On Tue, 9 Dec 1997, Talswapr wrote:

	Ah.  I'm glad a response to this was posted.  I wanted to comment
myself, but since I read it at around 4 AM, I accidentalle deleted it (and
forgot the fics title...)

- the Shampoo/Cologne idea is absolutely brilliant and its revelation is
remarkably chilling, one of the most exciting single subplot ideas in all of
Ranma fanfic.  It needs to be checked against the manga.  For example,
Happosai on at least two occasions recalls encounters with the young Cologne
(love pills story and Hiryuu Shoutenha story).  I think that Herb and the
Nikuman men come to Nerima expressly to see Cologne.  There might also be
something in the Pink and Link story that indicates their awareness of her
identity.  Of course, I suppose they could have all been under the same mind
control, but the story should take such complications into account.

	It _was_ surprisingly chilling.  The introduction of the 'monkey'
riding Shampoo's back was remarkably well done.  Sent a tingle up my
spine, it did.
	My only complain is that, once it makes its entrance in the last
chapter posted, it quikcly decends into the realm of typical ranting
Ranma-monster.  Maybe it was the dialogue or something, but I remember
suddenly losing interest in the creature (compared to finding it quite
fascinating as the mysterious, manipulating figure of before).
	I'd also have to agree with Taleswapper on the past aspect.  Could
it have feasibly twisted so many peoples' memories?  And if so, why did it
bother teaching Ranma so many techniques (which will probably be put to
good use against it?)

point, I'm wondering if even Ukyou is real.

	Hadn't thought of that.  _Really_ cool twist if that's what's
going on...
 

- the brackets used to indicate Ranma's thoughts are distracting.  I don't
think they're necessary, since no one else's unspoken thoughts are part of the
narration.  It might be smoother and more artistic if his thoughts were
incorported right into the straight narrative.  With such a change, only one
set of brackets would be necessary in the extended internal argument at the
end of Part 8.

	This was my other complaint.  You do something excellent - you
take Ranma introspection beyond the surface level (where he actually
questions his own feeling, reactions, motives), but you do so in a way
that feels (to me, at least) somewhat artificial.  Internal dialogue is
one thing, but I doubt many people carry on full conversations within
themselves.  Perhaps integrating it within the narrative, as suggested
above, might work better.  I dunno - just a suggestion.

	Regardless of which, it was a great read -- even at 4 AM.  Looking
forward for the rest to come out... (hopefully before I unsubscribe for
the holidays!)

	-Mike Noakes
***
Homepage and Fanfiction at:
http://aix2.uottawa.ca/~s669330/
E-Mail at:
s669330@aix2.uottawa.ca
***