Subject: Re: [FFML] [Fanfic][Ranma] Nekophobia 7: Photographic Memory [revised]
From: Mark Doherty
Date: 10/22/1997, 5:37 PM
To: dje@progress.com
CC: FFML <fanfic@fanfic.com>

At 12:05 AM 23/10/97 +1000, Dave Eddy wrote:
    Nodoka smiled winningly.  "I'd like to adopt you, Ukyou.
Give you a loving family.  A mother and a brother who love you,
at the very least."  She couldn't bring herself to mention Genma.

Ah, yes. Can't say I'm overly shocked at your solution, and I am
grateful that you gave Ukyou a better way out than the wimpish "lonely
forever" stuff  most love to off on her, but...

But it just doesn't quite feel right, the way it's done. It's...

    Ukyou nodded.  "Hai... okaachan."  A thought took her, and
she hopped out of bed, favouring her side.

...too easy. I know you've released at least some parts to raac, but
I think one of the easier ways to make this scene believable would
be to backtrack, and put a scene or two more in previous chapters,
accentuating her loneliness, her need for companionship, over her need
for physical love. You went some way towards that with her defending
Ranma previously, but...

    "Welcome home, Ranma-oniichan," said Ukyou demurely with a
wicked twinkle in her eye.

...I think otherwise, if you don't want to backtrack, you might want to 
look at tweaking the adoption scene. It's just a bit of a stretch as is.
Because...

    Ukyou sighed and looked out the dojo's main entrance at the
garden.  "Ranma, I won't lie to you.  It hurts, it hurts a lot.
More than you can know.  But you know... the only thing I can't
get as your sister that I would have as your wife is your
children, and I can help bring up yours and Akane's.

...she only seems to be lying to herself, in this version. 'Only thing I
can't get is children?' I just can't see Ukyou thinking that, it sounds
like an excuse she has made to herself, to hide from her own pain. Still...

    "I'd hug you, niichan, but I don't think my ribs would take
it."

...still, I've been waiting for a story to use the adoption way out. I
have nothing against it, it hurts a lot less than the "let's be friends"
stuff, but it does feel off, that Ukyou would accept it so easily.

************  
Mark Doherty  -  mdoherty@mailbox.uq.edu.au
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