Ranma 1/2: Mirror Images 3
by George Masologites
guilds@mail.serve.com [Hunter Kid]
http://www.serve.com/guilds/ranma/
© 09/27/1997 All Rights Reserved
Waters of the Spring
This C&C is copywrite and is not to be used without permission.
If you belive that...? ^_^
Tarou snorted slightly as he heard the bell ring once again. He was
definitely annoyed - it hadn't stopped raining. As a matter of fact, it
was raining with a vengeance outside. So now that he was back in his
The so looks weird, I don't think you ^^
need it.
natural form, as soon as he stepped outside, he would turn into a girl
again. Not his idea of a fun walk home.
"Wish I had an umbrella," he mumbled sourly as he stood up from the
bench he had sitting on, looking balefully out the window, hearing thunder
been
You should split this phrase in too... it's too cumbersome.
Ex: he mumbled sourly as he stood up from the bench he had been sitting
on. He looked balefully out the window as thunder crackled in the
distance
Or something like that.
crackle in the distance. He had been traveling alone in the wilderness
Suddenly, a hush came over the crowd as a figure with his right arm in
a sling strutted out into the rain, trying to look majestic, and succeeding
in appearing unmistakably arrogant.
Here's another phrase I think should be split up.
Ex: Suddenly, a hush came over the crowd as a figure with his right am in
a slink strutted out into the rain. Although he was trying to look
majestic, he only succeeded in appearing unmistakably arrogant.
"About what?" A voice came from behind Kunou. Everyone turned to look
at the speaker, who was a tall, muscular young man dressed in a yellow
sweater that opened over his right breast and dark green trousers bound up
at the calves, and had a bandanna around his head. He looked slightly
Another phrase to split up.
Ex: Everyone turned to look at the speaker. He was a tall muscular young
man dressed in a yellow sweater that opened over his right
breast. He was also wearing dark green trousers bound up at the calves
and had a bandanna around his head.
>From this point on, I'll just mention that you should split the phrase and
leave the rest to your imagination. ^_^
being very careful not to let even a drop of water fall on himself. Behind
the young man was another fellow, a bit shorter, slender, a dressed in a
and
red silk Chinese button-down and black trousers, tied at the ankles. His
"My name is Ryoga Hibiki," the young man stated flatly, "not 'coward,'
<Snicker>
"You'll get one," the slender young man interrupted Ryoga in a smooth
voice. While his voice wasn't exactly feminine, it had a sort of almost
gentle overtone that wasn't often found in male speech. Some of the girls
who were walking to the school gates had stopped, staring at him with
lovestruck gazes. "I take it that the good man Fujihara hasn't spoken to
This phrase could be embellished a bit.
Ex: Some of the girls who were walking to the school gates had stopped
and were now staring at him with huge hearts in their eyes.
It's not very original... but hey. ^_~
"Do you not know?" Kunou looked shocked. "That your own sister was
obviously bewitched into kissing this foul beast Hibiki to soothe his dark
lusts? Evil sorcerer," he addressed Ryoga, who was looking more and more
Ugh... I realize it's canon... but can we come up with some new insults
for Kunou. I've heard him use "vile sorcerer" or "evil sorcerer" so many
times that it's boring now.
"My own sister," the young man remarked, rolling his eyes, his voice
dripping with sarcasm. "Ryoga," he grinned at Ryoga, "I never knew that
you practiced black magic."
"Wha...?" Ryoga stammered. "Black magic? What are you talking about?"
"Oh," the young man struck a pose dramatically, imitating Kunou, "you,
foul beast, have enslaved my sister within your evil snares of deceit, dark
one." He grinned at Kunou. "So, Kunou is here to challenge you to a
rematch, which I am sure no one - especially Fujihara-sensei - will
disagree with."
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Ryouga: Ukyou (he hisses under his breath), you're not helping...
Note: You may want to tone down the "Let's rub in the fact that the
vice-principle is afraid of us" bit. Unless you're trying to ensure
that he hates them and starts going to interesting extremes to put
them in their place.
Kunou looked confused for a second, then regained his arrogant bearing.
"That is correct, good man," he said, acknowledging the handsome young man
with a nod. "I would take my revenge and free the fair maiden Ukyou this
moment, but Hibiki has injured my arm with his dishonorable surprise
attack. Hibiki, I challenge you to a duel two weeks from this very day.
You have no choice but to accept."
Are you trying to turn this into a catch phrase? You have three different
characters use this EXACT same expression. I suggest that you keep it
with Konatsu or Tsubasa since Kunou's style is too well known for people
to easily accept him saying such a thing.
"Let's see here," she muttered in a mirthful tone as she walked easily
along on top of the fence above Akane, "it's his first day at school, and
so far he's managed to go berserk, snap a guy's arm, injure two innocent
bystanders, make out with Ukyou in public, get called to Fujihara-sensei's
office, and get challenged to a duel by the same guy he beat up." Ranma
smirked. "That's a pretty exciting first day, don't you think, Akane?"
Question here... why does Ranma know the vice-principle's name. I would
think that he would barely remember it unless he's already met him (which
I don't think has happened).
Akane seemed to be broken out of her thoughts, and looked up at her.
This phrase is confusing.
Try: Akane looked up at her, having been jarred/broken out of her thoughts.
Ranma shrugged, wiping a flaming red lock of hair out of her face, only
to have it fall back down again, the rain soaking her to the bone. "Hey,
This phrase should be split as it covers to very different topics.
like I said before, you walked in on us. Shouldn't the fact that your
bathroom was wrecked to pieces clued you into the fact that the bathroom
have---------------------------^
was in use?"
The first person, who was using a dull red umbrella to keep the rain
off of himself, was running and laughing at the same time, evading quick
quarterstaff thrusts from the second person, who was attacking while
shouting, "You must train for your match, evil sorcerer! Train until you
drop!"
<snicker><snicker> One of my favorite scenes of this part.
Ranma and Akane both wore similar expressions of surprise as the two
people, obviously Ukyou in her cursed form and Ryoga, ran out of sight,
with Ryoga still dodging and Ukyou attacking and shouting various
ridiculous sounding phrases, such as, "How dare you enslave my innocent
sister, dark fiend!", and, "The vengeance of heaven is upon you this day,
sorcerous dog!"
This phrase is huge. Please split it up. The first split should be after
Ryouga ran out of site.
involved lots of use of the words 'pervert' and 'tomboy.' Ukyou and Ryoga,
apparently intent on training Ryoga for the match he had set up with Kunou
had taken it into their heads that dinner was an appropriate time and place
to spar, so they seemed to dueling with chopsticks, yelling and shouting
battle cries with intense concentration, neither gaining the advantage.
Split this phrase.
duel, fiend!" He declared in a very Kunou-esque style, flourishing his
chopsticks and attacking Ukyou with a flurry of chopstick jabs, which she
grinned and fended off easily.
Try: which she fended off while grinning.
Tarou hadn't noticed it, but he hadn't stopped chewing, and Soun turned
his seething glare on the innocently eating boy. "I said be quiet!" Soun
bellowed at him, looking in his rage somewhat like a demon.
Tarou hadn't noticed so he didn't stop chewing. Soun turned his
seething glare on the innocently eating boy.
He decided that he must have had a piece of food on his vest, so,
looking down and finding one, he casually flicked it off, failing to notice
that he had flicked it into a fuming Akane's face, failing to notice that
she had gripped the side of the table in a white-knuckled grasp, then
failing to notice that everyone else was hastily backing away from Akane
and himself.
You could easily split this phrase up and it'll be much easier to read.
All in all, Ryoga thought it was eerily like the calm before the storm.
Heh... good one. When things go well, I'd start to worry too. ^_^
his head that was making studying impossible. It was his last period
class, Foreign Language, which in this case was Chinese, and Ryoga hadn't
heard a single word the teacher had said the whole class, instead staring
at nothing, his eyes unfocused.
Split this phrase after the word Chinese.
snickers about how Ryoga had been staring straight at Ukyou with what
appeared to be a quite lovestruck gaze. It isn't to say that he would have
the quite looks ^^^^^
weird here.
Ukyou smacked him lightly on the arm. "Why were you staring at me the
whole class period?"
You don't ^^^^^^
need period
Ukyou looked intrigued, and so did Ryoga. Hearing someone's life
Take out the and-------------^^^
noisily and making loud, rude remarks and jokes at each other. The older
man, a middle aged fellow, was drinking from a bottle of beer and grinning,
and the younger two were devouring some chicken legs with a great deal of
pomp and loud chewing - quite disgusting, actually - and the girl was no
better, tossing cut up chunks of beef into the air and catching them in her
mouth.
You could split this phrase after the word grinning.
"So," the girl snarled, gripping the axe with a firm, sure grasp. "At
last I've found you, evil ones."
Has someone been consulting with Kunou's speech writer?
"Why do you do this to me?" The girl with the axe growled.
"Ukyou-san, why do you block my path? I am here to free you from these
fools that have taken you from me!"
I detecting a serious Kunou influence here. The world isn't big enough
for two of them.
"Pathetic," the ponytailed boy stated with a snort. "Is that it?"
Tsubasa laughed. And laughed some more. She stood up, her eyes
blazing with fury. "Come now," she taunted, smirking. "Can't you fight
Who's speaking?------------------^^^
Is Ranma or Ryouga in their cursed form. I can't see Ukyou saying this
to Tsubasa when she just wants he/she/it to go away.
better than that?" In the blink of an eye, she was gliding swiftly over to
Ryoga, lashing out with her axe, a powerful strike which Ryoga only
partially parried with his own weapon, the steel of the blade slicing into
his right shoulder. It was painful, but not debilitating or enough to put
Ryoga out of the fight.
Ouch! I never want to be on the receiving end of a battle axe no matter
how tough I am.
"Mother said it was okay, though. She had enough money to rebuild the
resturaunt within a month, but not enough to take care of two boys while
doing so. So Konatsu swore revenge on the group of four - or, more
specifically, the 'Ryoga' boy, the one who he claimed was responsible - and
left the following day, vowing not to return until Ryoga was dead and
brought to justice." Ryoushi sighed regretfully. "While I was angry at
the destruction, I didn't want to kill anyone over it. I wanted to just
let it go, and start over. But Konatsu left the next day," his voice
became bitter, "and he hasn't returned since!"
Sounds like Ryouga is the focus of this story. Are you marginalizing Ranma
for a reason?
Ryoushi sighed. "Don't worry about that part of it. Mother got it
What is this? A semi-reasonable Ranma 1/2 character. I'm shocked. ^_^;
fixed up fine, and she's got enough business to hire help and allow me to
go to school. But -where is my brother, dammit?-" He bellowed. "Even in
his screwed up state, I never wanted to see him gone like this! Tell me
where he is, Hibiki!"
"I have no idea," Ryoga said in an apologetic tone. "I remember what
the waitress from the resturaunt looked like - and that was apparently your
brother - but I haven't seen him since then."
"You lie," Ryoushi seethed, cracking his knuckles.
Ok... maybe not so reasonable after all.
Ryoga nodded. "I know what it's like. I never really had a family
when I was younger myself."
"Y-you lost your parents, then?"
"Lost." Ryoga gave a cynical, somewhat bitter laugh. "Yeah, I guess
you could put it like that."
Heh heh... if you only knew.
After all, for as long as they were going to stay in Nerima, it made
sense to make some friends, and Ryoushi seemed like a decent, honest sort.
Besides that, Ryoga and Ukyou both felt that owed him something for
screwing up his life from those years before.
Is it possible that they are going to try and make amends... like paying
for the damage? Slave labor?
Ranma and Ryouga are in the kitchen cleaning dishes while Ukyou is cooking
up several orders.
Ryouga: Damn it! I knew listening to Ranma's father all the time was a bad
idea.
Ukyou: You said it sugar.
Ranma: Where is pop anyway?
Ukyou: He said something about an extended training trip with his wife
right about when you mentioned helping out here.
Ryouga: That coward.
Ranma: Don't you dare speak of my pop that way.
Ranma launches a couple of punches which Ryouga deflects, causing Ranma
to smash some dishes.
Ryoushi runs in screaming: What are you guys doing? Do you want to work
here forever? This is the 12th time this has happened.
Ranma and Ryouga look really embarrassed as they clean up the mess and get
back to what they are supposed to be doing.
He looked behind him at the girl with the axe, and something clicked in
his head. Tsubasa. The girl from Kyoto. She was back - but what did she
want in the first place? It had sounded like she wanted Ukyou, but that
couldn't be right...
Um... why on earth would Konatsu and Tsubasa be working together. Even if
it was Ryouga's fault... Tsubasa helped with the destruction of the
restaurant.
"Whatever it was, it wasn't bad enough," Ukyou grumbled. Luckily for
her health, Tsubasa didn't hear her.
<snicker>
"Wrong. And when I win, you're going to be a girl." Several murmurs
came out from the crowd at this. "A girl?" "I don't think he was speaking
in a literal sense..." "What if he was?" "Uh...well, he does have that
sword...you don't think he'd..." "That's disgusting." "Yeah, I know, but
still..."
Ew...
End part 3
As I pointed out a few times, you have some run-on sentences that are
confusing.
Aside for that and a couple of inconsistencies, I like it.
him, I think. I know I'm being a little harsh on Akane's mean streak, but
there's a good reason for that, which will be revealed later.
Really? Ok. I'll keep my mouth shut for now about that.
Oh yes, one more thing: if you flame me, I shall ram your flame down your
throat and make you eat it for dinner.
Hmmm... offensive. I think you really need to chill out a bit.
To the rest of you on the FFML, please feel free to point out stuff I
missed or mistakes I've made in this C&C. I'm most definitely not a
professional. I'm just learning and want to improve. Besides, It'll help
me with my own writing. ^_~
See ya
___________
/ Here lies:\ "Oh my god! They killed Kenny!"
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| |
| I think | Andrew Petalik
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