On Mon, 15 Dec 1997, jiaming wrote:
Mike Loader wrote this.
Besides, you have an advantage already, that being your
knowledge of the series. Set me down in Nerima with only a
knowledge of Japanese and the clothes on my back, and I could
kill almost every cast member within five days. Face it, folks,
it's a powder keg waiting for a few judicious sparks.
So maybe its been done before. But reading this gave me an idea for a
writing challenge. Can you write a story where in 5 days you could 'take
out' (kill seems a bit harsh, I'll settle for K.O.) almost every member of
Ranma 1/2 with just th clothes on your back an a knowledge of Japanese? I
doubt it. But I'll be most interested in reading the end results. Mike,
this challenge is aimed primarly at you but anyone else can take it up as
well. Got to be believable you know.
What the hey, I got two hours to kill. Quite literally.
Bring Me The Head Of Ranma Saotome
A Hope-They-Don't-Hold-This-Against-Me Production.
It was a dark and stormy night. Mike, the shoddily disguised stand-in
for the author, was doing something completely irrevelant to the story.
There was a flash of light for no good reason.
And the author found himself in Nerima.
"Oh my," Mike mused. "Cool. I can go meet Ranma and Akane,
solve problems, fix relationships, try to sleep with Nabiki..."
He reflected on this.
"Nah, I'll just kill them all out of sheer bloody-mindedness."
DAY ONE
"Hey. You Tendo Nabiki?"
"Sure thing, gaijin. What's on your mind?"
"Travelers checks got stolen. I need a loan. Big one."
"How much?"
"*whisper*"
"That _is_ a big one. 70% interest, componded daily."
"Deal."
***
*ring*
"Nekohanten, is Shampoo."
"Hi! Can I speak to a Khu Lon, please?"
"Moment!"
"..."
"Hello?"
"Mrs. Khu Lon? This is, er, Tsen Wu from the Japan-China
Business Beneficial Society. It's my honor and privilege to tell
you that you've just won a free, all expences paid trip to
Tahiti, where you'll be escorted by male underwear model Rip
Thrud."
"Really?"
"Quite."
"I'd love to, but the restaurant..."
"Indeed. As part of the service, we'll be sending a
replacement worker down to deliver the ticket."
"Well. It has been quiet of late... very well, I accept."
"Wonderful! Our replacement will be down there tomorrow.
Good bye, and congradulations."
"Good bye."
*click*
* * *
"Ryouga Hibiki?"
"Who are you?"
"A friend. We have a mutual enemy. Saotome."
"Grrr... Ranma...."
"Yes. It's sad how he abuses Akane. She hides the bruises
well, but..."
"HE'S BEEN BEATING HER!"
"Among other things. It's frustration over the curse, I think."
"I'LL KILL HIM!"
"Indeed. First, though, wouldn't you like to learn a
devastating new technique?"
"Eh? From who?"
"Me."
"Heh. Heheheheh."
"Something amusing?"
"You don't exactly look like a martial arts sensei."
"I'm not. Don't know a thing about hitting people. But I do
have a technique you can learn."
"Okay. Let's hear it."
"This was invented by the mystical sensei RpM, and is known
as the Bakusai-Ten-Satsu."
"Don't you mean 'ketsu'?"
"No. See, the reason bones don't explode is because of the
soft flesh in the way. Hit the bone with a needle, though,
bypassing the flesh..."
"Ha. Hehahahahaha! Ranma, tonight you burn in hell!"
"Indeed."
DAY TWO
"Hi, I'm the replacement. Mrs. Khu Lon?"
"Yes."
"Your ticket. Have a nice flight."
"Thank you, sonny. Shampoo will show you the ropes."
"Indeed."
* * *
"Aiyah, you shitty worker."
"Sorry. I'm a journalist, not a scullion."
"You work harder."
"Indeed. So, who do you think's going to take advatage of that
magic locket of Saotome's first?"
"Magic locket?"
"Haven't you heard? Strangest thing, really. Saotome got this
magical locket with the power to resurrect suicides, since a
side effect of it was to cure his curse while he wears it."
"That not sound bad."
"Trouble is, the bearer of the locket must immediately
marry anyone he revives with it."
"Oh. Aiyah! Is true?"
"Yup. Don't know who would be stupid enough to risk it aside
from Ukyou."
"What! Spatula Girl kill self?"
"Not yet. She's waiting for the family tanto to arrive. It'll be
at least a day."
"Aiyah! Ranma marry her to save life!"
"Yup. I hear Akane's trying to work up the courage for it as
well..."
"Is horrible!"
"Yeah. Ukyou was worried that you'd steal a march on her
before the tanto arrived, but I told her no-one would risk that
much just for love."
"..."
"Oh my. What are you doing with that knife?"
"Shampoo have Ranma!"
"Indeed. I can't talk you out of this?"
"No!"
"Oh. Drat. Well, at least write a note I can take to Ranma
explaining things."
"Is good idea. *scribble* Here."
"Thanks. Happy dying."
* * *
"let's see. Type note to each of Kunos... Shampoo has vital
information on each of their loves, meet at Nekohanten at one
and one-twenty respectively. Type note to Mousse from
Shampoo. Hrm...
"Dear Mousse,
The Kunos have dishonored and defiled me. I kill myself in
shame. They will arrive to inflict more horrors upon my body.
If you loved me, as I secretly loved you, send them to hell.
-Shampoo"
"Forge signature from other note, put new note by body,
wait for Mousse."
* * *
"NO! SHAMPOO!"
"It was horrible, man. I couldn't stop her."
"WHY! WHY?"
"Indeed. I think the Kunos, ah, abused her. Real sickos. Kinky
stuff."
"THEY DIE!"
"Well, it's almost one now..."
"Hark! Blue Thunder demands to see Shampooarrrrrgh."
"I say. You stuck at least seven knives in his stomach. And is
that a meathook?"
"Yes."
"How quaint."
"I think he's dead."
"That would be my hypothesis as well. Better move him to
the meat locker before Kodachi shows up."
* * *
"AHAHAhAhahaHA! Where is Shampaaauuugh."
"Indeed. Eight knives this time."
"And a training toilet."
"I noticed. Nice touch."
* * *
"RANMA! DIE!"
"Yo, pig boy."
"Bakusai Ten Satsu!"
"Don't you meanAAAAAUGH! MY ARM! YOU BLEW MY DAMN BONE
UP!"
"Hah!"
"I.. my arm... ohh... I might be maimed for life!"
"Hah!"
"WELL, YOU WILL BE TOO! DIE, PIG!"
"Hahuh-oh..."
* * *
"Hello, police? A Chinese immigrant just went insane and
murdered two people with a knife."
"*What address?*"
* * *
"It was horrible, officer. He just snapped."
"Really? I can believe it. We've had complaints before."
"Think it'll be the death penalty?"
"Considering the victim's family, and the fact that he's
Chinese? Almost certainly."
"What a senseless waste of human life."
"Yeah. We already had to take two kids to the hospital. One
had his arm blown upo from the inside, if you can believe it."
"Think they'll live?"
"Yeah, probably."
"Hrm."
* * *
"Let's see, what sort of stuff does Cologne have back here...
potions, love serum, instant nannichuan, instant
nyannichuan...hmm... hardly be a SI fic without trying that out.
Universal spice, sleeping drug..."
DAY THREE
"Kasumi Tendo?"
"Yes?"
"I'm terribly sorry to hear about what happened to Ranma."
"Oh dear. So sad, that was. I hope he gets better."
"Indeed. Anyway, Mrs. Igawa down at the market said you
were making... hrm, what for dinner?"
"Miso soup."
"Yes, that was it, and she sent me to give you this special
seasoning for it. As a gift in sympathy."
"Oh dear. I don't know..."
"Here, I brought a bit. Taste."
"Mmm. Oh my, that IS good."
"Isn't it?"
"You said you had some for the soup?"
"Here you go."
* * *
"Good soup, oneesan."
"Thank youaaaaaugh*splut*"
"Hey! Kasumi just fell in her soupaaaaugh*splut*"
*splut*splut*splut*
*creeeeeak*
"How incredibly gullible."
* * *
"zzzzzzhuh? What? Why am I tied up?"
"Hi, Akane."
"Who are you?"
"Big fan. We're going to do a little taping session."
"Go to hell."
"See this knife? See Nabiki, here? See her fingers?"
*slice*
"Nine more. Shall we begin?"
"You're insane."
"Yeah. Ain't it cool?"
"You also do a horrible Travolta imitation."
"Indeed. Well, no-one's perfect."
* * *
"Okay, you have the two tapes. Are we bait for Ranma, now?"
"Don't be silly." *splash*
"What are you doing?"
"Covering you, the others and the house with gasoline."
* * *
"Yes, 119? I'd like to report a fire... no, it's pretty bad... been
burning at least ten minutes. I think some people were trapped
inside..."
* * *
"Hi, Ranma?"
"Ow. Who are you?"
"No, don't get out of bed, you must be hurt pretty badly."
"Stupid Ryouga."
"Indeed. Ah, Akane Tendo sent you this tape."
"Yeah? What's on it?"
"No idea."
*click* "Hi, Ranma. Gee, this is awkward, but... now that
Ryouga finally beat you... I can admit that I love him. And only
him."
"WHAT?"
"*I've... known about him being P-chan. That's why I slept
with him. And, well, I mean slept. It eliminated the need for
birth control."
"Augh."
"*I hope we can still be friends. I'm going to go visit Ryouga
now. I hope he's not too hurt to... perform. Bye!"
"Gee, tough break, man."
"Go away."
"Sure thing."
* * *
"Quick application of instant nyaniichuan... hmm, weird...
exchange trenchcoat for candy-striper's uniform..."
* * *
"Mr. Saotome?"
"Who cares."
"Your medication, sir."
*Gulp*Glup* "Yeah. Okay."
"Goodnight."
* * *
"Hi. I'm new here, could you direct me to Hibiki Ryouga's
room?"
"Resucitation team to Saotome's room, stat!"
"You're busy. I'll find it myself."
* * *
"Mr. Hibiki?"
"Yeah?"
"An Akane Tendo told me to give you this tape."
"Akane! Here!"
"Enjoy."
"Have we met, miss."
"Indeed. Afraid not. Got to run, bye."
*slam*runrunrunrunrun*
*click* "You bastard, P-chan. I hate you. You filth..."
*runrunrunrunrun*
*BOOM*
* * *
"Damn. What happened?"
"Must have been some sort of bomb. The survivors say they
heard someone yell something like 'Shishi-hokeyham', and
them, boom."
"Huh. The guy in the room live?"
"Hell no. Half the building fell on him. You know him?"
"Only in passing."
* * *
Mike frowned. "Well, that's everyone."
"You can end the fic now."
"Hello?"
-------------------------------------------------
See? Apply your devious, vicious little minds to your avatar, and you
don't _need_ immence power.
-Mike Loader
-Not looking forward to the next round of the Revenge Wars.Sniff! Sniff! Hahaha. A person after my own heart. Although I think