"Free mage" <freemage@hotmail.com> wrote:

introduced.  In the notes to the Prologue, I mistakenly said that
Tsubasa was also absent--this was an error (after all, I said it
takes place after the boys learn their ki-blasts--D'oh!!).  I may
write an Omake to account for the Chameleon's absence from this
fic...

Tsubasa was rarely seen in the original, so it's no big deal.

   After a few uncomfortable moments, a couple of awkward
comments and a quick fight, Akane stormed out to go see if
she could impose on Ukyou.  As she left she thought she
heard the jerk calling P-Chan, but then realized that
that made no sense whatsoever, so she ignored it.

Strange that she picked Ukyo, rather than Yuka or Sayuri.

  As he slipped into unconciousness, he managed to utter,
for the first and last time, "I love you, Nabiki..."

O.o

Unfortunately, we're never going to be able to hear his side of the
explanation for this....


Well, I like it so far. The writing style is good, particularly in the
Kodachi scenes; it gives the right suspenseful mood without overdoing
it.

I don't know what the Akane scenes are leading us up to. Some of them
seemed a little summary-ish; you might want to either show us the scene
rather than just telling us what happened, or to write it as a sort of
memory flashback where Akane is reflecting on what happened to her that
evening.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics