Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma] How to Love Another 2
From: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
Date: 5/12/1998, 2:50 PM
To: ffml@fanfic.com

Very nice job of writing on this so far. Just a few corrections:

Phillip Masters <PhilMasters@webtv.net> wrote:

	Ranma frowned, trying to think of what to say next.  If he gave too
much information he would have everyone he knew at Aiko's door in five
minutes.  If he didn't give enough people would worry about him.  He
sighed lightly, then inhaled, "I'm at a friends house... he got hurt
friend's

	Pictures of Aiko, and what he assumed was her family adorned the light
blue walls.  The young Aiko was even cuter than the current one.  She
had a fire in her that hadn't even flickered since the pictures were
taken.  
Interesting way to put it, but it seems a little misleading (at least to
me). It could be taken to mean that the fire hadn't burned at all in the
last ten years. Maybe it's just me, but I'd change "flickered" to
"dimmed" or some such.

Ranma offered her with a small smile, continued, "She slowly but surely
went off the deep end.  I couldn't stop her, and no one I went to could
help me.  She seems perfectly normal, if not just a little eccentric
outside the house.  It's when she's here, where the memories are
strongest I suppose, that she really looses it."
Loses. Looses = "makes less tight"

	Ranma furrowed his brow.  He had never really known someone with a true
mental problem that so adversely effected someone so... innocent, for
affected; effect is the noun.
want of a better word.  He knew the Kunos, but they seemed like they
were always nuts, and they didn't really bother anyone other than
himself and Akane, and they could take care of them.  Aiko's mother, on
the other hand, was having a devastating effect on her daughter.  Ranma
found he didn't like that one bit, and the fact that it was Aiko just
compounded the Injury.  "Why don't you go and bring a specialist back
Uncapitalize injury.

	When they separated, Aiko laid back on the bed with a sigh, and an
enormously content smile alight on her face.  Ranma was happy she was
I think that should be alit (past tense).


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics