Subject: Re: [FFML] [EVA][R1/2][AMS] A Better Future part 5
From: Chan Wei Lik
Date: 1/17/1998, 11:04 AM
To: "'FFML'" <fanfic@fanfic.com>
Reply-to:
"weimin@pl.jaring.my"

Most important thing first.
Why would she attack Asuka because there was a temporal disturbance on her? 
Would killing her neutralize it? The PERSON is not the disturbance, Skuld 
should know this.
Bottom line, the fight shouldn't occur.

Second, Skuld is no mere mortal. Draining her aura could have serious 
consequences for Miss Hinako.

	Getting out of bed Asuka got ready for school....

This paragraph is tedious. you don't need to spell out all of Asuka's plans 
for us right now.

Asuka had finally come up with a plan to stop second impact.
She would take out SEELE or whoever was backing the expedition.

Merely taking out the backers would only delay the Impact. SEELE would have 
2 or 3 layers between them and the expedition members. They'd just fund 
another one.
Pity ferreting out SEELE is likely to be beyond even Nabiki's abilities. 
Still, it's a start.

"Hey you okay Skuld?"

This should have been placed on its own line.

	After she finished getting ready Skuld went into dining area to
wait tables. *I wonder what else could go wrong.*

I kinda guess there would be an encounter with miss H after this.
And why aren't her sisters searching for her after she failed to show up 
for dinner?

The girl had short black hair and a mole under her left eye.

Wasn't Ritsuko the one with the blonde hair?

"Hi Ritsuko want another brake on your loan?"
"break" not "brake". It's amazing how people keep confusing these two.

	Skuld made her way to the desk next to Ukyo. As she walked,
she could feel the eyes of the girl watching her.

Isn't Ukyo in the same class as Ranma?

Ms Hinako had strange powers and in Asuka's book that often equaled Angle.

How many degrees would Miss H be?

Asuka had seen Ms Hinako approaching after the bomb went off and
made a hasty retreat.

This bit of information should have been placed a few paragraphs earlier in 
the fic.

Who in Ranma 1/2 do you think would make the best team up with Asuka?

Team up for what?

Hope you can revise this, as well a part 4.