Ranma:  What are we doing, Yoiko?
Yoiko:  Lookin' at a fic. (leads the way into the much-abused theater.  The
three of them pick their way around small piles of rubble, reminders of the
last fic review and its devastating aftermath.  In the midst of chaos,
three theater seats remain miraculously upright, facing a large screen.
The reviewers take their seats and huddle up inside their coats as the wind
whistles through the Ranma-and-Ryoga-sized holes in the walls.)
Ryoga:  (suspiciously) Is this another dark fic?
Yoiko:  I think it depends on how you look at it. ^_~

What the hey, I got two hours to kill. Quite literally.

Ranma:  What's he mean by that?
Yoiko:  You'll see.

Bring Me The Head Of Ranma Saotome
A Hope-They-Don't-Hold-This-Against-Me Production.

Ranma:  I don't like the sound of this.
Ryoga:  Heh, it sounds good to me!

  It was a dark and stormy night.

Yoiko:  Oh, boy, are we off to a good start! ^_~
Ryoga:  Isn't that a Bulwer-Lytton...
Yoiko:  Yup. ^_^

Mike, the shoddily disguised stand-in
for the author, was doing something completely irrevelant to the story.
  There was a flash of light for no good reason.
  And the author found himself in Nerima.

Ranma:  Ok, I'm with ya so far.
Ryoga:  Sounds like a standard otaku-fic so far.  Why are we reading this?
Yoiko:  Just watch, Ok?  It gets better.

  "Oh my," Mike mused. "Cool. I can go meet Ranma and Akane,
solve problems, fix relationships, try to sleep with Nabiki..."

Ranma:  (rolling his eyes)  Oh, geez.

  He reflected on this.
  "Nah, I'll just kill them all out of sheer bloody-mindedness."

Ranma and Ryoga:  WHAT!?!?
Ryoga:  What did he say?
Ranma:  Did he just say what I think he just said?
Ryoga:  I think he did!  He did just say what you thought he said!
Yoiko:  I did!  I did taw a puddy-tat!
Ryoga:  Aw, shut up.

DAY ONE
  "Hey. You Tendo Nabiki?"
  "Sure thing, gaijin. What's on your mind?"
  "Travelers checks got stolen. I need a loan. Big one."
  "How much?"
  "*whisper*"
  "That _is_ a big one. 70% interest, componded daily."

Ranma:  You know, that sentence could be read more than one way...
Ryoga:  You hentai!
Ranma:  What?  Did *I* say you could read it in a hentai way?

  "Deal."

Ranma:  Ace for me, Jack for you.  Ace for me, three for you...
Ryoga:  So how is this killing Nabiki?
Yoiko:  She IS parting with a lot of money...

***
  *ring*
  "Nekohanten, is Shampoo."
  "Hi! Can I speak to a Khu Lon, please?"
   "Moment!"
   "..."
   "Hello?"
   "Mrs. Khu Lon? This is, er, Tsen Wu from the Japan-China
Business Beneficial Society. It's my honor and privilege to tell
you that you've just won a free, all expences paid

Yoiko:  All-expenses-paid.
Ranma:  The old ghoul'll never buy that!

trip to
Tahiti, where you'll be escorted by male underwear model Rip
Thrud."

Ryoga:  There's a man in the deal?  She'll buy it.
Ranma:  So how do you know that?
Ryoga:  *shudder*  Don't ask.

  "Really?"
  "Quite."
  "I'd love to, but the restaurant..."
  "Indeed. As part of the service, we'll be sending a
replacement worker down to deliver the ticket."
  "Well. It has been quiet of late... very well, I accept."
  "Wonderful! Our replacement will be down there tomorrow.
Good bye, and congradulations."

Yoiko:  Congratulations.
Ryoga:  Why, thank you!
Yoiko:  Not you.

  "Good bye."
  *click*
* * *
  "Ryouga Hibiki?"

Ranma:  Heh, you're dead!
Ryoga:  Am not!

  "Who are you?"
  "A friend. We have a mutual enemy. Saotome."

Ranma:  He's settin' you up, man, you're dead, dead, dead.

  "Grrr... Ranma...."

Ryoga:  Grrr... Ranma....

  "Yes. It's sad how he abuses Akane. She hides the bruises
well, but..."

Ryoga:  (leaping to his feet) WHAT?!?!  Ranma, you BEAST!  Get back
        here!  Stand still and take your beating like a man!!!
Ranma:  (dodging)  Ryoga, it's a fic, man!
Yoiko:  Boys!  No fighting till the story's over!  If you still want
        to fight each OTHER when this one's done, you'll have my blessing.
Ranma and Ryoga:  (sitting back down looking disgruntled)  Ok.

  "HE'S BEEN BEATING HER!"
  "Among other things. It's frustration over the curse, I think."
  "I'LL KILL HIM!"

Ryoga:  (pounding his fist into his palm) He deserves it.

  "Indeed. First, though, wouldn't you like to learn a
devastating new technique?"
  "Eh? From who?"
  "Me."
  "Heh. Heheheheh."
  "Something amusing?"
  "You don't exactly look like a martial arts sensei."

Ryoga:  Neither does Cologne.

  "I'm not. Don't know a thing about hitting people. But I do
have a technique you can learn."
  "Okay. Let's hear it."
  "This was invented by the mystical sensei RpM, and is known
as the Bakusai-Ten-Satsu."

Yoiko:  Ooh... O.O
Ranma:  The what?

  "Don't you mean 'ketsu'?"
  "No. See, the reason bones don't explode is because of the
soft flesh in the way. Hit the bone with a needle, though,
bypassing the flesh..."

Ryoga:  That's brilliant!  Why didn't I think of that?
Ranma:  Because you don't think, moron!  And don't even try it!

  "Ha. Hehahahahaha! Ranma, tonight you burn in hell!"

Ryoga:  Heh, heh, heh...
Yoiko:  Ryoga.  Get the idea out of your head, or you'll go on the
        "Naughty List."
Ryoga:  Ok.  Heh, heh...

  "Indeed."
DAY TWO
  "Hi, I'm the replacement. Mrs. Khu Lon?"
  "Yes."
  "Your ticket. Have a nice flight."
  "Thank you, sonny. Shampoo will show you the ropes."
  "Indeed."

Ranma:  So how does this kill Cologne?  Her plane explodes or something?
Yoiko:  You know... I think she actually survives the fic!!!
All three:  Waaa-hahahahahaha!

* * *
  "Aiyah, you shitty worker."

Ranma:  Shampoo cusses?
Ryoga:  She's on the "Naughty List."
Yoiko:  We already KNEW that. 9_9

  "Sorry. I'm a journalist, not a scullion."

Yoiko:  Dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a ventriloquist!
Ryoga:  Ventriloquist?
Ranma:  Hey, she's sitting next to a dummy - right, dummy?
Ryoga:  Shut up!!!

  "You work harder."
  "Indeed. So, who do you think's going to take advatage of that
magic locket of Saotome's first?"

Ryoga:  Magic locket?

  "Magic locket?"

Ranma:  You hear an echo?

  "Haven't you heard? Strangest thing, really. Saotome got this
magical locket with the power to resurrect suicides, since a
side effect of it was to cure his curse while he wears it."
  "That not sound bad."
  "Trouble is, the bearer of the locket must immediately
marry anyone he revives with it."

Ryoga:  She's not THAT dumb.  Is she?
Ranma:  Well...
Yoiko:  She does believe in magic. Reminds me of a song...
Ranma and Ryoga:  PLEASE don't sing!
Yoiko:  Ok!  Sheesh.

  "Oh. Aiyah! Is true?"
  "Yup. Don't know who would be stupid enough to risk it aside

>from Ukyou."

Ranma:  Not Ukyo!
Ryoga:  So you do love her best!  That's it, Akane's free!  Hey, Yoiko,
        that letter to Santa really worked!
Ranma:  Oh, get real.
Yoiko:  Actually, I think Ukyo survived this one, too.
All three:  Waaa-hahahahahaha!

  "What! Spatula Girl kill self?"
  "Not yet. She's waiting for the family tanto to arrive. It'll be
at least a day."
  "Aiyah! Ranma marry her to save life!"
  "Yup. I hear Akane's trying to work up the courage for it as
well..."
  "Is horrible!"

Ranma:  I can't believe she's buying this load of...
Yoiko:  It's horrible, all right.  ^_~
Ryoga:  So why are you so cheerful?
Yoiko:  It's a parody, Ok?  It's supposed to be funny!

  "Yeah. Ukyou was worried that you'd steal a march on her
before the tanto arrived, but I told her no-one would risk that
much just for love."
  "..."
  "Oh my. What are you doing with that knife?"
  "Shampoo have Ranma!"
  "Indeed. I can't talk you out of this?"
  "No!"
  "Oh. Drat. Well, at least write a note I can take to Ranma
explaining things."
  "Is good idea. *scribble* Here."
  "Thanks. Happy dying."

Ryoga:  I can't believe you think this is funny.
Yoiko:  *snicker*

* *
  "let's see. Type note to each of Kunos... Shampoo has vital
information on each of their loves, meet at Nekohanten at one
and one-twenty respectively. Type note to Mousse from
Shampoo. Hrm...
  "Dear Mousse,
   The Kunos have dishonored and defiled me. I kill myself in
shame. They will arrive to inflict more horrors upon my body.
If you loved me, as I secretly loved you, send them to hell.
    -Shampoo"
   "Forge signature from other note, put new note by body,
wait for Mousse."

Ranma:  Good God.
Ryoga:  I think that'll actually work.
Yoiko:  Hell should be capitalized, but I guess it's Ok if Shampoo didn't
        know that.
Ranma:  How can you just calmly comment on grammatical stuff like this?
Yoiko:  You want me to yell at him for making a small grammatical faux pas?
Ranma:  No!  How can you just watch this, and laugh?
Yoiko:  Oh, come on.  It's not even real.  Look, there's ketchup for the
        blood.  It's a parody fic!
Ryoga:  *snicker*  It is pretty funny...
Yoiko:  Besides, I'm not pointing out EVERY grammatical flaw...

* * *
  "NO! SHAMPOO!"
  "It was horrible, man. I couldn't stop her."
  "WHY! WHY?"
  "Indeed. I think the Kunos, ah, abused her. Real sickos. Kinky
stuff."

Ryoga:  Urk!  O.O
Ranma:  Aw, man!  That's just sick!
Ryoga:  He'll make mincemeat out of them...

  "THEY DIE!"
  "Well, it's almost one now..."
  "Hark! Blue Thunder demands to see Shampooarrrrrgh."

Yoiko:  Ha, hahaha!  Shampaaargh! (Ranma and Ryoga start to chuckle
        a little)

  "I say. You stuck at least seven knives in his stomach. And is
that a meathook?"
  "Yes."
  "How quaint."
  "I think he's dead."
  "That would be my hypothesis as well. Better move him to
the meat locker before Kodachi shows up."

Yoiko:  Sweeney Todd!
Ranma:  Huh?
Ryoga:  I'm never eating there again as long as I live...
Ranma:  You mean...
Yoiko:  Secret's in the sauce!
Ranma and Ryoga:  Urgh...

* * *
  "AHAHAhAhahaHA! Where is Shampaaauuugh."
  "Indeed. Eight knives this time."
  "And a training toilet."
  "I noticed. Nice touch."

Yoiko:  The training potty strikes again!  :D
Ranma:  Heh, heh!  It's a lot funnier when someone ELSE gets hit with
        that thing!

* * *
  "RANMA! DIE!"
  "Yo, pig boy."
  "Bakusai Ten Satsu!"
  "Don't you meanAAAAAUGH! MY ARM! YOU BLEW MY DAMN BONE
UP!"

Ryoga:  YES!!!

  "Hah!"
  "I.. my arm... ohh... I might be maimed for life!"
  "Hah!"

Ryoga:  Ha, hahaha!  At last!  At long last!
Ranma:  Shut up, you!

  "WELL, YOU WILL BE TOO! DIE, PIG!"
  "Hahuh-oh..."

Ranma:  Hah!  You get yours, too!
Ryoga:  Doesn't matter!  Hahaha!  Hey, I like this guy.  What's his name,
        Mike?
Yoiko:  Yup.
Ryoga:  I'll have to remember that.
Yoiko:  Yup.  I think you'll remember.

* * *
  "Hello, police? A Chinese immigrant just went insane and
murdered two people with a knife."
  "*What address?*"

Ranma:  They'll execute him.
Ryoga:  That's one way to get rid of him.
Ranma:  And the Kunos.
Yoiko:  And Shampaaargh!  (all three laugh)

* * *
  "It was horrible, officer. He just snapped."
  "Really? I can believe it. We've had complaints before."
  "Think it'll be the death penalty?"
  "Considering the victim's family, and the fact that he's
Chinese? Almost certainly."
  "What a senseless waste of human life."
  "Yeah. We already had to take two kids to the hospital. One
had his arm blown upo from the inside, if you can believe it."

Ryoga:  Blown upo! *snicker*
Ranma:  Shut up.
Ryoga:  Ha!  That's usually my line!

  "Think they'll live?"
  "Yeah, probably."
  "Hrm."

Ranma:  I don't think I like where this is headed...
Ryoga:  Well, just look at the fic title!  I think I DO like where it's
        headed!
Ranma:  Shut UP, Bacon Breath!
Ryoga:  (Hans&Frans imitation) Why don't you make me, you girly-mon?
Yoiko:  *snicker*  Now, boys...

* * *
  "Let's see, what sort of stuff does Cologne have back here...
potions, love serum, instant nannichuan, instant
nyannichuan...hmm... hardly be a SI fic without trying that out.
Universal spice, sleeping drug..."

Ranma:  I don't understand why anyone would WANT to curse themselves.
Ryoga:  You notice they're not all lining up for the Black Piglet curse,
        though.
Ranma:  What if he gets stuck that way?

DAY THREE
  "Kasumi Tendo?"
  "Yes?"
  "I'm terribly sorry to hear about what happened to Ranma."
  "Oh dear. So sad, that was. I hope he gets better."

Ranma:  He's after KASUMI now???
Ryoga:  That...that...swine!

  "Indeed. Anyway, Mrs. Igawa down at the market said you
were making... hrm, what for dinner?"
  "Miso soup."
  "Yes, that was it, and she sent me to give you this special
seasoning for it. As a gift in sympathy."
  "Oh dear. I don't know..."
  "Here, I brought a bit. Taste."
  "Mmm. Oh my, that IS good."
  "Isn't it?"
  "You said you had some for the soup?"
  "Here you go."

Ranma:  Poison?
Yoiko:  Nope.

* * *
  "Good soup, oneesan."
  "Thank youaaaaaugh*splut*"
  "Hey! Kasumi just fell in her soupaaaaugh*splut*"
   *splut*splut*splut*
   *creeeeeak*
  "How incredibly gullible."
* * *
   "zzzzzzhuh? What? Why am I tied up?"

Ranma:  Oh, the sleeping drug!

   "Hi, Akane."

Ryoga:  That monster!  If he touches Akane...!

   "Who are you?"
   "Big fan. We're going to do a little taping session."
   "Go to hell."
   "See this knife? See Nabiki, here? See her fingers?"
  *slice*

Ryoga:  Eep!
Ranma:  Urk!
Yoiko:  Cool special effects!

  "Nine more. Shall we begin?"
  "You're insane."
  "Yeah. Ain't it cool?"
  "You also do a horrible Travolta imitation."
  "Indeed. Well, no-one's perfect."

Yoiko:  Wasn't "Perfect" a John Travolta movie?
Ranma:  I don't think he did that on prupose.

* * *
  "Okay, you have the two tapes. Are we bait for Ranma, now?"
  "Don't be silly." *splash*
  "What are you doing?"
  "Covering you, the others and the house with gasoline."

Ryoga:  NO!!!
Yoiko:  It's a fic, Ryoga.  Remember?
Ryoga:  Yeah... That doesn't mean I have to like it!!!

* * *
  "Yes, 119? I'd like to report a fire... no, it's pretty bad... been
burning at least ten minutes. I think some people were trapped
inside..."

Ryoga:  Oh...Akane...

* * *
  "Hi, Ranma?"
  "Ow. Who are you?"
  "No, don't get out of bed, you must be hurt pretty badly."
  "Stupid Ryouga."

Ryoga:  Heh, heh, heh...

  "Indeed. Ah, Akane Tendo sent you this tape."
  "Yeah? What's on it?"
  "No idea."
  *click* "Hi, Ranma. Gee, this is awkward, but... now that
Ryouga finally beat you... I can admit that I love him. And only
him."
  "WHAT?"

Ranma and Ryoga:  WHAT???
Yoiko:  I think I do hear an echo...

  "*I've... known about him being P-chan. That's why I slept
with him. And, well, I mean slept. It eliminated the need for
birth control."
  "Augh."
  "*I hope we can still be friends. I'm going to go visit Ryouga
now. I hope he's not too hurt to... perform. Bye!"

Ranma:  I'll kill you...
Ryoga:  (puppy-dog eyes) If you kill me right now, I'd die a happy man...

  "Gee, tough break, man."
  "Go away."
  "Sure thing."
* * *
  "Quick application of instant nyaniichuan... hmm, weird...
exchange trenchcoat for candy-striper's uniform..."

Ranma:  Weird?  That's all he can say?
Ryoga:  Well, he was EXPECTING the change...

* * *
  "Mr. Saotome?"
  "Who cares."
  "Your medication, sir."
 *Gulp*Glup* "Yeah. Okay."
  "Goodnight."

Ryoga:  And goodbye!  Bwaaa-hahahahaha!
Ranma:  You-!
Ryoga:  Hahahaha!

* * *
  "Hi. I'm new here, could you direct me to Hibiki Ryouga's
room?"

Ryoga:  Haha- huh?

  "Resucitation team to Saotome's room, stat!"
  "You're busy. I'll find it myself."
* * *
  "Mr. Hibiki?"
  "Yeah?"
  "An Akane Tendo told me to give you this tape."
  "Akane! Here!"
  "Enjoy."
  "Have we met, miss."
  "Indeed. Afraid not. Got to run, bye."
  *slam*runrunrunrunrun*
  *click* "You bastard, P-chan. I hate you. You filth..."

Ryoga:  Oh, my God...
Ranma:  Heh, heh, heh...

  *runrunrunrunrun*
  *BOOM*
* * *
  "Damn. What happened?"
  "Must have been some sort of bomb. The survivors say they
heard someone yell something like 'Shishi-hokeyham', and
them, boom."

Ranma:  Bwaaa-hahahaha!  Shishi hokeyHAM!!!  Ha, hahaha!!!
Yoiko:  You spontaneously combusted!
Ryoga:  It's not funny.
Ranma:  Yes, it is!!!  HAAAAhahahaha!

  "Huh. The guy in the room live?"
  "Hell no. Half the building fell on him. You know him?"
  "Only in passing."
* * *

Ryoga:  (starting to glow)  It is not funny.

  Mike frowned. "Well, that's everyone."

Yoiko:  Nope, Cologne and Ukyo survived.
Ranma:  *snicker*  And there wasn't any mention of Happosai, Gosunkugi,
        Sasuke... Azusa and Mikado...
Yoiko:  But he took out almost all of the regulars.
Ryoga:  It's NOT funny!

  "You can end the fic now."
  "Hello?"

Yoiko:  Well, it was a little funny.
Ranma:  Now what was it you were saying about how much you liked this guy?
Ryoga:  I'll kill him!  MIKE!  This is all your fault!  (runs through the
        wall, creating yet another hole)  I'll get you by next week, for
        sure!!!
Yoiko:  Well, that's it.  Thanks for the fic!

^_^

Yoiko

Fourth Disciple of Ryouga, Guardian of the Sacred Walnut Grove
Hentai Hymn Leader of the Church of the Black Rose

Yoiko's Home Page:  http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Towers/7183