On 12/12/97 12:23 PM, CALF Productions at 
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net wrote:

[Yes, I know this is over a week past posting time; gomen. What can I 
say... the last couple of weeks have been crazier than usual. Within one 
week: My father's house burned down, the place where I work laid off one 
of its 8 people, my boss's car got stolen, my sister got married, and I 
slipped on a patch of ice outside of the reception and tore open the knee 
of the tuxedo pants (not to mention my own knee). Oh, well... In the 
meantime, I've been trying to finish up part 3 of Ranma Pride, with 
assorted distractions and lots of jumping around. Um, is anyone reading 
it besides Chris Davies? No one else is commenting. <Sigh>]

	It was a small theater, the likes of which people had seen a
thousand times before.  Of course, not many theaters were devoted to
one purpose and one purpose only: that form of fiction reviewing
known as Mystery Science Theater-ing.  

I think the folks at mine have just about given up on booking anything 
else in there. Even Siskel & Ebert couldn't stand the warehouse-variety 
popcorn stench now. Lyra's used to it by this point; Windir's taken to 
wearing noseplugs. ;>

	Their further argument was interrupted by a throat being cleared.
"Uh...girls?"  They turned to see Chris sitting in the row behind
them.  "I appreciate the sentiment, but the owner said if we trash
this place again _I_ have to pay for it."  The two sat down and

Lyra: They tried that with us.

Frito: <Smug look> *Once*. Heh heh heh...

	"What fic is that?" Urd asked suspiciously.  

	Skuld's answer was forestalled by the dimming of the lights and a
high-pitched whine as the SuperMST system powered up.  The opening
credits for the fiction began to scroll through the air, and Chris
shot to his feet with a cry of horror.

	"Undocumented Features?!  Skuld, are you _insane_?"

	"What's wrong with it?" she asked with a pout.

	Chris began frantically waving his hands in the air.  "It's
monstrous!  It's _huge_!"

I've actually thought seriously about doing UF a couple of times. It's so 
important in the history of fanficing, I think it would be very salutary 
to compare it with current fics. :) Only one or two of the core UF 
stories, of course; I'm not *completely* insane. ^_^

	"It's not that bad," Skuld protested.

	"It takes a frigging week to even _read_ the damn thing!"

	Urd looked up at the scrolling credits with a bit of awe.  "That's
one big fic."  She paused as the words floating through the air began
to  warp and twist, and a breeze sprang up.  "Hey Skuld, you didn't
hook this thing up, did you?" 

Lyra: Uh-oh.

Frito: What-oh?

	From her hold on her seat, Urd groaned in dismay.  "I just now I'm
going to regret this," she complained, and as she let go of her
chair, the mysterious force pulled her into the air.  "Wait for
me!!!!"

Lyra: Nice take on Urd's character.

Windir: Indeed. I find it must salutary when authors recognize that Urd 
is, indeed, more than a simple... 'vamp' <distasteful look>, I believe 
the term is, for those so uncouth as to lapse into the vernacular. One 
should note, however, that the word is 'know', not 'now'. 

Frito: Come off it, Windy! Sheesh, even an idjit can tell it was 
supposed'ta be dat!

Windir: <Examining Frito> Really.

	*******

	"Lurker-kun? What are you doing?"

	Shidou Hikaru stared nervously at the open panel in the ceiling of
the newly rebuilt Lurkerdrome. Fiber-optic cabling hung from the
ceiling cavity, swaying as the figure half-hidden in the hole worked.
A muffled curse drifted down as something emitted sparks and a wisp
of smoke. "Dammit! Serves me right for using cheap parts..." The
person in the hole dropped down, landing on the floor. His lavender
hair was mattered with soot and sweat, as were his face, hands, and
clothing. He replaced a spanner in his toolbelt. "Looks like I'll
need a new control chip for the emitter array," said The Eternal Lost
Lurker. 

	"What emitter array? What have you been doing up there?" Hikaru
asked.

	"I'm installing a new holoprojection review system," Lurker said.
"It's got ten times the power our old system has, plus the ability to
project fanfics holographically, instead of on the usual screens."

Lyra: Hmmm.

	"Anou...the old system works just fine. What gives?" 

	Lurker grinned maniacally. "Hikaru, we're about to do the review
that will make us legends."

Lyra: Um... Hikaru? Run. Now. Whenever someone starts talking about doing 
something to 'make us legends,' it's time to head for the hills. Warp 9. 
Or faster.

Frito: I didn't see ya runnin' when da boss started writin' dat story 
starrin' us!

Windir: Indeed not, as that story was hardly intended to 'make us 
legends.' We already *were* legends.

Lyra: <Disgusted look> Frito, do you want to do the honors, or should 
I... never mind. <Takes in Frito's smug leer> WINDIR AND FRITO NO BAKA! 
BOOT TO THE HEAD! <THUD> <THUD>

Windir staggers as he pulls himself to his feet; the chandelier chimed as 
Frito struggled to find a handhold, then swayed dangerously as he fell, 
demolishing half a row of seats. 

	Hikaru sweated nervously. "You're scaring me, Lurker-kun..."

Lyra: No kidding.

	Lurker turned to a box of supplies, and rummaged through, until he
turned up an innocent-looking processor casing. "This is it," he
declared joyously, before floating back up to the ceiling. After a
few moments, he descended again, closed up the hole, and removed a
50-yen piece from his pocket. "See this coin, Hikaru-chan? This will
determine the path of our destiny!" 

	Hikaru was considering running for dear life at this point. Lurker
was never _this_ insane, even when he used...she blushed and cut that

Windir: Indeed? While he does in fact seem to be slightly manic, this is 
not particularly unusual in fanfic authors, let alone fanfiction in toto. 
The streak of egotism, while somewhat unpleasant --

Frito snickers.

Windir: *If* you don't mind... ahem. That streak is, in fact, not only 
characteristic of fanfic authors; it is in fact consistent with the 
recent trend in that character's appearences.

Lyra: So it's consistent. <Shrugs> What's more important is whether it's 
interesting or offputting. It's close to pushing the edge, I think.

	Lurker grinned. "And if it comes up tails, we're reviewing
Undocumented Features."

	"That's _still_ insane!"

Lyra: <Looking back up at the projection booth> See? I *told* you!

[Sheesh... I *said* it was only going to be one or two of the core 
stories.]

	"Crap. Ah well, it's still a nice, big project." Lurker sorted
through the archives, and loaded Undocumented Features into the
review system.

	The credits began rolling, the holo-feed flickering slightly. "Gotta
fix the projection unit," Lurker muttered. 

	Suddenly, the holographic image began to flicker wildly, and
swirled, forming a portal. "What the--!?" 

Windir: I begin to see a trend.

Frito: Or a crappy plot device!

Lyra: OK, so it's... not the strongest way to pull this off. Let's give 
it another chapter or two and see if it ties into anything.

	"Wow!" a young girl in a classic sailor fuku exclaimed as she looked
around the new Flash Point theater. She had short, messy brown hair
that was held back by a long white headband. 

Lyra: <Sighing> First the Lurkerdrome, now the Flash Point...

Frito: <Evil grin> Say, d'ya suppose we could get da boss to --

Lyra: Don't even *think* about going there. <Stern look>

	In an emotionless monotone, the green scaled being at her side
spoke. "Impressive." He wore gold bikini briefs and a gold helmet,
with a small trident, which gave him his name, in place of his right
hand.

	"You like?" a man in a gold, silver and blue Sentai outfit asked as
he made some final adjustments to the holographic equipment.  He
looked like he had just stepped out of DaiRanger. "Some mysterious
person sent me all this cool stuff, and all we have to do to keep it
for good is review one fic."

Lyra: Ah, so the plot thickens...

Windir: <Rolling eyes, dry voice> _Stay Tuned_, anyone?

Lyra: <Boggling> You actually *watched* that?

Frito: I dragged him in ta see it once. It was before ya joined up with 
us.

Windir: Actually, there were indeed elements of worth, albeit ensconced 
in a pedestrian and formulaic plot; several of the 'TV shows' they landed 
in were delightfully satiric, and the animated sequence was particularly 
nice.

Lyra: <Innocent look> What surprises me is that none of the folks here 
looks like John Ritter.

Windir: <Raised eyebrow> This is a disadvantage?

Lyra: Not hardly.

	Andrew was pleasantly surprised to find Jinnai Nanami upon entering
his dorm suite. 

Frito: Who wouldn't be? <Leering> 

Lyra: Nabiki.

Frito: Oh. <Baps himself in the forehead, sending a small fountain of 
grease flying> Aw, *shucks*!

However, the semi-clunky object she was tinkering
around with was a little unsettling.

Lyra: <Deadpan look> She got it from Makoto.

	"Nanami-san? What're you doing?"

	"Setting this SuperMST system up," she replied, without looking up.

	"I said I was giving up on MSTing stuff...."

[Heh. Trust me. Once you start, it *never* lets go of you.]

Frito jumps up on stage and starts doing the softshoe.

[Unfortunately.]

	"Oh, come on! Just at _least_ try this out!" She put a few finishing
tweaks on the equipment and sat down on the futon, facing it. Andrew
joined her there. "We got it for free! The guys at FFTech R&D want us
to test the portable SuperMST model for them. They even sent us a fic
that'll...what's that?"

Windir: Ah, so a name to go with the McGuffin. Delightful. Now, if one 
could come up with a justification for the McGuffin...

	"Wha? Oh...." Andrew held up a spiky ball on a chain attached to a
wooden handle. "This is 'The Old Ball and Chain'. Gaspode dragged my
morningstar out from under the bed and tried to use it as a chew
toy.Must be a relapse of his unintelligent days.  I--"

	"A morningstar?" Nanami interrupted.

	"Um, yes."

	Slowly, she asked, "Why do you have one?"

	"Um. Well, I just thought it would be fun to have one."

Lyra: See? I told you. Definitely a Carrot-head.

Windir: Was it not Corporal Nobbs who attempted to use it?

Lyra: He only tried to swing it. Carrot was the one who actually used it 
right. <Grins>

	Silence.

	"I mean, it looks nice...."

	More silence.

	"Good weight distribution, easy to grip and all."

	Yet more silence.

Lyra: Um... I don't think you're getting anywhere you want to go with 
this.

Windir: One must admire the almost Vetinari-esque silences she employs.

	"Look, it's not like I ever use it on anything other than the
occasional soda can."

	A soft thump, followed by further silence.

	"Nanami-san, you can stop edging away from me, now. You've fallen
off the futon already. I'll put it down here, and not touch it, all
right?"

Frito and Lyra snicker.

Windir: Indeed an effective way to portray the action in this section. 

	"Nanami-san? Why does that DVD-ROM have 'UF, part 2/42' written on
it?  Oh, no. I _am_ a college student, you know. I do have work to
do, and I can't spare the next few months here...."

Lyra: Some 'stage business' in the middle of this speech would make it 
even better, I think. A pause, a thoughtful or inward look, something 
like that would help the "Oh, no" stand out more.

	"We'll just do some of it, all right? Just enough to get a feel for
the thing. Now come on and relax." She sidled up to him and patted
his leg. That, of course, destroyed any possible resistance from him.

Windir: <Dryly> Of course.

	"Ah...okay...." Andrew's consciousness had somewhat separated from
the rest of him. Not that he minded, of course. With a giggle, Nanami
hit the play button on the remote.

	*SWOOSH*

	Nanami's last thought before unconsciousness claimed her was, "Hey,
this reminds me of when I got sent to El Hazard...."

Frito: At least they ain't repeatin' all da borin' description bits all 
over again. 

	Andrew's brain just gurgled a bit before going out.

	The Old Ball and Chain thought, "Oh, bugger."

Lyra: I think the bowl of petunias ought to sue for plagerism.

	*******
CALF Productions presents...

----------------
Otaku Leap
----------------
By Andrew Huang, Christopher "God-Boy" Angel, 
Christian "Flashman" Rogers, and Robert "The Eternal Lost Lurker"
Morrison.

Windir: Hmmmmmmmm. <Thoughtful look> Well?

Lyra: Interesting, very funny in spots, kinda self-indulgent. I do want 
to see where this goes... this is really just a teaser, doesn't say much 
of anything about what the actual plot will be.

Well, it seems we didn't think of *everything*...in other words, the
notes that should have gone with the prologue. Anyway, here they are,
and sorry about this:

"Undocumented Features" belongs to the wonderful folks at Eyrie. 

And no, we're _NOT_ MSTing UF. Nobody is that insane. 

Windir: <Taking his own look up at the projection booth> Really.

Also, we're not leaping _into_ UF either. Sorry to say, we really,
really needed it as a plot device. Gomen nasai!!

Lyra: Definitely better off this way. Aside from the fact that the UF 
universe is (last I heard) officially closed by the creators and it's 
incredibly bad form to write in another authors' universe without 
permission, that universe is crowded enough already; Ghu knows what would 
happen if this got mixed up in it.



Travis Butler
(The Professor, formerly of Myth and Magick!, Lawrence, KS;
 tbutler@tfs.net, now from the Wandering Powerbook;
 <http://www.tfs.net/personal/tbutler/>;
 Mac page <http://www.tfs.net/business/tbutler/>)

...Wait a minute! Strike that. Reverse it. Thank you.