle between Rei and Usagi here is cliche... and really
doesn't advance the story in any way that I can see. This type of scene
should be surrounded with a build up of silliness and arguing. This is a
form of comedy relief that needs to built up to, not just thrown in. I
wouldn't use it here.
If you insist on using it, try re-wording it like this:
She turned her head towards Usagi and Rei, who were engaged in their
typical verbal sparring match, which quickly degenerated into both of them
sticking their tongues out at each other.
' Fortunately the Mercury computer was on when the explosion happened.
I got a few readings.' Ami said as she turned to look at Makoto.
Not to be annoying... but why would Ami have had her computer on at the
time? Just an idle question, but Ami doesn't tend to leave things on unless
she's actively working on something.
Also, Ami is a very proper girl. You should make sure that her speech
matches her tendency towards precision. Like this:
"Fortunately, the Mercury computer was on when the explosion took place. I
got a few readings."
It isn't a big difference, but it does set her apart from the other girls
who are less cerebral. (Like Ranma using ain't instead of isn't)
' The thing is the closest thing I have that resemble the readings were what
I got from Hotaru when she's in her Saturn form.'
Again, Ami uses a higher dialect. Try this:
"Wow... the energy readings that permeate this area strongly resemble
Hotaru's pattern when she becomes Sailor Saturn."
BTW: Are there many other people nearby? Should they be talking this
casually about the Senshi with spectators nearby? On the other hand, in the
TV series, there are always people nearby when Usagi sounds off and no one
seems to notice.
' WHAT ?!?! ' Minako, who was also currently looking at the crater, said in
dismay as she looked to Ami. ' You mean she's - '
The structure of this phrase bugs me. Try this instead:
"What?!?!" Minako exclaimed, looking up at Ami from the crater she had also
been examining. "You mean she's... "
WoLF: Heh... I wonder what she was going to say? "She's on the loose."
Not the nicest thing to say about a fellow Senshi. especially
one who can cut you in half in the blink of an eye. ^_^
' No. I called up Haruka and Michiru immediately after I got the readings.
Hotaru seemed to be affected by it but it was not her. I'll go to their place
tomorrow to check her out.'
"No... I called Haruka and Michiru right after I got the reading. Although
Hotaru seemed to have been affected by whatever had happened, it was not
her. I'll go to their place tomorrow to give her a more thorough examination."
' We better start training again. You know how these things work.' Rei
said as she joined the conversation. ' Something weird happens and then
we get a new batch of enemies. I can't sense any thing but it's better to
be prepared.'
WoLF: This paragraph is excellent. Rei is one of the candidates most
likely to think this far in advance. Good!
All five girls agreed as they left the area.
I would change this to:
All five girls agreed then left the area.
Atop a nearby building a caped figure held a white cat in it's arms as it
looked
down on the scene below. Moments later it moved away, casually leaping from
roof to roof, lavender cape billowing in the wind .
Atop a nearby building, a figure holding a white cat in it's arms surveyed
the scene down below. Moments later, it moved away; leaping from roof to
roof with ease, a lavender cape billowing in the wind.
**************************
' All we saw was Hotaru suddenly sitting up, screaming and her sigil
flaring up.'
Haruka Te'nou said before she sipped from her cup of coffee. ' Are you
sure you
don't know anything about this, Setsuna ?'
"All we saw was Hotaru suddenly sit up and scream while her sigil lit up
the room" Haruka Te'nou said before taking a sip of coffee. "Are you sure
you don't know anything about this Setsuna?"
Setsuna Mei'ou, The Guardian of Time responded in the negative.
Put a comma here---------------------^
' As far as I can tell this is not supposed to be happening ! ' she said
in an
Comma here-------------^
exasperated tone that Haruka never heard her use before. ' And when I try
put the word "had" here------^
to use my future sight on this event all I get are visions of mists and
the sigil
of Saturn.' ^ ^
Put a comma here---------------------^ ^
Take out the "s" here----------------------------------------------^
Haruka smiled a bit at the thought of the all-knowing Guardian of Time
knowing
nothing though the smile quickly vanished when she noticed Setsuna glaring
comma---^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
change this for "saw that Setsuna was"--------------^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
daggers at her. // Forgot that she could read minds // she thought as she
squirmed uncomfortably under Setsuna's gaze. She was thankful for Michiru
entering the room. ' How's Hotaru ?' Haruka asked her , a bit worried.
Try this:
She was thankful for Michiru's arrival in the room.
WoLF: What?! Since when does Sailor Pluto read minds? Especially in her
non-senshi form?
Andrew: <Points his rifle at the author> Yes... do tell.
WoLF: As far as I know, the only character with powers when she's normal
is Hotaru.
' She's fine now . Though she kept muttering something about cats and pain.'
^
I would put an ellipse (...) here.
she said as she mixed herself a cup of coffee.
Change this to "some"----------^^^^^^^^
' Well, I need to really look into this incident. I don't like surprises.'
Setsuna
I think you can omit the word "incident".
**************************
Pain....darkness...light...as these simple thoughts started to coalesce in
the
animal mind of a white-furred cat, other more complicated thoughts were
starting to form in its frontal lobe. Visions of battles, of people and of a
kingdom of great beauty..........
I would change it so that the simple thoughts were already there, wreaking
havoc on the animal mind, then have the higher functions start to take over.
..and of death, searing fire burning its flesh.
How about: ... of death, searing fire and burning flesh.
At this thought the cat awakened, opening it's eyes in a flash. Or tried to.
woke up------------------^^^^^^^^ ^
Put an ellipse (...) here--------------------------------------^
One of it's eyes would not open or rather could not open.
Remove this-----------------XXXX
With it's limited
vision it could see a nicely furnished room with a man-thing resting on the
Comma--^
He was wearing a mask, that hid his face, hair as
black as night contrasting with the white of the smiling face mask.
Try this:
The man was wearing a smiling white mask that hid his face completely,
putting his black as night hair into sharp contrast.
//Lavender.// A thought flashed through the cat's head once again. Lavender.
remove---------XXXXXXXXX ??????????
What do you mean "once again"? This is the first time Lavender's name
has appeared (at least for the cat).
The name of the man.
Put "in question" ^ here... before the period.
The cat became more confused at the thoughts it was hearing.
----------------------------------------------^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Change this to "passing through his feline mind."
I'm not going to mention this from here on... but considering that this
part of the story is being told from Apollo's (the cat's) point of view,
he should be referred to as him, whereas the humans should be referred to
as its. A cat probably has as much difficulty telling our genders apart as
we do for cats (without looking at there you-know-what's of course).
The man it only knew as Lavender turned his
face to look at it. The mask's unblinking gaze was unnerving as it looked
at the cat. The cat was uncomfortable until the man broke the silence.
' Well, Apollo. Nice to see you again.'
This whole paragraph is difficult to navigate. Try this:
As the man known only to him as Lavender turned his attention towards him,
the cat was unnerved at the mask's unblinking gaze. The moment was broken
when the man spoke, "Well Apollo. Nice to see you again."
I'm going to stop rebuilding sentences from here. Please pay attention to
phrase structure. Make sure to maintain consistency with the
character/object that is the focus/point-of-view of the paragraph.
' Don't worry, Apollo. You're always this surprised to hear your own voice.'
The masked man said as he walked over to a nearby table, and picking up
Change this to "picked"---------------------------------------^^^^^^^
a box.
The cat looked at the masked man as he approached. He seemed to be kind
^^^^^^
I would use the word "scrutinized" here. Looked just seems a bit too plain.
Examined would be a good choice too.
enough but he knew humans were not to be trusted. It looked around for the
comma--^
nearest exit, but the man was already in front of it, opening the box.
It knew it could
understand a few words in the man-tongue but never this comprehensive.
comma------------------------------------^ ^^^^^^^^^^^^^
comprehensively------------------------------------------^^^^^^^^^^^^^
He could tell that the man
before him wore a tuxedo, dress shirt and pants. // But the color is
awful.//
WoLF: <LOL> Cats have an impeccable fashion sense.
the thought emerged in it's head.
I would just end this sentence with "he thought."
It could do nothing but agree with the voice.
I would drop this sentence completely.
The man pressed a complicated series of motions all over the box and a
moment
later a hiss came from the container as it opened.
I would break this sentence in two as follows:
The man pressed a complicated series of motions all over the box. A moment
later, a hiss came from the container as it opened.
As this internal
conflict went on inside the cat, the man picked up a syringe from the box.
Drop this---------XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The cat's animal mind screamed. It had suffered enough. A rational voice
in it's mind
was telling it to just relax. But the cat was still in trauma from it's
recent experience
, but
Period ^
and it was still mostly animal though it had normal human thoughts.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Remove all this
It is needless to say that the screaming part of the mind won.
You could shorten this to:
Needless to say, the screaming part of the mind won.
What happened next was pure instinct , as the cat sat up on it's four
legs, determined
to get out. Suddenly it felt as if his limbs were on fire , but this fire
was not painful.
This fire gave it strength. From the man's stance one could tell that he
had noticed
the glow and he straightened up a bit, as if readying himself to take a
punch.
This paragraph doesn't flow (to me anyway). Try this:
What happened next was guided by pure instinct. The cat shifted around as
it prepared to
spring. Suddenly, it's limbs felt like they were on fire... but instead of
pain, he felt
power. From the man's stance, one could tell that he had noticed the change
and was
bracing himself to receive a blow.
The Sigil of Saturn flared on it's forehead and a concentrated blast of
black and
silver energy slammed into the man sending him sprawling. The cat turned to
the window and once again the sigil flared as another blast shattered the
window.
Instinct took over though a voice in it's head was screaming at it for
hurting the
master.
On it's forehead, the sigil of Saturn flared into existence. A moment
later, a
concentrated blast of black and silver energy slammed into the man, sending
him
sprawling. The cat turned towards the window. A brief surge from the symbol
and
the window was no longer an obstacle. Seizing the moment, the cat leapt for
freedom,
although a voice in it's head was shouting about having her the master.
It wondered how it managed to do what it did and why there was
a feeling of wrongness to it.But the cat shrugged it off and followed it's
instincts.
Just put a space here---------^
The previous phrase is a real mouthful. It should probably be rebuilt...
although I'm not sure how you would want to go about it. ^_~
And it's instincts told it to get out. Now.
********************
The masked man lay still in his position for a few moments before he started
^on the floor^^
to move. A slight groan of pain came from behind the mask as the man stood
^^he^^^
up. He raised his hand up the front of his scorched shirt.
traced
' Takashi-san ? I heard an explosion and I was worried. Are you alright ?' a
worried woman's voice said on the other side.
You use the word worried twice here. Either have her say she's worried or
have her sound worried, but don't do both. In this case, it's redundant.
I would get rid of the second worried personally, but that is a matter of
taste.
********************
The image of the woman shimmered as the door closed to be replaced the masked
man. He put the icebag back at it's place and walked to the broken window.
The
mask peered into the darkness of the city night.
WoLF: Interesting mask. I'd like to have one like that. Could come in handy.
' Damn, too far gone and the masking spell is still too strong. I'll have
to start looking
tomorrow.' he said as shook his head a bit. He pulled the curtains to try
to make up
to himself---------^
for the broken window. he then went over to pick up the fallen syringe and
box. After
putting the syringe in, he pressed a panel on the box and it once again
hissed as it
away-----------------^^
sealed itself.
' Better take a rest first. The blast hurt more than it should.' he said
ruefully as he
shook his head a bit once again. ' You're getting rusty, Lavender.' he
said a trace of
amusement in his voice. He pressed the light switch off as he opened the
door to his
dark bedroom.The room was plunged into darkness except for the shaft of
moonlight
>from the shattered window that struck the table in the center of the room.
The sound
of something being thrown onto it could be heard.
WoLF: <looks curiously at the above paragraph... the one a few lines higher>
Didn't Lavender just draw the curtains shut?
It was the mask, face smiling eerily in the weak moonlight.
WoLF: I like this line. It has a nice ring of finality.
Phrase structure:
Needs a lot of work to get a nice flow going. Avoid repeating the same word
in a paragraph, as it'll tend to bore the reader.
Punctuation:
A bit weird in places. Use of single quotes for speech instead of double
(which I believe is the standard). Missing spaces after periods and commas.
Nothing major... but jumps out at the reader.
Story concept:
Well, we have a couple of new characters to the SM world. Lavender doesn't
SEEM to be affiliated with the Senshi, although he acts like Tux. Be
interesting to see which direction he goes.
I haven't read part 4 or 5 yet so I can't make any comment on direction. As
it stands, this fics doesn't seem to be meandering aimlessly.
Power level doesn't seem to be out of hand for the new characters either...
except the cat who seems to be tapping into Saturn's reserve, but I think
that's cool. I like Saturn. Seeing her get her shots in, even if it's
through a proxy, amuses me greatly.
WoLF: Go get 'em Hotaru!!!
___________
/ Here lies:\ Time Travel: A perfectly good way to ruin someone's
| Andrew | history.
| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik {ICQ ID: 160869}
| he's hungry | Jadzia Dax : Don't worry, I have a light touch.
| | Julien Bashir : Not according to Worf...