Subject: [FFML] [BSSM][HHG] An Eating Guide to Silver Millennium Part 2
From: Richard Beaubien
Date: 2/4/1998, 5:07 PM
To: Fanfic Mailing List
Reply-to:
ffml@fanfic.com

Another proud piece of Spam brought to you buy Richard Beaubien....

(And you don't have to pay in 3 monthly installments of $19.95 either...)

Again, this is not spell checked, grammar checked or Insanity checked.
However a full eye exam was performed before the writing of this fic so
you can rest assured I have perfect vision...

*****

The air stunk of cigar and cigarette smoke and ethanol fumes. The walls
where a pale yellow colour from the tobacco and was sparsely decorated
with random sports and beer pictures. And in the corner was a pool table
which was at the moment being used for a wrestling ring instead of for
pool. 

This was most definitely a bar. 

Not a high class bar mind you, but surroundings never really mattered when
one wanted to get drunk. All that mattered was the alcohol; Taste, smell,
and even a clean glass where all secondary. 

Not that Ford Prefect wanted to drink from a brown glass which was last
cleaned  when the establishment first opened up. But the overwhelming urge
to get drunk over ruled his sensibilities about sanitary safety and he kept
slamming the drinks down one after one, Beer after Beer, Sake after Sake,
and Skullong Skuzim after Skullong Skuzim. 

Besides he really didn't choose to drink at this bar, he just woke up
here. Woke up here without any memories of who he was and what he did
beyond 3 little clues, his name, a picture of a planet called earth, and a
little black computer like object which had Don't Panic written on it in
Big reassuring letters. It helped calm Ford down, before he began feeling
the sudden sense of Deja Vu that began to overpower him.

He felt he had done this before, somewhere and in some other time. But
Ford Prefect could swear that sometime in the past he woke up in a
completely different bar experiencing the exact same situation he was in
right now. 

This caused Ford to panic no matter what the big letters on the guide
said. Waking up in the middle of the bar with no memory was not a common
pastime for most people, Ford thought though he couldn't be sure with no
memory to rely on. After all some people are just wonky enough to try
anything for a good time. 

And Ford wondered if that could be him. 

Thus Ford began to drink, drink a lot really. In fact he drank enough to
knock out the average Mysuptlim Bunger Beast, which is a huge quantity of
alcohol in it's own right (Considering the Bunger Beast can handle the
human equivalent of about 5 Kegs before it begins to get a bit woozy.
Scientist have theorized that this is because of the high alcohol content
of the lake's they drink from while others have reasoned that this is the 
highest form of evolution for the average college frat boy). But Ford was 
still awake (though horribly drunk) and was alert. 

At last he could look at the solution to his problem clearly. After all
his problem was waking up in the middle of a strange bar with no memory.
Which must of meant that he really threw down the hard liquor at another
bar in the past. It was a perfectly reasonable answer to his problem...

Except for the fact that his drinks where all paid for, and the fact that
the picture of the planet Earth bothered him a lot. Actually a lot of things
bothered him, but they where all quicksilver thoughts. Hard to catch and
to hold on to. Only one idea came to him easily, and he finally gave into
it after finishing off a Rum and Coke. 

Slowly, and quite wobbly, Ford typed in the planet Earth into the
Computer like object. After a few seconds one sentence popped up on the
screen. It read

'Mostly Harmless....?'

That struck Ford as wrong, dreadfully wrong. It just didn't add up to
something kosher. So Ford sat down to another drink and began to slowly
ponder the weight of the statement that stood before him. 

It was then that the doors of the bar where blown open. "No, not them!!!"
The bartender cried as he ducked for cover. Other patrons did the same,
all running to hide from the invaders and their rather large gun's.

Of course Ford Prefect was still deep in thought as he downed another
drink.

"Run you fool!!It's the Pglath Militia front!!" The Bartender screamed as
from his hiding place, not wanting to clean up the remains of a foolish
customer. "The Pglath are the most ruthless killers in the galaxy!!!"

"Huh," Ford said as he turned around, slowly looking at the bar room
invaders. "Those aren't Pglath. Those are...Those are." Ford froze, at
last he knew why he lost his memory, who the would be attackers where, and
what the Planet earth and the little black computer where all about. He
knew everything, and everything he needed to know to stop the Insanity.

It was then that the rather large reptilian creature leveled his
Kill-O-Matic gun at Ford, and squeezed the trigger. A bright blast of
light impacted into Ford, throwing him off the stool and into the wall
behind him. And as blackness slowly surrounded him, Ford could faintly hear
one of his killers say, "What a shame, and I was hoping he would be able
to listen to my poetry."

Ford shivered at that as a beautiful white light surrounded him.

****

Richard Beaubien Presents

A Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon/Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy Crossover

An Eating Guide to the Silver Millennium Part 2: Depression Fried Chicken
with a side of Suicidal Cole Slaw

****

First let's settle a couple of thing's okay?

Good...

First off the author swears that at no point in this fic will the Generals
from the Dark Kingdom come back to life. And that most definitely includes
Jadeite, despite the pressure his agent is giving to the author.

Secondly the author swears that at no point in time will he use the Senshi
of Earth and the Sun in this fic. No Sailor Earth, Terra, or Ground will
be used along with Sailor Sun, Sailor Sol, or Sailor Burning Yellow thing
in the sky. 

The author assures you ahead of time that these devices will not be used
during the fic. And it's a 100 percent, iron clad, trust worthy promise
from the author. And you can trust him...

However the author doesn't promise that he won't be introducing any
new Senshi named after a particular element or mineral or obscure body of
matter. The author also doesn't promise that he won't be adding any
new male side kicks to recite poetry before the heroines fight. 

In fact the author plans to introduce a new Senshi right now, and it's a
rather special one at that. 

For she is the only guardian of the planet Mquishikana Cephiro, and she
defends it with honor and courage.

She is the Beautiful Soldier Sailor Appapa Mokona Neko Mquishikana

Though she's better known as Sailor Puu by her friends and coworkers. She
is called that for one simple reason. 

She can only say one word, over and over again. 

"Puu!!!" Sailor Puu cried as she looked up into the skies, desperately
trying to point an incoming danger to her 3 traveling companions. 

"Sailor Puu, what is it?" The red haired girl asked, looking towards the
sky.

"Puu," the young sailor said in a soft tone. 

"I get it!!" The blue haired young lady exclaimed, whacking her head.
"Sailor Puu wants us to look at that shooting star!!!"

"PUU!!!" the Senshi yelled in frustration as the three young girls yelled
wai and sugoi in a cute fashion. Sighing, the young Senshi turned to look
into the sky as the shooting star got closer to the planet. Too close in
fact. 

And as the meteor crashed down Sailor Puu couldn't be blamed if she
thought that this was all too over used plot for a disaster movie. The
planet's defenders acting oblivious to the danger that threatens their
plant until it's too late. 

But Sailor Puu didn't think that, she instead thought of only one thing. 

"Puu..."

****

"Meteor Cannon Check sir" 

"Thrusters Check!!!"

"Juke box Check!!!

"X-rated films loaded and ready to play!!!"

"Thank you all!!" the captain of the Kargon war ship beamed as he finished
the final preparations of his battleship. It had been so long since he
last went to war that he wanted to  savor every minute of the conflict. 
The senseless destruction, the cries for help, and the most important thing 
of all....

Standing around in a multi billion dollar piece of high technology in a
Snazzy white uniform. 

It was all just too froody for the captain thought as he read the destruction
report of the planet just destroyed. That certainly made for a good
traveling aid, though he did want to go the extra mile to taunt the
populace with his power and great hair cut. 

But that would have to wait, they had another system to over run. One that
had withstood an earlier Kargon invasion. One that would be the perfect
place to make his debut to the universe. 

"Full speed ahead!!! And make sure the theme music is loaded!!!"

"Yes sir!!!"

"Soon," the captain mused, "Soon I'll be the most famous captain in the
world."

*****

The Pan Galactic Encyclopedia describes Time Guardians as people that
ensure that safety of the time stream for the universe. It goes on to say
that the job they do is important and that we must be thankful for the
job they do for us. 

The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy also has a section on Time Guardians,
though it is vastly different from the one in the Encyclopedia. It states
first of that if you ever meet a time guardian that under no circumstance
should you ever make a deal with her and that it would be best all around
to run away from them. It describes them as manipulative, cruel, and that
they would have no problem using and abusing your life for their master
plan. Be it world peace or a roasted turkey on a Sunday afternoon.

It also states to never watch a movie with a Time Guardian for fear of
having the ending spoiled, though it does say that taking a time guardian
to the track can be a most profitable experience if you play your cards
right. 

It's no wonder then that Guide out sells the Encyclopedia 10:1 in most
places in the known universe. 

****

Osaka Naru would of probably wished she had a guide before she made her
deal with Setsuna. Though since she didn't know it existed before hand
chances are she wouldn't have made that wish. Still any warning that could
of been made to stop her from making a deal with the guardian of time
would of been most welcome. It would of stopped her from making the worst
mistake of her life. 

The one where she except Senshi powers, thinking she could fight back and
save the one she loved. But instead she had to sit back and watch it
happen as Usagi could do nothing to save her. Or so she thought, it
wouldn't of surprised her if her 'Sensei' had slowed Usagi down on purpose.
Just so Nephrite could die, just so she could have her precious temp.

The Younger Sailor Pluto deepened her scowl, she knew that even Setsuna
wouldn't do something like that. But she liked to think of it that way,
especially since it was easier to hate a person if you made them out to be
a complete monster. 

Yes, Setsuna was a monster. An evil monster with an evil plan...

"Moshi Moshi Minna-san!!! And Welcome to 'So your a Mahou no Shoujo
now'!!!" This was phase 2 of Setsuna's evil plan, an infomerical designed
to introduce new magical girls to the life style that they would soon
lead. Naru hated it from the get go, planning to vist the overly perky
host in the future and causing her pink hair to turn in a rather putrid
purple colour.

"It's not that bad Naru-san!!!" Setsuna said as she finished packing her
things. "I mean it's only a 30 minute video, followed by the 20 minute
time guardian one and the 200 page book."

"But I don't want to watch this swill. And the host is annoying."

"I've seen worse Naru-san. People that make evil itself cringe," Setsuna
shivered as she walked into the room wearing a nice sun dress with a red
straw hat on top. And to top off the completely odd look for Setsuna was
the hint of red lipstick that surrounded her smiling mouth. "What do you
think?"

"I hate it!!!"

"Your being negative again!!!" Setsuna lectured as she headed towards the
door, "Remember it's only for a couple of months and the job isn't that
bad. I'm sure you'll enjoy it!!!"

"I'd rather have my teeth pulled out with no anesthetic" Naru replied as
the host made the audience jump down and up yelling 'Go, Go, jump!!!'.
"There should be a law against overly cute and hyper active people!!!"

"Well I suppose I could always make a new tape, but it's a little too
late for you," Setsuna giggled as she dodged the pillow thrown at her.
"Okay, I get it. Anyway you have the run of the place until I get back.
Here's a credit card in case you need to get anything. And try to keep
time in check little sister."

"Sister, ha!!" Naru scoffed as she walked over to the kitchen table
picking up the credit card. "I wonder what kind of limit she has..."

A devious thought entered her mind, a way to repay her 'sister' back for
her kindness. And as she saw the taxi speed away from the house Naru
smiled for the first time since she became the Senshi of time. 

"Hello, Kazuya Electronics. I'd like a big screen TV delivered please.
Yes, can you charge it to a credit card please. Oh, and make it top of
the line."

*****

Tokyo Tower...

The great Tokyo Tower, the one place where all school children are
required by law to visit. Tokyo Tower, a structure which can never be
completely destroyed in any anime or rubber monster movie. And Tokyo Tower,
an overused plot device for any story. 

For this one, it serves as a communications tower for a long distance
intergalactic message. A message from Ford Perfect, a message that screams
"Come and Pick me up before the planet dies dang it!!!" and broadcasts
the coordinates of earth's exact location. And the exact location of Tokyo
Tower making it easy for Ford to be picked up by any alien ship in the
vicinity.

It also meant that the invaders had a nice homing beacon to the planet
Earth to follow, and that they could start the invasion earlier than
planned. 

But Ford didn't think of that, instead he worried about what to write in
his latest food review. The dish this time, Rice Balls with a can of
coke and a pork bun. It all look sorta of delicious, except for one small
thing...

The rice balls were way to white for Ford's tastes.

And thus tossing away the dish before he even tried it, Ford went to pick
up yet another happy meal for him to eat. Perhaps maybe 2, one to give to
his savior when the pick him up. 

After all one rarely gets treated to a good meal when on the road.

****

"Tadaimia!!!" Tomoe Hotaru greeted as she entered her home. "Setsuna-mama,
Are you home?" The Sensei of Saturn had a feeling of dread pass over her
as she walked into the living room. Something was up and she knew it, and
it was...it was..

A 32 inch High Definition TV with digital surround sound. "Sugoi!!!"
Hotaru exclaimed as she gazed at the TV, dreaming of what she could watch
on it. News, Documentary's, Educational shows, and that anime with the
hunky leading man. "Yuu-sama..." Hotaru whispered as she drifted off into
a fantasy land. 

"Ohayoo Hotaru-chan, how's your day," Naru greeted from behind the Stereo
system. "Mou, the instructions make it look so easy to set up."

"Naru-san??? Why are you here?"

"Oh, I'm the temporary Sailor Pluto while Setsuna is out on vacation."

"Temporary Senshi?" Hotaru asked, her curiosity getting the better of her.
She wondered when the Senshi could ever make temp replacements, let alone
the guardian of time. After all you can't really pick those out of a
newspaper. "But how? Why?"

"I don't know why all I know is I can turn into Pluto just by yelling
'Pluto Planet Power Make Up'".

One transformation scene later (one which we would of shown if the VCR
wasn't broken. We have punished the person responsible and we do note that
no such errors will happen in the future. We promise) Naru stood in front of 
Hotaru dressed as Sailor Pluto, Time staff and all.

"Wow, I guess you are Sailor Pluto then," Hotaru said in awe, half
wondering if she could find her own temp.

"I think it only works for Pluto, since she does haven't a protege in the
future to work with." Naru replied turning back into her normal form and
starting back to work on her stereo. "Geez, I swear they make these
instructions impossible to follow!!!"

"How, how did you read my..."

"Your thoughts, I dunno I just guessed. Maybe it's the time thing taking
over."

"Weird...Man you might just be a time guardian after all!!" Hotaru laughed
before she caught the sharp look that Naru sent her way. "Ah...Of course,
where did you get the TV from though Naru-neesan?" Hotaru asked in a
brilliant topic change (which the Russian judge gave a 6.5 for).

"I used Setsuna's credit card to buy it. She left it here for me to use."
Naru beamed imagining all the stuff she would buy. The new PC, the new
clothes, the new Italian Sports car. 

"Wow, she left that. She'd never let me use it."

"Well I'll let use it at least once. Name one thing and you can have it."

"Really?" Hotaru asked, wanting to make sure that this was real. 

"Really!" Naru nodded as she finally ripped up the instruction books.
She'd have to pay a visit to factory one of these day's to see how they
themselves put these things together.

"Well there is one thing..."

*****

A couple of points on Instruction books from the Guide. 

The Guide notes that Instruction book does everything but help you
assemble what the instructions is telling you to assemble. For example
instructions make wonderful coasters and bird cage lining, and make
wonderful kindling. But they do not, no matter what the reason is, make
assembling the product the instructions are fore easy. 

One theory for this is that their is a law against accurate instructions
in the galactic business sector. This theory states that the company
misleads people in order to charge ridiculous assembly costs or cause the
person to buy another product all together.

Another theory states that the people writing the instructions have an IQ
less than the average bed mattress (actually the Bed mattress's are quite
a bit smarter than the people that write instruction books). A more
popular version of this theory is that the entire business industry is
stupid in the first place and it's a plain miracle they get anything right
at all.

However other people believe that instruction books are part of a secret
message meant to warn the universe of an upcoming disaster. And they go
onto predict that this disaster will happen when screw A is placed into
slot B and tightened with nut D. 

It is still unknown as to which of these theories are really true...

****

It was an upper class restaurant, one of the best in the district. And
Hotaru had wanted to eat there for ages. To eat their pasta, to drink
their wine, and most of all to dress up in nice clothes. 

All of the things she couldn't get at the fast food places Michiru and
Haruka had managed to take her when they went out to eat. And while KFC
may have been good the first time, after awhile machine separated chicken
does begin to lose it's appeal.

Which is why she was glad Naru took her here, to a nice ritzy restaurant.
With good food, good service and most importantly of all good sake. 

"Ah...This is some good Sake!!" Naru exclaimed as she downed another
glass. "What do you think of it Hotaru-chan!!!"

"It's...It's unique," Hotaru added, noting that she didn't really take to
Sake that well. Still she did have a nice bottle of White Wine to drink,
and it did have a full body flavor to it. "I'll just drink my wine thank
you."

"Ah spoil sport," Naru cried as he face turned a beat red, making a
second important discovery of the day. The one where she found out that
she did not make a good drunk. "Ah...Sake-sama!!!"

"Whatever, let's just move to our table okay?" Hotaru asked as she started
to lead Naru over. After all she didn't want the staff to get suspicious
at 2 under age girls drinking up a storm. 

"Don't worry, I managed to convince them where both 26. That way the Sake
will be flowing all night." Naru hicuped, perhaps finding the first
advantage to being a time guardian. Beyond the Credit Card advantage that
is....

"Wow, this planet servers alcohol to under age school girls." A voice from
behind them asked, causing Naru to turn around in panic. No one should
be able to see through this disguise, least of all someone who is drunk. 

"I'm sorry you must be mistaken. Me and my friend here are 26."

"Nahh, I can tell your both under age. Don't ask me how but I can tell..."
the man replied as he downed yet another glass, his 30th of the evening
Naru noted. 

And something else bothered her about this guy, a feeling she had. That he
may be involved something big, something involving the time stream. 

"Who are you, and what do you want?" Naru asked, very much sound like a
time guardian. Even Hotaru was amazed at just how much Naru sounded like
Setsuna. She was also very sober suddenly..

But those thoughts where stopped by a loud explosion at the front door. As
the smoke cleared two rather large reptile figures stood in the door with
rather big gun's. Naru and Hotaru both nodded to each other as they
grabbed for their transformation wands. 

They knew what it was they where facing and how to do deal with it. It was
after all your everyday...

"Vogon's...Not them again!!" The man exclaimed as the two beings leveled
their gun's at him. "Not bloody again!!!" He yelled as he saw them pull
the trigger on the Kill-O-Matic gun's, ready to send a white hot
projectile death his way.

It was a wonderful time for a cliff hanger actually...
 
To Be Continued....

Ja ne!!

Richard Beaubien
----------------
Matsunaga Mikage "Chemistry Forever!!!"

Fanfic homepage http://www.anime.usacomputers.net/~beaubird