[The Lurkerdrome. It's empty, and disturbingly dark. The entrance
explodes, and Hikaru leaps into the theater, scrambling for cover.
She's wearing a blue uniform, with a black shoulderguard and harness,
and dark gloves. Her sword is clenched tightly in one hand. Her hair
is mussed, and sweat runs down her face.]

[For a moment, all is silent...whatever Hikaru was running from, thus
far has not chosen to pursue. Grimacing, Hikaru leaps from her hiding
position, springing across the seats to the entrance. She slashes at
the ceiling with her sword. With a spark and a hiss, a conduit
ruptures, spraying grimy fluid all over the floor. Hikaru leaps
carefully back to her hiding place, careful not to get any of the
stuff on her. She murmurs a quick fire spell, aiming at the spreading
puddle. With a *whoosh*, the fluid ignites, spreading a wall of
flames across the entrance.]

[After a moment, a silhouette appears in the flames. Hikaru pales, as
the figure emerges. It appears to be Lurker, but he's wearing a
black-purple cloak, and his lavender hair is waist-length, and far
shinier than normal. He holds a six-foot-long katana in an easy grip.
He slowly advances on Hikaru, who has backed up against the wall.]

[Lurker raises the sword. Hikaru lifts hers to parry, closing her
eyes...]

Voice: CUT!

[Lurker sheathes the sword, leaning on it, and the two turn to face
the source of the voice: Chichiri, who has a camera trained on them.

Chichiri: Good job, no da!

Hikaru: <wiping sweat from her brow> Thanks. 

Lurker: I knew that Absolute Terror materia I found would come in
handy...

Hikaru: <shakes head> Lurker-kun, you scare me. I think you like that
thing *too* much...

Lurker: <grins, and activates the fire suppresion system. Within
seconds, the blaze is extinguished.> We'll clean up after we review
the fic we just received...

Hikaru: <putting her sword away> A fic?

Lurker: <nods, as a strange shimmer in the air around him vanishes>
Hai. God-boy seems to have gotten another chapter of O!MB! out.

Hikaru: Cool. Let's have a look at it while we rest up. <removes her
harness and shoulderguard>

Lurker: <removes his wig and dark cloak, and lays the sword down
across a couple empty chairs in the second row> So, Chichiri, did the
cameras out in the corridor catch the action?

Chichiri: They sure did no da! <hands Lurker and Hikaru some cold
sodas>

Lurker: Great. 

Friday morning.  The battlecry of the under-rested student rang

through

the house.

"AAAAAAAAAGH!!!   I am SO LATE!"  

Hmm, I sounded like Usagi.

Hikaru: <blinks>

Lurker: <sweatdrop>

Urd made the effort to open her door and fling a minor force bolt

at me,

and then went back to sleep.  Belldandy and Keiichi had been awake

for

hours.  THEY never had this problem.  Why Belldandy doesn't wake me

up,

I'll never know.  You'd think after living in the same house as me

for

two thirds of a year they'd have figured out that Chris and alarms

don't

mix.

Lurker: Maybe they do it on purpose...more breakfast for them.

Hikaru: <giggle>

I scowled at Skuld's snickering face as I ran out the door.  

Freshman

get Friday mornings off at NIT.  Whoever came up with that little
scheduling setup needs to be flogged.
"ByeeverbodygottagoseeyouatlunchBYE!"

Yep.  I definitely had been watching too much Sailor Moon.

Lurker: Nah. No such thing.

I stepped out into the yard, and took a look around.  *Nice day,* I
thought.  *Low pollution today, the air is just on the good side of
crisp, and the sky is a lovely shade of green.*

<Lurker and Hikaru spit their sodas> GREEN!?

Keiichi spat out his tea.  "Green?"

Lurker: Actually, that's Earl Grey...

"We are not, I repeat, NOT going through this again!" I roared,
exasperated.  "The sky is green.  As in the color you get when you

mix

blue dye and yellow dye.  Green.  Between yellow and blue in the

rainbow.

 GREEN!"  I stopped my rant and stood there, panting.  "JEEZ!"

<Hikaru grabs another soda from the cooler Chichiri just wheeled in,
and blinks at it> 

Hikaru: Ne, Lurker-kun...what kind of soda is this? It doesn't have a
label...

Lurker: <takes the bottle of soda from Hikaru> It's...<blinks>
It's...well, it's...<hands it back to her> It's green.

Hikaru: Oh. <chugs>

"Bug," Urd said through a gulp of sake.  I couldn't resist the urge

to

shudder at the thought of drinking at this time of the morning. 
"Definitely a bug."

Lurker: But of course...

"IT'S IN ME?!"  Funny, I didn't feel sick.  I looked down at my

chest,

then tried to look at my back, giving myself a good kink in the

neck in

the process.  "OK, I give, what the hell does a 'bug exhaust port'

look

like?  I'd think I'd feel something like that if it's in me."  Then
another thought occurred to me. "How do you exhaust bugs anyway?"

<Lurker wordlessly points to a large cage in the corner of the
theater, where a furry, six-legged rabbit-like creature is running on
a hamster wheel>

In the middle of my chest there was a swirling red and black

vortex,

maybe two inches across.  I brought up my hand to touch it, but my
fingers met the fabric of my shirt rather than disappearing into

the

wormhole.  "Let me guess.  Bug exhaust port?"

Lurker: No, stupid, you have a hole in your heart.

Hikaru: <snicker>

"I feel so much better," I said sarcastically, and looked

entreatingly at

Skuld, who was frowning at the device she held in her hand.  It

looked

suspiciously like a tricorder, and I suddenly regretted getting her

into

Star Trek.  "If you're done making like Data, could you please make

it go

away?"

Both: <snicker>

Skuld shrugged, pulled out her hammer, and ran outside, screaming a
battle cry.  Quite a sight, an almost-teen goddess waving around an
overgrown croquet mallet and making like Thor.  As she ran around

the

yard, seemingly attacking nothing, her adversary faded into view. 

It was

only a faint grey shadow at first, but soon it resolved into a

grey-blue

fuzzball with eight legs, a round body, long ears, and buckteeth. 

It

kept on dodging moments before Skuld could hammer it.

<the bug in the hamster cage stops running the wheel, and watches in
horro>

Lurker: <eyes glowing purple> Who told you to stop running?

<the bug sweatdrops and quickly resumes its furious pace>

"What in Tyr's name is that?" I demanded.

Urd looked at me peevishly.  "Do you have any idea how ridiculous

it

sounds for you to be taking one of your peers' name in vain?"

Lurker, Hikaru: <snicker>

"Better them than the Boss," I answered with a shrug.  "What is

that

thing, anyway?  I mean, it's sickeningly cute, but last I checked

that's

not a terminal offense."  I paused and reconsidered that statement.

Lurker: One word: Chibi-Usa.

<the bug in the cage suddenly collapses, and ceases all movement>

I looked at the guy like he had gone insane, then looked at Urd for
confirmation.  "You have GOT to be kidding me!  A bug is a software
defect.  It's a portion of code that has unexpected behavior."

"Unless Microsoft writes it, then it's a feature," came Urd's

snappy

comeback.

Lurker: <snicker>

Hikaru: <giggle>

Belldandy looked sheepish and said, "Well, it was a lot better than

the

goblins they had them look like before."  I arched an eyebrow at

her, and

she elaborated.  "There's no reason it needed to look like a

monster. 

There's these little creatures on Altair IV that died out a few

thousand

years ago - I borrowed their form."

Lurker: What, so you can kill a whole lot more of them?

*SPLAT*  I turned my attention to Skuld, and saw she had finally

gotten

the bug.  With a puff of smoke, it disappeared, and the sky turned

blue

again.  "Neat," I remarked. "I wish I could do that in my computer
classes.  Would have made debugging a lot easier."  I looked down

at the

vortex in my chest.  "Umm...so how do we get rid of this thing?"  I
suddenly felt queasy. "Or could you at least make it so I don't

have to

LOOK at it?"

Lurker: <nods> Having a gaping hole in your chest is never pretty...

"Excuse me," I snidely returned.  "So how do we make this 'bug

exhaust

port' go away?"

"Well," Skuld said as she walked up, a jaunty grin on her face,

"first we

have to find out what's causing it."

I had this incredible sinking feeling...

Lurker: That's because you're standing in quicksand. <points to a bug
chittering at Chris' feet, where the floor has turned to bog>

"Excuse me?  THREE wishes?"

Lurker: <Genie voice> That's right! THREE wishes. <slot machine> Uno,
dos, tres. <Groucho impression> No substitutions, exchanges, or
refunds.

Hikaru: <piku>

"That's what it says," Skuld confirmed.  "The port is caused by
conflicting requirements brought about by three separate wishes. 

Two are

trying to make you stay here, and one is trying to draw you back to
Canada."  She peered at the data her tricorder (It looked like a
tricorder, it sounded like a tricorder, she even HELD it like a

tricorder

- it's a tricorder) displayed and frowned.  "Some place called
Saskatoon."

"Home," I muttered.

Lurker: There's no place like home...

*click*

Hikaru: <blinks, grows a sweatdrop> Anou...Lurker-kun...

Lurker: Yes?

Hikaru: ...nevermind. [Thinks: Amethyst slippers!?]

"So," Urd said as she moved off to her room, "we better get

packing."  At

my confused look, she sighed with exasperation.  "We have to figure

out

what the wish is that's drawing you back there, and we have to do

it

quickly."

"Aww, come on," I whined in my best whine.  "My date with Rachel's
tonight!"

Lurker: <chuckle> He's got his priorities straight...

Urd gave me a sympathetic look.  "You better call it off,

'Niichan."  Her

eyes flickered to Belldandy, and I picked up her message.  If a

second

bug showed up, it could cause some real trouble, and someone might

get

hurt.  Like Rachel.

I'll give Old Norse this much, it has some truly impressive swears.

Lurker: <makes a note to learn Old Norse>

Hikaru: <reading Lurker's notepad> Lurker-kun...how are you planning
to do *that*?

Lurker: <shrug> Hey, if it's got good swear words, I'll *find* a way
to learn it.

Hikaru: <sweatdrop> Anou ne...

Lurker: <whines> Come on, Hikaru-chan! I can only swear in 5
languages! I need more!

Hikaru: <facefault>

"Oniichan," Belldandy said disapprovingly.  "Please, watch your
language."

Hikaru: <giggle>

I was too busy wallowing in misery to really listen.  "I'm doomed. 
That's it.  That's the only explanation.  Somewhere in Yggdrasil

there's

a process who's entire job is to make sure I don't have a date go

well

even ONCE!"  I checked my watch, grabbed the phone, and dialed

Rachel's

number.  "Hi Rachel, you decent?  Good, I'll be right there."

I hung up the phone and ran out the door, freezing time as I did

so.  A

few moments (by my reckoning) later, I was standing at the entrance

to

Rachel's house, knocking on the door.  Rachel opened the door and

jumped

a little in shock at seeing my glum face.  "I understand how," she

said,

shaking her head, "but that still surprises me."

Lurker, Hikaru: <snicker>

A bitter smile was my only response.  "Rachel..." I trailed off. 

Damnit,

I did not want to do this.  I took a deep breath and steeled myself

and

tried to ignore the look in her eyes.  "Rachel, I have to call off

the

date tonight."

She sort of flushed and seemed grow angry.  "Oh, so the hussy got

to you,

did she?"  She reached to grab the door and slam it in my face. 

"FINE!" 

She threw the door shut, and I yelled as it bounced off my foot.

Lurker: <wince>

"What on Earth are you..." she never finished her sentence as the

wood of

the door suddenly warped and crumpled it on itself.

Hikaru: O_o

Lurker: <blinks> Damn...that's one nasty case of wood rot...

"Dammit," I cursed.  I quickly cast the 'Show Magic' spell Urd had

taught

me and spied the bug.  I suppose if I had been given more time to

think,

I wouldn't have done what I did next.  I summoned the longer arm

blade

and neatly spit the bug on it.  It squeaked once and went POOF.

Lurker: Bug-kabobs!

Hikaru: <giggle>

I was treated to a most disconcerting series of sensations.  It was

like

I was reliving the conversation, but I was kind of outside it as

well,

and I had no control over it as it seemed to fast forward and pause

at

odd moments.  We reached the end of the conversation, and my last

words

played themselves over and over.

As Belldandy released my head, I staggered back a couple steps. 

"Now I

know what a VCR feels like," I muttered.

Lurker, Hikaru: <laugh>

"You PROMISED that girl you'd be back!"  Urd and Skuld made little

gasps.

You know, I get REALLY sick and tired of the way those three never

tell

me anything.  

Lurker: <chuckle>

There's several reasons I hate traveling my way as opposed to the

mediums

that my sisters or the other deities use.  First, the simple fact

that

while it SEEMS instantaneous to others, it's anything but to me.  A

trip

to Valhalla and back can take up to five hours subjective time. 

So, when

everyone else has been up for ten hours, I've been up for fifteen. 

It

really messes up my sense of time.  Second, and I've mentioned this

one

before, it's BORING.  I can't read because it's unsafe.  I can't

listen

to music because my Discman doesn't work in no-time.  Third, it's
dangerous for me.  If I happen to impact a building at Mach 2, I'm

a

grease spot.  I can't fly really high so as to be safe, because I

don't

have mastery of the spells that would allow me to breathe at the

high

altitudes.

Of course, all that means nothing to those three menaces who have

me

wrapped firmly around their fingers.

Hikaru: You shouldn't call your sisters menaces...

Lurker: Not Belldandy, anyway...

I landed outside the Physics building, and went inside.  The place

was

pretty deserted, and I found out why when I entered the foyer in

front of

the two main lecture halls.  Finals were on.  "Great," I muttered. 

"This

is going to suck."

I used some water from a nearby fountain and my always-handy pocket

TV to

let Urd and Skuld get there.  Good thing the place was deserted -

it

takes a bit of work for Urd to get out of that little TV, and she

goes

through some downright indecent positions.  Urd is a very healthy

young

goddess, I must say.

Lurker: <nodnod><hentai grin>

Hikaru: <whaps Lurker> Cut that out!

Gah, I can't believe I thought like that about my SISTER.  Sheesh,

I

needed a date.

Lurker: <snicker>

Besides being one of the sunniest places in North America,

Saskatoon has

one other seat that puts it heads and shoulders above other cities

- a

really huge amount of restaurants per capita.  There's a reason for

that,

too.  There's nothing else to DO in Saskatoon but eat.  So, we

usually

get restaurants before other Canadian cities.

Lurker: Not to mention, they sell more antacid...and have the highest
cholestrol levels...

Hikaru: <giggle>

However, I must say, I was truly surprised to see an ISO-9000

certified

pizza joint in the student's union.  That was something I thought

I'd

never see, and I'm not sure I want to again.  I won't bore you with

the

arcade, since it was mostly Skuld whipping my ass at all my

favorite

games.  Life just isn't fair.  But then, I play RPGs about ten

times as

much as I do action games.  A couple hours later, I was sitting

outside

the exam hall again, bored out of my skull while Skuld played with

her

tricorder and Urd slept off the alcohol she had been drinking.  

Where does she keep that stuff?

Lurker: You *don't* want to know.

Hikaru: HENTAI! <*wham*>

Lurker: .....itai.....

Slowly, almost too slowly, the door opened, revealing the source of

my

trouble, and I burst out laughing.

Skuld and Urd stared at me.  "'Niichan?  You OK?" Urd asked.

Lurker: Nope. He's lost it.

"Fine," I gasped between laughter, and grinned at the student who

was

gaping at me.  "Hi Colin, I should have known it was you."

"Chris?" he asked in a disbelieving voice.

"Oniichan, what are you talking about?" Skuld demanded.

"When all else fails..." I began, and Colin's face brightened as he
finally accepted it was me.

We echoed the rest of the saying together.  "...blame Simmonds."

Lurker, Hikaru: <sweatdrop>

Ch 9 is being started by Colin, don't worry, he should be able to

live up

to standards...or lack thereof.

Lurker: And we're all looking forward to it. Be sure to pass this
review along to him as well! 

Chichiri: Alright, back to filming na no da!

[Lurker and Hikaru sigh wearily, and put their accessories back on,
preparing for another scene...]

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The Eternal Lost Lurker
EternalLostLurker@worldnet.att.net
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Garden/9502

Estuans interius ira vehementi...
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