Subject: Re: A Druid's Way, Part 1 REVISED
From: rbarnes@moscow.com (Bob Barnes)
Date: 11/25/1997, 2:27 PM
To: druid@bbs.chemek.cc.or.us
CC: fanfic@fanfic.com

A pretty good story, and I think you are right about the improvements.  Just
a couple of nits to pick.  In the second section after Druid and Ryouga
return to the Tendo-ke you have Druid sharing Ranma and Genma's room.  The
nit is in Nodoka's likely reaction since as far as she knows it's actually
Ranko Tendo and her pet panda's room.  The Tendo's are going to put a boy
and a girl together to sleep in the same room?  She's likely to react to
this, don't you think?

The second nit is from the first section... it's only the second nit because
I think it's less serious. heh heh.  Here's the part I'm talking about:

  Druid began to reply, when he felt a strong urge to move forward,
and did so... quickly.

  A moment later a loud crash was heard directly behind him,
immediately followed by an unpleasant sounding angry growl.

  Something bothered Druid as he turned toward the sound, which he was
sure was Shampoo.

  He looked around at everyone closely, and began to come to a
realization that he had been unconsciously avoiding. He knew everyone,
All of them, not by direct experience but by memory. *Ranma, I can't
believe it! Ranma! GOD what a strange world!*

  This was too much for him to cope with just then, and he said bye bye
to the daylit world.

  Everyone was startled to see Druid fall to the ground in a faint.
Unfortunately Shampoo was the first to react. She picked up the head of
the mace she had broken in her first attempt to smash Druid. She then
threw it at him.

  Strangely, her aim was off, instead of smashing his head like a
melon, it hit his outflung forearm with a sickening double snap.

  This served quite well in waking him up, screaming all the way.
Abruptly the scream stopped. Directing a fierce glare at Shampoo she
appeared to faint, followed immediately after by Druid.

  Surprisingly Kasumi took charge of the situation, and began giving
orders, "Ranma, would you please take Shampoo back to the Nekohanten?
Father, Genma please take Druid inside. Nabiki, would you call
Tofu-sensei and ask him to come over? I need to get something from the
market, I should be back after he leaves."

You do realize, don't you, that Druid just techincally defeated Shampoo in
combat and by all rights should, from now on, have the problem of being a
prospective Amazon Bridegroom?  I think the Amazons disappeared from the
story just a tad too quickly and easily, given this.

Last, though I know you've probably been rererereading and rewriting this
story for a long time, there are still a few places with verb tense problems
and word choice errors... nothing serious, but it needs a bit of heavy duty
proof reading.

Looking forward to seeing part 2.  

Best,

Bob Barnes
rbarnes@moscow.com
Moscow, Idaho

When opportunity comes, the trick is to CATCH the red hat.