R1/2 -- [Part 2]
Aiiya! It's me again with another exciting installment of HELLCATS. Oh,
who am I kidding, you're probably bored to tears and confused as hell with
what happened last chapter. And just to clear things up, everything is
taking place shortly after Ranma's battle with the sword-toting, Arnold
Swartzesfinger wannabe.
I like comedy over tragedy in the Ranmaverse, though I haven't done a very
good job so far. However, when I normally write, I try to be as dramatic
as possibly, so I've got a little conflict. Hmmmm. Now what can I do to
make the story better? Hmmm... I'VE GOT AN IDEA: LET'S ASK HAPPOUSAI!
Eh...er...yeah...nevermind. I don't want a lemon.
The reason as to why I start with Shampoo's greeting....
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| An Iron Dagger Production |
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Hey, wait! I'm not through talking yet! What's going on? HAPPOUSAI!!!!
From out of the black void of the screen materialized a scene of morning.
Akane Tendo was wearing a blue jacket and skirt and carrying a briefcase as
she made her way down the street to another tedious day of school--or at
least that's how she felt. Her pace was slow and defunct of any of the
usual Ranma-won't-make-me-late-again determination. She kept her head low
because her eyes were sunken from lack of sleep as well as swollen from an
overdose of tears.
She left for school as soon as she could get dressed, ignoring Kasumi's
plea that she eat first--or that she stop by Dr. Tofu's. She wasn't really
hungry anyway and her headwound was a distant memory (or at least it was
far to the back of things to think about.). She didn't really feel like
anything.
Ranma was wearing his usual short-sleeved, red and black Chinese outfit,
of course, but he was also carrying a large, brown envelope that Ukyou
placed on his chest before she left sometime before everyone awoke. He
didn't know what was inside. He just held it under his arm for the time
being. He had other things on his mind.
He was so occupied that he had to concentrate to stay balanced on the
fence. He had a feeling that Akane didn't wanted him to walk beside her,
although that might have been his own guilt talking. Actually, he didn't
know what she wanted.
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| Writen and Directed by: |
| Christopher Lee Collins |
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He felt like he'd really crossed the line this time. He felt that way
alot, too. But this time it felt different. This was far beyond the
normal amount of woman-chasing he knew Akane thought he did. He was in a
bathtub alone with--Ucchan? What the hell made him do that? He loved the
talk they had, but....
He glanced over at his fiancee. _Oh, man. What am I gonna do now?_ She
didn't look up and he wasn't sure if she noticed him or not. He hated
looking at that haunting, vacant look she had on her face every time he
hurt her past the point of retaliation. It withered his insides like a
dying plant and it felt infinitely worse than any pasting she could give him.
Ranma sighed and looked around the scene. _Huh?_ He stopped when he
realized someone was running up the street the way he came. It was Ryouga,
wearing the same type of outfit Ranma had on.
"Akane, wait! Akane!!!" he yelled. No response. With a voice like
Ryouga's, there was no doubt she had heard, but Akane didn't falter her
steps. Then he looked up at his enemy. "RAAAANNNMMMMMAAAAAA!!!! You will
die for this insult!"
_Oh, great. Just what I need._ Ryouga pounced like a cat and bared his
ever-present fangs, but when he almost had his prey within his grasp, the
nimble heir to the School of Anything-Goes-Martial-Arts bent his left leg
into a quick dodge-trip, which sent the Eternally Lost Boy hurtling into
the pond just behind the wall. "I don't have time for this today, P-chan."
"Bwwiieeee! Bwiieeeee!"
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| Based on characters created by: |
| Rumiko Takahashi |
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HEY, HAPPOSAI, COULD YOU HURRY WITH THE CREDITS!!! THEY'RE NOT FOLLOWING
THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA YOU KNOW!!!!
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| Ranma Saotome and Akane Tendo |
| in: |
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| HELLCATS |
| Chapter II |
| "Suspense is a Hammer" |
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| Also starring: HAPPOUSAI as himself |
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(Stick with the scipt! DON'T MAKE ME COME IN THERE!!!!)
Ranma foll-
(HIRYU SHOTEN HA!!!)
Ranma followed Akane through the entrance archway to Furinkan High,
taunting her with the usual barrage of insulting names to just get her
attention, but none of them even caused her to twitch a muscle. _Oh, MAN.
she's REALLY pissed at me!_
He then redoubled his efforts and started to go through his usual assault
of apologies, pleading in a flurry of motion, but to no avail. He then
resorted to making stupid faces at her, which passed so quickly that it
appeared Akane was walking down the hall of a madhouse. Nothing.
Someone tapped him on the shoulder from behind, and he jumped in
mid-fishlips. He put his foot back on the ground and turned around,
undoing his face. "Oh, Ucchan, am I glad to see you. Where'd you go?"
She couldn't quite meet his gaze, her own face still a mixture of
embarrassment and sorrow from the intimate moment they had last night. Her
feet were together and her hands were clasped in front of her. "I... took
a walk." She stared at the retreating Akane. "You'd better go after her."
Ranma threw his arms around in frustration. "I've been trying all
morning! She just won't listen!"
"Try standing in front of her."
Ranma's face lit up. _Oh, yeah! Why didn't I think of that?_ (CUTE
VOICE: Author unconscious.) He shouted, "Thanks, Ucchan," as he ran to
meet his fiancee.
Ukyou started to wave back, but her hand felt too heavy at the time.
_Still the same Ranma. He'll probably never admit what happened last night._
All the students watched the moping schoolmate with surprise because she
was early for school--and that was a miraculous feat; the fact that Ranma
was scrambling to her side explained the moping part.
"Akane, wait up!" The young Saotome rushed ahead of her and swung around
in front of her. Her course was unaltered, so he put his arms on her
shoulders to stop her. Her feet stopped moving, but she did not look up.
"Akane," he tried to say as softly as he could, "I know what it looked
like and I can explai... maybe I can't explain but...."
Akane slowly tilted her head backward to reveal an expression choked with
rage and tears. Ranma was instantly paralyzed and felt like her eyes were
searing away his skin. Everybody on campus paused and watched in sheer
terror and sympathy for the girl's fiancee. Though, while Ranma was
incapacitated, Akane just continued walking, plotting a course, it seemed,
toward the field of trees beside the school (she just couldn't go to school
in her condition). Ranma managed to turn his head and watch her walk away.
He let out a sharp Ryouga-style growl. He was tired of trying to get her
attention. He was tired of being misunderstood! He was tired of being of
being IGNORED! "AKANE, YOU BAKA, WHY DON'T YOU EVER LISTEN TO ME!!!"
Oops. He said that? He took a step back when he realized how loudly he
had yelled at her. Akane went rigid as if struck in the back. A bright
blue aura flared up around her and she turned around very slowly. Ranma
took another step back.
"Raaaannnn-mmmmaaaa! You STUPID, two-timing HENTAI!!! How could you even
THINK of doing something like that to ME!?! SO, did you and UKYOU have FUN
together!?!" That was the last word she could get out before her throat
was too swollen with pain.
Ranma was startled by her overemphasis on the word 'FUN' and started
nervously waving his hands in front of himself. "No, no, no, you got it
all wrong! You should know nothing like that could ever remotely happen
between me and Ucchan!"
Ranma froze (it seemed to come easier and easier), just realizing that he
had just let his mouth move one step ahead of his brain (but the
realization factor was amazing!). He slowly turned back to Ukyou, whose
eyes were glistening with tears and her hands were trembling in front of
her chest in fists. Ranma started to open his mouth, but then decided he
would probably make things worse.
"Jackass." The word shot through him with the same icy intensity as the
word he heard last night.
Ukyou turned and fled before she could be seen crying. Ranma turned back
to Akane, but she was gone. He swung his head low. _Why does this have to
always happen to me? Sometimes I think I picked up more than one curse
from Jusenkyo._
Lifting his head up, he noticed that everyone on campus was staring at
him, and alot of them didn't look happy--especially Akane's friends.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to skip today. The 8:30 bell to class rang
through the air and Ranma was gone in a flash.
* * * * *
Akane didn't know where she was going, she just knew she had to get away.
She had dropped her briefcase somewhere, but she really didn't notice it
missing. She ran and ran with her face in her hands, turning corners and
winding through trees until she finally looked up and found herself in the
park.
She slowed to a halt and stared about with misty eyes. _How did I get
here?_ (HINT: Author doesn't know crap about geography.) She had been so
distraught that she had no idea that she passed any streets or how much
time she was running--or for that matter how she got out off the campus.
_I think I'm beginning to understand how Ryouga must feel._
At least it was quiet. Few cars were on the street and even fewer people
were walking around. She tried to clear her mind, but when her thoughts
passed over the image of Ranma to delete it, she gave out a whimper. She
COULDN'T forget if she wanted to. She had to sit down. There was a bench
not to far away, so she headed for it.
After Akane started to move, a bright pair of eyes blinked open from the
tree she had been standing under, and they followed her path. The
dark-haired girl sat down and put her head in her hands once more. The
cherry tree silently and playfully hopped on its trunk until it settled
right next to the bench.
Akane shook her head in her hands and lethargically raised back to a
sitting position. "Aaaiiee!" She jumped to the other end of the bench
when she noticed the cherry tree staring at her--with a big, toothy grin!
"What's wrong?" asked the sapling.
"Tsubasa?" It had to be. The initial shock passed and Akane straightened
up a bit.
Tsubasa's smile became a frown. _Darn. How did she see through my
disguise? I'll have to work on that._ Again it asked, "What's wrong? Why
are you crying?"
Akane turned away. "I wasn't crying. Just go...."
A miscievious grin washed onto her face, then faded. She turned back to
her leafy inquisitor. "Oh, Tsubasa! It's terrible! I caught Ranma taking
a bath with... Ukyou!" She then feined another nervous breakdown.
The saplings eyes grew wide. _My darling Uk..Uk..Ukyo... was with...
Raaan-maaa?_ The eyes diminished into cold slits of white. _Ranma! You
will not escape Tsubasa so easily this time!_
The gullible piece of Akane's revenge jumped down the sidewalk like
lightning. Akane almost smiled, but then the image of walking in on her
supposed friends returned, and she slumped back into the bench. _Why,
Ranma? Why?_
* * * * *
Tsubasa was hopping mad. Literally. _I don't believe my dear Ukyou
would... do anything with that... RETCHED Ranma! HE isn't even a full man!
Just a lousy, sex-changing PERVERT who has no taste in fashion (CUTE
VOICE: Look who talking.)._ Her eyes started misting.
_Why, Ukyou? WHY? Can't you see that I love you? You just have to give
me a chance._
The water that was forming in his/her eyes made it hard for he/her to see
where he/she was going. Still hopping his way out of the park, he closed
his lids tightly for an instant and reopened them.
!!!WHAM!!!
It was like hitting a brick wall. Everything was black for an instant;
then he found himself staring up at the sky. He immediately pressed his
head against the eyeholes of his costume (NOTE: Ummm. His other costume.).
There was a tall man in an ugly-colored robe standing over him; he
couldn't see anything inside the garment but black.
The brown-haired man/girl stared in surprise. A raspy voice said, "Now
you can't run off to fight Ranma without me, can you?"
* * * * *
Back at the Neko Hanten, Cologne was meditating. She was sitting on an
old rug surrounded on three sides by flickering candles with her old and
wrinkled legs contorted in a crude, lotus-style position. Her eyes were
shut as she thought about the strange feeling she had in chapter one.
(NOTE: Don't look at me. Look at him. He wrote it. Just don't look at me.)
Her eyelids flew open like curtains being drawn as she was struck with a
similar something's-wrong feeling. _Whatever it is, it's definitely here.
A power which I haven't felt in a long time. But where?_ She hated not
knowing.
She lowered her eyes. It was annoying being a wise woman when she didn't
know. _Patience. It will all come back to me._ She waved both arms
outward simultaneously and all of the candles went out. Then she jumped to
her staff, which was leaning in a corner next to the candle set-up, and
draped her body across the top (like a dehydrating bullfrog) (CUTE VOICE:
Hey! That my great-grandmother!). She balanced herself so she was
perpendicular to the floor and glanced at her great-granddaughter coming
down the stairs.
"Nii hao, Great-grandmother."
"Good day, Kitten."
Shampoo noticed that she sounded preoccupied and cocked her head. "What
wrong, Great-grandmother?" (CUTE VOICE: Why Shampoo cock head?)
(NOTE: Uh, moving right along....)
Cologne turned toward the window. "Something bad, my dear."
Shampoo cocked her head the other way, then shrugged and walked into the
kitchen. (CUTE VOICE: First cock head one way, then....)
(NOTE: Meanwhile, as Shampoo entered the kitchen....)
The old woman closed her eyes. _I'm getting too old for this._
(CUTE VOICE: At least Shampoo have more than one line.)
* * * * *
Ranma made it back home again, taking a detour around the park to avoid
some of Akane's friends who were following him. He had to find her and
make her see that.... Make her see what? He was beginning to think he
really WAS a pervert.
He searched around the house a bit and it seemed uncannily quiet--Kasumi
may have been at the store, Nabiki WAS still at school, and Akane.... He
realized that she probably wasn't here since it was the first place HE
would look. He dropped Ukyou's envelope on the dresser in his room and
continued about the house, devoid of energy. (NOTE: That's the last you'll
see of the envolope for THIS fanfic.) _I have to think this through for
once. Something's not right about everything that's been going on, and it
ain't just me._
In front of the open back door sat his father, in human form, admiring the
almost clear, sunny day. Ramna hollowly asked, "Hey Pop, howzit goin?"
Genma turned his head and looked surprised; he was in good humor today.
"You're home earlier than usual. Is something wrong, Ranma my boy?"
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "I'll say there is." He then took
a seat next to his old man.
"What seems to be the problem?"
They each stared out to the sky. "Well Pop," _Don't use you're own
name._, "I know this guy... and he's in REALLY big trouble, and I have to
help him out. Y'see... he's always being chased by girls who just won't
leave him alone, and his fiancee gets really jea... mad that they do.
Well, not to long ago, she walked in on him and another girl, only it
wasn't what it looked like. I know this kid, and he'd never do something
like that in his...."
Ranma looked over at his pop, who had started laughing slyly. He nudged
his son in the side, saying, "He must be a real heartbreaker with the
girls. Looks like the old Saotome charm'll have some competion. Why when
I was your age...."
Ranma picked him up and gracefully hurtled him into the pond. "Thanks for
nothin, Pop!"
A rotund panda sat up from the middle of the pond. "Grawlhalhawalf"
{{What did you do that for?}}
Ranma couldn't contain himself. "It was me, OK! Akane found ME in the
same room naked with Ukyou!" _Oops. Did it again._
An overinflated head thrust into his view from the other direction.
"WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS, SAOTOME!!! HAVE MY EARS DECIEVED ME OR DID
RANMA SAY HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN!?! I THOUGHT YOU'D RAISED YOUR SON
BETTEN THAN THAT!!!"
!BOOT! Ranma went sailing through the air and landed in the pond next to
the estranged animal. A disingruntled pig-tailed girl sat up and crossed
her legs as she and the panda watched the rediculously dramatic scene.
Tears were flowing out of Soun's eyes like a water fountain and his hands
were raised to his face with crooked fingers. He dropped to his knees and
stared somewhere between the two dishonorers and the sky. "How could
something like this happen? The Tendo Dojo is RUINED because of your
lechery, young Saotome...." (CUTE VOICE: Blah Blah Blah. You know how
rest go.)
Ranma leaned toward her father panda: "I need to go see someone about a
problem, Pop. Are you coming with me?"
The panda nodded enthusiastically.
* * * * *
Ryouga wondered which street he was on. _I was sure Akane lived somewhere
around here._ Even though he wasn't sure which direction he was heading,
he still kept a steady pace.
_At least it seems I'm still in Tokyo. Oh! Why do I always have to get
lost?_ He turned the next corner and gasped.
Azusa was playing with an old-fashioned rotary phone in front of the gates
to her mansion. "Now you be good, Miranda, and I'll take you to the circus
tomorrow. OK? Hehehe." She set it down on the curb and patted its dialer
affectionately.
Ryouga was frozen with fear. _Of all the places I had to get lost. I...
I... I have to get out of here! But if I move, she might see me._
"CHARLOTTE!!!"
_Damn!_
Azusa's eyes almost tripled in size and shimmered like twin pools. "You
came back!" She threw her arms wide and started off in a run, so Ryouga
promptly did the same.
* * * * *
Ukyou wasn't even watching where she was going. She just walked through
Nerima with her head down, trying to fight back the few tears she felt
trying to escape. She almost got hit by a few passing cars or bicyclists,
but the drivers/riders always stopped or went around, shouting curses which
she didn't even hear.
_Did Ranchan really mean it. Could there be nothing between the two of
us. Could there ever be anything?_ She wiped away the water from her eyes
and tried to convince herself that she needed to stop dredging herself
around--it wasn't getting her anywhere.
She hadn't even noticed it, but she had somehow led herself to the park.
(CUTE VOICE: Stupid spatula girl get it now.) She sighed and decided she
needed the fresh air. With her arms crossed and her head hung in thought,
she slowly followed the sidewalk.
She closed her eyes and thought of the quiet. It made her feel better.
In deep concentration though, she didn't even notice the dark-haired girl
curled up on the bench ahead of her.
Akane was near sleep--she so much needed it. She felt the final grip of
the waking world slip away when she heard footsteps, and a bell went off in
her head that told her there was something she had to do. She opened her
eyes and saw a startled Ukyou standing sideways with her head turned toward
her.
Ukyou almost passed by the bench unaware, but then she felt the hairs on
the back of her neck tingle. She stopped. She slowly cranked her head to
the side and saw a startled Akane looking up at her from the park bench.
Ukyou jumped back and whipped out her battle spatula, raising it in front
of her protectively. Akane sprang off of the bench like it had thrown her,
and she landed on her feet in an attacking stance. Ukyou had never seen
her do that; she was a little scared.
Akane's brow was furrowed and her body radiated blue. Ukyou decided she
better try to stand down on this one. She didn't want to have to hurt her.
"Akane, I know what you must be thinking, but, really, its not...."
"You can't have him!"
_OK, that went well._ Ukyou tried to smile.
"He's my fiancee!"
Ukyou saw that Akane was about to throw a punch, so she raised the spatula
in front of her. But instead of throwing a punch, she grabbed the handle
of the weapon and yanked it out of her hands with her astounding brute
strength while simultaneously using Ukyou's split-second unbalanced
position to effectively sweep her legs out from under her. Ukyou fell to
the concrete and looked up as Akane was about to splatter her with her own
tool.
Just then, they heard a loud scream. "GET AWAY FROM ME!!!"
Both combatants turned to see Ryouga blazing toward them with a familiar
bubbling little girl happily bounding after him. "Charlotte!"
"I'M NOT CHARLOTTE! I'M A PERSON!"
Akane followed their race in confusion, still holding the giant cooking
utensil at the apex of a swing. When the two were just dots in the
distance, she returned to anger mode and started to follow through with her
swing; she halted when she realized that Ukyou was gone.
* * * * *
Mr. Panda and the pig-tailed girl were jogging down an unnamed street
bound for the Neko Hanten. Genma's shapechanged form wasn't really built
for speed, so he couldn't go any faster--and he was tiring as it was.
Ranma wished he could have found Akane or Ukyou along the way--or even
Ryouga--so he could take them along too.
Finally, they had to slow down before the great animal collapsed. That
gave them time to exchange a few words.
They kept walking at a nonstrenuous pace. "Ya see, Pop, I keep having
this wierd feeling that something just ain't right. Everything is just
stranger than normal. That's why we have to talk to the old ghoul--well, I
have to talk to the old ghoul." Her father nodded. "She has to know
something. I mean, she is a million years old or something."
They walked along the street wordlessly until Ranma stopped just after he
passed a newspaper box. _That wasn't there a minute ago._ Ranma motioned
for her father to stop, then pointed towards the dispensor with her thumb,
and then turned her thumb down.
Genma nodded and walked behind the metal and glass box. Ranma nodded once
and he picked the box high off the ground and shook it. Tsubasa promptly
fell out.
"I knew it. Why are you followin us, you little creep?" Ranma put her
hands to her hips and waited for a reply.
The brown-haired man/girl responded by leaping into the air until she was
only a back dot in front of the sun. While Ranma and Mr. Panda wondered
when he/she had recieved this amazing boost of leg strength, their
adversary was on his/her way back to Earth. (NOTE: Ah, hell, I'll call it
a girl! That's what he wants!)
"Bakusai-ten-ketsu!" She drove her index finger into the ground and
!BOOM! cement rocks flew everywhere. Ranma used her lightning quick hands
and feet to deflect every sigle pebble that came her way while also jumping
like a madwoman (Kodachi) to evade the larger boulders. Her Pop wasn't so
lucky. He was batting as many of the fragments out of the air with the
new-and-improved steel signs he pulled out of hyperspace, but his size and
lack of his son's speed had allowed just enough debree to make contact and
send him spashing several feet away onto the pavement.
Ranma jumped off of the last boulder and landed on the side of the wall,
seeming to just hang there, when Tsubasa ran up and pressed a finger to the
wall.
!BOOM! The wall Ranma was standing on shattered and she jumped over all
the shards to land a dozen yards away from the wall and the energetic girl.
Ranma's outfit was torn in several places, but otherwise she was fine.
_Where the HELL did TSUBASA learn the breaking point technique?_ Ranma
quickly got into her battle stance. "C'mon, let's see what else you got!"
The other girl laughed. "Your wish is my command." She launched herself
in Ranma's direction and jumped off of Ranma's head before she could snatch
the little maggot out of the air. Tsubasa landed nimbly on the other of
the street and shouted, "Happou dai karin!"
Ranma's eyes flew wide with the absurdity. "WHAT?"
The pig-tailed girl jumped in the air just above the explosion that burned
the street. Meanwhile, another small bomb exploded in mid air and sent
Ranma crashing to the ground.
Tsubasa walked up, "Oooh, you're gooood."
At that moment, Mr. Panda congradulated the victor with a whack on the
back of the head with a sign; she went out like a light.
Ranma pushed herself off the cement with a bruise on her shoulder.
"What'd you do that for? I could'a beat her!" The panda merely nodded.
Without a second thought, Ranma grabbed the brunette heap and stuffed her
back in the newspaper dispensor where she came from, then held the box out
for her pop to kick into orbit.
"C'mon, Pop, we better hurry." They both broke into a run.
* * * * *
Ukyou had better get back to her restaurant. She had to open up soon for
the noon-time crowd. She weaved through the streets tracing her way back
to Ucchan's.
She started hearing faint screams coming from somewhere far ahead. She
slowed and realized they were getting closer. Two specks appeared over the
horizon.
"GET AWAY FROM ME I'M NOT YOUR LITTLE BLACK PIG!" "Charlotte! Don't you
want to play with Azusa?" "NO PLEASE GO AWAY SOMEBODY HELP!"
"Chaaarloooottte!"
Ukyou didn't know why the girl liked to call him that, but she couldn't
stand watching him suffer--there had been enough suffering for one day.
She slowly pulled out a throwing spatula, keeping her eyes on the chase as
it got closer. _This will have to be timed just right._
_Three... two..." Spatula ready. _One!_ Ryouga started to pass like a
racecar, but she managed to grab one of his arms and whip him around the
corner before he could regain his balance. Just as quickly the bounding
girl passed, and Ukyou slapped the spatula into her hand. Ukyou hurried
around the corner and clamped a hand over Ryouga's mouth.
Azusa grinded to a halt a block later when she realized she was the only
one running. She peered around with lost puppy-dog eyes. "Where did
Charlotte go? Charlotte gone!" As she was about to cry, she looked down
and noticed the shiny, silver spatula in her hand and her face lit up like
a summer day. "FABIO!!! I found you!"
Ukyou made sure the little girl was preoccupied before removing her
restraint from Ryouga's mouth. Ryouga was on the ground, a little dazed
from his spin, and Ukyou was kneeling over him. It didn't take long for
his head to clear enough that he realized who saved him. The fanged
warrior slitted his eyes. "UUUKYYOOUU!!! PREPARE TO DIE!!!"
Ukyou swiftly retreated from the alleyway into the street. Azusa watched
with puzzlement. Next, Ryouga stomped out with his fists clenched. Ukyou
had nowhere to run and no battle spatula to protect her.
"What did I do? I was only trying to help, jackass!" She curled her
hands around two throwing spatulas.
"You broke the heart of Akane Tendo by romancing with her fiancee! You
and Ranma Saotome shall pay for that insult!" With that, he rushed at her
and Ukyou let loose her spades. Almost at the same time, he ripped off two
bandanas and intercepted her missiles, sending them to the ground.
She desperately pulled out a small sack of flour from her jacket and
shoved it in her attackers face. Then she swung her leg around and caught
the blinded Ryouga in the mouth.
He staggered back, undamaged by the kick. _That was a solid blow! What
does this guy EAT every day?_
Ryouga pushed the rest of the flour from his eyes and whipped off another
bandana. He released it with a growl, but this time his missile was
intercepted and cut into two when a twirling spatula flew by.
They both looked surprised when the spatula returned like a boomerang into
Azusa's hand. "Bad Charlotte. Not hurt funny spatula lady."
While Ryouga was distracted, Ukyou knocked his legs out from under him and
heaved another sack of flour into his face.
The okonomiyaki chef and the cute object collector vanished around the
corner before Ryouga could clear his vision. They ran a few blocks, Ukyou
carrying the girl on her shoulders, before Ukyou thought it safe enough to
stop.
She patted the girl on the head and gave her two more spatulas. Azusa's
eyes were two shiny orbs of joy.
* * * * *
A cute red-headed, pig-tailed girl and a rather large, fat panda burst
into the Neko Hanten, and all the customers immediately locked their gazes
in their direction. Ranma and Genma weren't happy--in fact, they were
pissed (at least Ranma was).
Ranma stomped past the tables and chairs while half of the patrons watched
her; the other half watched the intimidating panda still in the doorway.
"Where are you, Old Ghoul?!"
A small and wrinkled face popped up from behind the counter. "I was
wondering when you'd get here."
"Something's going on--and you usually have all the answers!"
Shampoo appeared from somewhere to the right of him wearing a waitress's
uniform. Not carrying any trays at the time, she clasped her hands
together in front of her and gave a cheerful, "Nii hao, Ranma!" before
jumping into her love's arms.
Ranma scowled and whispered, "I'm a girl right now or haven't you noticed?"
Shampoo blinked and glanced at Ranma's cushony breasts underneath a torn,
damp, and clinging shirt. "Oh. Could Ranma drop Shampoo now?"
"Gladly." Ranma released her back and legs and the Amazon fell
uncerimoniously on her rear.
Cologne stood on her staff in the middle of the kitchen. "You're
disturbing my customers! Go upstairs to Shampoo's room and take your
father with you. I'll meet you up there." Mousse ground his teeth when he
looked up from washing dishes.
* * * * *
Shampoo took Ranma and Genma to her room as her great-grandmother
directed, then reluctantly returned to her duties with the customers. The
two had a look around while they waited for Cologne to appear. The place
looked more like a shrine than a girl's bedroom. There were pictures of
Ranma in his male form covering so much of the walls that you couldn't see
the soft blue underneath--that is, assuming that the walls were painted the
same color as the ceiling. Ranma walking to school, Ranma training with
his pop, Ranma training with Akane (with Akane psychotically crossed out),
Ranma shadowboxing, Ranma eating(?), Ranma taking a bath(!), RANMA STEPPING
OUT OF THE BATH (CUTE VOICE: This Shampoo favorite photo)!!! _So that's
why Nabiki has so much extra cash! I'll kill her!_
Ranma narrowed her eyes and tried not to look at it. _At least panda's
can't laugh._ She saw that even the lampshades had dark-haired guys in
Chinese costumes and ponytails painted on them, which she had to admit
weren't half bad. The only things that made Ranma half-way smile was the
fact that there was a catdoor on the door they had entered and a litterbox
in the adjoining bathroom under the sink.
The old goul entered just as they were begining to wonder what she could
be keeping in her drawers (CUTE VOICE: Hey, that not fair!!!). She jumped
on the floor and pushed the door shut with her staff, then jumped back atop
her staff. She then bounced over to Shampoo's bed and settled herself near
the edge, crossing her legs in an awkward but comfortable position. Ranma
and Genma sat on the floor in front of her.
Cologne closed her eyes, unsure of how to begin.
Ranma was still a bit angry, but managed to ask politely, "So what's been
going on?"
"I wish I could tell you, Son-in-law, but on this matter you probably know
more than I. I have sensed something in the air since last night but can
find no explanation. Perhaps I can do something if you can tell me what
you know."
Ranma blinked. _The old goul doesn't know what's going on? That's a
first._ Ranma began his explanation of how Kenny was searching for him....
(NOTE: It's just a summary of the first chapter, so you can live without
it.) "The next thing I knew, Akane and Ukyou were mad at me, and Tsubasa
was attacking me with the breaking point and Happousai's firecrackers."
Cologne opened her eyes on the last statement. "Well, I've seen this
Tsubasa around many times and she... he has demonstrated no such knowledge
of those techniques. If it was not for that, I would have wondered if we
weren't both imagining things." She gave a misshapened, wrinkly smile that
looked like she was trying to swallow a shoehorn. "I am sorry that I do
not have an answer for you at the time, Son-in-law, but I will have one soon."
Ranma and Genma nodded once just as the window opened seemingly by itself.
The three turned to see a small blur drop down and settle in the middle of
the room. It was Happousai.
It almost looked like he was about to cry, kneeling heavily on one knee
while steadying himself with his pipe. Mr. Panda looked concerned (NOTE:
As you know, when Happy's around, he can't tell fear from loyalty).
{{What's wrong, Master?}}
He shook his head and whined, "I've done a bad thing, and now Akane's hurt
because of it. It's all my fault, it's all my...." (NOTE: Personally, I'd
rather not listen to him run through the thesaurus on low self-esteem
summarizations.) (CUTE VOICE: I agree.)
Ranma flashed into existance standing over the infinitely old man.
"Alright, already! We get the point! Now can you tell us what's going on?"
Happousai looked up, shocked that he had been yelled at. Mr. Panda
crawled toward him on his knees. {{He didn't really mean that, Master,
he's just been under alot of stress}} (NOTE: Genma Saotome--master of the
"Tensai Buttkiss".)
Ranma pressed, "So quit crying and tell us what's going on already!"
Happousai squinted his eyes seriously. "If you don't stop that, I just
might not feel like talking."
Ranma backed up and sighed. Then, she tried a serious plea: "Do it for
Akane."
That got him because he snapped back into groveling mode. "It all started
after I had paid a visit to Joketsuzoku Village in China (the village of
the Amazons). Cologne there was but a teenager, but I was in my prime. I
had only planned to make one pass through the village, but something
happened that made me go back...."
Cologne pointed her staff in his direction. "But I remember, and I saw
you only once."
"Don't flatter yourself, you old bag, I was far better than any of you to
let myself make the same mistake twice." Cologne let out a hollow growl,
but Happousai didn't look up.
"I met someone. Someone with the beauty and grace of a jungle cat, and
the ferocity to match. She found it in her heart to love an old rogue like
me, and I forgot all of my other cares at her side. My first gift to her
was a silk nightie; she was overjoyed. Afterwards, I gave her presents of
panties, and she lavished them away from the rest of the tribe. Her name
was... Dandelion."
Cologne's eyes flew wide and her mouth gaped like the opening of a
crumpled paper bag. "WHAT!?! You dared to toy with the affections of an
Amazon? Dandelion was the tribe's greatest warrior! She left the tribe to
be with YOU?"
Happousai still didn't look up, but his voice became sadder. "I loved
her... and would have done anything for her. We had a son together."
Ranma cupped her hands over his mouth. "I think I'm going to be sick."
(CUTE VOICE: You not only one.)
"We named him Thyme, and we raised him in the hills away from Jusenkyo
where no one would find us. He became a strong fighter, but his mother
always taught him to know when to yield, breaking with the usual Amazon
tradition. Thyme was not Amazon, and Dandelion had her own ideas on how
everything should be."
Cologne was mortified. It was really a wonderful sight to see.
Happousai started to break up at this point but forced himself to go on.
Ranma was taken aback when a tear rolled down his wrinkled cheek. "One
day, Dandelion stumbled onto a hidden encampment. There she found the
fabled Cult of the Jaguar--they were supposed to be long dead. They were
probably the last. Dandelion had to investigate.
"I wasn't there at the time, so I can only assume that she was discovered
by the guards. Thyme and I managed to be passing by when I saw the fight.
She took out a great many of them, but they overwhelmed her and...."
He had to stop for a while. Ranma was actually beginning to feel sorry
for the pervert. She left and got him a drink of water from the bathroom
sink. He accepted it wordlessly.
He started again. "I flew into a rage, and with the help of my son, we
destroyed the camp. No one survived except for three infants. I would
have showed them no mercy had it not been for Thyme. He realized that what
he had done was wrong, and he begged me to spare the three. He felt he
could turn them and teach them his ways, and I believed him."
Ranma couldn't help it, but her eyes started to mist and she sniffled a
few times. The old man seemed older still. He took a drink of water and
concluded, "I could not bare to stay there any longer and Thyme refused to
follow me. I wished him luck and left for Japan."
Ranma crawled up to Happosai and gave him one of Shampoo's socks as a
hankerchief. (CUTE VOICE: Hey!) She softly inquired, "So, you old pervert,
what does this have to do with me and Akane?"
Happousai glanced up at the pig-tailed girl. "I ran into one of them
outside the house at the window where I was watching you and that Ukyou
girl taking a bath."
Ranma drew back and rested on her knees and Mr. Panda placed one of his
blank steel signs into her waiting hand. She wrapped her other hand around
the handle and flattened the unsuspecting pervert into the floor. When she
raised the sign, Happousai popped up and staggered in a small circle,
mumbling, "Look at all of the beautiful panties," before collapsing in a
crumpled heap.
They looked over to Cologne to ask her opinion, but she was
flat-on-her-back unconscious.
They shrugged, walked out of the room, and turned out the light.
* * * * *
Well, I think that was a little better than the last chapter, don't you?
But still, I kinda got too mushy at the end, but at least Ranma put an end
to that. HEY! HAPPOUSAI! CUT IT OUT! Uh oh. Before I forget:
Theres all these really long and boring names of actors that could never
play these characters because they're off on a safari to Africa or a resort
in Hawaii where they eat and drink cocoanuts for a living and AH Happousai
your toast is burning and Shampoo smacks me in the face with a pizza and
its still frozen so my nose is bleeding so I finally have to say "Shai shen."
CUTE VOICE: Uuuuummmm. Is this button, right? Is this thing on? This
Shampoo trying new idea for after-story closing. Want see what you think.
Next on Ranma one half, slow Akane fight stupid spatula girl in fight to
death. Girl-type Ranma run into angry hiding Tsubasa again, but with
twist. Stupid spatula girl also fight stupid pig-boy because Akane too
slow to finish job. And finally, Shampoo jump into Ranma arms and walk
into sunset. OK. Maybe that not happen. In short, all hell break loose,
unless stupid wheelchair boy decide script change at last minute. Shai shen!
OK, Happousai! You leave me no choice! Saotome School of Anything-
Goes-Martial-Arts Special Technique--SAOTOME-RYUU OUGI! And while I run
for my life to think of something better to do, I'll be brainstorming to
see if Shampoo has the right idea. See you then....