SPOOF CHASE PRODUCTIONS
(http://spoof.maison-otaku.net/)
PRESENTS...
Slayers REFLECT :
Episode 3
Leaving Las Sailoon (Or At Least Trying To)
A Slayers Fanfic Series by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(Almost all characters copyright H. Kanzaka / R. Araizumi,
obviously. If I ever even considered claiming that these
were my own characters I'd probably be thrown into a small
cell where I'd be forced to eat my own garage kits to live.)
--> Read the enhanced hypertext version at <--
--> http://pixelscapes.com/slayers <--
-=-
Dusk was setting when the group returned to Other Village.
Conversation was both merry and lively, frequently merry and lively
at the same time. Amelia and Naga were busy swapping family gossip, Gourry
was making the occasional highly uninformed observation, and Zelgadis was
constantly tossing subtle, yet snide remarks in Naga's direction. Lina
just walked along, quietly.
They were having a small problem, in that they technically had
absolutely no idea where their quarry was. They knew the lores were
located at 'The Lake of Reflections' and 'The Great Library', a fact
revealed to Lina in her brief encounter with Silverquick's recorded mirror
message. However, nobody knew where the lake or the library were. Once
again, they were at square one, with an address and no idea how to find it.
Most of the group assumed Lina wasn't particularly chatty because of
being disappointed at this second lead to nowhere. She did speak when
spoken to, though, and kept, while not cheery, at least not non-cheery.
"Why can't we just go to any library?" Gourry asked. "I mean, 'great
library' could just mean 'a really swell library', not a specific one...
right, Lina?"
"It's a specific one," Lina replied, keeping her eyes on the road as
they walked along.
"Ah," Gourry nodded.
Silence.
Zelgadis opted to fill in the conversational blanks. "According to
legend, the Great Library was an incredible archive of magical books in the
ancient empire of Alexitribik, but the empire was misplaced in a war, and
the library was never found again. I think I've vaguely heard of the 'Lake
of Reflections' as well, as being involved in Mirror Magic, but not why or
where."
"It sounds exciting!!" Amelia smiled, adding a pinch of spring into her
step. Any more, and she'd be leaping like a gazelle. "Isn't it thrilling
to find these long lost treasures for the glory of Sailoon, Lina-san? Ne,
ne?"
"It's exciting," Lina said, in the same tone one might say 'the tree is
next to the building'.
"And once again, we're united in a quest!" Naga added. "Perhaps once
more you can claim some small degree of fame from my exploits in
discovering the secrets of the lores, Lina! OHOOHOOHHOHOOHHOOHOO!!"
Retorts. Insults. Fireballs. All these and more were not lobbed in
Naga's direction.
Naga tapped her chin, thinking. "In fact, maybe you'll become famous
enough to be called the One True Sidekick of Naga the White Serpent! Or at
least you'll be remembered for being something other than flat-chested
upstart."
Lina exploded in a white hot frenzy of no sort of response at all.
"You're SHORT, Lina! Short and underdeveloped!" Naga insisted, getting
irritated.
The others started to drift away from Naga, in case she spontaneously
burst into flame.
"Eh?" Lina asked, looking behind her at the others. "Oh... sorry, I
wasn't paying attention. What is it?"
That halted Naga in her tracks. "What? Who are you and what have you
done with Lina?"
The fireball snapped off Lina's fingers, setting fire to Naga's cape.
"I'm LINA INVERSE!" she barked, some energy coming to her voice again
as Naga panicked. "LINA! Got it?!"
With that, Lina picked up her pace and ran off without actually looking
like she was running. It was more of a hurried walk.
Amelia finished locking her sister into a block of ice in an attempt to
put out the fire. "Uh... did I miss something? Lina-san seems kind of...
odd."
"Mpmhphmhpmhh," Naga agreed, shivering.
Zelgadis grumbled, rubbing his temples with the sound of two rocks
grating together. "In case none of you happened to notice, she's been
moody ever since getting Silverquick's mirror message. Maybe she saw
something she didn't like."
"Ano? Hey! That would explain it!" Gourry agreed, smacking his fist
into his palm in a manly signal of acknowledgment. "Maybe she noticed in
the mirror that she was getting a pimple on her nose! It was much bigger
today than yesterday. I'm very observant, you know."
"Yes, Gourry. That's it exactly. Very observant of you," Zelgadis
mocked.
"Thanks!" Gourry smiled.
[*]
The inn was quiet that night. Other Village was not known for its
rowdy hip keg-swinging wenching all hours music playing slap happy fun
night scene -- it was known for good maps, doorstops, and the occasional
two headed squirrel.
Lina was thankful for that, as she sat on the balcony of her inn room,
perched precariously on the railing. Night air, when not filled with
drunken singing, was good air to breathe while being thoughtful. Also, it
lent her a bit of privacy; she didn't like to do any really heavy thinking
around the gang. After blowing up this afternoon, and trying to mask it by
putting on the 'ol happy, carefree, can-do behaviors, she needed some time
to herself.
"So, ready to talk about it yet?" Zelgadis asked, having snuck onto the
balcony silently. "Or are you going to just stick to the happy, carefree,
can-do act?"
Lina groaned. "Zel, you know, there's such a thing as tact. You don't
have to point out when I'm trying to fake you guys out so directly."
"Of course I do. You don't exactly volunteer information, you know."
"There's nothing to volunteer," Lina maintained. "I was just a little
tense, is all."
"And Naga's insults annoyed you, right?"
"Huh?"
Zel grinned. "So you didn't mind her calling you a flat-chested upstart
back there?"
"SHE WHAT? The nerve of that....." Lina started, before realizing she
fell into a word trap. "Che. You sneaky bastard."
"So, if not her less than colorful commentary, what made you decide to
fry her?" Zel asked, leaning against a nearby wall and looking perfectly
nonchalant.
"You'll think it's silly."
"I promise not to laugh at you too much."
"It's just a completely unfounded idea, anyway."
"Try me."
"I'm not certain myself about it."
"You realize that the more you hint at, the more curious I'll become?"
Zel pointed out.
Lina gave up, shoulders sagging. "I snapped when she asked me who I
was."
"So?"
"Like I said, it's stupid," Lina reminded him.
"The mirror, yes? What you saw in Silverquick's message. You were in
there for awhile with it, much more than a simple 'Hello, all six of you
scamper off to the library and the lake'."
Lina nodded quietly. She contemplated the stars above a last moment,
then turned around, hopping off the railing and dropping twenty feet to her
death, except for the fact that she got off on the right side and dropped
one foot to the balcony and did not in fact die.
"It was, more or less, Silverquick's life history," she explained.
"Pertaining to the mirror lore. Something pretty bad happened to him,
something that he said will happen to everybody who seeks out the lores.
It's part of a contract the Lord of Nightmares set up, something about
keeping the 'balance of things', whatever that means."
"Makes sense. What's the counterforce here?"
"'The worst within,'" Lina said. "Silverquick said that the seeker
must one day face 'the worst within'. For him, it was his twin brother,
who turned into a drunken megalomaniac that ended up destroying.. something
important to him."
"A tragic tale," Zel said. "Repeated a lot in history and drama."
Lina paused, pensive. She looked at the floor a moment, then up to
Zelgadis's eyes, tossing a look of implied trust.
"It's repeating here," she admitted. "I'm almost nearly certainly
positive. Amelia told you guys that some maniac attacked us, right?"
"Yes, and in her version of the story, you bravely chased the guy off
at the expense of being injured in a very valiant self-sacrifice of honor
and justice," Zelgadis quoted, word for word. "What really happened?"
"Keep in mind that I am in no way one hundred percent sure of what I
saw," Lina warned. "But I remember one thing very clearly."
[*]
Three figures fled across the rooftops of Other Village that night.
One, on foot, turned and aimed a weapon at the flying pursuers.
Ptang! and something skimmed through Lina's shield, through her glove
and grazed her skin. Lina's Raywing spun slightly out of control, the
powers disturbed, and the cloak jumped to the road, making a break for it.
"Lina-san!!" Amelia called, finally catching up in flight. "Are you
okay?"
Without responding, Lina's anger gave her a boost of speed -- she made
a beeline for the figure, no spells at hand, no sword drawn, and simply let
gravity and flight help her body tackle, coincidentally inventing the
world's first smart missile in the process.
The two smashed together in a grunting, painful collision, the inertia
rolling them both along the street. Finally, they crashed into the side of
a candlesmith's shop, Lina pinning the hunter to the wall. She pulled the
hood away --
Lina looked back into her own eyes, and laughed madly. The other Lina.
Blood freezing cold, Lina stared at the girl; the girl who was herself,
but not exactly herself. The face had scars, like claw marks. The eyes,
darting and erratic, red with bloodshot from lack of sleep, damp from
moisture. But what she'd remember most, the one seemingly trivial detail,
was the girl's hair. Dead white, drained of all its color and shine.
The other Lina laughed, a horribly insane little chuckle of glee and
anger. Then the laughter died.
"I hate you," she said, simply, and connected her fist with Lina's jaw.
[*]
"Then when I woke up, Amelia had poured black magic coffee into my
veins, and I had other problems to deal with," Lina concluded. "I get to
the lake, and whoa! There's Naga. Then I wake up and I'm face to face
with what might have been Silverquick's past.. maybe he was just telling me
a tale of warning, or maybe it was true. But either way, now that I
actually had time to sit and really reflect on this, I wonder.. was that
the person who Silverquick was warning me about?"
Silence hung for a beat.
"You don't happen to have a twin sister, do you?" Zelgadis asked, cool
and logical.
"My big sister definitely isn't my twin," Lina asked. "I know where
this other me comes from, though. Sort of. Remember how the mirror in
Sailoon exploded? It didn't just go boom on its own. I... well..."
"Broke it?"
"I couldn't remember why. Still can't remember any specifics,
actually. But what if I broke it because I saw.. her?" Lina asked. "What
if I saw some really godawful, nightmare version of me from some insane
universe, and when I freaked out and broke the mirror... she got into our
world?"
"It makes sense. But why would she hate you, or try to kill you?"
Zelgadis asked. "And we don't know that she even knows about the mirror
lores. She might not even be related to this business."
"Like I said... I don't know, not exactly," Lina said. "But what if
it's true? It's a great big pile of unknowns here. I don't like unknowns,
they have a habit of.. of... of something very bad which I can't put into
words."
Zelgadis turned away, just slightly, to look into the night.
Pondering. Lina watched the boy think, not having anything much to say
herself, and waited.
Almost a minute later, Zelgadis spoke. "We don't know right now what's
going on with this person. It's possible that she's going to be a problem
later, but since we can't predict where or how, worrying about it like this
won't help us. In particular, moping about it today led to the accident
with Naga, who I personally can't say I had many problems with getting a
hot seat, but that's just a starting incident. So, I'd recommend trying
not to worry about this and concentrating on our current quest, which needs
more immediate attention. We can handle this Lina INVERSED later and
things will work out with caution and keeping things in perspective."
Lina was speechless.
"Of course, that's just a recommendation. Take it or leave it," Zel
said, downplaying things.
For the first time that day, Lina smiled and meant it. "It's a good
recommendation."
"I figure with me here, and Gourry and Amelia and Naga and so on, we
can handle this problem as a group," Zel continued. "So you don't have to
sit around worrying about it yourself."
"You know, Zel, you could start charging a toll for these moments of
insight and bankrupt me in short time."
"If Gourry would do his job, I wouldn't have to save the psychological
day like this at all," Zelgadis thought he said under his breath.
"What?"
"Nothing," Zelgadis said. "I'm turning in. Later."
"What about Gourry?"
"Forget it," he insisted.
"Ohhhh, no, you don't. If you can poke me until I admit what's on my
mind, I can do the same. Wh--"
"Actually, the original reason I came out here was to tell you that
Melvin's back," Zelgadis smirked, deftly switching to a topic Lina couldn't
ignore.
"Wha??! But.. wait, what about... UGH! You sneak!" Lina laughed.
"Okay, okay. To be continued. Now where is Mister Allergy?"
[*]
At the impromptu gang meeting called in Amelia's room, Melvin was all
smiles and laughter.
"It was the darndest thing," he continued to explain. "Here I was,
probably being chased by that, um, maniac who was shooting at us, and a
kind stranger helped me get home. Um. I felt kind of bad about running
out on you guys, so I decided to come back here and make sure you were
okay, and that's when I saw him."
"He met the map dealer I saw, Lina-san!" Amelia chirped. "What an
amazing coincidence!"
"Yes, exactly!" Melvin nodded. "And you'll never believe what he gave
me! I didn't look at it at first, but apparently it's a set of directions
that shows how to get to the Great Library and the Lake of Reflections.
Amelia-chan here told me you guys were looking for them, and what did you
know, I remembered that I put the paper in my pocket and it had just what
you needed on it!"
"How convenient," Zelgadis said, voice dripping with liquid suspicion.
"OOHHOOHOHHOHOHO!! It must be destiny, that this mysterious helpful
stranger came to my aid!" Naga said. "We will start out first thing in the
morning!"
"Ah, but there is a problem," Melvin said, unrolling the mapmaker's
strange paper. "According to this, the empire where the Library sat is now
in the country of Evilania, and getting there involves a lengthy trip over
land. Also, the lake is in the country of Justivalero, which is on the
other side of the ocean. We'll need to book passage on a ship."
"You know, my uncle was a sailor in the merchant marines who traded
beads and songs with the natives on various islands until he sold them a
really really bad song and the natives forced him to sing it over and over
without food or water until he died," Gourry interjected.
Dead silence.
"...I guess that's not a very funny anecdote," he noticed.
Lina sat back, considering the situation. "So... we've got two
locations to visit, one or both of which have the lores. How far away are
they?"
"Evilania's quite a distance off. A week's travel by land.
Justivalero is a week at sea, and if you wanted to travel from one to the
other, it'd be another week of combined land and sea travel," Melvin
calculated. "So, to visit both locations you're looking at about two
weeks. It's a rather jaunty little equilateral triangle, isn't it?"
"Whoa! Don't ships get sucked down to their dooms at the Equilateral
Triangle?!" Gourry asked. "My uncle told me that legend."
"No, you ninny, that's the Bahumut Trapezoid," Melvin said, rolling his
eyes, but still smiling. "Entirely different geometry."
"So... what's the Equalabular Triangle do?"
"Nothing!"
Lina got up. "Excuse me all, I have to go powder my nose. Come along,
Zel."
"Eh?" Zelgadis asked. "You want me to powder your nose?"
"Just c'mere!" Lina hissed, grabbing him by a stony ear and dragging.
"I thought the Bahumut Trapezoid was where an ancient king had his
knights meet," Gourry said, accidentally but fortuitously distracting the
others.
"No, that's the Octagonal Table."
"Isn't an Octagon a large fish?"
"That's an OctaPUS!"
"A cat?"
Melvin continued to smile. "Yes, a cat. That's it precisely. You're
so mercifully free from the ravages of intelligence, Gourry-san."
"Gosh, thanks!"
[*]
"Can you let go of my ear now?" Zelgadis asked, trying to sound
patient.
Lina released him, and dropped her voice to whisper tones, keeping the
closed door between herself and the others. "Something isn't right here."
"It does not take a nuclear alchemist to realize that," Zel mocked.
"First, we have the extremely convenient map, in addition to the other
extremely convenient maps we've obtained. Second, Melvin must have been
drinking a lot of milk last night, because he's suddenly grown a spine."
"So, do you trust his information?"
"I'm not sure. It's the only lead we have.. but we don't have a way to
verify it," Lina said. "Hrmmmm. What do you think?"
"I think I'd like to ask... why did you take ME out here?" Zel asked,
swerving the conversation another direction.
"Eh?"
"Why are you specifically conferencing with me? Did I say I wanted to
be in the decision making process here?"
"But... well, after that really good advice--"
"I should start charging a toll, then, if I'm being taken for granted."
Lina stamped her foot. "I value your advice!! Okay? Amelia's living
in a dream world all the time, Gourry just does not have a clue, and
Naga... she doesn't know how to keep a secret, and.. just work with me
here, okay?"
Zelgadis sighed. "Divide the group into two, have one set go looking
for the lake and the other for the library. Put me on the group heading by
ship and assign Melvin to me so I can keep an eye on him and kill him
quietly with no chance of escape if he tries to doublecross us, then I can
signal you somehow that it's a trap and we can turn around and meet back at
a predesignated point to start from square one."
Lina stepped back. "That's.. rather cold blooded, isn't it?"
"Do you want my advice or not?" Zelgadis asked. "If he's gone insane
or plotting to ambush us, he should be killed. I'll handle it."
"You don't have to kill him, just detain him or something. He's just a
wimpy little astrologist or something, right?"
"I'll handle it," Zelgadis repeated.
"The plan's sound otherwise. Good idea. I'll go back in and announce
that I came up with how we'll divide up."
Lina turned and started to turn the doorknob; Zelgadis put a hand over
hers, stopping her.
"What exactly are you going to do without me on this quest if you can't
make decisions for the group?" he bluntly asked.
"I can make decisions," Lina bluntly denied. "Besides, I'll be in your
group."
"And leave Gourry behind?"
"Well... um..."
"And put yourself at risk if Melvin attacks? No way, I'd rather you
not. I'll handle it, you go with the others."
With that, he twisted the knob under Lina's hand, ending the
conversation as the others looked up at them expectantly.
[*]
"Ah... good news!" Lina said, trying to cover up. Zel slipped into the
room, making like nothing was wrong, and resumed his seat.
"Did you know that a Dodecahedron was a kind of ancient bird?" Gourry
asked, revealing the fruits of the prattle he was engaged in while Lina was
out of the room. Melvin was smiling to himself, probably out of amusement,
or just the idea of throttling Gourry.
"I've decided how to handle matters," Lina said. "We're going to
divide into two groups. One will go by boat to the lake, the other by land
to the library. Three to a team. Then we'll meet back at... what's the
best midpoint between those places, Melvin?"
"That would be the Island of Ultimate Despair," Melvin smiled.
"..."
"I hear it has a lovely tourist trade this time of year. All sorts of
quaint island culture," he insisted. "It's just a name, honestly, nothing
indicative. They actually have a very low crime rate and a moderate
climate."
"..right," Lina nodded, sweating slightly. "We'll raid both places and
meet up at the Island of Ultimate Despair. Soo... Amelia, you and Gourry
come with me. Naga, Zelgadis and Melvin will go to the ocean."
"I'm not going with Naga," Zelgadis said. "She's annoying."
"Annoying? Moi? OOOHOHOOHHOHOO!! He simply has problems with me being
a more powerful and stylish sorcerer than he is!"
"Unlike Lina, I don't blast people who insult me," Zelgadis said,
turning to Naga. "I just tell them to shut up. Shut up, Naga."
"...on second thought, maybe locking these two into a ship's quarters
together is a bad idea," Lina thought aloud. "Okay, shuffle. Amelia,
Zelgadis and Melvin to sea, and me, Gourry and.. Naga on land."
"Gosh, Lina-san, I rather wanted to go with you," Melvin smiled, laying
on the charismatic admiration with a shovel. "It's not every day I have a
chance to observe a master sorceress in action."
"Why, thank y.. can't be helped," Lina said, wobbling under intense
bootlicking. "That's final."
"Hooray!" Amelia cheered. "I'm going to be in charge of leading my own
group!"
"Actually, Zelgadis is going to lead in my absence," Lina said.
"Ehhh?! But... but Lina-san!" Amelia protested, eyes getting all big
and watery, balling up her fists under her chin adorably. "Don't you trust
me?"
"..." Lina said under the assault of cuteness. She looked to Zelgadis
for support, but Zel had decided to look in another direction. "Ah, well..
Amelia-chan.. um..."
Gourry tapped Lina's shoulder.
"Ne," he whispered, "You could have Zelgadis lead them and just let
Amelia think she's in charge to make her happy."
Lina looked at Gourry with a stare usually reserved for small woodland
mammals who pause in gathering nuts and berries to recite particle physics
theories.
"Just a thought," he smiled politely.
"Okay!" Lina said, raising her voice. "Amelia! You're in command.
Zelgadis will be your, ah.. 'Advisor'."
"YAHOOO!!" Amelia shrieked at a pitch that could probably shatter
glass. "You won't be sorry, Lina-san! You won't be you won't be you won't
be!"
Gourry smiled kindly. "See? Everybody's happy now."
[*]
Las Sailoon was aptly named. Sailoon had a particular thing for
naming its major cities which bordered on geographical narcissism -- there
was New Sailoon, Sailoon City, Sailoonburg, Neo-Sailoon, and so on. Las
Sailoon was the primary port of the country, from which you could obtain
transportation, trade goods, and visit the fabled Sailoon Bureau of
Tourism.
"The name actually translates out of ancient Saileese," Melvin
explained, as the group entered the city walls. "'Sailoon' meaning 'The
country of wonders and prosperity', and 'Las' meaning 'To get completely
lost in'. It was very fitting for travelers."
"We'll be going out rather than in," Lina said. "Okay, team. The game
plan?"
"I'll take my group down to the docks and book passage on a ship,"
Amelia recited. "We'll go to Justivalero, get whatever is at the Lake of
Reflections, and then take the ship to the Island of Ultimate Despair."
"Right. And my group will get a stagecoach to take us into Evilania,
where we'll find the lost library and get what's probably the book of
lores, then we'll skim over to the Island as well," Lina confirmed.
"According to my calculations, if we start off right now and allocate two
or three days for searching for our items we'll meet at the same time at
the island, ready to go!"
"Onward towards the glory of Sailoon!" Amelia added, just to throw in a
patriotic note.
The group split, three and three, and immediately got on a ship and a
stagecoach and went off and got their stuff and met up and the Oracle
Mirror was remade and returned to Sailoon and they lived happily ever
after.
THE END
"A what?" Lina asked.
"Passport," the coach driver repeated. "I can't get you into Evilania
unless you're cleared for entrance by the Evilanian Board of Tourism at
their embassy in Las Sailoon. The paperwork is required to pass all border
checkpoints."
"Okay.. we can handle that," Lina nodded. "Where's the embassy?"
"The 3rd Rue de Sailoone on the corner of Steif and Purcell behind the
coffee shop with the red canopy."
"Right! Gourry, remember that for me," Lina said, making a very large
mistake.
"Got it!" Gourry said, three seconds before forgetting.
[*]
"Huh?" Amelia asked.
"Travel insurance," the captain repeated. "I got sued no less than
three months ago because someone fell over the side and drowned. They said
I had to make sure everybody had safety training and travel insurance
before I could take them any distance farther than two hundred miles by
sea."
"Okay.. we can handle that," Amelia nodded. "Where do we get training
and insurance?"
"You'll want to head to the Sailoon Department of Oceanic Vehicles.
It's over on the east side of the harbor, so you'll need to get a skiff to
head over there or make your way through the streets, and find a red brick
building with a yellow sign in front with the royal crest of Sailoon."
"Right! Zelgadis-san, remember that for me," Amelia said, selecting
wisely.
"Got it," Zel said, memorizing.
[*]
Melvin was not entirely correct about the translation of Las Sailoon.
True, Sailoon stood for a variation on the theme of 'The country of
wonders and prosperity.' But Saileese, a language not actually used in
Sailoon for centuries, was discarded for a reason -- it tries to pack too
much meaning into too few syllables. So, 'Las' specifically when aligned
with the name of a city meant 'To be lost inside and never emerge again as
a result of the many-faceted horrors of red tape'. It's nice to know that
despite the language dying out, the thing it honored has been upheld by
generation upon generation of clerks, travel agents, and bureaucrats in Las
Sailoon. Not to mention architects and city planners.
"Where's that building?!" Lina groaned. They were very, very far
behind in her timetable, which had allocated five minutes to getting on a
coach and rolling out of town. So far they had been searching the city for
a half hour trying to find... a place which Gourry was supposed to
remember.
"Sorry I forgot," Gourry said. "I got distracted."
"Maybe we should go back to the coach station and get more directions,"
Lina sighed. "Although we're really taking awhile here. I'd prefer to
just get this over with..."
"Lina, Lina! You're so naive!" Naga chuckled. "You must be more
aggressive, like me. Observe!"
Naga reached into the crowd of pedestrians, pulled one out and slammed
him against a nearby wall with Impressive Force. "Tell us where we can
find the Evilanian Embassy, peasant!!!" she demanded.
The peasant made no sounds.
"You knocked him out, Naga," Lina commented.
"Oi..." Gourry said, pointing across the street. "Isn't that... uh..."
"Not now, Gourry. Try again, Naga, but GENTLY."
The White Serpent cracked her knuckles and repeated the procedure of
harassing a random bystander. "Where is the Evilanian Embassy?!"
"Aaaaaa! Evilanian! Evilanian!" the tourist screamed. "Run away!"
The crowd of tourists scattered like frightened tourists. The one in
Naga's grip sacrificed his five GP flowered shirt to make a clean getaway.
"I have this sneaking suspicion that 'Evilania' is not a well liked
country," Lina mused.
"Anooo... Lina..." Gourry said, tapping Lina's shoulder.
Naga dusted off her hands. "I guess we'll just have to start breaking
things until someone complies with our requests!"
"But.. the embassy's right there."
Gourry pointed to a building made of absolute darkness, carved from
onyx bricks fired in forges of blood that sucked in the daylight. A dark
stormcloud hung over the building, thunder rolling as the trio gazed upon
the evil embassy. Doom, doom was nigh! The coming of portents of doom and
despair! All will perish in the everlasting fires of damnation!! Weep, o
arrogant humanity, for--
*WHAM*
"We get the point already!!" Lina yelled at the narrator, putting her
mallet away. "This seems to be the place. Come on, let's get on with it."
[*]
The docks were empty. Even the seagulls were missing. If it wasn't
for the occasional discarded mooring line, the Las Sailoon Small To Medium
Sized Docking Pier #34 would just look like a bunch of Lincoln Logs tossed
into the bay.
"Hey, where is everybody?" Amelia asked.
"Come come, princess!" Melvin smiled. "Surely you remember that this
is the prime lobster season. In fact, today the catch should be at its
peak. Um. Every local boat is going to be out finding the catch of the
day."
Amelia peered across the bay. "That's a long way to walk, if we're
gonna go on foot... hmmm. We could fly!"
"I'm afraid of heights," Melvin said. "They give me rashes or
something."
"If not flying, then....." Zelgadis said, looking around and around
and.. "Oh, great. It seems there is one boat left."
He gestured to a nearby sign, painted in a variety of eye-pleasing
primary colors. It read CAPTAIN KID'S SHIVER ME TIMBERS KIDDIE HARBOR
TOUR.
"Ohh, that's so cuuute!" Amelia bubbled. "Let's take that, let's!"
"I hope stone teeth can't get cavities," Zelgadis muttered.
Giggling with girlish glee, Amelia hopped along the pier until she
reached the sign. She leaned over, to call out to the boat below.
"Hello! We'd like to book passage!"
"ARRR!!!" a gruff, fat voice called from the pathetically dinky rowboat
lashed to the pier with second hand moorings. The captain, a jolly old man
with a corncob pipe and a parrot on his shoulder, waved to Amelia.
"Welcome aboard, yungun! That'll be five pieces 'o eight for a journey!
Arrrr!!"
"I'm not going," Zelgadis announced.
"Awww, but it looks like it'll be fun," Amelia protested. "It'll be so
boring on an ocean voyage, let's have a little enjoyment now!"
"I'll see you on the other side of the bay. RAYWING!" Zelgadis cast, a
bubble popping around him. He zipped off across the bay and landed on the
other side ten seconds later, then loitered like only an angsty chimera
can.
Amelia waved politely as he left, then turned to Melvin. "So! Shall
we?"
"Why, yes. It might actually be somewhat amusing," Melvin smiled,
stepping down the ladder and onto the boat.
"Shiver me timbers!!" Captain Kid shivered, hauling in the moorings.
"Welcome to me mighty sea vessel!"
"It's a rowboat, you silly old man," Melvin giggled.
"Ah, but it no be any ORDINARY rowboat, ye land lubber! It be having a
glass bottom, to look at the fine variety of aquatic life in Las Sailoon
Bay!"
"Life in the bay!! Life in the bay!!" the parrot on the captain's
shoulder squawked. "Squawk! Shut up, Marge!"
Amelia immediately pressed her face against the glass hard enough to
look like a Picasso, scaring off any fish who dared to look in her
direction. "Wowf! If reaffy neef down thfrf!"
"So, what happens if the glass breaks?" Melvin asked, curiously.
"Then we be sucked down to Terry Jones' Locker, me mates! But you no
be worrying. Captain Kid runs a tight ship, that he does!" the captain
laughed.
"Squawk! Suck down tight! Suck down tight! Go to hell, Marge!"
"What an interesting bird," Melvin giggled, tickling it under the
chin. It playfully tried to bite his finger off. "So, chances are very
low for such a disaster, you'd say?"
"Why, a million to one!" the Captain exclaimed. "Ye be enjoying the
scenery of the bay? Over by the Shady Dealings Warehouse, ye can see the
Statue of King Ivan the Not Very Terrible, first ruler of Sailoon! Aye,
what a salty dog he was!"
"Squawk! Salty dealings, salty dealings! That's not my knife, Marge!"
Melvin glanced down at Amelia, who was too busy checking out the
amazingly detailed featureless bottom of the harbor to notice anything. He
looked back up at the captain and smiled.
"Want to make a bet?"
[*]
Whoever designed the Evilanian Embassy didn't have much variety in
their thinking. But what they lacked in quantity, they made up in another
kind of quantity.
Black. Everything was black, except for the few silver or blood red
things. The flowers were black with blood red stems in a black vase on
either side of the black receptionist's desk. There were also skulls,
surrounding the entry door, worked into the concrete of the walls; most of
them had melting candles stuck to them. The chandelier was also skulls
with candles. And a large mural, embedded with tiny imitation finger bones
in the floor, was a huge omega with a skull in the center.
"Eeeeeh.. this place is creepy," Gourry said, keeping one hand on his
sword hilt.
"How stylish!!" Naga exclaimed, stars flooding her eyes, clasping her
hands cutely to her cheek.
"I'm not impressed," Lina said. "I mean, come on. You put a cheap
weather spell to give the place a constant localized thunderstorm, okay,
that's interesting. But all this evil schitck is so last century. Cheesy
melodrama all the way."
"Just because these nice Evilanians have more aesthetic sense than you
doesn't mean you can insult them, Lina," Naga warned. "Be open to the many
wonderful fashion and design opportunities!"
"I'm not here for an art critique, anyway," Lina snorted. "Let's get
on with it."
The trio approached the receptionist's desk. The receptionist herself
was a young woman with a black dress made almost entirely from lace,
complete with black fingernail polish, black mascara, a few facial
piercings and entirely too much hairspray. Lina had trouble breathing
around that head.
"Woe onto the last century of eternity. Can I help you?" she asked
politely.
"We need passports into Evilania," Lina said.
"You want subbasement dungeon four, portal thirteen," the receptionist
said, peeling a completely inaccurate map off of a stack, next to a variety
of leaflets ("Spotter's Guide to Dark Omens," "Evilania : Fun For The Whole
Cult!" and the ever popular "Things To Do In Evilania When You're Dead").
"Thanks!" Lina said.
"Burn in torment," the receptionist nodded, and resumed writing an
office memo in her own blood.
[*]
Zelgadis was so busy eating a sizzling weasel on a stick from a nearby
vendor and being completely bored out of his skull waiting for the dinky
little boat that he almost didn't see it sink.
One moment it was sputtering along, rowed by the obviously out of
shape, over the hill and beyond the event horizon captain, the next it was
at the bottom of the bay. Whoosh. Being one to size up a situation and
react fast, he immediately recast his Raywing bubble, darted above the
bubbles that were being formed, and plunged into the water.
His shield kept plenty of air for him to breathe, as he found the
splintered wreck ten feet under the surface; the bay wasn't particularly
deep there, fortunately. Amelia and the Captain were busy gagging and
drowning; Melvin sat in the wreckage where he was before it went down.
Smiling to himself.
If the guy was trying not to look suspicious, he really wasn't trying
very hard, Zel thought. He added strength to the Raywing, and scooped up
the three of them, floating back up to the surface.
As the bubble bobbed on the water's waves, the dripping wet
ex-passengers reoriented themselves.
"That was rather scary, wasn't it?" Melvin smiled. "I wish I had some
of my pills. Oh dear, my head."
"What happened?!" Amelia gasped, sucking in air. "One moment I was
looking at the neat fish, the next minute.. splash!"
"Me boat! Me boat!!" the captain screamed. "She be sunk! The
horror! The horror!"
"Squawk! She sunk, she sunk! Bite me, Marge!"
"You're all very lucky to be alive," Zelgadis reminded them, floating
the bubble back over to the weasel vendor's area. "Must've been a million
to one chance for that boat to sink, eh?"
The captain considered that, then grimly took out five pieces 'o eight,
and gave them to Melvin. "Bet's a bet," he muttered.
Zelgadis released the bubble, and the captain moped off, his spirit
broken.
"Awww... that poor man," Amelia pouted. "Ne! We should buy him a new
boat! Break out the petty cash!"
"We need the money for our own trip," Zelgadis reminded her. "As your
'Advisor', I'd say you should just send a message back to your father to
reimburse him, plus damages."
"Hey! That's a great idea!" Amelia smiled. "I think I'll do that.
Yep, no disaster can sink THIS team! Let this... hang on."
Amelia looked around, then started to climb the drainpipe of the dinky
weasel vendor's shack. She pulled herself onto the roof after two false
tries, then stood up, wobbling to get her balance. Then struck a dramatic
pose.
"Oh, no," Zel groaned.
"Let this set forth the pattern of our noble quest!" Amelia intoned.
"No matter what obstacles lie in our path, no matter what mishaps may
spring upon us from out of nowhere and/or out of the blue, we will
persevere! Under the banner of truth, justice, and the Sailoon way, I will
lead us to reclaim whatever is at the Lake of Reflections, and we will be
glorious!!"
In a final act of leadership and bravado, Amelia jumped from the roof
to land and sprint off towards the endless horizon of triumph, except that
instead she fell flat on her face.
"Yay," Zel cheered.
[*]
Beneath the murky hallways of the Evilanian Embassy lurked a maze of
twisty little hallways, all alike in their murkiness.
"3... 5... 8... 17... Q... Ix... uh..." Gourry recited, reading the
numbers of the doors they passed by. "I might not be a highly educated
guy, but I don't think these people know how to count right."
Lina grumbled. "Of course we'd have to be held up by something as
silly as finding the office. This is so annoying! We're supposed to be on
our way here!"
Curious, Naga opened a nearby foreboding portal of iron, and looked
inside. "Either there's a dentist in residence or we're in the torture
section of the building."
"Don't be ridiculous, Naga. It's an embassy, not a gulag," Lina said,
before looking in. Then she looked in. "Whoa."
"How do they twist the metal strips like that?" Naga wondered.
"Twist? Hell, I'm wondering how they SHARPEN them. And look at the
polish!"
"It's not polished. Here, turn your head like this..."
Naga turned her head.
Gourry turned his head.
"It's quite different that way," Naga agreed. "More opaque rather than
shiny."
"Why does it need three handles?" Gourry asked, gathering around the
door. "And what are all those buckles for?"
"Probably to keep the dental patient from getting away from that
rotating swirly thing."
"Noooo..." Naga said, thinking. "That's what the clasp near the
pink-painted wooden bit is for, I think. Such engineering prowess, these
Evilanians have!"
"I dunno... seems kind of evil to me," Gourry stated the obvious.
Lina swung the door closed. "Either way, this isn't why we're here.
Anybody spotted.. what was it?"
"Portal thirteen," Naga almost got right.
"There isn't a thirteen," Gourry pointed out. "It goes 5, 8, 17, Q..."
"I know," Lina interrupted. "It can't be TOO far from here. We'll just
keep looking."
[*]
'Dah, da dum da dee da da da dum,
dah, da dum da dee da da da dum,
dah, da dum da dee da da da da, da da, da, da...'
Someone coughed.
Feet shuffled.
Zelgadis looked at the ticket he had pulled : 145.
Then he looked a the Now Serving counter : 7.
He listened to the inane music echoing from a nearby Accordion Players
Guildhall.
He started to tap his foot.
He immediately stopped that.
Time passed.
"This is quite possibly the most boring moment in my entire life," he
commented aloud.
"Huh?" Amelia asked, looking up from an informative brochure on Ocean
Safety she had picked up at the front desk. "Aww, come on. The music's
catchy, and we've only been here about... how long?"
"Exactly fifty four minutes," Melvin asided.
"Right! I'm sure we'll be out of here in no time."
[*]
And lo, as prophesied by the ancient wisdoms, the end was nigh when the
words were heard :
"I'm getting hungry," Lina complained. "Where's this office already??"
"We've been searching for two hours," Naga said. "This is ridiculous.
If only there were people I could interrogate..."
"Let's start busting down walls until we find the place," Lina
suggested. Her stomach rumbled in agreeance.
"Whoa, whoa!" Gourry said, getting between Lina and the nearest wall.
"They won't want to give us a passport if we trash their embassy. It's got
to be around here somewhere. We're on the right floor, right?"
"Of course we are!" Lina said, underneath a sign reading SUBBASEMENT
DUNGEON FIVE. "Okay! That's it. We start opening doors until we find
it."
Naga pulled open the nearest door marked 'DO NOT ENTER', then closed it
before a large tentacled monster could grab her.
"But first, we run," Lina amended. They ran. The door swung outwards,
and the monster slurped slowly down the hallway, seeking them.
[*]
'Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah Oompah
Oompah....'
"Amelia, stop dancing."
"Huh? Oh, sorry."
Zelgadis twitched slightly. "I'm calm. I'm calm. The music is not
causing my urge to kill to rise..."
A pasty-faced clerk walked up to the reception desk, and clanged a
portable gong on the counter. "Now serving : 146!"
"Wait! What happened to 145?!" Zelgadis asked.
"We already called you," the clerk said. "Didn't you hear?"
"The polka was too loud," Melvin smiled. "I don't think we did."
The clerk gave a little 'Watch Me Not Care' sort of shrug. "Take
another number and get back in line."
"I'll have you know I'm a very powerful sorcerer," Zelgadis warned.
Crossing his arms in a defiant paper pusher stance, the clerk stuck out
his lower lip. "Threatening to turn me into a frog won't get you in ahead
of the line."
There was an brief inrush of air, and a croak.
"I don't make threats," Zelgadis said, after the fact.
"Ummmm... Zelgadis-san, I don't think turning civil servants into
toads--"
"Frogs, Amelia."
"--is a very polite thing to do. We're trying to be honorable and
valiant on this quest, right?"
"We are? Since when?"
Melvin stepped up. "If I may make a suggestion?"
The others looked at him.
"Since we seem to be hitting difficulties here, how about if you,
Amelia, allow Zelgadis a certain amount of leeway in the congeniality
department, then we can be very honorable and valiant once outside the
country to make up for the gap?" Melvin smiled. "That would be an
acceptable deal. After all, don't you want to show Lina how good a leader
you are by finishing your job as fast as you can?"
Amelia's brain struggled over ethics, morality, law, consequences,
desires, needs and personality quirks for awhile. The boys sat around and
waited for her to reach a decision.
"Ooooookay," Amelia said. "But don't go overboard, alright?"
"Yeah, yeah," Zel agreed.
[*]
A huge demon monstrosity, phallic tentacles dripping with pink goo
faced off against the three adventurers.
"What IS that thing?!" Gourry asked, his sword drawn and ready.
"It's wearing a tie!" Lina said, seeing the dinky strip of fabric
around what could possibly be a neck. "I have a feeling it works here..."
"OOHOHOHOOO! I will destroy the beast in one blow!!" Naga laughed,
charging up enough electricity to destroy everything in a twenty foot
radius..
"Naga!" Lina shouted. "Ask questions, THEN shoot! This thing could help
us!"
"Glooorrrrp glar fhppthtttttb(squick squick)," the monster replied.
"Don't be silly, Lina. Clearly it has such horribly disgusting
intentions towards our bodies that we must strike it down before it even
considers such things!" Naga assumed.
"But think! What if-- wait a minute, why am I arguing this?" Lina
said, returning to her classical methods of dealing with Naga.
*BONK*
"Ow!" Naga yelped, her spell piffling out.
"That's better. Now, umm... Mr. Thing, you speak human?"
The monster paused. A tentacle reached into the front pocket of what
could possibly be a designer sport coat, and withdrew a hearing aid, which
it shoved into an orifice on its head.
"I say, not every day we see chaps like you down here in the 'ol
offices. How do you do?" the monster said in gentle, well inflected words.
"..." Lina replied.
"Are you lost, guvn'r? I know my way around here like the back of my
pseudopods, you know."
"Yes! That's it! We're lost!" Gourry nodded emphatically. "Where's
room thirteen?"
"Thirteen?" the unholy wretch asked, scratching its twisted little
head. "There isn't a thirteen on this floor. Terribly sorry. ...or did
you mean the fourth subbasement dungeon? This is the fifth, afraid."
Gourry bopped his fist into his palm, the universal signal of
understanding. "I see! So we were on the wrong floor, like I thought. I
must have good instincts! My uncle was a navigator, you know."
"..." Lina continued.
[*]
After Zelgadis was kind enough to revert the clerk back to human form
and someone got the dazed bureaucrat a glass of water to calm his nerves,
the group immediately and swiftly was ushered into a posh looking office
where they instantly proceeded to continue to wait.
It was posh by the standards of the day, meaning it had carpeting and
an indoor gas lamp. Gas lamps were harder to obtain in city environments
because they tended to explode and turn perfectly normal buildings into
fifty foot tall pillars of fire. Having one meant you were either very
rich, very suicidal, or both.
Amelia busied herself toying with a strange group of metal balls that,
when you pulled one back and let it swing down into the row, would knock
the one on the other end up into the air. Zel couldn't see any possible
use for it.
"I say, insurance people live well," Melvin commented, sweeping a
finger along a shelf for dust. "Even civil ones. Maybe I'm in the wrong
occupation."
"What's taking the guy?" Zel asked. "We've been here for a half hour."
"He probably has many other important clients to attend to," Amelia
said. "We at Sailoon take safety very seriously, you know. Maintaining
vigilance and standards makes for a better tomorrow!"
The door opened, and an obese man in a business suit wandered in,
tripping on the carpet and knocking over a potted plant which hit the gas
lamp and immediately caught on fire, which quickly spread through a row of
dusty old books on the nearby shelf.
Amelia panicked, waving her arms around in a blur. Melvin giggled.
Zelgadis immediately cast an elemental Shamanist spell and doused the fire.
"Sorry, sorry," the insurance agent apologized, leveraging himself off
the ground in full defiance of physics. He shifted his bulk over to the
ridiculously small chair behind his desk. "I was busy setting off
fireworks behind the building with some of my pals, then we had to get a
delivery of scissors to the Claims department really quick... I got caught
up. Anyway, what can I do you for?"
"Uhh..." Amelia started, still shaken, not stirred. "We need travel
insurance. For an ocean trip."
"Oh, that's easy... where'd I put those forms.." the man mumbled to
himself, rooting through the desk. Fishing out a stack of greasy papers,
he handed them to Amelia. "Sorry, I had my sandwich on them. Fill these
out in hectiplacate."
Amelia looked at the smudged, impossible to read primitive ink printed
document. "Umm.. as leader, I delegate this task to Melvin!"
"I hear and obey," Melvin smiled, taking the papers and a nearby stylus
and setting to work.
"That's it, I trust? Just forms?" Zel asked.
"Oh, no. We also gotta get you certified on Ocean Safety with our
training course," the clerk said. "I think the next session starts in...
ummm... where's my timetable... oh, right. Three hours from now."
"Three hours," Zel repeated, stomach sinking.
"It'll probably take me that long to finish these anyway," Melvin
noted, still writing.
"I'm going to go get us some takeout food," Zelgadis announced, getting
up. "Saileese Fried Mutton okay with everyone?"
"Oooo! I want an Amusing Meal!" Amelia smiled. "They've got miniature
figures shaped like my daddy this month!"
"Yes, I guess that would justify the inflated price of them," Zel said,
rolling his eyes. "You know, I bet Lina's already enjoying some foreign
cuisine on her little road trip while we're stuck in here."
[*]
"AAARHGHGH!!!!" Lina yelled, pulling at her hair.
"How weird," Gourry understated. He looked at the nearby door, which
was marked 13. The door next to that was 13. The door a few feet down the
hall was 13, as was the one at the end of the hall and another at the
juncture to the next hall. In fact, every door visible and probably the
ones that weren't visible had a jaunty 13 scored onto them with a red hot
iron.
"You know," Naga commented, getting philosophical, "The more I see of
Evilanian architecture, the more I appreciate it. This is truly evil.
Perhaps I should invite my worst enemies to come here sometime, to trap
them in an endless maze of pain and torment! OOOHHOOHOOOOOHOHHOHOOO!!"
Lina cried tears of despair, while throttling Gourry. "I'm hungry!
I'm tired! I'm weak with fatigue! When will the nightmare end?! WHEN?"
"Wgaggaggaa," Gourry responded, wobbling around when Lina let go. He
shook his head to clear it, regretted that instantly, and decided to just
hold very still. "Well... if all the doors are thirteen... and we gotta
use the thirteenth door.. then any of them should work. Right?"
"Or only one of them does and we have to find the right thirteen out of
about two hundred doors!" Naga almost smiled. "How amazingly EVIL!"
"I like being an optometrist," Gourry smirked.
"'Optimist', Gourry," Lina corrected.
"Oh, no, I don't know anything about eyeballs."
Gourry picked the nearest #13, and pulled the imposing door open...
...to reveal a small office, with a nebbishy looking clerk writing up
some forms behind a desk. A half-eaten sandwich and mug of coffee was
mixed in with the various papers and forms, and considerably more
important, a sign hanging over the desk read PASSPORTS GIVEN HERE.
Lina's eyes filled with stars. "Gourry! You're a lifesaver!"
Gourry smiled, and puffed out his chest a little. "Well, I--"
"YOU FOUND FOOD!" Lina exclaimed, zooming into the room fast enough to
leave a Lina-shaped cloud of smoke where she was standing. She immediately
scooped up the sandwich, and ate it in one gulp, her stomach making
happy-noises.
The clerk looked up in surprise. "Hey, that was my fried egg, chili
and chutney sandwich!"
Lina turned purple.
"Excuse me! We're looking for passports!" Gourry said, raising his
voice so it could be heard over Lina's gagging and choking. "We need to
get into Evilania so we can look for a bookstore or something."
Papers were shuffled as the clerk searched for the right forms, then
eventually handed out three identical papers to Naga, Gourry and the
recovering Lina. "Fill these out with a number two quill at the form
filling station over there."
Naga held up her paper closer to her face, because truthfully she had
slightly bad eyesight but never wanted to admit that she needed glasses, no
matter how much property damage it caused. "A questionnaire? Hmmm..." She
fetched a quill, and started checking off boxes. "Yes, yes, yes, yes,
yes..."
Lina finally caught her breath, only to lose it again when she saw the
questions. "WHAT?! What kind of passport application is this? 'I enjoy
dressing up in black leather and chrome studs, Y/N'... 'I sometimes enjoy
hurting small animals, Y/N'... 'I feel dirty when I mastruuu...' OI!
We're not gonna answer any weirdo perverted questions!! Right, guys?!"
"Uhhh.. uhhhhh... uhhhhh..." Gourry agreed, turning red in the face
from embarrassment as he read his form.
Naga walked over, and pushed her completed form across the desk. "All
done!"
A few quick passes with his quill, and the clerk checked out Naga's
form. "Excellent! Welcome to Evilania, like-minded individual. Hail
Evilania and all its tainted fruits!"
"Hail Evilania!" Naga repeated, saluting. "This country will be a most
enjoyable place for a quest. Don't you think so, Lina? OOHHOHOHOOO!!"
[*]
Amelia, Zelgadis, and Melvin stood in rank and file with the other
three Sailoon citizens who were here for Ocean Safety Training. Nobody
budged an inch.
The last person who tried to shift from one foot to the other was made
to do fifty pushups. Someone who sneezed had to do fifty pushups
one-handed. The drill instructor, one Corporal Punishment, paced back and
forth in front of the recruits, his Sailoon military helmet polished to a
degree that could melt a hole in a wall from the reflected sunlight.
"Never before have I seen a more worthless load of maggots!" he
declared in a voice that could probably be heard in Evilania. "But when
I'm done kicking your sorry asses from this side of Sailoon Harbor to the
next, you WILL BE lean, mean, OCEAN SAFETY MACHINES! NOW SOUND OFF LIKE
YOU'VE GOT A PAIR!!! YOU WITH THE STUPID GRIN!"
"Who, me?" Melvin smiled.
The corporal got so far into Melvin's personal space that he could be
charged rent.
"There's a joker in every bunch! Well, the Sailoon Oceanic Safety
Council don't got room for no jokers! You try anything funny with me,
mister, and I'll bust you down to civilian so hard your grandparents die!!
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!"
"PERFECTLY, YOUR EXCELLENCY!" Melvin barked, retaining his grin.
The corporal sneered, and gave Melvin the evil eye, before proceeding
down the line. "You, little girl! You think a powder puff like you has
what it takes not to accidentally fall overboard and drown in a
hurricane!? WELL, DO YOU!"
"Uh, no, sir!" Amelia yelped. "I mean, yes, sir! Sir, yes, I mean!
Sir! Um.. actually, I'm the princess of Sailoon, so really you should be
calling me ma'am, sir, but--"
"WHAT?!" the veteran barked. "So now we got some miss pretty perfect
PRIN-CESS on our squad? Thinking she deserves special treatment?! WELL,
AS FAR AS THE SAILOON OCEANIC SAFETY COUNCIL IS CONCERNED, YOU ARE LITTLE
MORE THAN SEA SCUM! Drop and give me infinity!"
Amelia's resolve dissolved like it was dropped in acid, and she
immediately got down and started pushing out weak little exercises. The
corporal nodded in satisfaction, and moved on... and paused.
"You look funny, boy," he said, his breath not meeting Zelgadis's
approval. "You ain't from around here, are you? Some kind of foreign spy
trying to ride OUR waves and learn OUR safety protocols?? WHERE YOU COME
FROM, WORM?"
"I don't feel the need to tell you," Zel said, voice cooler than
Vanilla Ice.
The corporal almost stepped back. "Well well well, we got a dissenter
in the ranks, don't we?"
"Are you going to give us the stupid safety test or not, 'sir?'"
Zelgadis asked. "I've been here for hours. My legs are killing me. And
I'm starting to consider going across the road and blowing up that
Accordion Players Guild. Although I could start with you first, if you
prefer."
"HAH! Boy thinks he has the mettle to go up against the veteran of two
foreign wars?!" the corporal balked.
"Big deal," Zel said. "I helped take down Shaburanigdo, the dark lord
of all."
"Think you're something tough, do ya, boy? Wanna put your money where
your mouth is??"
Zelgadis cracked his knuckles. "Amelia? Would having a little
tete-a-tete with General Mayhem here go too far beyond our agreement for
leeway?"
"Nnhggh... nhnh... six..." Amelia grunted, pushing up.
"I'll take that as a no."
The corporal turned red. "Alright, punk! 'bout time your elder taught
you some lessons!" He pulled his ceremonial combat oar from his belt,
readying it. "HAVE AT Y--"
"RA TILT!!" Zelgadis yelled, angling the spirit dimension's energy
across reality and channeling it as a steady stream of raw psychic force.
With a howl of ethereal winds, the corporal was blasted at subsonic speeds
across the harbor, through a few masts, and into the window of a mattress
factory a thousand feet away.
Melvin clapped in appreciation. "Bravo, bravo."
"I just used the most powerful spell in Shamanism to smack an annoying
person," Zelgadis realized. "Melvin, do you think I'm turning into Lina?"
"Why, of course not. Your hair is such a nice bluish purple, not
orange."
Zelgadis turned to the others, looking downright tired. "How about if
we just forge that guy's signature on our forms and move on?"
There was a consensus of nodding.
"Good. Amelia? You can stop that now."
"Nnhh.. seven... ano? Oh. Sorry!"
[*]
As the sun set on another Las Sailoon day, business drew to a
close. More wood pulp was imported to make more forms, workers
went off to bars catering to bureaucrats and exchanged high fives and war
stories of how they inconvenienced dozens and dozens of people, and in the
end, everybody lurched home tired, drunk, or both.
Zelgadis wished he was drunk, because he certainly was tired. The
papers Melvin carried around with him, insurance forms and certificates
certifying that yes indeed, his companions were fully capable of surviving
an ocean voyage without doing anything stupid like jumping off the mast and
then suing the captain, were ready to be used.
Unfortunately, the ship they originally were trying to book had already
taken off for parts unknown. In fact, practically all of the passenger
craft had set sail. The only one left was...
"Boy, there must be a strong magic to keep that hull afloat!" Amelia
commented.
"I believe the magic in question is called 'Desperate Belief,'" Melvin
said.
The S.S. Guppy was not exactly the pride of the fleet. Holes had been
patched over roughly with crisscrossed boards and rusty nails. The life
preservers were deflated. Someone had stripped the lifeboat for firewood.
The sail seemed to have a few pairs of underwear sewn into it to cover up
tears.
The trio stood on the dock for awhile, considering their immediate
future.
"You know?" Zelgadis asked nobody in particular. "By this point, I
really don't care. It could be a couple of logs lashed together with kite
string. I want to get on a boat, get going towards Justivalero, and then
go to bed. Who's with me?"
"I am! It'll probably be really exciting!" Amelia smiled.
"Yes, the constant nagging fear of an icy cold death in the ocean
waters can be a thrill," Melvin smiled. "I have a feeling I'll run out of
allergy pills quite fast."
Amelia dashed up the gangway (gangplank? ladder? mouseholed dangerous
looking slab of wood connecting it to the dock?), full of Pep, which has
been defined as the boundless energy available to all young idealistic
girls. Melvin strolled along without a care behind her; Zelgadis dragged
his weak form along, relying heavily on the rickety hand rail.
A young man, maybe in his early teens, was asleep at the railing. He
wore the ratty, probably not changed in aeons clothes normally associated
with the cabin boy, along with the scruffy hair and vague scent of one who
regularly bathes in distilled sea water. He blinked his way to
consciousness when Amelia tapped him politely on the shoulder. "Whaha?
What?"
"We'd like to sail to Justivalero!" Amelia smiled.
It took a moment for that to sink in.
"You're kidding, right? Justivalero?" the cabin boy asked. "You're
from Sailoon and you want to go to Justivalero?"
"You betcha!"
"No amount of money could get ME to go there," he grumbled, until
Melvin shook a change purse the size of a cow's stomach in front of him.
"Let's get moving! We're burning daylight here! Hup hup!"
"Great!!" Amelia cheered. "Signal the captain and we'll get going!"
The cabin boy puffed out his chest a little. "I AM the captain. And
the navigator. And the cabin boy and the cook..."
"This explains why the deck seems so completely devoid of crew," Melvin
noted.
"Actually, I'm the only crew member here..." the boy smiled nervously,
rubbing a hand behind his head in the classic pose of the ancient Ronin,
Goh Dai. "Don't worry! This is a heavily modified boat, I can handle it.
Can I take your bags?"
Zelgadis looked at all of the no bags.
"Or not," the boy said sheepishly.
"You were right, Amelia. I'm excited already," Melvin smiled.
[*]
Getting the passports was the easy part. Once they had completed the
highly personal and slightly perverted questionnaire, and after Lina
threatened to shove the clerk's head so far up the body part in Question
#34 that he would be able to see his lunch, the passport guy was convinced
the three were sufficiently evil to pass for Evilanians, and they were off.
The hard part was finding their way out of the building. Somehow, the
halls had rearranged themselves while they were busy being interrogated by
proxy, and the stairs had apparently been relocated.
Hours passed. Hunger grew, as did whining complaints. Eventually,
they resorted to drilling straight up through the building with highly
destructive magic, leaving confused looking janitors and scorched offices
in their wake, eventually popping out on the roof.
Lina was trembling. "Food. Food. Food."
"Well, I'm glad to be out of there!" Gourry said, trying to be
enthusiastic for her. "Now, it's on to getting a coach ticket, and...
ano.. Lina, you're OW! Hey, wha OW!"
"Mmhpmphmph," Lina responded, continuing to try to eat Gourry's leg.
Naga scanned the city skyline. "Most of the coach stations are closed,
it seems... ah! Lina, I see one! Lina?... oh."
"Help," Gourry said weakly, unsuccessfully prying Lina off of his
limb. She had already gnawed through his armor with a blank, starved look
in her eyes.
Naga laughed a bit at the absurdity of her two sidekicks, then flew
down to street level, blew up a sausage-in-a-bun stand and carried up an
armful of slightly charred greasy snack foods. "Lina! I brou--"
The emaciated sorceress snatched all the taste delights in a blinding
flash and swallowed them whole. Naga hoped leather was good for you,
because she was missing a glove as well.
There was a deep rumbling, as Lina's stomach went into maximum
overdrive. A few scary moments passed, and...
"YOSH!" Lina exclaimed, clenching a fist. "Lina Inverse Calorie POWER
UP! Ready to go!"
[*]
Somewhere a few miles out to sea, Zelgadis slept like a rock.
[*]
Sailoon is known worldwide for its highly sophisticated system of
travel. The roads are always in excellent condition, there are frequent
rest stops to water your horse, take a nap or get prepackaged nutritionally
hazardous snack foods, and most major cities had coach stations where you
could rent a horse-drawn carriage and ride in comfort and style.
If you're stinking rich, that is. If you weren't, or if you were
unlucky enough to be caught up trying to get a passport all day, the best
you could do would be a shady 'midnight rental' coach station. Good for
those in flight from prosecution or men trying to escape angry husbands, it
promised fast escapes. What it didn't provide was quality escapes.
The coach Lina, Gourry and Naga had rented was not exactly top of the
line. It seated three uncomfortably, and offered 'arrow resistant' armor,
which Lina managed to poke through with her pinky finger. The driver's
seat on top had no sort of safety harness, which was bad, because the two
mares who drew the carriage were foaming at the mouth and trying to break
out of their restraining gear.
"No driver?" Lina gagged. "We have to drive and maintain this blasted
thing on our own? I thought we could kick back and relax on this trip!"
"We could wait until tomorrow, although with the money we've got..."
Gourry said, absently counting the coins in their purse and getting the
wrong amount.
"I certainly am not driving," Naga said. "It wouldn't be fitting. I
will ride inside while one of you two drives."
"Forget that! I don't know how to steer one of these things!" Lina
protested.
Both girls looked to Gourry, who was still struggling with basic
economics.
"Ano?" he asked. "Oh... uh.. I can drive, I guess. Can't be too hard,
right?"
Lina looked at the sky, and waited for a dramatic ominous thunderclap
of forewarning.
There wasn't one.
"Good," she said, approvingly. The sorceresses piled into the back,
and Gourry unrestrained the horses. He climbed onto the top of the
carriage, got his balance, and snapped the reigns.
The coach shot off at the speed of a pair of rabid horses, quickly
exiting the city through a thankfully open gate, leaving a pair of smoking
wheel tracks in its wake.
Then the thunder sounded.
TO BE CONTINUED