A prologue... In the far-reaching branches of the multiverse, with its limitless alternities and shifting timelines, there is wonder and horror such as cannot be comprehended by the human mind. There are countless worlds, nay, whole dimensions, of fascinating creatures, the strange and weird, the even stranger and weirder. There are dazzling starfields stretching billions of light-years from one end to the other, where myriad races struggle for dominance over the eons and then fade into dust as others rise to replace them in a stupendous dance that shall continue unto the very end of time and beyond. All of which is incredibly boring to those who can observe it. Well, it is. One can only gaze upon the infinite majesty of creation for so long before losing interest. Those few beings who can break the bounds of their homeworlds/planes/timelines/ dimensions/universes have better things to do with their time {such as it is} than watch creatures struggle out of the primordial soup {which is actually more of an ooze than a soup} and build remarkably complex and advanced civilizations. They would much rather be amused at others expense. This is generally accomplished by finding an amusing place filled with amusing beings and observing their antics. Some entities even go so far as to inconspicuously insert themselves into the worlds, hanging about in the background and occasionally tweaking reality just a bit in order to be better entertained, sometimes even interacting with the "entertainment" on a basic level in order to keep the fun going. If you know what you're doing, the multiverse can be made to function like a very large television set, providing one with whatever images they wish. Yes, its petty, childish, and potentially even dangerous, but it keeps said entities from using their powers to say, blow up suns, so nobody much complains. There are a number of alternity groupings that are quite popular among the various beings with the capability to skip among dimensions, places where they can kick back, watch the "little people" scurry about, and basically have a good time to take their minds off more pressing concerns. Whether it's watching the Klingons spatter the Romulans across the dark reaches of space, observing Raistlin Majere's epic magical showdown with the Queen of Darkness, or laughing at those amusing Jedi chaps who think that they have discovered the driving power of the cosmos, there is something for everybody. In a multiverse of infinite possibilities, you can almost always find what you want. And therein hangs a tale... There exists in the part of the multiverse known as Dimension Sol a small group of timelines centered about a certain martial artist living in a certain suburb of Tokyo. Through some amazing twisting of the Laws of Probability, near-impossible events happened to this boy at least once a week, usually involving either massive property damage or EXTREMELY massive property damage. There was, in fact, some suspicion that these events were NOT just an astounding coincidence, but had in fact been artificially induced via an Infinite Improbability Generator, which had been proscribed technology ever since the incident with those damnably annoying hitchhikers. However, because the wildly impossible events were so hilarious to those who drifted in the void watching, nobody probed too deeply, and so this martial artist and his various friends/fiancees/archrivals had an almost constant array of wacky scenarios popping up around them. This is NOT their story. Well, it certainly INVOLVES them, and most of it IS about them, but I'm in charge here, and I say it isn't. On the outskirts of this madness there was a small little almost unnoticed, rather pathetic man that nobody regarded as a major player, as he was completely incapable of doing anything useful like being able to throw hundreds of punches a second or blow up rocks with a single touch. Instead, he spent most of his time in his room reading obscure texts and/or stalking the object of his desire. For those of you who HAVEN'T caught the obvious foreshadowing, this is HIS story. Submitted for your approval.... Ranma 1/2: Be Careful What You Wish For. -by Matthew Giglia, the Magnificent Mr. Bean. Ranma 1/2 and its assorted characters are the property of Rumiko Takahashi, Shogakukan, Kitty, and anybody else who has enough money to hire either high- powered attorneys or ninja hit squads {The difference between which I am still debating.} Chapter 1: Business as Usual. "And so our scene must to the battle fly." -Henry the Fifth. Location: Dimension Sol, the Ranmaverse, Alternity 111.9.7a, Nerima. It was time for sunrise and, as it is wont to do at this time, the sun rose, casting it's warm glow over the eastern hemisphere in general, and Tokyo in particular. Birds began to sing, people arose and began their morning routines, and the city in general woke up. It was morning again in Nerima. This was an extraordinarily bad thing. So long as Nerima Ward's numerous martial artists were safely ensconced in their respective beds, very little could actually happen. Its rather difficult to preform the intricate dance of death that is martial arts while you happen to be lying unconscious in your own drool {At least in Ranma's case.} Ryoga sleptwalked, of course, but other than the occasional Bakusai Tenketsu he didn't really do anything in his meanderings. But it wasn't night anymore. And the fun was about to begin. *SPLASH* "Gyahh!! Hey Akane, what'd you do that fo- huh? wha?" Ranma had, for the umpteenth time, been rudely awakened by a bucket of cold water. Listening to his natural instincts {For what reason I cannot guess, as these are the same instincts that usually result in him receiving massive bodily harm} he automatically assumed that the splasher had been his fiancee. His instincts, as usual, were dead wrong. "Na...biki? What the..." *CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK* "Just wanted to try out my new camera, Ranma. It's one of those fancy rapid-shot ones like reporters use." She grinned. "And it looks like I've already recouped the cost. Ta-ta." Ranma, who was always a bit slow in the morning, watched her leave."I wonder what that was all abou-" It was only then that he noticed his top was hanging most of the way off, exposing hi- exposing HER....charms...to the world. "Oh, man." She sighed, as the boy-turned girl groggily got to her feet. "She could at least cut me in for a piece of the profits once in a while." Giving Genma-Panda a good swift kick just on general principles, she headed for the bath. A good warm soak would make a new man out of her. Unfortunately, as it was still early, she failed to notice the sign on the door... "RANMA NO HENTAI!!!" *SMACKKICKYAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!* As Ranma sailed into his standard Akane-induced LEO, at least back in boy mode by virtue of the hot water that had accidentally spilled on him, he muttered a few of the standard variations of "kawaikune tomboy" as he prayed to whatever gods might be listening that maybe, just this once, he could NOT land in the koi pond... Apparently, someone was listening to either his prayer's or the koi's, and he DIDN'T land in the pond. He did, however, make a sizable dent in one of the rocks with his head. "Oh my," said Kasumi, in her usual vacuous way. Not that anybody minded this; she was such a dear that nobody would ever dare point out to her that she didn't seem to be all there. "You'd best come in and eat Ranma, you have to leave for school soon and you don't want to be late." "THAT is a matter of opinion," Ranma thought sullenly as he sat down at his place. It was a quieter breakfast than usual, with Ranma only getting malleted once and Genma only engaging his technique of Indiscriminant Food Theft twice. All in all, a peaceful meal, after which Akane and Ranma prepared to leave for another day of school. "Oh, by the way Ranma," said Kasumi, catching him on his way out, "I didn't have time to prepare lunch for you two, so Akane volunteered instead." As Ranma was in too much of a hurry to facefault, he decided to dodge the issue instead. "Uh, actually, Kasumi, I'm, uh, planning to eat out today!! Yeah, that's it. I'm going to eat out. Thanks anyways, but I won't be needing _that_," he shuddered, looking at the innocuous bundle Kasumi was offering him. Fortunately, Akane was already well out of earshot. Streaking out of the dojo, Ranma began his patented fence-run to school. "Hey Akane," he yelled at a figure in the distance, "Wait up!" "Not a chance, Ranma!! Ha!" "Why...that ...*huff, huff, whew*...kawaiikune...tomboy... first she tries... would you slow down already!!... to poison me....and then...she won't even wait up...*puff*" "Ranma Saotome, prepare to die!!" {tm} So intent upon his ranting, Ranma hadn't even noticed that fact that he had run straight through Furinkan High's gates and was now approaching a certain bokken wielding annoyance. "Aw man Kuno, I ain't got the time for this!!!" "Silence knave!! My vengeance knows neither time nor pl- *URK*" Removing his foot from Kuno's face, Ranma used this leverage to vault up the building toward his first class's floor. The now semi-catatonic upperclassmen lay twitching on the ground as usual. He filed to notice the shadow standing over him until it spoke. "Really Kuno-chan, if you keep doing this with him you're likely to end up with permanent brain damage." *If he hasn't already*, Nabiki privately mused. "Bah," stated Kuno as he {rather shakily and using his sword as a prop} regained his feet. "You know not of what you speak, Nabiki Tendo. As if one such as he could ever humble the mighty...the mighty...uh...um... it is on the tip of mine tongue..." "Whatever, Kuno-chan." said Nabiki as she began to lead him toward his specially reserved bunk in the school infirmary. "Blue... something to do with blue, i am certain of it. Some sort of color at the very least dost haunt my thoughts..." the now-bedraggled kendoist muttered. "Speaking of colors, I have some _excellent_ new photos in stock today. In view of your condition, I may even offer a discount..." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ It had not, thus far, been a good day for Ranma. Typical, yes; good, not a chance, and given his lifestyle Ranma's standards of a good day were quite low. He'd been late to his first class, a class taught by a certain person holding a certain five-yen piece. He'd escaped via his knowledge of Miss Hinako's pressure points {he absolutely refused to go through that kind of hell every day for a month, but they certainly were useful if he needed a quick fix} but she'd been in her super-hot scantily clad form in front of a very large crowd at the time. Granted, the girl's didn't beat on him *too* much, since he'd taken the pressure off of everybody for the rest of the day, but they couldn't just let him touch another girl like _that_ and not retaliate. The guys were actually worse, begging him incessantly for details no matter how explained he only did it to stop her _absorbing_ personality. *At least the day couldn't get any worse* {foreshadowing alert} he mused as he rounded a corner of the building on his way to lunch. *SPLASH* {I think we all saw this one coming} "Oh MAN," or in this case, woman, Ranma thought wryly as she tightened the belt on her now too big pants while glaring angrily at the rapidly closing window on the upper floor. "Stupid cleaning buckets. At least I've gotten used to _this_." "Pig-tailed girl, I LOVE YOUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuu..." This extremely long and fading in volume "you" was the result not of Kuno's ardor, but rather of the fact that being flung into a high-arc trajectory does that to a persons voice. "To this maybe, but never to _that_." She shuddered, grateful that at least this time Kuno hadn't managed to grope her. Then another part of her shuddered in a different way. Specifically, her stomach. "Oh that's just perfect, it's lunchtime, and I don't have money to buy any or one from home." She thought about that for a second. "Sheesh, even starving is better than eating that poison Akane calls cooking." Ranma had, uncharacteristically, not been paying attention to her surroundings. "WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!??!?" "A-Akane!! Where-how?" "Ranma.... NO BAKA!!!" The following scene, which involved several large and ugly looking mallets, needs no further embellishment. It left Ranma lying in a small crater while her fiancee stalked off in a huff. *And I'm still hungry, to top it off. Stupid kawaiikune tomboy... mallet me will she? I'll...* "Ranma honey!!" Only one person described Ranma with that particular adjective. "Hey, Ucchan," she said with just a little less than her customary ebullience as her oldest friend came walking up to her. Then she noticed several covered platters with some _very_ familiar smells coming off of them, and her mood perked right up. "Say, Ucchan, those wouldn't happen to be..." "You guessed it, sugar. I made special okonomiyakis just for you!!" Ukyo ripped off the tray covers to reveal four steaming hot super-deluxe okonomiyaki's. "Huh?" Ukyo stared. "But I only made three..." The extra okonomiyaki chose that moment to grow arms, which reached up to encircle Ukyo's neck. "Ukyo, my love, let's go out on a date!!" The meal stated in a most un-okonomiyaki like way. "TSU....BAS...AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!" *CLANGRIPCLANGRIPCLANG* An incensed okonimiyaki chef chased a cross-dresser across school grounds, repeatedly plastering him with her mega-spatula. Ranma devoured the three {real} okonomiyaki's in record {even for her} time and hastily left the battle zone. And entered it. "RANMA, PREPARE TO DIE!!!" Upon hearing this, and not seeing any visible threat, Ranma's highly trained subconscious mind kicked in and made some complex split second calculations. Source: Approximately 20 ft to the rear, angle of elevation 45 degrees. It's in the air. Other Noises: Wind whistling past some kind of long, blunt object, besides a human body. Probably armed. Probable Voice Matches: Definitely male. Kuno? Too low a pitch, and he would have included my full name. Ryoga? Carries large blunt umbrella, has yelled this before, likes to attack from the air. It's him. Recommended Course of Action: Immediate removal of self from endangered area via an aerial maneuver. Of course, this was Ranma's SUBconscious mind, which had a much cleaner and steadier grasp upon most situations than did the rest of Ranma's brain. It was, in fact, constantly forced to dumb things down in order to not receive a vast mental "HUH?" from the other cranial facilities. For example, it condensed this incredibly efficient and ordered analysis, the result of years of training, into: "Uh-oh. Ryoga. JUMP!!" Which of course she did. Instant Sarcastic Comment Generators {a division of the subconscious mind} kicked in as Ranma flew clear of the crater Ryoga's umbrella put in the pavement. "Well if it isn't Mr. Take-My-Bread-and-Die." She quipped as she alighted. " How ya' doin?" It's purpose fulfilled, the subconscious returned control of Ranma to her consciousness. Undoubtedly a huge mistake. "Shut up!" yelled the lost boy. He sometimes wondered if he needed new material, but something inside him always seemed to confine Ryoga to "Shut up!", "How dare you to Akane!", and of course the ever popular and soon-to-be-uttered.... "How dare you mock me, Ranma!! Thanks to you, I've seen HELL!!" Not wasting another second, Ryoga snapped open his umbrella, grabbed a handful of bandannas, and decided to get a little disgruntled. "Defend yourself, Ranma!!!!" Ranma easily evaded the whirring umbrella and razor bandannas, {It was nothing she hadn't seen before, after all} but that left her still the problem of Ryoga himself, who came at Ranma with a flurry of kicks and punches. "NOW what the heck am I gonna do?" She inwardly mused. "It takes forever to beat this guy even with the Amaguriken, and I've got class in-" she snuck a look at the clock as she ducked under a spinning roundhouse, then temporarily drove Ryoga back with a full crescent kick. "-ten minutes. The Takabishi and Shoten both would damage the school, and Pig-boy here would counter with the houkoudan." "Ranma!! How dare you not take me seriously! BAKUSAI TENKETSU!!!!" "Uh-oh. Problem." Ryoga had obviously noticed Ranma's inattentiveness, and was naturally enraged. Nobody likes being ignored, after all. And the fact that Ranma had just then landed on a stone statue after dodging gave Ryoga a perfect outlet. *SMASH* It was a bit more spectacular than that, of course. Ryoga's Finger of Death connected with the statue, splitting it into a million pieces of rock shrapnel. Ranma, thanking the kami for the superior speed her girl-type possessed, managed to dodge at the last second, rolling away through the damp grass and springing to her feet. *Wait a sec...damp grass. Ha! He's MINE!!* I feel obliged to point out at this time that the demolished statue was in the likeness of Principal Kuno, and thus nothing of value was lost. Just reassuring all you art lovers. "Catch me if you can, *P-Chan*!!" Employing the Saotome Secret Technique {read: running like the wind} Ranma headed away from Ryoga at top speed, luring him towards a certain lawn. *Gotta time this just right....NOW!!* "You coward! How dare you run away from a man-to-man fight!! I'm going to BWEEE!" "Bwee? I don't believe I've ever heard of that technique." said Ranma smugly, standing in the midst of a set of sprinklers that had begun their daily cycle at a _very_ convenient time. "You'll just have to show me it sometime." She looked down at her erstwhile opponent, now sitting in a pile of discarded clothing in the form a small, black, and very angry piglet, which took it upon itself to bite Ranma's ankles. "Ouch!! Why you little...take this!!" *PUNCH* *SLAM!!!!* The punch was Ranma's. The slam was not. It belonged to her extremely annoyed fiancee and a certain mallet. "STOP PICKING ON P-CHAN, YOU BULLY!!!" Akane malleted him once more in case she'd forgotten anything. "P-Chan! Come here baby." Akane bent down and picked up a now wildly ecstatic pig, crushing it to her chest. "Let's get you away from that nasty Ranma." Ranma watched {from her spectacular vantage point in the bottom of a small crater} the two walk away. *Stupid tomboy. Here Ryoga is the one who attacked ME, and yet I'M the one down here while HE rides home against her chest.* Ranma thought about this thought for a second. "Hmph." She raised herself up and dusted herself off. "Not that I'd want to get anywhere NEAR that kawaiikune tomboys chest." This statement made her feel much better. For about a second. Then a bell rang. "GAH! My class!! I'm late AGAIN!!!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ After stopping by the shed to grab her reserve kettle, Ranma was REALLY late. He ended up spending most of math outside doing the standard water bucket drill. He sighed, wondering why his enemies couldn't all be weak little nobodies like Gosunkugi. In fact, Ranma could see Hikaru right now, outside the window. He had his omnipresent hammer and spike, and was nailing what Ranma could only assume where voodoo dolls representing him to various objects. Ranma felt no pain whatsoever. Other than this surreal bit of entertainment, Ranma's remaining school day was uneventful. Well, okay, ONE incident with the Principal and his Shears from Hell, and the annual Happosai panty raid, but they didn't really count. He was beginning to relax a little on his way home. Akane had even forgiven him, though P-Chan still glared at him from her handbag. In hindsight, Ranma was always amazed that he never, ever saw this coming. It was even more obvious than most of Ryoga's attacks, and yet he never failed to be completely blindsided. The whistling of the air, the ringing of a bicycle bell, and the slight screeching sound of rubber on pavement {fence, roof, or whatever} behind him. By then it was far to late. Ranma was in the grip of the Amazon Death Glomp of Love. "Nihao, Ranma!! You take Shampoo to date now, yes?" The blue haired Amazon had Ranma right where she wanted him, on the ground with her arms twined solidly around his neck. "Hey... Shampoo...knock it off, c'mon lemme alone!" Ranma made some rather valiant efforts to escape the glomp, but too no avail. Fortunately, he noticed, Akane had chosen to do her eye-twitching barely concealed anger thing, rather than her blue glowing about to get medieval with a mallet thing. "Well, I certainly hope you two have fun *together*. Come on P-Chan, we are going home." "Aw, hey, wait Akane, you know it don't mean nothing." Unfortunately, a new player entered just as Ranma was about to free himself. "Saotome, what do you think you are doing with my bride!!" Mousse had chosen an incredibly bad moment to be both in the neighborhood on a food delivery, and wearing his glasses. "Prepare to DIE!!" Manifesting various pointy things from his sleeves, he charged. Mousse only half missed his target. None of his potentially lethal blows landed, but he managed to aim _himself_ fairly accurately, bowling over Ranma, Shampoo, and himself into an ungainly pile on the sidewalk. Right in front of the residence of a certain little old lady with a bucket and a ladle. yet another *SPLASH* AAAAAUGGGGH!!!!!!!! MEEOOWWW!!! QUAAAACK!!!! A girl, a cat, and a duck took off, breaking numerous land-speed records. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Ranma didn't make it home until after sundown, battered, bruised, and still in girl form. It had taken her hours to ditch her unwanted animal friends. Of course, Akane, having last seen her with Shampoo, and then her coming home quite late and obviously exhausted, drew exactly the wrong kind of conclusions, thus earning Ranma exposure to both her fathers wrath, a full Soun Tendo Demon Head, and various accusations of perversity. By the time things had calmed down, all Ranma wanted was a hot bath and a bed. Well, all right, a futon. Ranma slid gracelessly into the hot water, grateful both to be back to his old self and for the relaxation it provided. He sighed and slid in further, up to his neck. He was exhausted, and not just physically. His mind seemed...sluggish, of late. Not as sharp edged and clear cut as it usually was. "C'mon P-chan, time to go beddy-bye," Ranma heard through the door as a familiar silhouette passed. He started to get angry, but thought better of it. *Ah, I can deal with the runt tomorrow.* Draining the tub and toweling himself off, he headed for his room. Genma-Panda *Huh! Almost never see the old man as a man anymore* was already there, snoring his Panda snores. Collapsing {literally collapsing, this was not a figure of speech} into his futon, Ranma pulled up his covers and began to drift into dreamland. As he nodded off, he reflected briefly on his recent mental state. There was no real reason for it, he thought. After all, nothing had happened to him recently that hadn't happened a million times before. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ALL RIGHT, SOMEBODY HAS TO SAY IT . THIS IS GETTING _BORING_. I KNOW, I KNOW. I MEAN, LOOK AT TODAY. HOW REPETITIVE CAN YOU GET? THERE WASN'T A SPARK OF ORIGINALITY ANYWHERE. WE GOT A LOT MORE ROPE OUT OF THIS THING THAN I EVER IMAGINED, THOUGH. I ONLY GAVE THIS SCHEME A YEAR, TOPS. BUT WE'RE LOSING IT. THINGS ARE DRYING UP. THE IMPOSSIBILITIES ARE BECOMING TEDIOUS. MAYBE WE SHOULD MOVE ON, PERHAPS TO ONE OF THE MORE OBSCURE POSSIBILITIES. I UNDERSTAND THAT NUMBER 212.3.9B IS PRETTY CO- THAT ONE A HUNDRED YEARS IN THIS WORLD'S FUTURE? *ABSOLUTELY* NOT. THE CORPORATION THAT THAT DOCTOR SET UP HAS TECHNOLOGY CAPABLE OF POTENTIALLY DETECTING US. BESIDES, WE WANT TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM THOSE FOOLS WITH THE LOCKETS AS POSSIBLE. WHO LET THEM HAVE THOSE, ANYWAYS? MOST ARTIFACTS LIKE THAT ARE KEPT UNDER LOCK AND KEY. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN OUR FAULT. WE PLAYED IT PRETTY FAST AND LOOSE TO GET WHERE WE ARE NOW, REMEMBER? OH YEAH... STILL, WE NEED TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING. I HAVE AN IDEA. IT'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN KICKING AROUND FOR AWHILE. GO ON. WE GIVE EVERYBODY WHAT THEY WANT. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING...OH HO. I SEE. BUT WOULDN'T THAT MEAN USING THE- QUIET, FOOL!!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT BE LISTENING. AND YES, WE WOULD HAVE TO USE *IT.* IT WORKED LAST TIME, DIDN'T IT? YES, BUT THIS TIME WE COULDN'T USE IT ON THE OUTSIDE. WE'D HAVE TO BRING IT HERE AND GROUND IT SOMEWHERE, AND THAT MAKES US VULNERABLE. NEED I MENTION THOSE TWO WHO COULD POSSIBLY DEFEAT US? WHAT ABOUT THEM? THE ONE HAS NO CLUE THAT HE MIGHT BE OUTSIDE OUR CONTROL, AND HE CAN'T EVEN TAP THE TALENT. THE OTHER USES WHAT PALTRY CONTROL THEY MANAGED TO SCROUNGE UP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING WHAT THEY ARE DOING. THESE PEOPLE WILL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT THEM. YOU COULD BE RIGHT IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE. WHAT ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY OF CASCADE FAILURE? ALL OF THEM COULD BE RIPPED APART AND SCATTERED TO ENDS OF TIME. ALL LIFE IS RISK, AT LEAST FOR THEM. WELL....OKAY, LET'S GIVE IT A GO. SAY, YOU HUNGRY? I COULD EAT. End Chapter One. -I tried to make this whole thing as sterotypically Ranma as possible, to set up for the "voices" at the end. The interesting stuff comes later. PLEASE send C&C. Also, credit where credit is due: There is a reference to Ranma 2096 and Converging series in here. My apologies to the fine authors of these two if I have offended. Chapter 2: Guys and Dolls. Is forthcoming.