Subject: RE: [FFML] Kimagure Orange College Episode #2V2
From: "Richard Lawson" <sterman@uswest.net>
Date: 5/5/1998, 9:43 PM
To: "Stephen Tsai" <stsai@netcom.com>, <ffml@fanfic.com>, <kor@edmonds.home.cs.ubc.CA>, <ks@glink.net.hk>

Kimagure Orange College

Been wondering when this would come out.

[Falls on the floor, pulls on his pants and
shirt, and grabs his books, while stuffing a left-over onigiri* into
his mouth.]

Kill the comma between "books" and "while".

I'll have to use my power!

I'm not sure which convention you're using.  Should that be "my Power"?

Kasuga:  [Teleports in.]  Sorry I'm late, Ayukawa!  I came as fast as I
could!

Ayukawa:  I can see....  [Look him over and can't suppress a smile.]
Your shirt's on backwards....

Hmm.  You know, I wonder if she should be *this* blase about the
teleportation.  I mean, she *knows* about his power, and she's seen the
*effects* of his ESP, but she's never actually seen him teleport.

I remember growing up in Portland, Oregon.  In 1980, a total eclipse of
the sun occurred.  Totality's path went right through Portland.  I
remember talking to my mother in 1974, begging her not to move us out of
town until after the eclipse (I was big into astronomy when I was a kid).
The closer the time of the eclipse came, the more build-up there was.
Media coverage was intense, and built up gradually in the months leading
up to the eclipse.  School started two hours late the day of the eclipse
so that everyone could watch it.  My mom's boyfriend and I went into the
middle of a cement playground to watch it.

Now, I'd been looking forward to it for years.  I knew what was going to
happen and exactly when it was going to happen.  I had been eagerly
anticipating it for years.  And when totality came and darkness
descended... my mouth went dry.  There was a part of my hindbrain
somewhere that was gibbering in fear.

The same thing here with Madoka.  She *knows* Kyosuke can teleport, but
actually seeing it should at least strike her dumb for a second or cause
her to flinch.

The college entrance ceremony
was underway and classes were preparing for the spring semester.

Awkward phrasing.  "classes were preparing"?   Perhaps "everyone" or "the
professors" are the ones who are preparing?

It was a day of great importance; we have been looking forward
to that day for all our lives....

Ugh on the grammar here.

It was a day of great importance, one we had been looking forward to all
our lives...

Or something like that.

Kasuga:  [Glancing at her and at Takashi, to himself.]  I guess
I'm lucky....

Oh yeah?  Whyzzat?  He doesn't like her parents, or vice versa?

Takashi:  [Notices Kasuga's concern and puts his hand on his
shoulder.]
She'll be OK.  If she wants to talk about it, she'll let you know.

Uh huh.  This is Madoka we're talking about.  She makes a Whitewater
defendant seem positively forthcoming by comparison.

Male Student:  [Bows.]  Please accept my apologies.  I'm Hayashibara
Akira.

Akira:  Did you hear that my sister is getting married?

Hayashibara:  Pleased to meet you.  [Reaches into his pocket.]  Say,
would you like to come see the opening spring game?  [Produces an
athletic...

Tom, Crow, and Mike:  Yuck!!!!

...pass to the baseball stadium.]

Tom, Crow, and Mike:  Oh.

Ayukawa:  Sure....  [To herself after Hayashibara leaves.]  Handsome
guy....

Hmm.  I don't like this characterization of Madoka.  Throughout the manga,
she's shown herself to be invulnerable to these kind of charms.  In fact,
they turn her off in a major way.  Witness her reaction to the idol
singer.

Kasamatsu:  [Proudly revealing a hand buzzer.]  Gotcha!

9_9  Well, that was original.  :)

Kasuga:  [To himself.]  Just because he's rich doesn't
make him special.

No, but it'll buy a real good illusion of uniqueness.  ^_^

[Cut to an hour later.  As the class dismisses, Kasuga stands up to
leave.]

Um... the class would not be "dismissing".  I'd say instead, "As the class
is dismissed,"  Or "After the professor dismisses the class,"

Although the building is old, there's a palpable
feeling of tradition.

"Although" implies a contrast here, but I think it's *because* the
building is old that there's a feeling of tradition.  "A palpable feeling
of tradition seems to emanate from the old building."

I am Ono Ryusuke, the director of the symphonic band.

Ryusuke:  If you need any chiropractic work, I've got a brother that can
do wonders.

Ayukawa walks towards the woodwinds, sits down and
unpacks her saxophone.

Saxophone, eh?  She never plays one in the manga.  Is this an anime thing?
The only thing we see her play in the manga is the keyboards.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK.]

<Richard winces>

[Cut to the edge of Seyruun.  Amelia, Gourry and Lina Inverse
have just finished fighting a number of bounty-hunters.]

Hurm.  Don't know these people.

Logo:  IBM World Wide Web Design.  Business solutions for a small
world.

<smirk>  This was actually mildly amusing.  I can actually here the BGM.
Well done.

His curiosity is interrupted as he sees Ayukawa
walking around the corner.]

Better to say, "...is interrupted when he sees..."

Kasuga:  [Laughs.]  I would gladly
switch with you, if I could.

Ayukawa:  [Quietly.]  So would I.

Freaky Friday, the KOR version!

Ayukawa:  I don't know.  Your place doesn't have any extra
rooms....  [Playfully.]  Maybe I'll just move right into
your room.

Kasuga:  Ayukawa!

He objects?  Kyosuke no baka.

Ayukawa:  That's alright.

all right.

Girl 1:  Thanks!  I'm Miyasato Yuko!  We're moving into Rm No. 2.

Rm No. 2?  People don't *speak* in abbreviations!  :)  "moving into Room
Two" would be better, I think.

Katsu:  Ehh...? [Looks at Yoko and Yuko carefully.]  Twins...?

Smart, this one.

Kasuga:  [To Kimura.]  Th-that's very impressive....  So you're
really good at math?

Kimura:  Nope, I just read that off of a bubblegum wrapper.

As Kasuga, Kimura, and Katsu enter, the incessant beat of
the club takes over, as the sounds of dancing music
comes flooding out of the door.

Er?

As Kasuga, Kimura, and Katsu enter, the incessant beat of the dance music
flooding out the door takes over.

Or something like that.

[Cut to the dance floor.  The artificially-generated steam
mixes with the pulsing colored dance floor lights to create
an atmosphere of unreality.

Cool.  I wanna go there.

Kasuga slowly wanders towards the edge of the floor, where
couples come on and off.

<Richard coughs a few times.>

I'd, er, just eliminate that last part of the sentence altogether.
"...Kasuga slowly wanders towards the edge of the dance floor."

Kasuga Narration:  On this very important day, I truly began to realize
the possible consequences of my actions.  Among the new friends I had
met that day, perhaps for the first time, I met someone who might
become a rival.  What's more, I wasn't making the things easier by
repeating old mistakes.  [Turns over and sighs. He closes his eyes to
try and get some sleep, but then opens them again with firm resolve.]
It's not going to happen again!  One way or another, I've got to do
something about it!

Heh, nice ending.  It sure would be nice to see Kasuga not merely repeat
the formula of the middle manga stories.

This episode was much better than the first one, IMO.  The "introduce the
cast members" bits weren't nearly so clunky.

I do have some reservations, detailed above.

Looking forward to more from you guys.  :)

-Richard