Date: Tue, 28 Apr 1998 19:18:39 +0200
To: ffml@fanfic.com
From: Ronny Hedin <thark@swipnet.se>
Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic] Cat's Prey
Cc: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
Since I'm posting to the list, I are bound to commited at
least one horrible error. Watch out. ^_^
Heh. I know how that goes....
careful not to walk in on him. Not that he'd probably care."
Urgh. The last sentence sounds decidedly Wrong; the "probably"
just doesn't fit in with the rest of the words.
I agree. Gary, you should just drop the "probably".
Except that it wasn't all the time. Every time Akane had been
fed up and ready to just end her relationship with Ranma, he'd go and
surprise her by doing something nice. And every once in a while, a
had been - go; Doesn't fit together there.
"had been - he'd went and surprised", but that sounds way Bad.
Actually, I think the original contraction (he'd) was short for "he
would", in which case, "go" is right. OTOH, you could say, "he'd gone
and surprised" with no problem.
Also, "nice, and", I think.
Artistic liscence. Since we're getting this all from Akane's POV, even
though it's not 1st-person, you can get away with the occasional
fragmented sentence in introspective scenes.
Ranma's arms were a blur as they moved back and forth in three
different directions. Fingers ripped into steel as if it were paper,
shredding the weapon within seconds into metallic confetti that
sprayed
into the air.
The ordering "shredding - within seconds - into confetti" sounds
somewhat bad - but placing "within seconds" last or after "confetti"
is no better. Hmm. There *should* be a better solution.
How about, "... paper, and within seconds he had shredded the weapon
into metallic confetti that sprayed into the air."
"shredding the weapon to confetti within seconds and sending the shards
flying into the air" ?
Ukyo stared dumbfounded at the stick in her hands, the stub that
IMO, "hands; the"
"I sure do. Two mysteries at a time is too much of a
coincidence. I'm betting that when we find her, we'll know how to
bring
Ranma back to normal, if he doesn't just recover on his own by then."
Hm. I think, "when we find her, we'll know ... if he *hasn't* just
recovered by then".
Actually, I think both are valid.
Ronny Hedin, thark@swipnet.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
KotTF -><- "Momomoto, Famous Japanese, can swallow his nose."
--Freemage
Man, feedback on feedback. My writer's block must be worse than I
thought....
______________________________________________________
Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com