Mina-san, Ohayou!
In message <199801041033.CAA28582@m3.sprynet.com> Richard Lawson wrote:
: Comments of any kind, as always, appreciated. I'm especially interested
: in better titles. :)
Again? It doesn't *have* to be Shakespeare, you know? (although I
was impressed with the one you found for the _Bitter End_
crossover).
:
: The Thought That Counts
:
: by Richard Lawson
:
: No one was
: paying any attention to hear.
"To her"
So what is it they have forgotten? Everyone seems to live at
home, still, so it probably isn't the 25th anniversary of her
wedding to Ranma. :)
: She began to grip her teacup tightly. Idiots, all of them.
Surprised? Must run in the family, then.
: The hot tea burned her throat, improving her humor not at all.
Hmm, "improving her humor not at all" is correct, but somehow it
sounds awkward to me. Would "not improving her humor at all"
work? I dunno.
: Ranma, one hand on his father's gi and the other holding something between
: his chopsticks, paused and looked up. "Hey! How come she gets to choose?
: I never get to!"
Because nobody can remember when your birthday actually *is*. :)
Be thankful for that, though - you haven't aged any, during the 9
years you lived at the Tendou's, because of that.
: "Yes," Akane said softly. She looked over at him. "I get to choose. Is
: there anything in particular you'd like to eat?"
:
: Ranma was looking over at Genma, an annoyed look on his face. He spoke in
: a distracted tone of voice. "I don't care, as long as you don't cook it
: yourself."
*Nice* going, boy. You'll get her to strangle you, yet.
: "Uh, I should get her a present
: I guess."
:
: "That would be nice." Kasumi was picking up the pieces of the teacup.
: "She is your fianc�e after all."
*Nice* going, girl. You'll get that silly notion out of his head,
yet. <sigh>
: She got angry all the time, and acted so unfeminine, and couldn't
: cook worth a damn.
On the contrary. Many a curse and oath was uttered due to her
cooking.
: She was so uncute, too. Most of
: the time. Sometimes.
:)
: But... well, maybe something nice
: would make her be not so mad at him.
Again, "make her be not so mad" sounds slightly awkward. Doesn't
roll of my tongue - but then, English generally doesn't. :)
: He suddenly narrowed his own eyes. "Uh, what's it gonna cost me?"
:
: Her smile widened. "Not one yen. I'll cover it."
:
: "Really?"
Of course. You'll notice that she didn't say it *wouldn't* cost
you - just not a yen (nor, I assume any yen at all).
: "Would I lie to you?"
:
: Ranma snorted. "Without skipping a beat."
Oooh, he must've been hit by a perceptiveness particle.
: Ranma tsked silently; she'd been like this all day at school, irritable
: and downright morose. Ranma had tried a couple of times to shake her out
: of it by pointing out who stupid she was being.
"You're as stupid as Ryouga. No, like Kunou. No, like - dare I
say it - anyone who believes a word Rush Limbaugh says."
On the other hand, you might have meant "*how* stupid". :)
BTW, how do you "tsk" silently, and would Ranma do that at all?
He doesn't seem the type for "tsk"ing.
: It hadn't worked this
: time. Come to think, it hadn't ever worked before, either. One day it
: would, though. He was certain of that. Somewhat certain. He had trouble
: thinking of a better way. Other than doing something really icky, like
: talking all mushy.
:D :D :D :D
Wonderful!
: Dammit, why should he feel all bad because she was being
: all moody? It certainly wasn't his fault.
:
: Almost certainly.
:D
The two "all"s in the first sentence are a bit redundant.
: Nabiki opened the door to her room and walked in. Ranma peered around as
: he entered, trying to see what the present was in the dim room. Nabiki
: closed the door and flipped on the light.
:
: Ranma tried to scream in a mouth gone dry.
I don't know if that last description works as you intended it.
The only thing it got from me was puzzlement.
: Akane stared into the box. A blouse, how nice. That was three of them
: she had gotten now, along with a set of new lace underwear from an
: anonymous giver. She was fairly certain she'd have them long enough to
: wear once before Mr. Anonymous decided to reclaim them.
:D
: She looked around at everyone and forced a smile. "Thanks everyone.
: They're all lovely."
Oh God, oh God, oh God. It's the birthday from hell. Next thing
they'll sit around, drinking tea in silence, while smiling
desperately and saying "Isn't this *nice*" every now and then.
: Multiple footsteps came up behind her. Nabiki and Ranma, she was certain.
: Time to smile vacantly over their present. She looked over her shoulder.
: "Put it on the table, I'll be right-"
:
: She broke off. Ranma was on his haunches, batting at a pinwheel Nabiki
: was waving. Akane turned halfway around, still sitting on the porch.
: Nabiki was smiling somewhat wickedly as Ranma stared at the pinwheel in
: fascination.
Ah, the reason for the, um, dried up scream. You know, I had all
*kinds* of ideas what Nabiki might do in a darkened room that
would lead Ranma to scream if he witnessed them - but this was not
really at the top of the list.
: "No questions, I said." Nabiki spoke slowly and firmly. "Call him."
:
: Akane looked uncertainly at the hunched-over figure. "Ran- Ranma?"
:
: "Not like that, stupid." Nabiki tossed the pinwheel next to Akane. Ranma
: leapt after it, batting it with his hand.
:
: Akane swallowed. "Here, kitty kitty kitty."
:
: Ranma looked up at her. He smiled, meowed, and jumped onto her lap. He
: rubbed his nose against her cheek before settling down on his haunches,
: still smiling.
Awww, I *see* now. What a nice birthday present for Akane. And
how thoughtful of Nabiki to combine it with a punishment for his
rudeness in the morning. And she kept her promise to Ranma, too!
: Akane turned her head slightly so that she was speaking into Ranma's hair.
: "Thank you, Ranma. I know you didn't do this voluntarily, but I know
: that... that when you're like this you're... I mean, emotions and stuff...
: you don't hide what- what you..." She closed her eyes. "Anyway, thank
: you."
You know, this could have come out easier if there was a way to
get *her* over her inhibitions, too. :)
And thus the title. Nice choice.
: I don't know if this fic has been done before. It sure *seems* like an
: idea someone should have thought of already, but I haven't seen it. Let
: me know if this is something that somebody else has already written.
Nope, not that I know of. And I have to admit that I'm a bit
surprised, seeing it come from you. Usually your fics are deeply
grounded in realism (as is this one, for the most part), but when
you look at the cat phobia realistically, then Nabiki has done
something unproportionally cruel to Ranma here, by triggering his
psychosis and taking advantage of him. Only when seen in the
context of the usual Ranmaverse, where the Cat Fist is just
something funny that happens to Ranma, this can be viewed as the
mischievous but benevolent trick as which you obviously intended to
portray it.
I know how it's meant, and I think it's cute, but you should be
aware that the usual realism in your prose and character
interaction may be working against you in this setting.
Sebastian